My story - and looking for opionion.

[ThePhoenix]

I am a guy in 30s and had been working on my career before I start a family and for last few years I have been more than stable. I come from a very conservative background and met a girl who does not share the same background and has been married once.

 

Being conservative, I usually even avoided sex till I think about moving forward or had partners where very sure we are not moving forward but at the same time both are clean.

 

When, I started seeing this girl, was planning to proceed with her but while having sex for the first time right before I enter her, she mentioned that she had been infected(from her prev. marriage). We stopped at that point, but for me, it was too late and I got infected HSV-2.

 

After couple of discussion, found she is not really interested in family or having kids or a social life, but is ok if I continue my social life. Since we had some rare common interest, she was moving things forward. But our goals and values to some extent does not match in terms of family expectations (which she is open to adapting) and religion which is almost the same and other I fear if she can't.

 

Now I am really in a dilemma, a part of me is VERY angry and a part stills likes her and wants to give it a try. If she would have mentioned this earlier, my respect for her would have increased, which I now see a little diminished.

 

Also my social circles, we believe and follow monogamous and single marriage for life and even divorce are not welcomed esp. while raising kids. Having herpes is whole another world and would be difficult even to find a girl to date in those circles if this one does not work out. Plus don't know how to break it with other family members.

 

As for her she maintains that since she does not have OBs, and she felt it must have gone. Worse, she also says she is not aware of it passing through kissing or oral sex.

 

We are still close and talk, and I have told her about doctor, at that time she avoided the topic. I also mentioned I will be getting legal advice for various reasons.

 

I am planning to consult a lawyer, and contemplating if I have a legal notice for her (that I don't know how much courts would be in my favor, me being a guy and more successful while she respectable but not a high position) and then go from there Or start discussing prenuptial agreement etc. Because age and few other factors, it had been essential to get married as soon as possible. And well unlike this, we usually rely on match making or others arranging the meet with possible partners. Now those avenues also might have narrowed for me.

 

For various reason, I usually look around for ideas or opinion from people in those fields. I am doing the same here but this message, esp knowing you to some extent understand as well as are able to see from outside.

I am looking for any inputs. Also knowing this is something irreversible, how for adapt myself.

 

 

 

[fitgirl]

@ThePhoenix welcome! First off, can you clarify that you know for sure you have ghsv2? If you didn't have sex were you "rubbing " genitals? Have you had OB'S since your encounter? It sounds like she is both naive and willfully ignorant to the facts about herpes. She was careless and selfish not to tell you. Also, herpes never goes away!!!! Just because she has no symptoms (so she says) doesn't Mean she isn't contagious while shedding. I have to day, a woman like that isn't one you would have wanted to enter into a serious relationship with. She hasn't take responsibility for her status, there is Noth you can do about that so just let it go and focus on YOU.

As for moving forward it you do have herpes.... it seems like a long and lonely path but it isn't. Religion, race or creed doesn't matter. Open minded educated people know that herpes is minor. An inconvenience at best. Who you tell is up to you but know this: 80% of the population has herpes so all those people in your circle are not "herpes free" I guarantee it! There are plenty of people in the world who are authentic and accepting and if herpes is the worst thing you have going g for you then you are doing OK :) I suggest you read ad much as you can on this site and learn the facts. So many of us have lived with herpes for years and we are a team entry that herpes helps weed out the people who weren't meant for us and allow us to narrow in on self love and acceptance. Once you find out what you value and you accept yourself for all of your flaws and challenges you will attract women who see you for the man you are. Herpes isn't a deal breaker for people who look past the superficial.

[2Legit2Quit]

She told you before you entered her. You cannot do anything legally to hold her accountable for. You didn't say whether you went through w sex or not, but from the sounds of it, sounds like you did, for which you chose to take the risk. You day you stopped before you entered her, well there must have been some contact for you to get herpes.

 

Based on all you are saying w the cultur, family and social circle, along w grammar, I'm going to go out in a limb here and guess you are Indian, which then I can see your dilemma in this. W that said if my assumptions are correct, then you're not even supposed to have sex outside of marriage.

