Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

I can't help but feel offended, bitter, and angry towards my friends sometimes

Recommended Posts

When I first got diagnosed back in August 2015, I felt like I needed to share my story with as many friends as possible. I believed it was my duty to educate and warn them about it. Also, part of me was hoping someone would step forward and confess that they too had hsv2 (that still hasn't happened and I've told close to 20 people). About 5 do have hsv1, but I can tell they see hsv2 as far worse than getting cold sores.


I had hoped that by sharing my painful story they would be more careful, but i've found that it didn't make a difference and to me it's a slap in the face. My most irresponsible friends continue to be irresponsible, one of them has multiple partners and never uses condoms. All she says tells me is "I know you're gonna be mad at me". My roommate recently started dating someone and also doesn't use condoms. She thinks just because she's always been in serious relationships that they are all "clean". I don't know how much more I can emphasize to them that it doesn't matter if you come out negative in a std check up, you could still have herpes!!! It just really frustrates me and brings me down. Out of most of my friends I was always the most responsible one, I was even celibate for 5 years!!! Sometimes I wish I could tell them that they most likely already have it lol but that would be childish of me. >.<


Sometimes I wonder if they just feel bad for me and think that it will never happen to them. But because it DID happen to ME (the good girl), I think it should be more of a reason for them to be careful. Because it can really happen to anyone. I just happen to be one of the unlucky ones.



Link to comment

Holy. Shit. Your story could be mine, exactly. I even got herpes in July 2015, so just before you. I wish I would've been able to tell you! I was always the good girl of the group. I had had sex with four men prior to getting herpes – and the person that I hooked up with was the best friend of one of my best friends. It was the first time that I had ever been unsafe with anyone, and my first one night stand. Also, I lost my virginity 4 years before, at the ripe old age of 25


I never did anything wrong. Didnt drink til I was 21. I never lied to parents growing up. I never cheated. And yet I still, out of everyone, got this.


Oh, I also got hpv - high risk - around the same time. Never got the shots because I didn't have alex in college when they promoted it.


I did the same thing, and still do, as you. I try to tell people that it's not about whether they know that they're clean, they don't *know* that they're clean. No one tests for it, and my giver didn't even know that he had it because he didn't have typical symptoms. I try to use it like an education after two today, and I think people appreciate it, but it just doesn't hit home until it happens to you. I have a best friend is still sleeps around with guys with condoms, without condoms, and when pressed she says "I knoooooow."


The truth is, we want our downfall to mean something. We want our mistakes to protect other people from their mistakes. We want this to not be a random, shitty thing that happened to relatively decent people. But, the truth is it's just a random, shitty thing that happened to good people.


And, I think the truth is is that we're both a little bit jealous of those people that continue to make the same mistake that we made one time and never feel the punishment for it. That's what I felt like herpes was, a punishment. I have been good all of those years, and the first thing I did anything bad it was suddenly a punishment.


But, the very truth is is that these girls won't get herpes. It's not going to come down on them like it did for us, and that makes us a little bit angry and bitter. And that's okay to feel, just a little bit. Because it's not fair. It's not karma. We're proof of that, and so are they.



Link to comment

IMHO, I think there are as many explanations for this as there are people. Some of my theories are....



We've all been there. It's hard to believe bad things happen when you're young and invincible. The world is your oyster and the future is bright. Bad things happen to "other" people.


~Relative Risk~

I've been (tandem) skydiving several times. I love it and would do it again in a heartbeat. Just as I view the risk of skydiving as minimal and not worth losing sleep over, there are others who feel the same way about herpes (or something else).


~You Only Live Once~

"We might be struck dead by lightning tomorrow, so we might as well live it up now, right?" When the health nut dies at 40 from a brain tumor and the person who smokes and lives on fast food lives to be 90....sometimes that makes us want to throw our hands up and say, "Screw it!" This is especially easy to do in the heat of the moment when you're betting things will turn out just fine.


~Head in the Sand~

We are a nation of numbers. I don't mean digits. I mean people who don't know what to do with unfamiliar, tough or scary emotions or events, so we numb ourselves with food, drugs, consumerism, the pursuit of status or power, mindless television, always staying super-busy, etc. How to handle the news that a dear friend has an incurable STD that can be acquired even when practicing safe sex? Pretend you didn't hear anything, that's what! (I'm being sarcastic, of course.)


~Just World Theory~

I remember the first time I heard this theory, best summed up as "you reap what you sow." I was taking a shame resilience class and still processing my own diagnosis. Literally every muscle in my body tensed up and I felt completely detached from what was going on around me. My amygdala (responsible for the flight/flight/freeze response) had hijacked my body. Then, after several very long minutes, I started to cry. Hearing this theory suddenly made sense of the stigma which surrounds herpes. Because when I was first diagnosed, I absolutely believed I "deserved" herpes because I had had more than one partner, and not every choice of partner was a good one.


We expect that if we wear our seat belts, we'll survive car crashes. If we go to college, we'll get a well-paying job. If we cut out the junk food, we'll lose weight. If we're good parents, our kids won't turn to drugs. This is how we make sense of the world and feel like we have some control over our lives. When in reality, we have very little control in our lives, and it scares the shit out of us. Bad things happen to good people, and suddenly WE are "those people."



Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

@NothingGoodGetsAway Wow. I wish I would have talked to you before! Thank you so much for replying. You understand me completely lol. Everything you said is true. I am little envious of my friends and bitter that they will most likely never deal with what we have gone thru, but I try to stay positive.


Have you disclosed to any romantic partners?

Link to comment

@desertlove I have! The first turned into a long term relationship, which ended due to nothing to do with herpes. Since, I've successfully disclosed to a few potentials and partners, and haven't been turned down yet. I'm sure it will come and I'll be bummed, but knowing that several guys have been willing to get down helps me keep faith that this really is not a big deal.

I actually think it (ends up) being cute watching the guys do a little math in their head. In the moment it's a little scary. So...condoms? Is the usual answer. Once, disappointed a guy asked "so no oral" and I was like no no that's actually totally fine, extremely low risk and he was like yessss. I'll be honest and say I've not disclosed to anyone that I see a future with so that helps me keep the pressure low and I'm not very scared. Again, I'm sure that day will come. But til then, it's been no big deal and even a few repeat customers

Link to comment

They probably already have herpes and know it yet. If they don't, then they are likely to get it in the future if they plan on being sexually active. If they sleep with more than three people in their lives, they will have had sex with someone who has it. You can either be a nun and not have sex, or relax about the herpes thing and go have fun and not care if you get it or not.

Link to comment

@nothinggoodgetsaway Thats great to hear that you haven't been rejected. I haven't had to disclose to a new partner. I have disclosed to an ex-lover and he's fine with it now. I recently met someone and I'm considering telling him. We've only been hanging out for the past 2 weeks and he is going back home for the summer at the end of the week. I'm most likely moving away next month...so I don't know if I should get more intimidate with him and tell him. We already made out and I gave him a hand job lol and I didn't let him touch me down there. I just don't know if its worth putting myself out there like that since this might be our last week together. I know I won't take his rejection very well, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm hiding a big dark secret.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...