Disclosure sheets

[Thumper]

Well I have a man friend that I Hav no intention of sleeping with and I showed him the 2!disclosure sheets. He said quite honestly if he met a woman with herpes, unless he was going to Mary her he would not have interviurse snd he hates condoms. I was married to 2 men who would not have intercourse with me because of my herpes. We used toys for s while but that got old ... There's nothing like the real thing... U cannot replace it, or sugar coat it in any way. J was looking at done potn he sent me cause we talk about everything. I was do jelouse . Also I don't think anyone has gone down on me orally since I was in my 20 s

Needless to say ... Having a sick pussy makes me feel less ofa woman. Like I'm not s whole woman. If k cannot hsv intercourse , I'd just assume not have anything at all.

[2Legit2Quit]

How soon are you disclosing to these guys?

[Thumper]

This is just a friend! I was sharing info about h with him. He's not a guy I'd ever sleep with. It was his feeling about the papers. Just getting a male friends point of view

[Bambina3]

I am married, tried to approach this with my husband who I have not fully disclosed to, and his response was similar about never wanting to be with someone that had h....my middle son, has hsv1, I asked him a similar question, same response.

it is the stigma, the awful stigma attached to this...and to be honest, part of me doesn't blame them....if I wasnt attached to someone emotionally, I wouldn't take the risk.

Someday I will have the courage to fully disclose.

 

I think it takes time to emotionally bond with someone, before even thinking about disclosing....

Papers or no papers, it's a life long std we have. I'm easing my husband into it, and if I hear of him having another breakout (Drs mis diagnosed I am sure) I will have no choice to disclose rather than see him suffer with no treatment. He is attached to someone with h.

 

I read many success stories of people here, that are h positive going into happy relationships with h negative people....it's inspirational....you should try and read them.

 

And I would stop searching for mr right, he will find you ;)

 

I have found, the best things in life have happened to me, when I least expected it

[Thumper]

I'm tired of u people not actually READING wat I write !!!!! I said I was MARRIED to 2 men who would never have interviurse or go down on me while we were dating or married!!!! How did u miss that ???!? After a while with toys it was like wats the use it got old for them and me. To be blunt Bambi as my friend whom I showed the papers to said " thrusting is important" I also don't appreciate your comment about stop looking for mr right. Where in my above post did I give the impression that I was even looking for anybody???!!!!!!! All I said was that I showed the disclosure papers to s make friend of mind and he gave me his opinion !!!! Fuck!! I eork 60 fucking hours a week I don't need this dhit from people who don't actually read what I say. I'm outta here for good. Wen u Hav s sick pussy like we do, and j try to sugar coat it Hoon people in and make light of it and call it an opportunity no less people see right thru that shit who don't Hav it!!!! Get your heads outta your asses people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Thumper]

To whom it may concern please delete my account. I Hav no idea how to do that nor do I have the time.

[Shanshine]

@thumper based on your posts above, I am pretty sure it's your personality that is keeping you from getting laid or having someone go down on you, not H. By the way, have you ever tried the H positive dating sites?? Anyway, based on your posts, you are angry and lash out at people when you are frustrated. I can only imagine how much worse your attitude is in person. You were abusive to @Bambina and she was just trying to help!! My advice is that you should see a therapist and get cognitive behavioral therapy to control your emotions. Once you have your emotions in check, you will be able to attract a man who actually likes you and H won't matter.

[Bambina3]

@Thumper

Number one....I was trying to be nice and help you, but with an attitude like yours, I'd be running for the hills!!

I have read your posts, including your one thread in "I want what I want"....you are looking...and I can only speak from an emotional not clinical standpoint...Everyone wants to be loved, and I have no doubt underneath this anger you are a very lovable person.

Our heads are not in our asses, but trust me, if you spoke to me that way in person, the way you did above, yours would be!