 

Don't settle w her, because you have very few options now. There are plenty who will date others who are infected. I have 6 gfs who are all married and w healthy children, who entered the relationship H positive w an H negative partner.

[ThePhoenix]

@ThePhoenix welcome! First off, can you clarify that you know for sure you have ghsv2? If you didn't have sex were you "rubbing " genitals? Have you had OB'S since your encounter?

@fitgirl, Thank you for the message. Btw still getting used to it, I verified the report it is gHSV1. I did have an OB that was my first. I have little different system of medicine for my primary health that categorizes problems, based on which I changed my lifestyle and diet (almost aligns with peoples suggestions of diet here) and saw the symptoms go away. Even doctor was not sure as symptoms were gone pretty easily and fast.

Looks like she had OBs for a longer period and was on medication and visiting a doctor too.

 

She told you before you entered her. You cannot do anything legally to hold her accountable for. You didn't say whether you went through w sex or not, but from the sounds of it, sounds like you did, for which you chose to take the risk.

@2Legit2Quit - There was some foreplay, and mutual touching and little oral and after that I was told. We stopped at point and did not proceed further.

In the past I have been very cautious of my physical relationship and had very limited partners till now and also turn down opportunities as felt it would not be something very casual.

 

@fitgirl, well that is what is frustrating me there was one apology, and things are done attitude instead look at it or how can we address it.

 

Btw. an FYI, since it is a long weekend, I could not have any legal advice. But 1 law firm that answered my initial query suggested for an appointment and stating that in this state it is a legal obligation to let the partner know, and it is a grey area between criminal/felony (which I feel would be too extreme) or civil/tort law based on the situation on various parameters and one can appeal within 2 years of finding out.

 

But like you guys suggested it is more about me and how I progress with my life.

 

Thanks again for inputs and time.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well if you have ghsv1, then you got that from oral sex likely. Did she say she has HSV 1 or 2 on her genitals?

[2Legit2Quit]

Well if you have ghsv1, then you got that from oral sex likely. Did she say she has HSV 1 or 2 on her genitals? Nobody discloses they have oral herpes, ad it is so common, so I'm going to make the assumption you got it from oral sex she gave you.

[ThePhoenix]

Not sure if she has HSV1 or 2, I know it is gHSV.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well it would behoove of you to ask.

[ThePhoenix]

Hi @2Legit2Quit, I had been busy so did not see this earlier. I did not understand your question.

[Bambina3]

I have googled and found in reference to the legal aspect of all this...it's a subject that gives me various answers from no legal obligation to a potential.

 

Regardless....sending hugs, I hope it gets better for us all

[WCSDancer2010]

@ThePhoenix

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

So - how were YOU tested? Blood or Swab? If you were diagnosed by visual, crystals, or whatever, you can't take that to the bank. There are a lot of things that LOOK like herpes ....

 

I'm assuming you had a swab given you were typed (HSV1) ... but did you also get a blood test? We need these details to help you to figure out what happened, but I agree, I'd say odds are that you got it (assuming it is Herpes) from oral sex.... and that won't hold up in court....

 

As for court... if you are considering taking her to court, you just ended any chance of a marriage with her unless she has no self respect. Any man did that to me would have his ass handed to him... especially as she DID tell you she had it. AND, IMO, if YOU didn't specifically have the STD conversation with her before getting your clothes off, you are just as "guilty" in your own way .... yes, when we know we have H we have *more* obligation to start the conversation, but it's a 2 way street and YOU are responsible for YOUR sexual health. On top of that, I'd bet that you have not been tested for Herpes until now because Herpes is not included on the standard STD testing.... and odds are any woman you have been with was not tested for it either. Most people don't know that you must ASK for the test so there are many people who are carriers (80%) who don't know they have it and who *believe* they have been tested for it.

 

Honestly, with or without Herpes, she doesn't sound like a match. You want kids. She, at best, is ambivalent (likely actually saying she might "adapt" because SHE likely feels that she will take anyone who will take her and her HSV1 status.).... and that is NOT the person you want as the mother to your children. I would request that you eventually send her to us, because if I am right (and I'd just about put money on that), she could use some support in realizing that she CAN find love with Herpes.

