I know what I WANT&DESERVE damn it!!!!!!!

[Thumper]

I'm an extremely fit and healthy 54 yr. old divorced 3 times women. I gave hsv2 to my first husband and we didn't find out till our daughter was 6 months old. He had an outbreak, dr said he probably got it from me and I didn't know I had it. Sure enough I get tested, I have it, I'm A symptomatic. I just spread the shit around w out having outbreaks. Nice huh?

Long story short. I told 2 men that I dated after my divorce. They got it. This was before repressive therapy,WICH IS NOT 100%, as well as condom use is NOT 100%.

My next 2 marriages, we had sex 5 times in 6 yrs. He said if he ever got it he'd divorce me. The 3 rd husband and I never had penetration. BOTH men were losers. They were with me because I supported them monitarilly . They viewed no sex as an excellent trade off for being able to sit on their ass. BTW both looked fat, like shit, not active, one had a heart attach, the other gout snd stroke, both w high blood pressure. I felt lucky to have someone and a lot of the times the companionship was nice:)

I went on PS dating site for people w STDs. The people that lived close, were active whom I deemed attractive BOTH were merely looking for sex from me. They're profiles said otherwise. If a man tells me I'm sexy or hot... That's DEFINATELY a red flag. It means they won't look past my physicality to see ME.

I went on a different site for fit people. I do have men look at me, approach me all the time... HOWEVER, most that do are unfit, don't care for themselves. They think that because they have money or a boat, motorcycle etc... That they can entice me that way...anyway, I met a man who was 58 Jewish, retired military, wall climber, fitness and self defense instructor, tri athelete, he knew what a Clean & Jerk & Snatch was without thinking they were sexual terms due to ignorance. He rejected me. Nicely of course, but the outcome is the same.

I KNOW what I WANT & WHAT I DESERVE. I'm terrified I'll be a spinster the rest of my life due to my age, finding a Jewish fit man my age who will want me. I will NO LONGER just settle.

I purchased the 4 books from the course on this website. I'm going to Israel for 2 weeks this summer to volunteer for the IDF(Israel defense force ) so saving money for that.

I want to use the tools of this course, as well as the teachings of the Torah to help myself.... Kill the rage & depression I have over this.

I roller skate outside and in, am interested in derby style skating, went to a derby camp last summer, love wall climbing, cross fit type training, took a shooting class, want to learn the skills much more in all these. I love to garden, smoke meat, bake bread, walk my dog, I give money to causes.....

Thanks for reading, I just signed up today, will show support for others on this site as well:)

BTW I don't care who knows I have this. I tell random people and my family all the time. If they were to write me off as a human being for that..oh well.. They're not worth my time. I like to think that by my disclosing my past drinking problem and this, that I could be helpful and supportive to others:)

[ihaveittoo]

Hello @Thumper,

 

Glad you found this site. It is one of best on the internet when it comes to herpes. Another one is at this link http://supporttruthanddialog.com/. It is written by @WCSDancer2010, who is the forum mom here. I believe you will find her blog very interesting. As a 29 year veteran of herpes myself I wish her blog would have been available decades ago. The article Using Herpes as your Wingman is a must read.

 

Good luck in Israel next summer. They need all the help they can get. The current administration running the U.S. is no friend to them.

 

 

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Well, I think you may be projecting a lot of your insecurities on someone and assuming that there are res flags. In today's day and age, things move faster than they have before, such as sexting one another before ever being physically intimate, being more blunt about them finding you hot and sexy, etc. . tines have changed significantly w dating and that's speaking from a 34yr old, who has grown up w the technology and dating era. Unfortunately men do want and think about sex first and foremost. Just being patient and seeing how they handle things, you can usually figure out by week 3 if they're in it for real or not. You deserve so much better than what you've been giving yourself and because you've cheated yourself for so long, you're now in hyperdrive protective mode. You won't let anyone in, who says one wrong thing. I know, because I have the same issue. I will call a guy out if I feel he's making sexual innuendos too soon. Often his response to that and behavior after calling it out, is indicative of what his intentions are. Don't automatically write someone off, unless it's a blaring red flag and give them a chance to pull back. Women move very quickly today too, since technology, so they continue doing what they have been able to get away w other women. You just gotta put them in their place .I think it's great that right now you focus on your self love, before you give to another. As a friend said to me once: how can you fall in love w soneone else first and give that gift to them, before you fall on love w yourself first? Sounds bad doesn't it? That many of us are willing to give the love we so deserve from ourselves to another first, before we nurture ourselves? I think you're on the right path, just ride this wave, put men behind you for now and focus on you

[Thumper]

Ihaveittoo thank u! I'll check out those links. Thsnx for ur support re. Israel too!