 

Again, I will bite my tongue and be nice because I completely understand the anger you are feeling, I have felt it too, I still cry and have outbursts. I wish you luck Thumper, and hope you can try and find a smile everyday.

 

 

@Shanshine, thank you

[This_sucks]

Your last paragraph about having a sick vagina is exactly how I feel.

[This_sucks]

Well damn. I just read the other comments. @thumper you are wrong with that attitude. Everyone in here has it and is dealing with it. It's no fun for any of us.

[2Legit2Quit]

Oh OK... You weren't very clear in your post who it was, so I was confused. Sorry about that. Lot's of people say things, until they have feelings for someone. I said I wouldn't be w soneone w something and then I married someone w something. People say things things all the time.

 

Whoooooaaaq @thumper things need to cool off here. @bambina3 was simply trying to offer you some support and you're lashing out on her. I know you are angry right now, but taking it out on others who are trying to be your support, isn't the right way to go about it. Have you ever reread your posts after you post them? They're actually kinda hard to understand, so that may be why people aren't responding accordingly. She also is going off your other posts on the perspective she is coming from.

 

@adrial @wcsdancer2010

[WCSDancer2010]

OK folks.... time to put the brakes on here:

 

@Shanshine and @Bambina

 

We are a NO JUDGEMENT ZONE here... which means that we always approach with kindness and from a place of wanting to SUPPORT. I get what you are both saying, but there are more helpful ways to support. The simplest way to know if you are bringing "judgement" in is if you are saying or implying "You should" ... in this case, you are implying that @Thumper "should" change her attitude. While yes, she is certainly not having a great day here, we ALL have those days and THAT'S OK .... this HAS TO BE a safe place for people to come an rant. AND... we can help those who are in that space a lot more by approaching from a place of love and compassion. (You get a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar :) ) I hope you can see what I'm saying here.... but we are VERY clear on the tone we want to keep here.... it's what makes us different from other boards. If you feel that you are being "reacted" and that you are going to say anything but supportive comments, it's a good time to walk away from the computer and let someone else reply (and believe me, I do that ALL the time... I come back when I'm in a better headspace or I PM someone I know can deal with it better than I can at the moment!) Thanks and (((HUGS)))

 

@Thumper

 

Take a DEEP BREATH friend. Folks were trying to help. And having been on boards like these for a long time, I can tell you that people generally are doing well if they actually GET 50% of most posts - at least, any post that is longer than a simple question or that has any amount of personal detail. So please don't take it personally when someone doesn't say what you wanted or needed to hear. At least they took the time to *try* to support you..... you have the choice to either consider the suggestions or not.

 

Now, as for having a "sick vagina" and believing that you can't have sex. Honey, I've had Herpes for most of my life. I've had HSV1 oral since age 4. HSV2 genital since 17 (first sexual experience....go me!). Neither my mouth nor my vagina are "sick". Excuse my bluntness, but both have been on the receiving end of a penis plenty of times with HSV- men who KNEW my status.

 

As for your man-friend. First - he's talking from a rational POV. Odds are many people who later date and marry or have LTR's with HSV+ folks would have said that if you handed them the info sheets. So you can't take that as anything to go on as far as your ability to find a partner (with or without HSV).

 

I think we agreed elsewhere that you settled with your two husbands because you believed you didn't deserve a man who would want to have sex with you. It sounds like you are allowing yourself to go back to that space, and honey, I can tell you, it's just plain not true. HOWEVER, if you enter relationships believing you have "a diseased vagina", you are likely going to pick men who will be abusive or not good for you in some way. You have a beautiful, sexy vagina that happens to have a nuisance virus that comes to visit at times. That's all.

