First disclose, first rejection

[Rop63]

Yep, it hurts. Not gonna lie. I don't really blame him, we were in it for a casual thing, but boy that smarts. What is worse is that this is the first time I have done this in 10 years. Marriage ended then and I was so focused on career and kids, and probably the underlying fear of just this, that I have not dated at all. So he comes around and 2 nights of sessions of serious, and seriously good physicality (everything but the final act) was leading to a 3rd, and the guilt of not telling was too much. He was very sweet about it, all the things others have said, hugged me, thanked for my honesty, was a little dumbstruck too which was funny. Some people have no idea about this. But he is not ready to take the risk. Sigh. I will be fine, I know this. I am an optimist in all things. It just sucks right now. Thanks for having a place I can say this to others that know.

[hippyherpy]

I think it's important not to take rejection personally, and to be talking to a lot of people so that any one rejection won't have that much weight.

[Rop63]

Totally get that and it's interesting cause I don't see how we can take it personally. In the casual sex realm, I can see that since feelings are not running deep it is not necessarily a risk people will want to take. He was so sweet about it, kept saying how bummed he was that I had it since the lead up was so great. Hilariously, it was very flattering on one level! :)

 

It is going to be tougher on those of us wanting a bit more casual. I imagine my rejection rate will be a smudge higher.

[Rop63]

That sounded crass, the not taking it personally thing. I was really talking about those of us in the casual sex realm. I totally understand how it would hurt on a whole other level for the folks that do have deep feelings for the person. So no harm intended.

[hippyherpy]

It doesn't feel good to get rejected, but it doesn't have to be so bad either. Definitely a drag at times. Just remember that they aren't rejecting you as a person, it's more of them just being scared.

[Rop63]

HH - You are right about that. Ugh. It's weighing me down as time to reflect goes on. I am pretty sad about it.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well @hippyherpy is the right person to discuss casual lookups, while having H thrown in the mix. I'm sure he can walk you through it some more.

[hippyherpy]

Europeans don't seem to care about it as much. Also I think that there is something to be said for the heat of the moment disclosure. That's worked for me. I just told a girl who i hung out with last night. We haven't had sex yet but I disclosed and she seemed fine with it.

[Rop63]

To be honest, 2legit2quit, your response wasn't particularly supportive and kind of hurt. My last post was that I was sad and I am. Just because I am interested in casual sex doesn't make me a bad person, but somehow you made me feel that way.

[2Legit2Quit]

@rop63 I'm sorry you feel that way. I haven't had sex since I got H. HH is all about casual sex and has gone through the process of continuing his previous lifestyle, while dealing w disclosure. I don't have that experience, so of course I'm going to point you in the direction of someone I know that has dealt w several disclosures for casual sex, since having H. I'm here to support and if I don't have the answers for soneone, I call in reinforcement that can answer that and I'm sorry you somehow took my reaching out to soneone w experience to help you navigate something I've not done yet, offends your senses. I'm here for support. No where did I say anything negative about casual sex. I think you need to remove emotion as best you can and reread things after reading this. I think and hope, you'll realize you're projecting a set of emotions coming from me, that actually didn't exist.

[Carlover]

Your not the only one. Apparently having herpes and disclosing for casual sex doesn't work out. I feel like you as well. I feel as though I'm never going to have sex again since I contracted it. Why do americans not understand it. I feel as though I need to just go around lying.

[2Legit2Quit]

@carlover there are plenty more on here who have casual sex. I know too many on here and in my personal life, to know your statement not to be true. Right now, you need to focus on you and coming to acceptance w H. Dating anyone should be the last thing on your mind, until you come to acceptance of this virus. Once you do that, then the idea of dating will not be so daunting. W that said, yes some have had it awhile, disclosed and have been rejected. Who cares if it's just a casual sex partner and they reject you; they're just rejecting the risk,... Not you? Casual sex usually happens w people you find physically attractive, but don't take them serious and aren't attracted to them as a life partner. Who cares? They were meant to spend one night w, so if they say no, who cares... Scream NEXT! There's better to come along! ;-)

[Carlover]

Thanks. I was accepting of it or so I thought. I go back and forth some days on the virus and am continuing to do research. It just seems like every site I read has a different statistic for contracting the disease. My stress levels vary and at this point in time they are higher. I've revently started a new job and am worried how I am going to pay bills after I had to take a medical leave and was not able to start the new job with the 35 hours I thought I was going to recieve.

