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If its so common, why have I never been told by a guy that he has herpes?

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Statistically speaking Ive now told 8-9 guys that I have herpes, 3 were guys I had previously been with and none of them had it which I believed because they both went out and got checked as soon as I told them. Of the others that came later and no didnt have sex with almost any of them but did disclose and none of them evidently had it. They all told me they had been tested for work (which why does any work care if you have an STD??) or they were tested at the end of their last relationship. I know lots of females around my age that have it so how is it that its ao damn hard to find a dude that does? I would be thrilled if a guy I met was like I have herpes bc in 19 yrs of being sexually active...not once has any guy ever told me they had it.

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I get where u coming from but my thing is somebody can say they don’t have it all they want but unless I see a negative result under their name and the place they got the test from I assume they have it point blank period aftrr finding out I had

This thAts how I treat it because they don’t test for herpes unless u ask for it so I’m not hearing none of the B.S I don’t have it I got tested

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Few jobs require an STD test at all. Even fewer test for herpes.

Worse, most clinics and doctors won't test for herpes even if you ask for "everything".

There is a mountain of misinformation about herpes.


This is why disclosure and answering questions accurately matters. Because MOST people don't know what it is, how it is transmitted, or how to tell if they have it.

On the flip side, nobody is "definitely STD free" until you see the lab results.


Harsh reality, I know. I live it, too.

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So I told someone that had told me some sexual stories that made me think well he might be kind of open minded. His initial reaction was that wouldnt stop him and that he is open minded and would use condoms. I was like ok. I also told him very early bc I was like if this is a deal breaker then no emotions involved from me and he will leave me alone. Within 24 hrs he was asking me lots of questions, which is fine and I answered and provided him the pdf from this site and also typed the overall stats since I take meds and if we used condoms. Evidently he talked to a friend that has it and she was like condoms dont protect against it, its from knees up to torso that you can catch it from skin to skin contact. He was like could I use a dental dam if I went down on you, I said use whatever makes you feel protected. The more he talked about the risk the more I was like ugh. I said well I personally think that almost any time you have sex with someone you are opening yourself up to potentially catching it or another std. i said 85% of the people that have it dont know so dont take meds or are not cautious. I said so if you have sex with people without seeing recent test results then you are at risk. He proceeds to tell me that evey time he has sex with someone new he goes with the person or yes persons and they get tested and then show their results before engaging. I said ok well Ive never heard of someone being that cautious so I will just say that we are not going to have sex or anything. End of story. Then he get on his high horse and tells me Im part of the problem because I have not told everyone I was with previous to having it that they could have it and could have given it to me. I did tell 2 people within an hr of me getting my diagnosis and when their tests came back negative I went back further by another but then honestly I stopped. I had not talked to anyone else in a year. I thought telling 3 that quickly was enough. I also tell new people, like him. It just made me so mad because he was so rude and telling me he would be mad if I caught it from him and didnt tell him he had it. I was like if anyone should be mad its me instead of that guy that probably gave it to me. I cant be responsible for everyone. People need to be responsible for themselves too and get tested. I told him done with this conversation and don’t worry, we are not going to have sex. This was all within 24 hrs of me telling him.

This is just such a blown out of proportion problem to me.

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Wow you handled that well you said all the right things , then he has the nerve to say he make every girl get tested before having protected sex with them ? -_- no man walking this earth does that I personally know people who run out and take somebody word for it that they don’t have anything and go raw and don’t get tested till years later to make sure they good and they don’t test for herpes so he didn’t see those results

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You seem to be talking to a person who happens to be both selfish and an impulsive liar.

Selfish in that he turned your disclosure, an act of compassion and respect, into an opportunity to berate you.

Impulsive liar in that he claimed to demand that every one of his partners show him test results. However physically possible that is, it's more than likely a lie. Given the context of berating you before making that statement, the purpose seems to have been to accuse you of having been reckless with your health.

The purpose of these qualities he is demonstrating appears to be based in fear. He wants to separate himself from you to convince himself that he could not contract an STD.

A rediculous series of dehuminization and unrealistic rationalization is common to people who fear a risk or an outcome.

"That can't happen to me because I'm too smart, careful and talented.."

"It happened to you because you are not smart, careful, or talented."

These types of people feel very real fear when presented with a realistic risk, and they create an imaginary set of guidelines in their head that rule out that risk so that they can feel reassured.

