Already have depression. Now have herpes. Life destroyed.

[MLIO]

I am 57 years old, look and act much younger. Have always been outgoing, sexy and vivacious. Not any more. I've never had unprotected sex outside of long term, monogamous relationships. But now I've been diagnosed with herpes 2. Since then I've been in a downward spiral of depression. I have barely left the house for days. I have ADHD and depression. I take medication for both, but managing my depression has always been a challenge. Even before my diagnosis, I noticed that my depression was worse and I was struggling. Now I find out that this apparently is a side effect of having this disease. Depression. And there isn't some special herpes anti-depressant or anyway to post what I already take. I just have to deal now with having more depression. I try to read all these positive things about how "you are not the disease" but the fact of the matter is I HAVE a disease that requires anyone who wants to be intimate with me to protect themselves from being contaminated. True intimacy will never be possible again. Not only that, I can't even tell anyone about it. If I had cancer, people would embrace and support me. And certainly no one would be afraid to touch me. Reading that one solution is to go to website for other people with this disease makes me feel like a leper visiting the leper colony dating site. And really, that's what I am. A sexual leper. If it wasn't for the fact that I have adult children who would be devastated if anything happened to me, I would not be able to go on with this. I already am struggling with suicidal thoughts. Of course, I can't tell my own children what is wrong with me. They know something isn't right, so even if they are suffering because of this. This has literally gutted and crushed me. I cannot see any way out of this depression or any way to make a life that isn't just a pathetic attempt at what used to be a life where every potential relationship has to start with beinf humiliated by revealing that I'm not only contaminated, I cannot guarantee that they won't be no matter WHAT precautions they take to protect themselves from me. I have no hope. Nothing can help. I hate having to get up every day and know that I have this thing, know that I can never even kiss someone without first telling them that I'm diseased. I feel like I've been condemned. I can't do this. I can't.

[new2this2017]

MLIO-please take a breath and just listen. You are not a leper. None of us are. I was diagnosed in April 2017. I am a 46 yr old female. Not the diagnosis I wanted but it's what life handed me. Please stop for a minute to think what you will put close friends and family through by thinking these thoughts. I too went through the same process. It will get better. I promise. You made a mistake, we all did. I was immediately in denial and very angry with the person that gave this to me. But what I have learned in these last few months is that it got my attention, slowed me down, and made me realize that I do deserve someone who will accept me for me. You are in the first phase. Please tell someone close to you if you are having suicidal thoughts. This is not your ending. You are a worthy human being and you will find love again. I believe with all my heart think this for myself and have read the inspirational stories on this website. I have been also going to therapy. This has helped me tremendously. Hang in there-it will get better. Please take care of yourself.

 

New2this2017

[MLIO]

Thank you for your kind words. Because of my children, I would never harm myself. Still, the thoughts are intrusive. I have struggled with these thoughts in the past but not for a long time. I have always been careful about partners and always had safe sex when I trusted someone. I've thought about doing online therapy, but it's hard for me to imagine how it would help. it won't change the reality of the situation. That's what i can't get past. Nothing can change it. Nothing can fix it. Nothing can make me uninfected. I hope it gets better. It's hard for me to see how right at this moment.

[Bambina3]

I am sorry to hear you go thru these struggles...I just turned 50 this year, and was diagnosed 2 years ago, they think I mos diagnosed and had it for 30 years...never the less, I too went they exactly what you are going thru....it was only recently I told my husband (we have marriage issues) and I felt freed...to go on with this emotional burden was self tormenting myself...no, I didn't tell my children, nor ever will I....some do, I just personally do not want them to know...there is a great stigma attached to it, I felt it, fell down to it...but finally started to pick myself up and realized it was rash. People with it on the lips "oh it's just a cold sore" it's no big deal...our h2 is just in a inconvenient spot. It will get better with time, I didn't think so, but I can assure you, eventually you will be free of the chains of h.

Plenty of inspirational stories onsite, please browse and read them

Hugs!!!

[new2this2017]

@MILO, are you taking any of the medications? I was immediately started on the anti-virals from day one. I will say the times when this disease is not visiting my female parts I actually go into a fairy tale thinking the diagnosis is wrong. It usually returns within a few weeks to remind me "it's still here". Here is the crazy part. I deal with depression,(15 years) anxiety and surprisingly have done well with handling this. The meds and therapy have been a life saver. I was really down at first and couldn't think of telling anyone about it. I have eventually told my mother and two close friends. I will say, they have been nothing but supportive. I feel like right now you are just processing this. Give yourself some time. I refuse to let the a-hole who gave this to me ruin my life. He owns a multi million dollar company and if you only knew how bad I want to destroy everything he has. I quickly reminded myself he had more money to do more damage to me than I did to him. And just a side note....I had always been careful with picking partners. I was the one who had condoms in the nightstand just in case a guy didn't have one. I really thought there was nothing about this guy to even think he had anything. Looking back now there were signs. It's all in the past-I have to go on and so will you. That girl that I used to be is still here, she has just changed her outlook on life and stuff in general. We are still good human beings. Nothing changed other than a silly "skin condition" and MILO that's all it is. 1 in 6 adults in this world have this. That is a lot of people walking around. Hang in there and keep reading the blogs on here. They have helped me a ton. Stay in touch and just know your not alone.

