Ishmael

@22&DepressedThis should read "I'm sorry THAT (not 'if') I perpetuated that here."

"Hey, I'm neither listening to what you're saying or willing to, but please answer some more of my questions even though I've completely disregarded answering any of yours." Cool. When you manage to pull yourself together, feel free to address this: "Question: Should people that haven't been tested (read: the vast majority) disclose that they likely have HSV-1? Why not? Aren't they putting their partners at risk? Sure it's slightly less a risk, but you should always disclose if you're at risk of giving your partners HSV-1 right?" If you're so worried about my opinion on rainygirl's particular circumstance, you should feel inclined to try and change my opinion in a reasonable manner.

Here is an earlier thread on this topic that you might find helpful:

Also, anyone (like me) who has HSV-2 should disclose, symptoms or no.

Rainygirl, you should definitely ignore this chart. The transmission rates in the pie charts refer to studies that are geared toward genital HSV-2 transmission. If you are symptomless for HSV-1 and gave this infographic to your partner, you'd basically be giving them a bunch of misinformation along with the couple of statistics in the block text that do refer directly to HSV-1. Genital HSV-1 and genital hsv-2 do not present, shed, or transmit in a similar fashion, and only one stat on this entire chart refers to that. This is a good resource for people with genital HSV-2, and even then people should be aware that the 10% number is gleaned from studies where the couples in question have typically been together already for years, meaning that there are likely factors that are contributing to the low rate of 10% without condoms or antivirals. Most people that catch HSV-2 from their partners do so within the first few months of the relationship. Bottom line: The rate of genital to genital hsv-1 transmission to either the genitals or orally are not reflected in this chart, and it's likely not going to your partner relevant information. You need to be very cautious about getting information from people (including me!) on internet forums. You would be better served by talking about HSV-1 with a healthcare professional.

I've made my position pretty clear. I certainly would carry on like normal if I was in Rainygirls shoes and nothing I've said here suggests otherwise. If that is UNETHICAL (lol) to you, I'm fine with that. As for her next sex partner being at risk, her next sex partner should assume that she likely has HSV-1. It's the same thing that they should assume when they sleep with anyone. If this is a disqualifier for him (or her) and they want to avoid having sex with someone who has the HSV 1 virus, then they should ask if she has it and/or ask that they both get tested beforehand. At that point, she should disclose. Question: Should people that haven't been tested (read: the vast majority) disclose that they likely have HSV-!? Why not? Aren't they putting their partners at risk? Sure it's slightly less a risk, but you should always disclose if you're at risk of giving your partners HSV-1 right? It sounds to me like you are having some trouble coming to terms with your own accountability for your HSV.

I should clarify that it's not a matter of oral or genital to me, so I shouldn't have specified genitals. If you get cold sores, you should disclose. I hear you about the stigma associated with genital herpes being BS, and I'm sorry if I perpetuated that here. If anything, genital HSV1 is harder to pass on than oral HSV1. In this case, she has no symptoms, either orally or on her genitals, which puts her on par with the 80% of the population that has it.

Sorry to hear about your situation; that sounds pretty horrific. Have you spoken to a doctor since this most recent outbreak? I wonder if it could be connected to something like an infection that is weakening your immune system that is suddenly making you vulnerable to the virus again. If so, maybe there is something that they can do about it. After reading your post, I just read about early menopause, and it says ("it" being my two second hasty google search) that one of the potential causes of early menopause is autoimmune dysfunction, which might also be a root cause of your HSV resurgence. Do you have access to medical professionals who can give you any insight or way forward with this situation?

I specifically mention a scenario above where someone should still divulge in that instance. As for a yes or no,if I thought it was that simple, I'd answer that way. If that means you think I'm equivocating, I'm fine with that.

Yeah, it sounds like you know then. It sounds like things went well either way.

Hi fives to both you and this dude.

Are you sure you were tested? A lot of people think they are tested because they ask for STI tests, but it's actually not usually included.

Also, I think anyone who has never been tested, meaning most people, should assume that they probably have HSV-1.

