So what exactly makes it a successful disclosure?

[MMissouri]

It's been awhile since I've been on the forum and a lot has happened in that time. I'm in the process of getting divorced, getting in shape, going back to college, and learning about the joys/trials of single parenting. Honestly, all of those problems outside of H (Yes, one day H takes the back burner) had me preoccupied. So, dating fears were mostly starting over at my age and showing someone new my body- yikes! After almost 20 years with the same person, and having three kids-that's frightening!

 

And if I'm honest, I guess H was hidden in there somewhere. I've been fortunate in the fact that I stayed in the relationship I was in when I was diagnosed. I didn't have to deal with dating after H.

 

So, moving forward. I friend that has been around for a few years now has taken the flirting to a new level. We have hooked up a few times and there was a lot of kissing and a little bit of touching but nothing farther than that. I thought that the possibility of sex was imminent so..I disclosed, over a text message.

 

Probably not the best of ways to do it, but I did it. I have to admit the fear was there.. i typed a message, deleted, typed, edited, and had my thumb hovering over that send button for ages before just closing my eyes and hitting it.

 

But the relief was immediate. I didn't have to worry about what if anymore. I didn't have to worry about the backlash of having sex beforehand. I knew that if the roles were reversed, I would want him to do the same for me. I know this person is "clean" (I know that's bad wording). And now he knows I'm not.

 

I won't lie, I was scared of the reply. I put the phone down and made myself walk away for awhile before even seeing if I had one. And I did. I wish I could say it was "successful" and that we are going to carry on as we did before. We did discuss it farther. He did not make me feel dirty or disgusting. I don't know where our relationship will go from here. But I'm okay with that. I really am. A little sad maybe, but I feel good too.

 

So what makes it successful? I think just taking that leap of faith should be considered a success. Because even if the reaction is not what you wanted, you know you did the right thing. And honestly, that should count for something.

[hippyherpy]

When you get down to it, success is disclosing, and what happens after that has nothing to do with the disclosure.

 

 

 

A disclosure fail would be not disclosing.

 

 

I say successful disclosure when I'm talking about casual sex to say that the disclosure happened and sex happened as well.

 

Actually changing someone's stigmatized opinion of herpes is a big success in my opinion.

 

it's pretty simple. You either disclosure or you fail to disclose.

[whitedaisies]

I am in the same situation as you. Separating, 3 kids, starting to date etc.

 

It's scary so many changes. I really commend you for taking the leap of faith. I did disclose over txt once as well.

 

I wish you wonderful success and happiness in your new life.

 

You had a wonderful disclosure. Kept your composure!!

 

Xo

[MMissouri]

Hippy- Most of the "successful" disclosures seem to be those that get sex (a bonus really) or those that carry on the relationships like they hoped. Since when is getting something in return for doing the right thing the only thing that makes it successful? I just wanted to clarify that for those that don't "win" so to speak. Because they do. They win in the pride, honesty, and self respect categories. It might not work out the way I wanted, but I'm going to hold on to it as a success for those very reasons I mentioned.

 

Whitedaisies-I wish you the best of luck! Starting over is never easy. I hope for much success and happiness for you also. You know what? We got this. Because I really think that no one can take that away but ourselves. So someone says no. I've been told no before. It didn't break me then and it won't break me now. One day, we will get our yes, and it will be much sweeter for the wait.

 

 

[whitedaisies]

Excellent mindset!!!

 

I am hoping too thay all the struggle yields some great rewards in the future.

 

Hugs

[MMissouri]

Hugs back at you :)

[WCSDancer2010]

A "Successful" disclosure can be one where the person ran for the hills - because IMO if they are that spooky, they either weren't that into you, or they are too easily spooked and if it wasn't H, it would be something else ...

 

These 2 discussions show exactly what I'm talking about :)

 

And glad you are taking his reaction so well @MMissouri ... his reaction isn't about you, nor is it really about H ... it's about his fears and his boundaries/deal breakers. He could well have been ok with H, then found out you have something else (money issues, kids, other illness, etc) that he's just not willing to deal with. @2legit2quit was left standing after disclosing her issues with an Autoimmune disorder :p

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

[MMissouri]

I know his reaction isn't about me. We've been friends for quite a while now so I do know his sexual history (Very few partners, never casual sex). We've discussed sharing actual printed STD test results. His has nothing of course, and I put off sharing mine with the excuse that I had to get tested again since I haven't been in years. (Yeah, I have a smidgen of guilt at the procrastination but I'm human darn it lol)

 

He is genuinely a good person. I knew this was going to be a deal breaker for him. And i get that. If you are that responsible with your sex life, it's understandable.

 

This disclosure was yesterday. We discussed it for a few minutes and then he went silent. Now I'm waiting to see what happens next. I know it won't be the same as it was before, and that makes me sad. Angry? No.

 

But anyway.. I wanted share it as a success because I've never had to tell anyone. And that was a huge step for me. I found myself wanting to lay the blame elsewhere, lie about how long I've known, or even (I'm ashamed to say this) act as if I was just finding out. It really is hard to be honest and vulnerable without trying to make it "better" somehow. But I did it.

 

It's not always about what you get in return, but that you did the right thing. (I'm not judging those that don't disclose, I just hope this will help anyone that's struggling.)