Dreading This Again, Part 15

[Panda5000]

I've been emotionally involved with a coworker for about 8 months. He ended his long term relationship about 3 months ago and we've been spending more and more time together. We talk all the time & looking in from the outside, you'd say we're dating. We don't have a title. I know I'm going to have to disclose soon (we've fooled around a few times -- handjobs, etc) and have come close to sex (I've always pushed him away before it's happened). But I'm terrified he'll see me differently. I was diagnosed 11 years ago with HSV2 after my high school boyfriend cheated on me unknowingly. This new guy is amazing and I know he sees me for the person I am... But I'm still terrified. Any advice?

[MMissouri]

I read these posts and get terrified right along with the poster. LOL. It's scary to have something going and not know if one sentence will end it all. Anyway, my advice would be to say it just like you did here. "My boyfriend in highschool cheated on me and give me HSV2".

 

Simple, direct, to the point. All you can do is hope that he continues to see you for the person you are and if he doesn't, that's not on you.

 

Best of luck.

[SunDevourer]

Mmmm, not to play devils advocate( which I'm certainly known for among friends)

 

If you had this for 11 years and it has been 3 months dealing with this guy. I too would be nervous because that's sounds like 11 years of not accepting myself.but you want him to accept you so easily.thats 11 years of growth that could have happened.

Now he may be fine with it, which is a big dose of fresh air, but does that change if you end up being in a relationship? Change as in how you see yourself. Maybe.

 

My advice. Just tell him. Don't mention the details of how you got it, unless he wants to know. This is only a little part of you. It's not who you are. You are not herpes. I think telling him you got it from an ex who cheated is just a safe guard that plays into the stigma of it. Meaning oh in you're case it's fine and people should have empathy in some way that makes it ok. As for the rest they are slut shamed. That's my advice.

 

If he knows you are a good person and you've shown him that you are. You should embody that light of self love and acceptance. Shine so bright you'll blind him and he won't see you as a girl with herpes, but a beautiful being. You will have to make yourself vulnerable.

[Bambina3]

Disclosure is promoted onsite, I am controversial with it....

 

I have no advice other than to follow your gut....when you're ready to disclose you will, and your way, will be the right way xxx

[shinebrighter]

Hey @Panda5000 - I know it's scary. You'll do great. I agree with the person who said not to mention how you think you got it in the first place-- completely adds to the stigma of it, which is what I think we want to work against. The truth is that most people don't know exactly how they got it (unless you and your ex boyfriend were virgins when you got together, and then you got herpes during the relationship). I understand how saying how you think you got it could soften the difficulty of telling someone, but it's also indirectly saying "STDs are a result of cheating or being irresponsible- they're bad- and this bad thing happened to me." STIs and STDs are a risk inherent in sex.

I'm going to post a disclosure email that I sent a few months ago, in case it can be useful to you and others. Good luck. Let me know if you want to practice!

ALSO-- if you tell him this one thing about you (herpes), and he rejects you.... then he's told you everything you need to know about him. : )