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Positive singles uggggh


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So, just out of curiosity I logged into that dating site called positive singles. I was very disappointed to see the options on there. Most of the men with my diagnosis are not the type of man I would ever talk to. Is this what my future is going to be? Finding someone that has what I have and just hope for the best? I’m really upset right now. I am trying to be positive and it’s just very difficult. I hate that this has happened to me at a time where I was finally feeling ready to start dating again. ( I lost my husband 3 years ago). I had a great life before that tragedy and I finally was ready to find happiness again. Guess it’s not in the cards for me. I’m trying to count my blessings right now to stay positive. Just feeling very very sad at the moment and very discouraged. I was out with friends last night and they are always trying to get me to talk to guys that show interest. I just can’t help but think that this will not be possible. I can’t even tell my friends why I’m so afraid to date now. I’m so ashamed. It’s been a month now since I found out. Have you all gone through this?

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Hi Franny and welcome!

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Big hugs to you and your heart.

 

I had thought that I had to only date other people with herpes, but then I realized what I was doing was in essence, self-segregating myself from general society.

 

Hear this: You aren't a second class citizen just because you have herpes! Yes, if you only look at herpes dating sites, you are certainly selling yourself short and making the amount of fish in the sea super small. But you certainly don't have to.

 

Here's an article I wrote a while back on this topic that should be helpful to you:

https://herpeslife.com/do-i-have-to-join-those-herpes-dating-sites/

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I recently got on positive singles as well! I had the same reaction as you!

I am a 26yr old Female. (Just FYI)

 

I didn’t want to limit myself to only people with H, but I wanted to at least see what was out there and have conversation without the anxiety of future disclosure.

I will say, I only found maybe 4 people on there that even peaked my interest, but the anxiety free conversation & just seeing so many other people living with H like I am definitely helped!

If I went to the chat room I could see everyone’s online (women & men). May sound crazy but I would look at some of the women’s profiles on there just to see that there aren’t beautiful women just like me out there.

 

Adrial, thank you for the info! I’ll check it out also!

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Thank you Adrial. It sounds so easy- to meet someone and disclose this. I can’t see myself having that conversation. I think how I was before this. If I had met someone who told me that they had herpes I would have checked out of that real fast. My guess is that’s why it wasn’t disclosed to me by the man I was seeing. Why would someone want to put themselves at risk like that? That’s just where I am right now. Are there really people out there that don’t care? I find that hard to believe. I realize we all have baggage but this is a doozie!

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I hear you! I used to feel the same way. Which is why when I stumbled on the opportunity of this whole thing, I just had to start this website (a decade ago now).

 

Yes, it takes practice, but you can shift this. You've been practicing seeing this as a dealbreaker (and yes, unfortunately, our culture doesn't help). It's about re-training your brain to see this as an opportunity for vulnerability and connection vs. a reason for people to run away from you screaming.

 

So it's ultimately less about herpes and more about who you are choosing to be in the face of life's challenges. If you're interested in going deeper, I developed a whole curriculum around this called the Lifestyle Guides here: https://herpesopportunity.com/lifestyle-guides.html

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Thanks again Adrial. I like the idea of retraining my brain on how to look at this. I think it’s great that you have developed all of this to help others in this predicament. I never thought I’d be here- I’m sure no one on here ever did. I’m just still having a difficult time processing it all. I just want to know that I’m going to be ok one day and this won’t be something I obsess over day and night like I do now. I’ll check your links out. I’ll take any help I can get with this right now. Thanks so much for the response.