 

New2this2017

[MLIO]

Thanks for your support. I can'think of a single person in my life I would dream of telling. I have a follow up appt tomorrow where I will enquire about the meds. My symptoms involved no lesions, just some itching. Honestly unless the symptoms get worse I probably won't bother with the meds as I have no intention of ever risking a potential partner rejecting me because I'm infected. I would be devastated. I can't even handle the thought of it. So no reason to bother with meds to decrease the risk of transmission. For me, that part of my life is over.

 

[hippyherpy]

You add to the stigma by making it such a big deal. You fuel your own problem when you talk about herpes in such an exaggerated way. You yourself said you barely had any symptoms.

 

The herpes isn't your problem.

[MLIO]

That is probably true. It has definitely affected my depression. I appreciate your comment. But I can't control how someone else will react to me once they know I have it. I honestly can't imagine offering myself to someone and being rejected solely because of it. Also from what I've read there is no way for an uninfected person to protect themselves and that condoms don't fully protect (as I've discovered). So even if a partner is willing to assume the risk, I have be willing to risk passing it on to them. Given what this experience has been like, I don't see how I can ever do that willing partner or not. This has been weighing on my mind tremendously.

[ash2018]

@MLIO hi there! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it isn't an easy thing to cope with, especially at first. I was just diagnosed in June and have come a good ways in my thinking and know that will only continue to improve with time. I do still have my down times and days, but talking to people does help. If you aren't ready to talk to someone in your life yet, talk to all of us! Browse the forums and success stories, browse the veterans category. Statistics on just *how* many people carry this virus - especially when you look at totals for both strains - show that the prevalence is huge! 1 in 6 people I think it was ages 14-49 have HSV2 and numbers are even higher including HSV1 (which is on the rise genitally thanks to oral sex) and the numbers increase with increasing age groups.

 

https://herpes.org.uk This is a great resource, some of the numbers and stats are different because it's a U.K. based organization

https://infogram.com/Everything-You-Didnt-Know-About-HSV-but-wish-you-did This is also great and the graphic showing prevalence is awesome

 

Also, check out Ella Dawson. She's a blogger and, in her own words, is internet famous for having genital herpes. Her blog posts and videos are fantastic and she is who I turn to when I feel down about things.

 

You are far from alone and your life is far from over. I know it feels like it is right now, but hang in there, better days are to come!

[hippyherpy]

You are freaking out needlessly. It's just a skin condition that barely effects the majority ofbpeople who have it. You make it sound like you are worried about infecting them with the bubonic plague.

[ash2018]

Everyone has their own experience with it and copes with the diagnosis differently. Just because it doesn't impact some people much physically and mentally doesn't mean that is true for everyone. Everyone is allowed to feel whatever they are feeling, and in time that usually improves. It's not fair to discount someone's feelings because you've never experienced them as each persons experience is their own

[hippyherpy]

Yeah and it's not fair to fuck over the vast majority of people who get zero symptoms, and a large group of people who get mild symptoms, all because a tiny fraction of people get more intense symptoms. The reality and logic of herpes stigma has little to do with "feelings" and more to with profiteers at pharmaceutical companies who stoke that stigma while throwing a large group of people under the bus. That and the fact that many people in the US have this overblown image of themselves as these perfectly "pure" snowflakes.

 

Let's compare herpes with getting a cold.

 

People scream about herpes bring incurable. The truth is that getting colds is a lifelong experience as well. In that sense, "getting colds" is also incurable. And the reality is that colds actually affect people much worse than herpes over the course of a life time. The small group of herpes infected people who get symptoms usually have like one outbreak and then they don't get bothered by it for the rest of their life.

 

Yet, we don't see people getting dramatic and suing others for passing on colds.

 

The logic of herpes stigma just doesn't add up.

 

Pull the curtain back and see the wizard of oz of herpes stigma for what it really is: hype.

[ash2018]

Being upset by a diagnosis doesn't in any way "fuck over" anyone; it is that individual's feelings and theirs alone. This forum is here for support and that includes embracing those having a hard time and uplifting them, not making them feel bad about the way that they feel. That doesn't do anyone any good.

