The one herpes disclosure I really care about...success

[M411235]

Short background story: I am 28 now and when I was 20 I found out I had H, I have no idea who gave it to me or when I got it I just had an awful outbreak which sent me to the doctors where I was diagnosed with by and exam and blood test. Since then I have had very few outbreaks, I take the meds when in a relationship and to my knowledge have never passed it to a partner. When first diagnosed I was depressed and very emotional about it but as I get older I am becoming more "ok" with it. However there are still days when I am ashamed.

 

Disclosing: Over the years I have told many partners about it and the result was always the same: they just did not care, acted as if it was no big deal at all. Some I did use condoms with and some I did not. I have not had a outbreak in years. so it really does not effect my life much. Like I said before to my knowledge I did not pass it on to anyone else. These past relationships have been fun but nothing overly serious and definitely no life long love and if discovering that I had herpes would have sent any of these guys guys running for the hills I would not have been too upset. Until now......

 

I have a new man in my life. A former friend and coworker recently moved out of town for a few months and since the day he left we have been texting and talking and getting pretty romantic. We have both shared our mutual love for each other and talk about how we wish we could have known we would hit it off when he was still in town. Since I rarely ever outbreaks and haven't had one for years the only time I ever think about herpes is when I am about to start a new relationship which will lead to sexual activity. Since this guy is out of town there hasn't been anything physical although sex has been discussed. A few days ago it dawned on my "oh crap!" He is going to eventually come home and I will have to tell him. It's been a month and a half since he left and I all completely 100% head over heels in love with this guy. And he feels the same for me. Earlier today I was sick to my stomach with the thought of having this conversation with him over the phone tonight. I love him and actually care if he leaves me, unlike all the other times I am afraid to lose him.

 

I told him just a few hours ago. I said with a shaking voice and sniffling back tears "There is something I really need to tell you, I want to be honest and truthful with you and I hope this doesn't change your opinion of me but 8 years ago I found out I have herpes, I rarely ever get outbreaks and take a daily dose of medicine which helps symptoms stay at bay and helps to prevent spreading it to others. I thought you should know this before you come home and things get more serious or physical" and he said "I love you and thanks for telling me and let's talk more about it when we can be together to talk face to face and maybe go to the doctors and figure out what we need to do to make this thing work." We talked about it a little more like the stats on woman to man transferring and some other thing but then he kind of just changed the subject we talked about the usual stuff for a while he told me he loved me and that he would call me in the morning. He definitely acted like it did not scare him off.

 

I feel like it went well but part of me is a bit scared that I won't get that call in the morning. I am trying to stay positive and think that if he was not ok with it he would have said something and that he just didn't want to talk about it because we are so far away from each other and didn't want to have an important convo like this via phone. I am happy I told him but wished it could have been face to face so I could gauge his facial expressions and mood, but I did not want to carry on this long distance relationship and have things get more serious and make plans with him and months down the road hit him with the "I have herpes" bomb and have him say " why didn't you tell me earlier????"

 

Anyways I am nervous about the next few days and what they bring for my relationship but I do know that if he truly loves me we will be able to get over this minor hurdle and have a beautiful relationship together provided we both remain completely honest with each other.

 

Sorry this was so long but I need to get this off my chest and talk to people who have had similar experiences, I believe that there is no greater than experience and I would like to hear yours...

[confusedheart]

Well thank you for sharing, keep your chin up and please let us know what happens in the mornkng. I've only known about my diagnoses for 1 month and haven't had to disclose to anyone yet. But nothing scares me more...like you, I don't think about it much until I think of trying to date..... Sounds like you have a good guy, so give him the benefit of the doubt and don't "end" this before its time....can't wait to hear what happens.

[lelani]

I soooo know exactly how you are feeling - I have disclosed to men who were fun and although I cared alot I knew they wouldn't be life partners. That is nothing compared to telling someone who you don't want to loose and feel like they are perfect for you - I just had to do the same. It was really hard but I just remembered that it is all about my integrity and character...and that I just had to let go of the outcome and believe that whatever it was it would be right for me.

Well...he held me and was just amazing..the next day we talked more about it and when I finished he kissed me...our first amazing kiss and it was right after my disclosure. That was a month ago and he is beautiful and we both are feeling like we are each other's 'one'. We haven't had sex yet (because of distance too) but we have talked about the most intimate and private things with each other and know that we are becoming close friends. H has helped me take it slowly and it really is lovely...I know, because of H, that this man thinks I am really amazing. We are spending a week together in a few days so now I am nervous about getting naked again (it's been a while lol)...and that's nothing to to with H!

Trust your integrity...trust the universe to bring you what you need and what is good for you. You are right, if he truly loves you he will work it through with you. If not then you will have stopped further heartache down the track. As for not telling him earlier...don't feel guilty about that..you can tell anyone whenever you like. You haven't had sex with him but it's moving that way so now is the right time :-)

Sending you lots of good disclosing thoughts...let us know how you get on??? Big hug. xx

 

 

[M411235]

Thanks ladies!!