[2Legit2Quit]

@carlover how long have you had this now? It takes longer than a couple months to get to complete acceptance. Try not overwhelming yourself w the virus right now and just stick to this site. This site has the latest information on the studies co ducted and transmission rates. Everything you want to o know about the virus that's up to date info, will be on this site.

[WCSDancer2010]

I would normally comment more but I'm dealing with my 87 yr old father and can't put a lot of extra commentary in - but all this has been discussed in the past, and there are PLENTY of people having casual sex out there.... so I'm going to post the links to some stuff that will help you to see that you there are plenty of people out there who will have sex with you after disclosure.... as well as some info of rejection and the physical reason it (literally) hurts so much ... hope it helps :)

 

Rejection

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Casual sex:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2749/casual-hook-ups-one-night-stands-with-the-h

 

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-with-herpes Ella

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2749/casual-hook-ups-one-night-stands-with-the-h

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex general discussion

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6484/another-great-interview-with-ella-dawson-includes-great-info-on-how-she-deals-with-casual-sex

 

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7106/two-totally-separate-success-stories (casual sex)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it thiisgoingtobeok (Casual Sex Successful Disclosure)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313 (casual friend)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder Casual sex Willow

 

[Rop63]

@wcsdancer2010

 

Thank you so much for those links, the site is a little hard to navigate to find the information you need, so this is amazing. Take care of you and your family. It is so important to be there for your parents - I can tell you from my experience with a mom with Alzheimer's. It is a strain for sure, but they did it for us for the first 20+ years, they deserve the love and attention we have to give. Best wishes.

[hippyherpy]

It's definitely possible to have casual sex with herpes. One way to do it is to make sure your partner knows that the risk of them catching anything from you is super low. Use meds and condoms.

 

Or not. Before I got herpes, I had casual sex with two women who disclosed to me they had it. I used a condom and don't think j got my herpes from them because my blood test showed that I had herpes before the second one and didn't gab it after the first.

 

Also what can help is if you convey that you've had a lot of experience having sex with herpes and not be freaked out about you guys having sex.

 

The last girl who got me to consent told me she'd had boyfriends who didn't get it from her and even ate her out (that's a tricky one because I didn't know much about it back then).

 

Let them know that you are on top of your stuff.

 

The one thing I've been grappling with in disclosure is that I sometimes think you don't have to make a huge deal out of it. Did you tell someone and they are cool with it, then leave it at that. Don't keep talking about it if you don't need to because then you might needlessly freak them out. You can give the facts, very simple and straight up, but you don't need to get into a big thing if they are ok with it after you disclose and tell them that the risk is very low if use condums and are taking a pill etc.

[2Legit2Quit]

^^^ see? Straight from the man's mouth, who has the experience to tell you about sleeping w girls pre H infection and post H infection. Take it from him.

[Rop63]

Update and just general support for angst needed. So, as many people have experienced it seems, my guy called me and wanted to meet up again. He said right up front, he is really in to me and wants to have what ever we can, but was only ready for heavy petting and oral. Works for me. Last night we have a really nice hang time and some very seriously good oral sex. All good. This am I wake up with the obvious signs on an oral blister. I am HSV1 (all my life) and 2 - cause if you are gonna do, do it all the f-ing way. I am completely freaked out that I now have given this totally cool guy the biz though the oral I gave him. How easy is it to give it to a person with1 through oral sex. I am sort of devastated about this. What is interesting is that since I have started back in on the dating scene, I am taking suppressive V and I think maybe the sore on my lip is much less so because of it, but that made it harder to tell that it was a sore...... I am praying to the karma gods that I did not give this guy anything.