 

 

 

 

[Lollyann76]

Each and every person has a right to feel what they feel, and none of us has a right to negate their experience or berate them for having emotions like any normal human being. When someone is already battling crippling depression, and is then diagnosed with a lifelong, incurable virus, it can be a traumatic experience emotionally. Personally, I spent the first two years after contracting herpes battling not only multiple painful outbreaks every month, but also massive emotional turmoil. I, too, had battled depression for years. Your fight against the stigma doesn't give you the right to treat someone as though their own personal experience isn't valid, or their reaction to diagnosis is an overreaction.

[hippyherpy]

I'm not saying someone's feelings are invalid. But the OP even stated they didn't have a terrible out break, and being depressed and having herpes are two different issues. If anything it'a more important to seperate facts from emotional things.

 

When you make a thread saying things like it's the end of the world that you got herpes, the just not true.

[Lollyann76]

@hippyherpy Yes, depression and herpes are two different things, but when someone already has major depression, being diagnosed with herpes *can* feel like the end of the world for that person. I agree that it's not true in a logical sense. That doesn't change how the individual *feels* about it though. When someone has a reaction like this, it's okay to remind them that the emotions they're having concerning the diagnosis are not the absolute truth. Doing so with compassion is a better way of going about it though. When someone suffers from depression, being told that they're overreacting and blowing it out of proportion only serves to make them feel even worse about being unable to control the depression. I think it's great that you feel herpes is no big deal, but a large portion of people have a strong emotional reaction to learning they've contracted herpes, and they shouldn't be made to feel as though their personal feelings are "wrong". With time and sometimes therapy, most people accept the diagnosis and go on with their lives. Let's just try to be more compassionate human beings toward those who don't have a casual, accepting attitude of their own diagnosis. :)

[hippyherpy]

I'm compassionate because I think the truth will help people feel better about this sooner.

It's very easy for people to get worked up into a state of depression or anger if they base their thinking on the pervasively false stigma that most buy into when it comes to herpes.

 

I say ok, you feel bad, but why? Let's break it down and see what's really happening before you jump the gun and go getting deep into emotional turmoil about this.

 

Part of the reason why people freak out when they get herpes is because almost nobody talks about it in a frank and honest way. People are afraid to disclose, they afraid to get herpes, they are afraid to get tested even. My point is that it really isn't a big deal for like almost everybody who actually has herpes.

 

When someone posts things like "true intimacy will never be possible again", this is just not true.

 

[Jessieandjuice]

@hippyherpy For some of us, having herpes is a big deal! It's a physically painful experience! And it's frightening because it's unpredictable. I've talked to my pcp, my gyno, a nurse practitioner, and I've scoured the internet hoping to find concrete answers or explanations on what to expect and how to properly care for myself. There's no protocol! We have each other for support, but ultimately our experiences are unique. So, in a way- we're kind of battling this alone. It's scary when your own health is out of your control. Even if you relentlessly try to honor you body- there's no guarantee that you won't get another OB. And it's not so much about the stigma- I'm not denying that there is one, but I think that most people don't want to expose themselves to something physically painful that there's no escape from. Herpes hurts! And it pops up in very delicate, sensitive areas! Crap, I feel like I've failed my body when finding out I have a cavity! Teeth can be repaired! Replaced even! I don't know why your so angry with @MLIO for having a normal/healthy reaction to devastating news. Herpes sucks! Nobody wants it. And even if we talk about it, try to normalize it, and take every precaution known to man- there's no guarantee that we won't infect someone else. That might make some of us feel guilty. Can you understand that? I don't want to hurt anyone or burden them with this. It makes me sad to even think about it because I know the pain it causes both physically and mentally. This is the first time I've cried since receiving the diagnosis yesterday. Literally right now- the thought of hurting someone else is too much.

[hippyherpy]

First of all, I'm not angry with anyone and I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain. Second, my response was to the OP who stated that they weren't even having intense symptoms. Of course I realize some people are going to have very intense symptoms, and I'm not trying to belittle their experience at all and I welcome them to come on here and ask for advice etc.

 

My response has more to do with the OP's interpretation of the situation and declarations about "life being over" etc. I know it can seem like a shock when you first get diagnosed with herpes, especially if you don't know much about it. However, going around and making hyperbolic statements about it only works to feed the stigma.

 

The truth is that even most people who get really bad symptoms aren't socially doomed.

 

Hope you feel better soon. The first outbreak is usually the worst.

[It_doesnt_define_us]

I have depression anxiety and ptsd , for the first few days after finding out I was devastated then I figure I had to pick a struggle and H wasn't gonna be it . Gotta be resilient and face this skin infection with a " it ain't shit " attitude otherwise I would be in a world of shit .