 

Disclosing last night was absolutely terrifying but I have to say I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders I now can enjoy my relationship knowing I have no secrets or skeletons in my closet anymore. And I feel like he knows now that I have complete trust in him because I entrusted him with such a personal piece of information about myself.

 

We talked and texted multiple times today and the vibe was good and strong :) as usual. I am hopeful for the future with him but still a little nervous that he may change his mind and find someone else seeing as we are so far away from each other. But I am just going to take it day by day and pray for the best. I will keep you all informed of how the relationship progresses and what happens when we are finally in the same zip code :)

 

Lelani thanks for sharing your experience with me!! Anyone else have any experiences with long distance relationships and disclosures??

[Atlantic]

Great news! I am on the brink of disclosure with someone who I have a long distance connection with. My situation is a little different, but similarly awkward as we cannot have this discussion in person. I really need to get it out there now, as it is weighing on me, and we've talked a lot about personal issues by this point, so it's time. So pleased to hear of this outcome. I am smiling as I type my response.

[lelani]

Yaaaaaaaaay!!!! I'm so happy for you M4, not only that his response was good but that you feel lighter in doing it. That's what disclosing with the right intention does...yeah it's terrifying but the weight coming off your shoulders is worth the leap! You can't control the outcome...its the letting go of that which is the hardest - we all like to control what we want to happen instead of trusting the universe to let it unfold in the right way for us.

Yes take it day by day...I am doing the same and while it is all so lovely for me with an amazing vibe - it could all still change and it have nothing to do with H. Any relationship is day by day...so enjoy it that way, if it is meant to be then it will happen.

 

And Atlantic...am so glad you are smiling. Be brave and show him what integrity you have and that you care enough to be honest. I gave my man the choice to walk away..and he didn't and thought I was amazing - if he had said no, or walked away then I knew he wasn't the one for me (even though it would have hurt...). Sending you lots of good disclosing vibes :-) . x

[M411235]

So here's and update....

10 months later and this is still a long distance relationship, we have not seen each other due to me deciding to up and move back to Massachusetts and get a new job and start my life over up here. The relationship is still going strong but the plans to see each other have been put off. The talks we have are getting more frequent and more romantic. As I said before when I disclosed to him he was kind of like "ok, it's cool we'll talk about it later". Recently ( 9 months after telling him) he has started asking more questions and I am answering him to the best of my ability telling him info from this forum and info I have gotten from my doctor. (I have had gentital herpes for 10 years and recently went to the doctor to find out which type so I could know the shedding precent of time and found out I have hsv-2 which apparently sheds more but as I read on this forum it's almost impossible for me to give it to him through oral which makes me happy because we are both really into oral and the thought of using a dental dam during it makes me uneasy) One day after my doctors visit I called him and was telling him some info and he kind of stopped talking and I got nervous and said " well baby your not saying anything and I understand if you don't want to be with me, what are you thinking?" And he said "I'm thinking about how much I love you and how I can't wait to get you in this bed" :) after this I realized he is just asking questions to better understand this condition not because he's questioning our relationship or his love for me.

 

So!!!!I have officially bought a flight out to see him on the 27th!! I am so excited and can not wait!! But am also scared to death. 99% percent of me knows everything will be fine but 1% of me is scared once I get in bed with him he won't want me. It's probably all in my mind, I am naturally an insecure person and physical contact is comforting to me so being in a long distance relationship where there is not physical contact yet has been extremely difficult. Like I sated before we talk more now than we ever did before and the conversations are getting more serious like talking about him moving to MA and us having a future together. I feel like my trip out there at the end of the month will be the determining factor of which way this relationship goes. It's been a long few months and I just hope that once I am there he will still accept me and my condition and love me and want me anyways. Anyways, I will keep you guys posted on how everything goes!!

 

P.S. Thank god for this forum and all the stories and experiences written here. Over ten years with herpes and I am finally startng to understand it and love myself again.

[GreenEyes727]

That's great that you will finally see him again! I think he really loves you. He's had plenty of time to back out so don't worry about that.

 

I've had herpes for a very long time too. I just disclosed to a guy. He's still flirting with me but he made a rude comment yesterday about my "hooters". He didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. Truthfully, he's not my type anyway but I wanted to give him a chance. Oh well. Lucky you to be so loved!

[M411235]

Thanks greeneyes!!

 

I think he really loves me too! And your right he had plenty of time to back out of this relationship since it is long distance it would be so easy to stop answering the phone when I told him but for 9 months he still answers :)

 

Disclosures are hard but they empower us to respect our bodies (which I know I didn't before) and to practice honesty and integrity and protect our partners. It's been my experience when disclosing that I am the only who thinks its a big deal. Most educated people know the facts and know it's really not as serious as society makes it out to be. Unfortunately there will always be those out there that only know the stigma that comes along with it. Keep your head up and keep looking for love soon you'll find a man who will love you so much and something as small as H will not matter, he will respect you even more for your honesty.

 

I'll let you know what happens :)