 

As for you... you can also find love.... just look at this recent (LONG) thread from a guy who came on here a few years ago, convinced his love life was over.... :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night

 

 

 

[ThePhoenix]

Hi @Bambina, thanks, yes I spoke to the lawyer in order to understand various aspect and impact even outside of relationship, it looks like it can be done in special courts but this also brings in the criminal law (also main thing is laws are very state specific too), which is almost a category of felony. Which I would never want to do. There is mandatory/tort law but which is more economical approach but would not help in most of the cases, esp mine. Third option would be the best for both parties if both agree, that would be out of court settlement or mutual agreement as long as both parties are reasonable, and as I am seeking person to have responsibility of the her part of actions and acknowledge condition understand the losses e.g. medications or insurance or ESP. loss of any opportunity, if she agrees and is able to settle any obligations that is better. By grace of god, financially, I am in better position (also with respect to her as far as I know), and have a progressing business, but I have had days where I have relied on others for my meals too and its also test of relationships in those situations, and I don't want to be left stranded alone.

 

Thanks for checking out for me and for the hugs, I can use both. I think is testing my faith in life as I believe "whatever happens,...happens for good"...and I have a great deal of patience.

 

 

@WCSDancer2010

Thanks for guiding me with details. Yes it was a swab test. Yes I got it from oral sex and I can pretty much prove it.

Well as for previous conversation, though we have not specifically spoken about STD there have always been type of questions like "anything in her past that can impact" or "need to know" types, and may be not a correct judgement on my part that I did not think I need to run down a checklist like legal, financial, psychological, physical etc...

 

As for me is she is a willing and a right match on not, my thing is at least take responsibility and acknowledge the situation and incident.

 

As of I being responsible for my health, that is correct and I am and that's where I had been cautious most of the time. But I see it almost like, if you own an moderately expensive car bought from majority of your savings, you are responsible for it and for all its maintenance, but when you are driving correctly or parked and someone comes and bangs into it in your presence to the extent that its a permanent or major damage, what would be your reaction. Would you think of it would be in lines with ...yeah go ahead ...no problem....we don't need to call cops and register or even call the insurance and we will forget it.....

Now given that it is a friend or spouse driving the other car, the best you would do is even if you did not go for case or insurance....it would be thing to mutually work it out, and it would be understandable that they may or may not be able to cover the losses given on their situation. But to do so first thing is both needs to acknowledge it. Personally if my spouse/gf said I was incorrectly parked and that I am solely responsible for it (even when I was correct) and she has nothing to do with it (esp knowing her car had a problem) and I should solely take care of the wreck and it would be my sole problem to be without a car even if I am missing work...then I don't think she would be in the condition "to hand me my ..." .But again that is my personal POV and car might be too trivial a thing for analogy. But going for that argument would not lead to any solution.

 

Thanks again to @Bambina and @WCSDancer2010 for the inputs.

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm going to be straight. If she has HSV1 orally, she's like 80% of the population. Likely you have been exposed to this many times before through kissing and/or oral sex. I can tell you 99% of the population with oral herpes doesn't discuss it before sex because:

 

1) 80% don't know they have it

2) Those that do, usually don't know they can pass it to the genitals

3) Many believe that you are only contagious during an OB so they *think* they are safe

 

So unless you ask for STD tests before you kiss, odds are you are being exposed to it during most of your relationships.

 

To make the point:

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

If you take her to court YOUR sexual past (likely including kissing) will be brought up too. So be careful about what you wish for there. Usually the only time people win on that is if they can prove:

 

1) They had a test recently enough to know they were not already infected ... a swab test won't tell you that

 

2) They can prove WILLFUL and MALICIOUS INTENT to withhold the info and/or to infect the partner....

 

Court proceedings in these cases can get REALLY ugly ... :(

 

Yes, perhaps she should have told you before you had oral sex, but I can tell you, most people don't even think about it ... because most have no idea how frequently HSV1 is passed on through oral sex thanks to the lack of education about it :(