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As to Adrial's mindset of the Herpes Opportunity - Other unfortunate circumstances in my life (my best friend has stage IV pancreatic cancer) have led me to read up on Post Traumatic Growth Syndrome. I highly recommend a book called "Upside: The New Science of Post Traumatic Growth" by Jim Rendon. While I don't consider HSV2 to be as traumatic as life-threatening cancer, it has taught to to look for the good in my situation and focus on that. Some days are definitely tougher than others. Here's what I've found so far, if it helps:

 

1. I now have motivation to maintain a health, balanced diet and physically active lifestyle.

2. I've become less judgmental of others because I've felt judged and know how it feels.

3. I only seek meaningful relationships.

4. I've learned that the few close friends I've told genuinely love me.

5. I've learned to become more conscious of what is causing stress and deal with it accordingly before it snowballs. I've started wearing a mindfulness tracker that measures my breathing patterns and warns me when I'm getting tense and need a break.

6. I've learned to forgive myself.

 

 

 

 

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SPATX919 - what a great post. I love your lessons learned, what a great way to see the positive in this.

As for Positive Singles, I totally understand how you feel Franny. I've only known for 3 months and popped on there to see what my options were. It made me feel so much worse! (But, to be fair, I feel that way about most dating websites)

At this point, I've decided that if we were meant to only associate with others like us then surely we would be sent away to some island to start our own colony. Think what a big island that would be. :)

I know it's hard for me to imagine ever feeling normal again or finding someone that will accept me and be attracted to me that doesn't have this diagnosis but my research tells me otherwise. I even had one instance of crying uncontrollably with a counselor and telling her that I wished I could find one person that I could talk to that has HSV2 and has gone on to find love and a normal life and she said.....well what about me. Turns out she was diagnosed in college, she was on her second marriage and had 2 kids and neither of her husbands had it or contracted it from her! Just one of many stories I've heard.

I think for me, I need to learn to love and accept myself again first. I'm focusing on that for now.

If you feel ready, I think you should just try to date as you would without it. Spend time going out and getting to know people. You may find you are much more picky than you were before. If you find the right person, take your time. It's ok to enjoy the process of getting to know someone before you disclose. I try to remind myself that dating involves being rejected, with or without Herpes. It's not the end of the world if it happens, it just means it wasn't the right person for you at the time. Also, I think this gives us an opportunity to slow down the crazy dating game that seems to be 3 dates and then sex. I've never been comfortable with that and certainly won't be now!

Hang in there and best of luck to you!

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Thanks to all of you for your help. I am taking it all In although I still don’t want to accept that this is my new normal. I am really trying. I was out today with some friends and asked if I was dating yet. I told my friends not anymore because I had a bad experience with the one guy I did see. I so wanted to blurt out- you know, because the [email protected])[email protected] gave me herpes! I really need to come up with a good reply for this question. Well, thanks again for your suggestions, advice and recommendations. I hope to feel as accepting of this as you all are. You’re a strong bunch and I appreciate all your support. I’m sorry this happened to you all as well.

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  • 5 weeks later...

spatx919 that is absolutely beautiful and i will be sticking to these principles also. I am 21 and have just being diagnosed. looking for anything to make a positive out of this. feeling so much better already. thank you

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Hi Franny, definitely feel free to date in the "regular" dating pool! I too once or twice tried H dating sites and went through all the same feelings of disappointment that you did. And when I did date there always seemed to be the mentality/assumption by the guys that dating through PS meant an easy hook up. Myself and other friends I have who also have H all eventually made our way back to the regular dating pool and had much better quality dating experiences (of course there's crappy people on all dating sites but I'd say the experience on regular dating sites was more healthy and normal). All of my relationships including an engagement have been with herpes negative men. You may need to take some time to work on accepting your situation first...or you may want to just jump out there and test the waters by having the "talk" so that you can experience what it is like to have someone accept your situation. Either way, you are not damaged goods. With each passing year everyone is carrying more and more baggage so everyone has plenty of their own insecurities beside H!

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Love the mountains, thanks for that- you too JDH. I met a man out that I thought I had a lot in common with. He was from PS. Anyway, I really liked talking to him and after texting back and forth for a week we met up. Unfortunately, all he seemed to be interested in was being physical. It was a huge disappointment because I thought we had potential to be more than that. So, I am done with the dating sites for now. I’m just going back to focusing on myself and finding happiness in other ways. I gave it a try but definitely not my thing.

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