They are people who believe "that can't happen to me."

They don't understand that things happen.


Even if not used in such a negative way as you experienced, it is childish behavior. Best to release that guy back into the wild and fish up a different one.


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I'll jump into this, being a guy, who 29 years ago was diagnosed with HSV. I am always interested in a female point of view. I have been dating someone that I have known for a very long time and we just approached 5 months of dating. We have not been intimate and I am in the process of disclosing to her since I feel we are to the point that intimacy is a very strong possibility as our next step in the relationship.


We have really taken our time to get to truly know one another very differently than we have know each other before. We've developed a very strong emotional connection, have both said that we love one another and have become very close.


It is time to disclose and hopefully the reaction will be a positive one. How do you feel about my timing and interested what your reaction would be prior to being diagnosed with HSV. I have disclosed to 5 others and have received a positive outcome, but she is very cautious and she was in a marriage for 18 years whereas her previous spouse was unfaithful multiple times.

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Lets see about responding to each of you...Regular guy, thanks! I thought he was being totally out of line and immature and ridiculous. I kinda felt like my post was a bit of me just mad rambling but Im sure we’ve all had our moments with this that makes you feel like that. He’s 35 and Im 40 and between our stories, it amazes me that Im the one with the std. we talked about it more today and he was asking me how I feel about having it, i said if it wasnt for peoples reactions, I literally wouldn’t give a shit bc I take medicine and never have outbreaks and never feel any different, easiest thing to deal with for something that some people act like its the end of the world. Anyone that takes time to get to know me would realize it’s nothing compared to what their life could be like with me but yes they have to ger past that 1 issue.

Jma...sounds like you’re a pro at this by now! If yall care about each other like you say, I dont see how it can go badly but people do amaze me sometimes. I usually feel like I can get a sense about people and how relaxed they might be about it...but Ive been wrong.

I believe its a lot hardee these days to find someone that you both care for each other and want to be together and I wouldnt give up on someone based on them having herpes but maybe Im just a romantic. I also know some awesome women that any guy would be lucky to have in their life that have herpes. Best of luck to you! Id say go ahead and approach the conversation.

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Agree whole heartedly with others on this guy...I'd proceed with extreme caution (if at all!) if he is interested. He's got one of the strangest reactions I've heard so far and sounds immature to me. Believe me there are plenty of people out their who would have handled this with kindness, empathy, and tactfulness.

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Im not interested in him like that anymore. I have an attraction to him but thats it. I know he is not someone that I want to be with and the only reason I still talk to him is he has some very interesting stories thats so far from things Id ever do or anyone I know would do that it just makes me talk to him because Its like watching a documentary but you can ask questions.

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Crazy cuz my ex is 39 and he told me he been with too many women than he could count never had a std before (as far as I know) but he don’t have hsv 1 or 2 because I seen his paperwork since I was accusing him and he didn’t even have it, surprisingly he doesn’t have either ,so it’s not about being safe and doing the right thing or even making someone get tested before u engage in any sexual activity with them it’s about being lucky that’s all and if that guy don’t even have it in the first place he’s just lucky like my whore of a ex is, and he’s immature for his age , I bet he didn’t even see his own hsv paperwork smh

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Ok well that guy annoyed me even more so I told him yeah I dont need you and your negativity in my life. Told him he has a irrational fear of herpes and I didnt need to be treated like some disgusting diseased person. I had jokingly said sometimes I think I should just get back together with my ex husband and stop dating and that my ex has learned his lesson. That moron from my earlier post told me well if your ex doesn’t have herpes and you tell him you do, he may not want to be with you. I just lost it on him. I was like hey you have 6 kids, Id rather have herpes than 6 kids from 3 moms and paying all that child support. To each their own. My ex husband may not love it but I wouldnt have it if he had stayed married to me and he understands what being with me in a relationship means and he wouldnt be stupid enough to lose me again over something like herpes.

This guy is just an idiot like each of you said. I dont even want someone in my life like that as an acquaintance. Good riddance.

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6 kids 3 moms????? Omg yes I rather have herpes than one kid and a man I didn’t end of being with , he probaly have herpes my goodness , unprotected sex with 3 different women that’s probaly seen different men as well 1 in 4 women has hsv so yeah he might have it too I don’t care what anybody say anymore unless I see a negative his result under their name I don’t believe their non nsense

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