[Thumper]

2Legit2Quit thank you for your feedback:) I've only had one sexual relationship this past summer w one of the guys from the PS site. He went skating with me, other outings, after a few weeks I thought he was really into me as a person. The minute I slept w him that was all he wanted.... Anyway. I want a husband not a boyfriend. Im changing my approach. No sex before marriage, I do not need a long courtship, mabey a year. Remember .... I'm 20 yrs. older than u and I'm running out of time. My past problems w relationships are I'd throw something against a wall to see if it would stick w out even asking: do we have similar interests, goals, beliefs, motivation, care about health etc.... I'm energetic, live life with a purpose, love to have healthy fun... At my age however, meeting what I want is a needle in a haystack. So I was involved for 13 yrs. w 2 men and no sex, until last summer. I was new to being single. I thought" even men my age r still interested in ONLY getting laid??"anyway... Thank U:) I would love to hear your story!

[2Legit2Quit]

Have you tried eharmony? Sites like that, people are more serious about looking for a relationship. Unfortunately, most men are only after one thing. Since the chnage in technology, I've noticed men will just want to find someone to sext w. They'll come on strong, tall about wanting to be w you and then start sneaking in sexual innuendos and not sokn after, wanna send dick pics or videos. It's rather disheartening and I are 34, find it a struggle to navigate the dating world. It is much harder to determine their sincerity, through technology these days, as they don't have to look you in the eyes as much.

 

You're talking about running out if time and like I'm not running out if time, what I'd I want kids? I'd say I'm running out of time no? Hehehe... Luckily I don't want any, but yes at 34, I feel that as my looks fade, that I am running on less time to attract a man. Luckily, I have no interest in dating and the guy I was talking to, came to me, as he was a mutual friend of my friend. He came in hard, steog and fast, which I told him I saw as red flags and wasn't interested in dating, but he kept trying. Final conclusion: think he wanted someone he could just have sext w, to get off to, so I walked. Trust me, I have a bad taste in my mouth fkr dating. I've been single for 6yrs. My ex, has already married in that time, actually w in 3yrs of splitting. So I feel your pain, but I can't understand completely, as I am younger.

 

Have you tried meetup.com yet? They haev groups for age groups, specific to things you like to do. That may be a start .

[Thumper]

It's such a relief to hear the things u say!!! Yes!! The sexting and all that! Very true! I've been on match j date military singles law enforcement singles Ashleigh Maddison. I'm done w sites! It's expensive too to e mail per month. Seattle H is part of the meetup groups.

Don't say your looks are fading girlie!! I'm 54 and get looked at, told I'm hot like I said... I'm a very humble women tho. W no ego whatsoever. I can truly say that and I kno it. I take very good care of myself physically. I work 60 hrs a week as a janitor, very physical job too. As well as my being active all these years.

I'm firm that if a man really wants ME... He'll wait. Even if I end up a spinster it's better than settling.. WICH is wat I've done all my life:)

Hell... I wish u and I could get together, but this is great too!! Thank U!

[2Legit2Quit]

Bummer, I live across the US from you, but I have been wanting to travel to Seattle, because I am big on hiking and camping, and based on the national parks you guys have, it's on my list. I also would like to do some whale watching. Whje I make it out there, we can meet up. How's that sound!? O became good friends w someone from the first forum I was ever on over a yr ago and we took a trip to the mountains and went white water rafting this past September. It didn't feel awkward meeting in person at all and spending the weekend together. We had. ablasy and the pics to prove it! I even smile typing this, because I knkw that I made a life long friend, which is so hard to do when you reach your 30s and older, all cause of H. I communicate w her more, than I do w anyone who has been in my life 13-20yrs even! ALWAYS a silver lining to H.

