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Will I ever be able to have sex again with herpes?


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Just a quick question guys! I am so confused with these facts I have been hearing! I know that I cannot have sex unprotected, but if I wanted it protected, would I still pass it on? I dont want too tell anyone that I have it, does this mean I will not have sex until I can tell someone and they agree to take the risk? People I know that have herpes seem to be having sex?! I dont know how! I heard condoms kind of stop it passing, only if all areas are covered. I pretty much know I cannot have sex, even when protected.. It's so upsetting. The amount of times I have lost chances with guys and relationships over this!! I spose I just need too accept I no longer have the choice to sleep with a guy that I like :-( so I have to stay friends with them. Arghhh I wish there was a way around it!!! There must be!!!

 

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Hey EmmaLynn,

 

Unfortunately there is a lot of conflicting information out there about herpes.

 

Here are some great resources to clear it up:

http://herpeslife.com/resources/

 

Let me break it down for you:

 

- Yes, the only way to not pass on herpes is to not have sex. (Hold on, stop hyperventilating.) There's simply not going to be a 0% chance of passing this on. Why? 1. Location (where your outbreak happens might not be covered by a condom) and 2. viral shedding (about 10% of the time the virus is shedding without any visible signs or symptoms).

 

- That said, with every layer of protection you have (condoms, suppressive therapy), that lessens the chance of passing herpes on substantially.

 

- The question becomes at this point, even if it were possible to lessen the chance of passing herpes on by 99%, if you did end up passing it on in that window of 1% without them knowing, how would you feel about that?

 

And that's not meant to be a rhetorical question; I don't pose as the arbiter of what's right and wrong, or the angel of truth and integrity. ;) I know people who have herpes who don't feel the need to tell unless the person specifically brings up STDs before having sex. But I know (speaking for myself) that I would feel guilty about that. I would feel like I did the same thing that my ex did to me by not letting me know. I'm very clear that I'm going to change that tide and put integrity back in the game. But it all comes down to your own personal definition of integrity.

 

And there's the almost unasked question of what THEY have that YOU'RE putting yourself at risk for getting by not asking them. If you're not having the sex talk before having sex, then BOTH partners are each putting each other at risk.

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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(I say this with all the love and compassion in the world for you, by the way) Stop beating yourself up about this totally bullshit story that no one will ever sleep with you again. I hear that you want to go back to a way your life was before. Yes, things have changed. Who are you going to be in the face of these changes? Your choice. You may be completely surprised to find out that once you get over this being a potential life-ruiner for you, then it will cease to be a life-ruiner. Fascinating how that works. A bit of tough love: Stop it. Stop talking about this as if it's the truth. It's not fair to yourself to believe that. It'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you let it. Yes, it takes more of you to be vulnerable and disclose that you have herpes. Yes, that might be more difficult than not having herpes. But you have herpes. Done. That is the truth. Now what are you going to do about it? Be celibate? Be sexual? Your choice. But don't cut yourself off from possibility if you're wanting something you think you can't have. Stop. Breathe. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Move on. Sometimes it really can be that easy. I promise.

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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I know but i dont feel like i have a choice to be sexual. I keep putting this act on that i am fine and i dont need a partner. I can't do it anymore.. It's so so hard and I am trying to be as strong as I can. I really like someone then i have to tell them i dont want a relationship when really i am dying to be in one. I hate it! I have done so well and blocked it out for a year now! with no sex whatsoever, but its getting to the point now where i am so fed up and drained. I dont wanna be just friends with the guy i like anymore. But i cant just pick and choose who I want now :'(

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I know exactly how you feel. For the past year which was my first year with herpes I put myself in denial and had a couple casual flIngs. No sex, just a few things I still shouldn't have done. I convinced myself I can act the same as I have before and this time just not let any guy perform oral sex on me and he'll be fine and not disclose.

 

But after a while, I felt worse about myself and realized I was only protecting them not me and by me going down on him I still could catch something more! I have now been doing what you are, stopping trying to like guys and although I have no prospects right now, it will only last so long. It's hard when all your friends are in relationships and you aren't and know deep down its that much harder for you to find a good accepting guy. Every time I meet a guy I imagine myself disclosing and picture how they'd respond based on their personality and if I go oh no way then I can tell they prob are no good for me. What do you find helpful at all?

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The way I have helped myself get through the hard times is to be alone. If I am not thinking about a guy, I am not thinking about herpes. I have started to lead my own life and I don't have boyfriends or partners. It's all about me and I am quite happy. Then again when I start to like a guy, it all gets a bit rubbish! I cannot have sex with them, which means I have to hold back. No one can understand why I do not have sex or boyfriends. I stay friends with the guys and everyone seems confused by this. I do not know what else I can do.. I have kind of just dealt with it. After telling myself I do not want a guy in my life & I hate sex and do not want sex, I actually now believe it. Guys make me cringe &

I am very much reserved. This is the only way I can get over herpes.

 

Just love your life, without worrying about sex & partners. Do everything for you, not everybody needs to be with somebody.

 

My college tutor told me today that people are meant to be with other people, it brakes my heart when I hear people say things like this. As I know I cannot be, well I can but not anytime soon, or anyone I want.

 

My only choice has been to not have sex or any relationships. I have to be strong, we all do! Just be happy with you & become friends with yourself, it makes me feel a lot better to know all I need is me.

 

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  • 5 years later...
I know exactly how you feel. For the past year which was my first year with herpes I put myself in denial and had a couple casual flIngs. No sex, just a few things I still shouldn't have done. I convinced myself I can act the same as I have before and this time just not let any guy perform oral sex on me and he'll be fine and not disclose.

 

But after a while, I felt worse about myself and realized I was only protecting them not me and by me going down on him I still could catch something more! I have now been doing what you are, stopping trying to like guys and although I have no prospects right now, it will only last so long. It's hard when all your friends are in relationships and you aren't and know deep down its that much harder for you to find a good accepting guy. Every time I meet a guy I imagine myself disclosing and picture how they'd respond based on their personality and if I go oh no way then I can tell they prob are no good for me. What do you find helpful at all?

 

 

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You do know that HSV2 is not passed through oral sex, right? I saw that you said as long as you don't let him give you oral. If you have HSV2 and he doesn't, and he gives you oral, it won't be passed that way. Just thought I'd throw that in there. :)

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