Funny story...

[janedoe]

I called an Uber to today to get back to my home. As usual we started to chat about weather and the new places I should visit. I like chatting with Uber drivers cause they have this insider knowledge about the city and they always give me great recommendations to awesome restaurants. Anyway, he recommended a seafood place and I told him that I'll visit there. Then he started to flirt with me :) he was good looking but old and so not my type. I tought to myself I should find a polite way to let him down. The topic of the conversation changed, he asked me whether or not I liked living in my state and US (I am European). I told him I like it alot, that I can talk about anything and the people are nice here. He said he thinks people in MA are kind of rude and I should visit other parts of the country etc and continued to flirt with me. Then he asked me what have I been up to recently. At that point I decided to disclose to him. I figured what is the worst that can happen.

 

Me: Yeah, I have been going out and visiting places but recent I had diagnosed with genital herpes. It sucks.

 

His face froze. He didn't know what to say. I think it is partly because I shared sth so personal and also, talking about stis isn't something that you do normally. So, there was this awkward silence, then I started to laugh. Not a crazy laugh but a happy one. He mumbled and said "Isn't this bad?" I told him that I am taking antivirals and feeling better and while this is a bad thing, it is not that big of a deal; that you have sex and stis can happen. I told these with a normal voice, as if we are having a normal conversation about weather.

He responded with " yeah, it is a bummer but like you said it is not so big of a deal, it is just an inconvenience. That is why I love Europeans, you are so open about everything. Nobody around here will admit that they have herpes." I said " why not? It is part of being human. It shouldn't be some big, dark secret." Then he gave me his card to call him and we changed the subject. I think he took this well because when I disclosed I was relaxed, not guilty or ashamed, I talked about it like how I usually talk about weather, with a normal voice.

 

What he said made me realize that, keeping herpes like a secret is making me sick. I am not ashamed that I had sex and I am not ashamed that I have herpes. Shit happens. Funny thing is I am not that European. While I am so open minded about everything, my country is close to Middle East and having sex is a taboo. I was expected to save my virginity to my husband. Young people in my country have sex but we don't talk about it openly. I didn't have a sex education, I had to research it. While in the US, people can talk about anything including sex but for some reason talking about sti's isn't normal. It just baffles me. And I refuse to feel guilty or dirty or ashamed for having herpes. I need to talk about this. So, I think I am gonna disclose to everyone I'll meet here :)

[optimist]

@janedoe Love it! Thank you for sharing.

[Bambina3]

Yayyyyy you go ;)

[WCSDancer2010]

I am GRINNING from ear to ear here!!! You go Chica!

 

 

You hit the nail on the head.... if people discussed herpes like we do sex, it wouldn't have the stigma that it has. Sure, a smaller number of people would still hold onto their

Holier-than-thou attitude, but fuck them ... (or rather, don't... there's too many other great people out there to fuck...lol). But the shame and blame and self-loathing would evaporate or at least it would lessen to a much more managable level.

 

I'm 100% out... I came out in a blaze of glory on FB one day when I had read one too many posts form someone who was suicidal on here and I just couldn't stand the ignorance surrounding H any more.... and you know what? NOT ONE person was ugly. Many said I was "brave". Many thanked me for the info I included in my "coming out" post. Several have sent their friends to me who were recently diagnosed and freaking out. The only person who was uncomfortable with it all was my then 24 yr old daughter (My then 28 yr old daughter was mildly uncomfortable but accepted it a lot faster)... and while I wish I had let them know what I was doing first, it wouldn't have stopped me from doing what I did.

 

So congratulations on coming out of your "closet" ... AND ... make sure to take care of yourself. Be ready for the few who are ugly people to show their colors. Remember that their reactions are a direct reflection on THEM and not on you. If you take a hit and it throws you off, pull back and regroup. Work on finding your center again. Don't let them get to you.... we can only reach so many, and if we can educate the 95% who are open and willing to hear the truth, and be informed, that 5% won't matter.

 

(((HUGS))

 

Ash Beckhams Closet Ted Talk

 

[WCSDancer2010]

If you put shame in a petri dish it needs 3 things to grow exponentially - secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame into a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive.

 

[Katidid]

Yep...disclosing matter of factly worked for me twice. The second time ended up being my present husband of 20 yrs who is H- (he was just tested). He was ready to jump in the sack the second date. I asked if he had a condom. He said no......I said "well, that's not very smart this day and time with all the STD's and then I just sprung it on him. He ran out and got condoms and said he'd be the last person I ever had to tell. It has never been a big deal to him therefore, it's not a big deal to me.

[hadvocate]

@Katidid, I like your story, i really like how you lead into the disclosure. And i am happy it worked out for you both times, most successfully the second/ last :) I am curious if you would have told him if he said he did have a condom? Or would you not have? I also am curious if you and your husband use condoms every time you have sex now a days?

[Katidid]

Yes, I had planned on telling him either way. I had info print outs all ready on hand

For him to read. Of course, the info wasn't nearly as positive as today. He never even read it. He just listened to what I knew about it. We always use condoms except during oral sex.....that's always been his choice. I am on anti virals now. Just been on them 8 weeks. I wanted to bring my 5 or 6 ob's per year to zero. So all we use are condoms. I have just finally gotten tested myself to find out which type I have......likely hvs 2. I'm just curious now.

[Katidid]

@hadvocate the first disclosure was a little different. It was a guy I worked with. We were in the heat of the moment. I told him and he said "educate me." So, we stopped, I gave him all the info I had (22 yrs ago) which wasn't nearly as positive as today. We ended our date a few hrs later on a very good note and he wanted to think about it. He came back a few days later and wanted to give it a go. We dated a few weeks and he found out his previous girlfriend was pregnant so he ended up moving out of state to be close to the baby. We are still in contact today on fb and he is h-

[hadvocate]

oh cool

[janedoe]

I had another disclosure. To a guy that I had casually dated a year ago. He was supportive but considering his lifestyle and age, he was suprisingly uneducated about the subject. He told me "I am in panic now. If it happened to you, it can happen to me." Duh. It can happen to anybody.

 

I noticed that when you say the word herpes people expect a story of you being constantly contagious and in agony. When you tell them how the virus transmits, percentages and generally herpes being not big of a deal they relax considerably. I am one step closer to coming out of the herpes closet.

[WCSDancer2010]

Yaasssss!

 

I kinda find it almost funny when people react like this guy did. Ignorance really IS bliss for so many.... give them the truth and they are gobsmacked that they might outta get tested and be a bit more careful.... all this after all the years of AIDS education telling us to use condoms and get tested and discuss STD's with partners.....

 

**SIGH**