 

Well I have a cute face, but after I injured my neck last yr and was laid up for months, I went from working out 5 days a week to none. Due to my hypothyroidism, I can gain SUPER, super, FAST, if I'm not working out and I sure the fuck chunked up! Men don't like thick girls and their definition of thick, is not the same as women.. Or curvy I should say. Men consider run way models skinny, women don't include them in what we call skinny, because it's practically impossible to look like them.... When women describe skinny, we think people like Jennifer aniston, Carmen Electra, fergie are skinny. Men say they like curves, but ask them to list off women who are curvy and guess who they will name? The ones we consider skinny in Hollywood. So for me, being "thin enough" for most men, is very difficult. As my guys friends told me : men will choose a girl w a fit body w a not so great face any day, over a girl w a super pretty face and a little extra weight. That is why I feel it's fading for me.

 

In all honesty if I may, I think your need for acceptance from men has led you to make poor choices w them, not necessarily H. H is an easy excuse to blame things on, because it's much harder to be introspective and dig deeper to find what the culprit may really be. I've watched countless people, finally come to this conclusion, after pointing that out to them on the forums. Men who really want to be w you, wont care about H. It's not a myth, it's true.

[Thumper]

Wow!:) I enjoyed this whole chunk of dialogue! Thank U. This last paragraph I almost want to print out and put it in my binder full of Jewish wisdom. There is s part of me that doesn't think I'm good enough... I guess. That is why I settled for losers. This last man that was more of what I really wanted to be with, mabey just didn't want to be with me.. Who knows!

I like how you said " s silver lining to H:). We meet people for all kinds of different reasons.

I'd like to keep in touch!

[2Legit2Quit]

As I mentioned to the two other ladies on here yesterday about traveling alone as a woman, will be a HUGE life changer for you. You've already got that planned and you need to continue doing so and learning to enjoy your company, alone eating or site seeing. I used to be very codependent. I didn't even want to sit in my house alone in the weekends and watch a movie. I couldn't stand it, although I'd been living alone since I was 22 and I was still like that till I was 31! After traveling for work for three yrs, wvey single week out of state, I finally learned to enjoy my own company. At first, I'd only do room service, because I was too embarrassed and felt stupid to eat alone at a restaurant or a bar, but I noticed men do not have a problem w this on my traveles and one day, I took a magazine down w me to the bar and from then on I started site seeing on my own and going out to eat and bars on my own. I used to always look forward to striking up a convo w a stranger, then I started at times to just want to sit alone, but he surrounded by people... Sounds weird right? Slowly I noticed I didn't need to go out on the weekends when I was home and started looking forward to vegging by myself. This ultimately is what broke my codependency, which is a magnet for douche canoes and abusive men. Now those men may see me, try chatting me up, but they can sense I take no bullshit quickly and realize, I'm not an easy target and move on. It was very freeing for me and you're starting your journey.. It's never too late. You might be 50, but you got a better bod and am in better shape than my 34yr old ass! You still got a lot of active yrs ahead if you and I'm sure we'll see you on the news one day, as that 80yr old woman still running marathon's or doing hard yoga moves!

 

Moral of the story, although I still don't live me like I should and battle depression, my journey learning to love being alone w myself, made me confident in being alone and warm contentment w it. When you get there, you will not worry about Me. Right coming along, you'll just take faith in knowing that he will and it's not up to you to worry about it, because you're free and when the time is right, you'll be ready for him and he ready for you. <3

 

Definitely! Feel free to PM me anytime. I have friended several women from this site and one like a month ago even who was new and chat every single day now.. Even on the phone. I have more friends now post H, than I did pre H.

 

Shit, maybe I should schedule a H Adventure get away and post it one day, for people to enjoy a getaway for the weekend, hiking or canyoneering or whitewater rafting!

[StillMeButWiser]

Have to like yourself in order to hang out with yourself. Lol. Think about it. No one wants to hang out with someone they don't like. It's torture.

 

I spend a lot of time alone, since I don't work full time and have 50% custody. I do like myself and who I am. It does get lonely. Sad when I'm having a Debbie downer day. So when I'm out at a store, etc, I tend to talk to people very easily. Laughing and making light of the day. Leaves both of us feeling good. Because of the type of work I do (promotions/model) I'm used to interacting with strangers. To Some people this may be uncomfortable. We have the power of opportunity. Simply standing next to someone in line is opportunity to meet someone special.

[2Legit2Quit]

Exactly!

