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Stupidly had unprotected sex without disclosing first

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I have had herpes for about 4 years. I recently had sex for the first time with someone who I have known for a while. I did not tell him that I have herpes before we had sex. I was just in the mood and couldn't. (even though when I got it I was very upset and wondering how someone could not disclose) I am freaking out and really hoping I did and do not give it to him. I am afraid if I tell him he will be upset then again I am afraid if don't he will be mad. UGH!! Any suggestions are welcome. thanks :-(

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I feel like there are so many factors that play into these situations! Like, are you on antivirals? If you are then the chances are SO high that he didnt get it. Even if you arent on the pills the chances are still high. Do you want to sleep with him again? If you do, then I think you should tell him. If you dont think you see a serious relationship in your future and its just going to be a one night stand kind of deal I wouldnt tell him.. I would try and make sure that you disclose in the future because its clear you dont feel good about this one time. But no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, there is no need to make yourself feel guilty for not telling one person. And remember that HE was okay with having unprotected sex with you.

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Exactly how I see it too. I would just let it go and not sleep with him again. If it turns out you are more serious, then you will have to disclose. The chances that you gave it to him are slim. I would suggest at the very least....always use condoms and anti viral if you can't bring yourself to disclose

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree with Katidid and hadvocate. I too have been in that situation and it literally made me feel so awful and uncomfortable. I don't see anything serious coming from it though and all it really confirmed is in the future I *Have* to disclose. It also revealed that I want to wait to be in a relationship before I am intimate again because I feel like an emotional connection (at least to some degree) makes disclosing easier. Don't get me wrong, it is NEVER easy per say, but knowing that someone genuinely cares for you as a person and that even if their response is less than ideal, they respect you as a human being, is helpful. Don't beat yourself up, and at the very least, protect yourself and him if you do it again.

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and yes, HE was OKAY having unprotected sex with you. That also means that he was taking any risk into account and accepted it. Not the perfect situation, but nothing is. Like everyone else said, nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes :)

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@S123 I have only disclosed twice...both successful....married 21 yrs to the last one who is H-. I do, however, strongly feel the "other" person has responsibility to inquire and or suggest condoms as they are knowingly taking taking a risk otherwise. Condoms are very, very helpful just on their own if used properly....it's kept my husband negative. I only just started anti virals last March to take my 5 ob's per yr to zero......it's working. No ob's at all. Those of us who know we have it are close to zero risk as long as we take precaution.


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Well, I understand what @Bambina3 means about being on the fence. I recently had unprotected sex with someone who does that with a lot of women and got scared and got tested for everything. He said he was getting tested too. So I waited to share the results until he contacted me... He did NOT get tested and is upset with me that I didn't tell him I was positive right away. I wonder, how many of the other girls he had sex with went and got themselves tested? And most things like HPV that can cause cancer don't have any signs. That is just irresponsible, people have to take responsibility for their own sexual health and not always expect other people to look after them.

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Once the deed is done, and if you aren't going to see them again, I don't see the point in bringing it up. You really don't know if they got it from you, even if they have an outbreak, and the majority of people who have it don't get outbreaks. Disclosure is something to consider for moving forward more than it is for past slip ups. Don't dwell on it, and move on.



There's no guarantee that you pass it to them so why fix something that isn't yet broken.


That said, in the future, know that disclosure is not as bad or tough as stigma will have you believe, and it's also the right thing to do. Nearly all of my disclosures have been greenlight situations, so that busts the myth on herpes killing people's sex lives. I've had over thirty successful disclosures in the last twelve months. There were maybe five or seven rejections this last year, and the majority of those were via text if I can remember correctly. There are other reasons that people reject for more often that have nothing to with herpes, but a big deal is not made out of them. People except that stuff as a normal part of dating and sex.

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I agree with you @hippyherpy, why disturb someone that you are never going to see again. And, most reasonable people are fine with taking the miniscule risk using a condom. As I've mentioned in another discussion, there are several things you can control to reduce the risk as low as possible for other people so that it really does become no big deal.

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Sorry, I really don't want to hijack this thread


@happyherpy I also thought I got it from affair, but after at least 3 medical opinions on my chart all doctors believe I contracted h when I was 18, when I entered into the er with perianal ulcers.

Never had a noticeable outbreak until decades later, when I got my official diagnosis. So how many men have i unknownly infected?


I'm almost sure hubs has it,I think he was misdiagnosed now that I reflect on the breakout.

For several reasons I do not want to disclose now.


As for affairs, I'm not going back to them now that I know, so I didn't disclose.

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