I need help and for somebody to listen.

[Wallyworld]

I was diagnosed with hsv-1 of the genitals at the end of June. Ever since, my emotions have gone from denial, acceptance, anger, depression, wonder, and terrible paranoia. I have anxiety and this has not been a nice mixture of emotions. I don't know want what's what anymore. What's that razor bump? Is that a zit? I have no idea what I'm looking for. Nothing seems quite like my primary.

Let me back up. I had my primary in June. I finished my prescription of aciclovair and started taking super quantum lysine daily. Everything seemed fine so I didn't bother to refill my prescription. I thought the lysine would be okay by itself and I ended up having my second OB two months after my primary.

I had felt so calm about the whole thing beforehand, the doctor from planned parenthood said that with the type I have I shouldn't expect another OB. Maybe one or two more. I didn't think it would be so soon.

Ever since my second OB I've felt lost and completely paranoid of every bump. How do I know? I've been on suppressive medication ever since my second but I almost feel like it's not helping.

I'm sorry that this post is so scattered and I'm sure you're all tired of seeing posts like mine.

How do I find peace? How do I know if a bump is from herpes or not?

My boyfriend has been beyond supportive and doesn't even seem fazed. I'm assuming denial.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well I'm so sorry honey that you are so distraught over this right now, buy I can assure you, that all your emotions you are cycling through, are completely normal. I think I looked down there w a mirror and flash light every morning I woke, for like7 mo ths maybe? After journaling my symptoms for several months ths, I felt I now understood my body post H and I think you coukd really benefit from that too. I journaled daily sensations, physical symptoms if any, location and frequency, along w triggers. This was the only thing that helped me to stop being neurotic and I eventually trust myself to know what was what's and I put the mirror and flash light down and retired it to my drawer. I think this will help you a lot as well and give you some sense of control. Just be patient w yourself, everyone is different w how they respond to H. This is still so new, give yourself some time and just know, you'll be ok luv... Hang in there. Hugs!

[Wallyworld]

Thanks for responding, I should try that. I think this whole thing would be easier if I wasn't so scared to transmit it to my boyfriend. He says that he doesn't care but I know one day he will

[2Legit2Quit]

Wellbyou have HSV 1. Which sheds and reoccurs more than half less than HSV 2. It is harder to transfer ghsv1 to genitals than it is from oral to genital. I can understand how you feel, because one day I'll be in the same boat as you, worrying about the same thing. I know logically, that we should not project our feelings in to the other person in regards to how they feel about getting H and that I'd what you are doing; Although from a very sincere place. All's you can do is do your best to protect him and have faith in him that he can handle this.

[WCSDancer2010]

He says that he doesn't care but I know one day he will

 

REALLY? You KNOW how he would feel? Sure, you are *scared* he will care... but you can't know how he might react. What you need to understand is he learned the risks and he CHOSE you anyway because he feels you are WORTHY of a small risk.

 

So - 2 things:

 

1) He's a grown-assed man... let him make grown-assed decisions and don't try to out-guess them or "mother" him. Just do what you know to do to try to keep him from getting it. Just as you drive a car with passengers ... you *might* hurt or kill them in an accident some day (even if you take every precaution in the book!) , but you don't tell them not to ride with you *just in case* that happens!

 

2) Work on believing you are WORTHY of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!! Because this man loves you no matter what and Herpes is proving that to you!!! :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Wallyworld]

Thanks! This has been really helpful. I just need to keep the positive thoughts and energy going.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

Whew, welcome to the club lady! I think we all have these paranoid thoughts - I know I do!

 

We want to protect those that we love, and we don't want to be the one to do anything that would harm them. I get that. But your boyfriend is making a (very rational) decision to be unfazed - the numbers are definitely on his side in terms of transmission, especially if you're watching your symptoms (and it certainly sounds like you are!).

 

I thought the same thing the other day - my boyfriend said "and even if I get it, it won't be a big deal. It won't be your fault. And it would even give us something to share" (what a sweetheart). Put yourself in his shoes - knowing the mild symptoms you've had, if the risk were reversed? What would you do?

 

I would absolutely, 100% take the small risk of contracting this to be with my boyfriend - in a heartbeat. So why do I get to be able to make that judgement call, but assume that he's not feeling the same way?

 

Trust him that he is making his own decisions because he cares for you, and won't let some silly skin disease in an inconvenient place change his feelings for you.

 

Also, agree with journaling - or at least looking at your symptoms from a scientific point of view. I've never had an external outbreak - I've had razor burn throughout my life and suddenly now I'm questioning it. But after 2 more razor burn times (once I posted about it here :)), and letting it fade away in the ~1 day that it usually always does, now I know it's razor burn :) Okay. Check that off the list. Now, what about that itch? Oh it's all over. Okay. And some discharge (TMI). Well I did just finish antibiotics last week. Ah okay yeast infection.

 

We tend to blame EVERYTHING on herpes, but the fact is, it's a good chance it's not. It doesn't mean you're "safe" - anything that can weaken you down there can give H a way to rear it's head - but it does mean that you can treat it the way you'd usually treat it - a razor burn cream or Diflucan for a yeast infection.

 

We need to be patient with our bodies as we beat down the beast of H. It will happen. We can't force it. But it will happen. Hang in there!

[Bambina3]

Im also new and filled with lots of questions but i do know in the end....we will be fine, happy and love!

Sending hugs!!

[Wallyworld]

Thanks everybody. I'm surprised how at ease I feel now. This support has really helped.

[Anna01]

I think you already received some amazing advice. I want to reassure you that your fears are extremely common. Let them run their course but don't let them hang out for too long. You are not as contagious as you think. Pimples are still pimples. Mosquito bites are still mosquito bites. Haha we all know the feeling of "Is everything herpes??" So relax and enjoy this precious and sometimes pain in the butt gift called life.

 

It sounds like your bf is amazing :) Let him love you and don't let some inconvenient virus get in the way of that ;-)

[WCSDancer2010]

This is another way to look at the risk:

 

Think of it this way...

 

**I assume you drive a car

**and I assume if that is correct, you may occasionally drive your lover/BF somewhere

**And you BOTH know there is ALWAYS a risk of a car accident no matter how careful you are

**But you drive him anyway, right? Do you obsess day and night that you might injure/kill him every time he gets in your car? I doubt it.

**Why is the possibility of passing on H any different? At least it won't kill him!!!

 

Think on it :)

[Wallyworld]

That's a good way to look at it. I almost had another breakdown today and he insisted that he doesn't care and it doesn't matter. I know he's right and all of you are right but the whole thing still makes me feel bad.

[WCSDancer2010]

So do you worry more about giving him a virus than about killing him in a car accident?

 

You see, we have to find balance in all this - we need to make sure the person knows the risks, we need to do what we can to protect them, and then we just need to give it up to the Universe/God/whatever you believe in....

 

To do otherwise is to just perform self-inflicted torture ... and that isn't fair to our partner either ... because they don't want to see you in so much emotional pain either.

 

In life, there's only so much we can do to protect those we love. We have children and we HAVE to let them fall down, skin their knees, and sometimes something worse happens. But being a "helicopter parent" isn't good for them either. So this is another area where we just have to be AWARE of the risks around those we love, do what we can to help them to stay safe, but not smother them to a point where they can't breathe.

 

A life well lived assumes risk. If we just acknowledge the risks but *don't let them consume us* then we can live a contented and happy life :)