[Thumper]

I've been an extremely independent women my entire life. I got my own apartment at 19. I started working at 16. Moved to Hawaii for 3 years at 21, had my own studio apartment, worked 2 snd 3 jobs, moved back to wash at 24, got married , had a kid, kept my job, got. Divorced worked 2 jobs to keep house and car. NEVER BEEN ON ASDISTANCE OR HAD A MAN TSKE CATE OF ME AT SNY TIME, even tho I would Hav liked to been able to support each other.... I drive across the state at nite alone... No biggie I go to movies, OLY LIFTING meets, was s member at crossfit for 3 years, I roller skate, went to a derby camp across state , flew to Hawaii for vacation 2 wice since I lived there, took care of 3 men financially, ALLLL of these things I've done ALONE!!!! wall climbing... I am an xtremely self motivated women with a frick ton of passions and interests. Especially now that I'm older and feel like I don't have time to waste, I'm not in my 30 s anymore. I bake breads, garden , smoke meats... I'm told by men that I'm " hot" but who gives a shit! 2 of them I met on an std dating site, they were only looking for sex. The other most recently was not positive, he was my age,active.., couldn't handle using condoms, at this age he didn't want to take the risk even if I was on suppressive therapy. I'm going to a brunch tomorrow to vent to people in person , Seattle H Scene. This guy from the group messaged me because u create a profile like u do in a dating site yet it's not a dating site. Says he's not going but liked my photo and is a young 61 yr old looking for a life partner. Of course clearly from looking at his photo it only had half his face and he's out of shape. I guess this is what I'm destined too. My last 3 relationships the men let themselves go....where do I find fit men my age that won't reject me like the perfect one I mentioned above?? It's hard meeting men just living my everyday life. I'm not searching , this new rejection just happened. I don't sit in a dark room and do nothing! I also attend synigogue every sat. There is an x military police officer and swat trainer who has a girlfriend but goes to Synigogue. He said he'd love to introduce me to some men at his work but they'd probably reject me too. I'm worthy damn it!!!! Hard working dependable outgoing healthy attractive...

[2Legit2Quit]

Well did you Google meetup. Com and create a profile for your interests, so it shows you groups you can join. Example, it will have health, fitness, runners, biking, hiking, etc groups and you just hit join. That's the only way I can think of how to meet people doing what you do. Groups will have age groups as well, so you're not hanging w 20 somethings for example. The groups I joined were for 30 something to 40 something professionals, as obviously, most of us had no interest in hanging out w 20 something yr olds.

[2Legit2Quit]

And I still stand by this, regardless of age.

 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/learned-solo-travel-after-grandmother-death_b_9043230.html?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women&section=us_women&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046

[Thumper]

Seattle H Scene is part of the meetup groups. I belong to 3 others. I havnt gone because the times don't match w my schedule but I will. Thank U again. I kno all I do is complain. I'll see how the brunch goes today:)

[WCSDancer2010]

Wow!:) I enjoyed this whole chunk of dialogue! Thank U. This last paragraph I almost want to print out and put it in my binder full of Jewish wisdom. There is s part of me that doesn't think I'm good enough... I guess. That is why I settled for losers. This last man that was more of what I really wanted to be with, mabey just didn't want to be with me.. Who knows!

I like how you said " s silver lining to H:). We meet people for all kinds of different reasons.

I'd like to keep in touch!

 

There is s part of me that doesn't think I'm good enough... I guess. That is why I settled for losers.

 

BINGO! Herpes just gives you an excuse, or something to blame, for having that view on yourself... but it likely goes a LOT deeper and MUCH further into your past decision-making (when you decided who you are) life events.

 

You've settled for TWO men who used you. And now you say you have decided no sex before marriage.... so IMO you are setting yourself up for another let down in that area. Your experience with the PS guy, I'm afraid, is just typical of dating today and even guys on E-Harmony say they are looking for one thing and then when you have sex, they really are not looking for more than that (I know, I just went through that myself recently with a EH guy). And yes, men in our age group (I'm 54 too) ARE still driven by the little head .... LOL Just remember, the guys on PS are JUST AS AFRAID OF REJECTION as you are - which is why they are there looking to get laid - because they are just as fragile as we are... often MORE... about rejection :)

 

So - I gave you a ton of reading in your other post. That's a good place to start. I think that may fill in some of the blanks for you. And watch for the next Herpes Opportunity weekend.... it's one of the BEST places to be if you want to really blast through all of your stuff around Herpes and relationships :)

[WCSDancer2010]

One other thing - read all the Success Stories that you can... you will see not only that people can and DO find AMAZING H- partners with H, but they realize that they were fortunate that all the others got the hell out of the way so that person could walk into their life :)

[StillMeButWiser]

@thumper. Wow you are a power house! I want to be your friend. Seriously, lady of determination, courage, confident and the list goes on. After reading all you accomplishments and seeing how strong you are then in regards to your original frustration of this post one thing comes to mind. When you are dating a guy, who is wearing the pants?

