Alone for life because of herpes?

[suzyq15]

Diagnosed with hsv2 2 months ago, never really "dated" before, always jumped into relationships. Obviously now I need to take things slower but it's a work in progress. Met a guy online and we had a date, he was all about me or kept saying he was and I held off on sex for a whole week and a half (sarcasm). Saw him a few times after the date. I wanted to wait longer to have sex. We were fooling around and it started getting intense and I kept telling him we needed to slow down and he kept messing with me and we ended up having sex. I freaked out afterwards bc it was too soon and I guess he freaked out bc he just had sex with someone who has herpes. Haven't heard from him. Feeling really crappy about my first sexual experience since finding out my herpes diagnosis. Just feeling a little hopeless. On top of the herpes I'm a single mom of 2 and have never been married. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and its a huge fear especially now. Any words of wisdom or encouragement?

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Suzyq15, first of all welcome to the group! And thank you so much for posting.

 

Navigating sex after herpes is not easy. We have all struggled with it, trust me. As for Mr. Freaking Out, well, first of all, he didn't respect your boundaries and your "no". For him to be freaking out is his own damn fault. Next time maybe he will think with his big head and have more respect for what his partner is telling him.

 

But back to you. Don't beat yourself up over this. You are still trying to figure out how to have a sex life with herpes and how to handle the disclosure, what to say, when to say it and then how do you handle their reaction, whatever it is. It gets much better with time and practice, trust me. Consider this just a learning opportunity. Now you know one way that doesn't work. :)

 

I get being worried about being alone forever. Been there. We all have at the beginning. It's a totally natural and normal reaction but most of us have gone on to have sex lives and relationships and a pretty normal life. Herpes is just a bump in the road that, for many of us, has actually been an opportunity for personal growth and finding out more about ourselves, what we want, what we deserve and for many of us, it has resulted in making much better choices for ourselves when it comes to who we choose as a partner. Herpes allows those of us who stampede towards a relationship with eyes shut tight and brain turned off (I can't count how many times...oh yes, I can ....um, everytime) to sloooooooow things down, get to know the person a bit, invite our brain to the relationship and then decide whether this guy even deserves the time and energy it takes for "The Talk".

 

Herpes also brings to light a lot of things we have been trying to "lalalalala" ignore in our lives. It is sort of like a spotlight on all the bits that we try to hide, ignore or pretend aren't there. With that spotlight, you can choose to shine light on those issues and do the work to heal them. I know for myself, it has been an amazing journey of healing and self-discovery.

 

Keep posting my dear and reaching out. We are all here to love and support you through this wonderful journey of yours. Reaching out to a larger community is such a brave and wonderful choice for your own self-care and I really honor you for that. I applaud you and send you a hug. You have come to the right place my dear!

 

Hugs,

 

Brenda xo

[Beckie]

Hi there! I have definitely been where you are in terms of fear and doubt about finding someone who will love me, just as I am, in the way I deserved to be loved. Herpes aside, isn't that a pretty normal human experience for many of us at some point along the path? I also spent a long time going outside of myself to feel the love that I craved, sexually and in all other ways. And for me, I always came up empty. It wasn't until I turned inward that those wounds started to fill. For me, it's been a helpful process to ask myself what I seek from a partner....and then to try to give it to myself first. Then, when the time is right and that love does show up in the form of an honouring partner, it's just icing on the cake because you're already spilling over with self-love. It's a process that's worked for me but it's taken three years (and I'm not gonna lie - for me, those years needed to be as a single person...everyone's path is different, but that's really what was necessary for me to break the cycles with men in my life). Wishing you gentle awarenesses around your next steps xoxo Much love, Beckie

[mr_hopp]

Hey! You know, I can see how it might feel like that one sexual experience might be representative of how EVERY sexual experience might end up being for you from here on out. But do you also see how that's unfair to yourself to start thinking that way? And the more you believe that all experiences will be like that, the more likely they will be (self-fulfilling prophecy). Just like how most people who are hit with herpes believe that they will ALWAYS have the same relationship to having herpes as they do when they are first hit with the news: WRONG. ;) Things change. Beliefs and thought patterns change. It's up to you to help them shift in the positive direction, in the direction that most serves you in your happiness.

 

Here's a question to pose just as a thought experiment: What if it's true that you were going to be alone for the rest of your life. (This is not to freak you out as if it's going to happen, just to really go there in your mind.) What's so bad about being alone? What are you most afraid of? What does that mean about you? When you can come to terms with the answers to these questions, you'll begin to heal those old woundings within yourself to have a whole relationship with someone else.

 

I'm in that position right now after ending a relationship about a week ago. Going through all those thoughts of "Damn, I'm alone again." And then asking myself "What's so bad about that?" I'm taking this singlehood as a time to explore myself, to get to know myself, to "date myself" before jumping right into the next relationship. That's what feels good to me right now even as I also notice the desire in me to find that next person who is going to MAKE me happy. :) I get to find happiness in the fact that I'm simply alive and it's a beautiful day. The little things end up being the big things.

[suzyq15]

You all had wonderfully helpful things to say. Thank you so much for your responses. I'm feelin much better. Herpes did change my life for the positive. I decided to be a healthier person to avoid outbreaks and have lost some weight (much needed) in the process!

[Atlantic]

Good for you Suzy! I have also been focusing on myself and my health, working out and yoga, eating really well - this not only improved me physically but also boosted my self esteem.

Several months ago, I met a wonderful man who accepted H without a moment's hesitation- we are now in a relationship with that is moving forward and overcoming even more obstacles together (geographic distance etc.). He is amazing and I may never have met him if it were not for the transformation and courage that my emotional recovery from H spurred me to undertake. And this courage is going only help me in the future.

There is no way that you will be alone for life due to H. Have faith in yourself and your awesomeness. A tiny skin condition is not going to hold you back from love!