 

This opens a new hole for me as I have been pretty ok with having herpes since I have had it for over 30 years now, but I am just realizing the impact of possibility giving it to someone else no matter what precautions we take. That is a pretty big deal.

 

Oh boy. Here I am, taking the right precautions, being responsible, and still worried about negatively impacting a good persons life. I thought I had this, but i don't.

[Rop63]

Strike the good from my sentence good persons life and replace with a persons life. Even I know this is far from a good vs evil type of thing. Rookie blogger mistake.

[2Legit2Quit]

Often people experiences symptoms after sex of any kind, just from the friction and freak they passed it. Just because you wake the next day w something doesn't mean that you were active or shedding virus or enough to infect someone during that time. Most freak out about this and are fine. Do not stress it and assume the best, until/if he comes to you w symptoms. I'm sure all is fine, so long as you had no symptoms before oral.

 

Listen, he had a risk of getting ghsv 1 w you, just as much as he would w anyone else. Just because you have HSV 2, doesn't suddenly make you higher risk for passing HSV 1 via oral sex. It's no different the risk w making out w someone.

[hippyherpy]

Understand that rejection will happen. Often. That's the deal with this thing from what I've experienced. That said, life is full of rejections. There's a tendency in our culture for people to want everything to be perfect. Reality is fraught with more complications.

 

I've had some sucky rejections. To the point where sex was guaranteed and then disclosure and then red light. I've also had successes.

 

For me, herpes is just another punch in the face from life. But it's not a knockout and I keep going and say fuck that.

 

I do disclose, but there's really no reason why someone who is willing to have casual sex with a stranger should reject me, logically speaking. I'm on Valtrex and use condoms, so there's less a chance of some girl getting it from me than some random guy who has it but doesn't know (or some dude with oral herp who goes down on her).

 

The logic is there, but people often make decisions based on emotion.

 

Anyway, you have to keep going and not let any one particular rejection get you down. There are more level headed people out there who don't think herpes is a big deal and can understand when you explain to them that you are doing what you can to be as safe as possible.

 

For the rejectors, you got to just got the next button and drop them from your mind.

 

[2Legit2Quit]

@hippyherpy look at you!!?? Impressive advice. You've come a long way my friend! Awesome job!

[Rop63]

Thanks to you both for your comments. I appreciate it. This issue now is not so much about rejection, but the realization of what it would mean to give it to someone - even when they know the risk. I just don't want to do that, ever. I know what it is like to have it, I sure don't want to be the one to give to another. And yet, the only way to be certain is to not have sex! Gosh, I am terrified I gave it to him and if I did I will be so sad for both him and me. I am going to try to take your advice legit and calm down. Sadly, it has put a rather large damper on how much fun we had and how glad I was he came back around.

 

Thanks for listening.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Rop63

 

So - here's the deal with having oral HSV1. I also have both (I'm like you, I never do things by halves..LOL) so I have paid attention to it too.

 

You have to remember 80% of the population has HSV1 orally... and 80% of them don't even know it. So assuming your friend has has oral sex performed on him in the past, odds are 80% of the time he was with someone who had it. And he's gotten lucky. Just like anyone else who is in the 20% who doesn't have it (yet).

 

Think of it this way...

 

**I assume you drive a car

**and I assume if that is correct, you may occasionally drive your lover/BF somewhere

**And you BOTH know there is ALWAYS a risk of a car accident no matter how careful you are

**But you drive him anyway, right? Do you obsess day and night that you might injure/kill him every time he gets in your car? I doubt it.

**Why is the possibility of passing on H any different? At least it won't kill him!!!

 

So - yes, it's *possible* you gave it to him. But he knows your status ... he knows the risks. All YOU can do is do what you are doing...take the Valtrex, monitor your symptoms, and get on with life... just as you would get in your car every day with your kids, your lover, your friends.

 

(((HUGS)))