 

Obviously you being a strong lady which is not a bad thing but sometimes (and I'm the same way) we can forget to let the man be the man because we are so used to doing it ourselves. An independent women who always done things for herself forgets to take a step back and let him do the manly things. Does this make sense? A confident man will do his part (if we allow him)but if he sees or feel he is not needed he will move on. The insecure man wants the powerhouse lady to take care of hiim. Google manly presence vs non.

 

I was on a date with my Latin master. (He likes it when I call him that. Lol) who is all about his manly role of taking care of his lady. (In part from his culture) Then you got me, who is miss independent always having to do things for myself and sticking up for myself. Well couple times I over stepped into his role and he corrected me. Was almost like I insulted him, unintentionally of coarse. I apologized as I explained, I don't realize what I am doing because I'm so used to having to do everything. He understood but reiterated, no this is my job to take care of you. In fact, he has told me this other times when I didn't step on his toes.

 

Thumper, now is your time to be pampered.

[2Legit2Quit]

That's a true statement @stillmebutwiser I have the same issue, being an alpha female.

[Thumper]

I'll get w u guys tonite:) I appreciate all your support!! I worked all weekend. I'll be back thank U all!!!

[Thumper]

I've been working 55 hrs. A week. I Hav not been in here at all! This is the first morning I havnt had to rush off to my job BEFORE work. I also Hav not been showing support to others. I wish however that I would not hsv wasted money on this course that Adriel sells . I Hav no time to look at it let alone my Jewish studies and I think he uses it to line his pockets.

The support brunch was a joke. I don't need to make more friends, or acquaintance s in my life, let alone ones that specifically Hav herpes. There was no discussions, just an excuse for people to get together who already Hav established friendships in the group.

I joined a dating site in which I wrote a very lengthy profile expressing my not wanting sex before marriage AND the fact that I Hav herpes. Many many views, a few e mails but all from fat ugly lonely men. I'm soooo done! Hashem meant for me to be alone... So be it. A man at work that I talk to off and on for the last year gsve me his no. Long story short hr wanted me to come to his house after work to get better acquainted . I said we should meet somewhere. He said he wasn't trying to get me to his place to take advantage of me. I said I wasn't worried about that snd that I was waiting for marriage anyway. He had been texting me all day up until that point snd IVE NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGSIN!!!!!!@)(&!!!. He is s manager in the huge factory I eork at, well groomed, my age, not s slouch by any means not s loser. I didn't even need to tell him about my herpes he dropped me because he knew I wouldn't let him fuck me. I wasn't worthy of him getting to know me as a human being.!!!! I'm seeing a psychiatrist now. I wish I had the guts and strength to commit suicide!!! Even men in their 50s only wsnt to fuck. I should have fucked him and given him a dose of me that he would hsv remembered me fit the rest of his life everytime he had an outbreak !!!!

[mr_hopp]

Hi Thumper,

 

I totally understand your anger in all of this. I was pissed off, too. It's actually healthy to be pissed off and angry when such a big change happens in life ... and especially when life doesn't seem to be living up to expectations. It's part of this whole process of healing and moving past the hurt of it all. It's all washing away with every feeling we allow ourselves to feel. I get that it's been super hard for you. It sounds like you are stretched very thin in your life, with very little time to have for yourself, to really be with yourself and really healthily process your pain. That's hard to not have that kind of space to just chill and take care of yourself. In my experience of anger, especially when I'm super pissed off, it's protecting me from feeling some really deep, raw and sad feelings. I'm so glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself and seeing a psychiatrist. That is a sign of strength. To even keep coming on these forums is a sign of strength. To share that you're suicidal is a sign of strength. All of this strength is building your foundation for you to be the happy, loving and open person you know yourself to be.