 

Let me tell you a story - I dated a guy for a couple years who had Erectile Dysfunction who was in his 40's. He'd had it for much of his life. When we met, he would spend a lot of his time bemoaning how why would a woman want him. He would go on also about how his penis wasn't "big". His self esteem was so low when it came to his sexuality. A few women had been callus to him when he "disclosed" his ED and walked away. Those women missed out on a man who was a SUPERB lover... excellent at oral. A great listener when I told him what *I* needed. Willing to try things. And with a little blue pill, (which he would take but it gave him a horrendous headache after sometimes so we didn't use it all the time), he had a very reasonable sized member. But he would allow his head to tell him he wasn't going to find love because of what *he* saw as a deal breaker and a "fault" that women would walk away from. When the fact was, he usually was just picking the wrong women, or taking their reaction personally. The women who reacted negatively - they were just bitches... and he got lucky and dodged a bullet with them. I eventually broke it off because I realized I wanted different things in the longer term than he did. But believe me, there are days I wish I had him around....LOL.

 

See, Herpes isn't the only thing that causes disclosure anxiety! ED is one of MANY things that can cause this. It's one of many things that can cause people to believe that they are not lovable, and will *never* find love. And it's all in your head.

 

And BTW, he TOTALLY freaked out when I told him I had Herpes... I mean, full on, "Oh Shit I've got an STD" freak out. We had had sex once, with a condom. It was before I knew about asymptomatic shedding. He contacted his Dr and went on the internet and I learned from HIM about the shedding thing (which set *me* back a bit as I was told before that that I was ok if I wasn't having an OB so didn't have to disclose till later... it was about 10 yrs ago so info wasn't what it is now). Once he talked to his Dr, and thought about it, he decided he liked me enough to take the "risk" as long as I was on the anti-viral... which I was ok with.

 

I also have had 1 other LTR with a H- man and he didn't want me on the meds and we never used condoms in our 3 yrs together and we had PLENTY of very vigorous sex! I've dated a few other H- men and again, we figured out what they were comfortable with (Me on meds, them using condoms, or both).

 

My point is that if the man is into YOU enough, he'll figure out a way to get INTO you...LOL.... but if you are approaching men with the attitude that you have a "diseased vagina", or that you are not deserving of love, well, odds are you will attract men who will take advantage of you, who will be abusive, or who are just not good for YOU.

 

What I have noticed is that people who already have self-esteem issues really struggle with a H+ diagnosis because now they have *proof* that they are not lovable. It gives them a scapegoat for their beliefs. When the fact of the matter is, they have no self love. Something or someone somewhere has "taught" them that they don't deserve love.

 

Please don't leave. If you need to PM me for awhile, then I'm here to help.

 

 

[Thumper]

I don't kno how to tag people in my responses. Again.... Thnx for all the input from everyone. Shanshine: I Hav many other posts somewhere else here that I've talked bout my history. I dated 2 men from the positive singles website. They were only interested in sex. The one could Hav cared less if I had an orgazm or not . After this I started thinking different about men. Do we Hav the same interests and goals? Does he take care of himself physically like I do etc.... I am seeing a therapist, a psychologist who specializes in cognitive therapy. I will repeat myself since I have more free time than I know what to do with Shanshine. I was married to 2 men that would not have intrcourese or go down on me because the trade off for them was that I would take care of them monitarily. I did not have sex for 13 years while I was with them. I felt lucky that I even had s man.

[Thumper]

2Legit2quit yes my posts r harried because I'm doing them on. Break or lunch from work on an I phone thank u for your support !

[Thumper]