 

Just notice when your anger is being targeted at anyone else, including yourself. That's when anger is unhealthy and hurtful. Anger that keeps wounding and hurting yourself and/or others keeps the vicious cycle alive. In that way, anger totally self-perpetuates when it's not processed and released. Unconscious anger = unhealthy; conscious anger = healthy. Let yourself feel your feelings and practice releasing them as you feel them. The stories you tell yourself about not wanting any friends or acquaintances or anything breaks my heart to hear, but I think all of us can relate to you on some level and at some time. And these are all thoughts tied to all this pain in you. These thoughts are only as true as you want them to be.

 

The Lifestyle Guides have a 100% moneyback guarantee, so I just submitted a full refund for you. And to be clear, this isn't lining my pockets. ;) The proceeds help keep this community alive, so whoever buys the guides also helps support this community in thriving.

 

Keep us updated on your process and know there is a lot of love here for you!

[Thumper]

I feel crappy about what I said up top re. Adriel lining his pockets... I was lashing out in anger as well as buyers remorse due to lack of free time now. His response to me was so warm, comforting, uplifting , dripping with positive and understanding energy, words etc., that I felt undeserving of such support, due to my crappy attitude:)!

I appreciate all advise and support from everyone who reached out after my tirade.

I will read all of this to my psychiatrist next week.

I'm taking this weekend off to attend synagogue, Jewish studies, work out, bake bread etc.. Before another 55 hr. Week ahead.

In listening to a rabbi speak on Isrseli talk radio, uplifting people, giving of myself to people from a positive g-dly perspective is my responsibility ..,,,.its the right thing to do not only for others, but benefits myself as well. Treat others as you would have them treat you and reap the rewards from doing so!

Someday I hope to pair up with a kind, fit, age appropriate, Torah studying Jewish man whom will adore and have my best interests at heart. I will not settle for less than that, I'd rather do without and thru therapy, and self care, learn to be happy with being single.

I wish happiness and support to everyone here !

I will check back on the weekend to see if I can be of some support too:)

[2Legit2Quit]

Girl, we all are humans and respond from emotion at times. I am no stranger to it myself. I think I've gotten into it w like 3 people on here, because I ALLOWED MYSELF, to be triggered by them. It was all me. Ironically though, it has brought me closer to those 3 people, two of which, we private msg each other almost daily now, huh @ihaveittoo and @bambina03 !? It's allowed me to grow, especially when @wcadancer2010 drops some knowledge bombs on me. Sometimes I will feel justified at first and then her and I go back and forth, until she gets me to remove myself from being in my feelings and try to stand in their shoes. Now she almost never has to school me and I will see where I did wrong immediately and go to her and tell her. Before she had to coach me a lot more. Although one we don't pm one another, it made me learn to accept him for who he is and not EXPECT him to respond or be who I THINK he should respond or be. That would be @hippyherpy. . him and I have come a long way as well. Just my building a relationship w bambina03 and Ihaveittoo, has really been meaningful for me and helps me to learn about myself, just by talking w them and it's therapeutic. You say you don't need friends from this community, but I'm here to tell you, the best part of getting H for me, has been some of the friends I've made inhere and the support we get from one another. I'm friends w about 5 people on fb from this forum. Two of them, we talk every day on WhatsApp, all through out the day. I have more friends now than I did prior to herpes and the one thing I love most about it, this vulnerable and scary experience makes people let their walls down more, and makes it easier to connect on a deeper level. We after 30 especially, tend to be very guarded w people, especially w new friends, which hinders actually building a true connection and friendship. H has really ended up giving me what I needed most, during some of my darkest moments of my battle w depression. A support system.

 

A mentor said something very wise to me once, because I am so emotional and reactive to people and that is basically the only tool I was given in life, because I grew up in a very unpredictable - volatile abusive home. My mother had no boundaries and no control over managing her emotions and that's been hard for me to learn myself. So w that little back story, what my mentor said to me that was so profound for me was this: "If the only tool in life you've ever been given is a hammer everything will look like a nail." He is so right! I always was searching to see if someone is ill intended, going to hurt me, trying to screw me over, trying to put me down, etc.. So my first instinct is to use the tool I was only ever given and pound that nail w all I've got. If f'ing sucks. I hate that I have to undo many years of being conditioned like this, but irsrnever tok late to start. If you're always looking for the bad, you're gonna find it and the same can be said if you're always looking for the good in everything, it too can be found. Silver linings can be found in almost everything, it can just be hard to see sometimes. Hugs!