Bambina3: I'm an angry train wreck yes. I did make one last ditch effort on. Site for one month where I described exactly what I'm looking for and that I Hav herpes, am looking for s husband , hopefully Jewish, and someone who is as fit and active as I being age appropriate . The men that have responded to me are just like my 2 exes. Fat and old. It's like they disregarded everything I said... It was actually humorous:) . Ok so process of elimination tells me. See my therapist, work my 55 hr weeks. Dive into all my interests that I Hav time for and allow G-d, Hashem to bring someone to me. Let go and let G-d right? G-d made men & women to be together. Mabey I'm not supposed to be with anyone who knows. All I kno is that what I'm doing is not working, and I will not settle for a fat broke slob who has no libido, period. I bought a bicycle , rode 40 miles yesturday . Pretty good for s beginner eh? I know u were trying to help. Yes very true about being. Stigma. That's why wen I'm getting that it is an opportunity crammed down my throat I think it's bullshit!! It's designed to make us feel better. The truth of the matter is that there is no book of rules in any area of life. Each situation is individual. I think disclosing to someone where there is. Mutual physical attraction is necessary so u don't hook someone in emotionally and then drop a bomb on them . It isn't fair! Sometimes the truth hurts and if it's meant to be it's meant to be damn it! That beautiful fit leader teacher man that couldn't handle the sickness... Well... I guess it wasn't meant to be. If I was 30 yes old I wouldn't Rory about finding a partner so much . But at 54 I'm running out of time. And age appropriate gorgeous responsible men are one in a thousand at my age.

[Thumper]

I will respond to the others later today. I had to work. Few hrs. I need to walk the dog and get to the gym

[WCSDancer2010]

That's why wen I'm getting that it is an opportunity crammed down my throat I think it's bullshit!! It's designed to make us feel better. The truth of the matter is that there is no book of rules in any area of life. Each situation is individual. I think disclosing to someone where there is. Mutual physical attraction is necessary so u don't hook someone in emotionally and then drop a bomb on them . It isn't fair! Sometimes the truth hurts and if it's meant to be it's meant to be damn it! That beautiful fit leader teacher man that couldn't handle the sickness... Well... I guess it wasn't meant to be. If I was 30 yes old I wouldn't Rory about finding a partner so much . But at 54 I'm running out of time. And age appropriate gorgeous responsible men are one in a thousand at my age.

 

I know you are angry, and that's ok.... AND ... while I know you can't see it now, Herpes, just like ANY major life challenge IS an Opportunity. It's an opportunity to stop and reflect and look inward. It's an opportunity to see who matters to you. It's an opportunity to learn how to be vulnerable. It's an opportunity to learn how to manage rejection. It's an opportunity to let go and let God....

 

I've learned sooo much about myself through my life challenges. Herpes actually hasn't been the hardest thing I've dealt with, likely because I have had it since I was 17 so I kinda had to learn to LIVE with it, or life woulda really sucked if I let H run my life and my thoughts. Not to say I haven't had my moments. But I've had a few other challenges that pushed me to work on me.... and while they didn't seem like an "opportunity" then, I look back and see how much stronger I am now and as much as it sucked then, I am kinda glad that I had to go through that to grow and become who I am now....

 

And honey - I'm 54 as well. I TOTALLY get where you are at as far as feeling that time is kinda running out. AND, I absolutely won't settle any more. I've settled too many times. I've worked on being alone and I actually have learned to LOVE ME! And it's a beautiful thing. Right now I have my father moving in with me anyway so likely my love/sex life will be on hold for awhile.... but you never know. Maybe some guy will see me and see what a great catch I am, because he will see my dedication to those I love. I don't know what the future will bring. All I DO know is that it won't be a "fat lazy slob", or someone who doesn't CHERISH me. I know I deserve that and dammit, I WILL get it... and if I have to wait a few more years to find "the one", then so be it.... better that than being unhappy with some jerk or slob or someone who doesn't appreciate me.

 

One other thing. You say something about not "hooking someone emotionally then dropping the bomb on them". Well, there are many, MANY things that people don't tell prospective love interests until the person has shown that they have EARNED the right to that piece of info. Perhaps this link will help you to see that. Like I said above, I dated a guy with ED and his anger and upset around that was almost as strong as yours is about Herpes. And I loved him anyway. And someone WILL love you.... but it will be a lot easier for them to love you if you love yourself first :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

http://www.match.com/magazine/article/4010/I-Have-a-Secret-How-to-Reveal-It-To-Your-Date/