Not at all. I think people who get cold sores should tell their partners. I also think that if you meet someone and have sex with them, in lieu of them getting an HSV blood test immediately before you have sex, that you should assume that the person you are having sex with likely has HSV-1 and that it could be either oral or genital. I think you should also assume that they have no idea whether or not they have it. Because that's the reality. If that bothers you, then you should ask them to get tested beforehand. HSV-1 isn't merely common. A disease that affects 1% of the population could be described as "common". Asymptomatic HSV-1 is something the overwhelming majority of people have and it strikes me as a strange disqualifier when choosing sexual partners. But if it is a disqualifier for you, the onus is on you to ask and to ask for tests. As it happens, the medical community does not promote the idea of testing for HSV-1 without symptoms, in part because of the reasons I've stated.

Or even get cold sores anywhere.

Just so we're clear, I have HSV2 and always disclose and always will. I certainly don't think anyone who knows they have genital herpes should not disclose. My reply there was specifically about a scenario where you are HSV1 and have no reason to believe you have it on your genitals. HSV1, if you don't know where it is, is something the vast majority also have and don't know about, hence everyone that has sex with anyone should automatically assume that their potential partner likely has HSV1 already, because they likely do have HSV1 already. Anyone that has never been tested for HSV1, which is the vast majority of people, should also assume that they likely have it already, because they likely do. So should everyone disclose to everyone that they probably have HSV1? It must be troubling to live in a world where the vast majority engage in unethical sexual practices. In the event that they have been tested, and they want to avoid it by limiting their dating pool to the 1 in 5 people that don't have HSV1, then they can ask their partners or make a point of getting their partners get tested beforehand. Having sex with a random person and then being upset that it turns out that they have HSV1 would be completely ludicrous. Of course they probably had HSV1.

Who is advocating for non-disclosure? Certainly not me, and certainly not Adrial. That's a pretty significant accusation to make. Also, I have no problem with hearing about the darker side of herpes, or creating a forum that welcomes people who suffer from the effects of HSV to an atypical degree. When those people post at this forum, they are welcomed with open arms. The issue is not the extent to which the OP is suffering, but rather his invitation to comprehend HSV users as existing in a shared "hell" and to misrepresent what the symptoms of this disease actually are under the guise that he is being objective and scientific. He has neurological problems, sure. By his own admission, every medical professional he has talked to has told him that these problems are not caused by herpes, but he asserts that they are. Based on what? Based on the fact that he didn't have these issues back when he didn't have herpes. That's not scientific thinking. Neither is his idea that genital herpes causes neurological decay because of HSV-1's association with dementia. The idea that seeing the faults in his logic mean that I want to "water down" the effects of herpes or dismiss people that suffer from atypical effects doesn't carry water. Neither does the idea that potential partners can't make an informed choice about the risks. What his attitude does is unnecessarily amplify the damaging stigma that actually causes the most amount of suffering for the most amount of people. It's not like most people think herpes is just a skin condition. If most people thought that, then diagnosis wouldn't be so traumatic.

Frankly, I also have to question your motivation here. You are coming to a forum where people, many of whom are newly diagnosed, come to seek solace and a new understanding about the traumatic diagnosis they have received. What is it that you are offering them?

Actually, the bottom line is that the people at this website do have herpes. Having it or not having it is not an option. The idea that for a small minority of people this is an extremely physically difficult ailment doesn't make it more of a problem for the people that don't have neurological disorders as a result of their HSV infections. The fact, and it's a fact, remains that most people do not notice their HSV at all. Also, I'm not convinced that you are taking an objective or scientific approach. For instance, you suggest that HSV1 is a potential cause for dementia, which is true, but some 80% of the population have HSV1, so it's not something you can do a lot to avoid if you want to have a sex life. Most people here have genital herpes and their virus hangs out at the base of their spines. HSV2 has not been connected to dementia. Also, there is already pretty good evidence that suggests how we might use antivrials to mitigate the this risk: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/07/180712100515.htm When the authors looked at subjects who suffered severe herpes infection and who were treated aggressively with antiviral drugs, the relative risk of dementia was reduced by a factor of 10. Why do you think you ignored this fact when relaying this information to the board? I think it has to do with a desire not only to be pessimistic, but to spread that pessimism. You have also decided, despite your claim that you are rigorously scientific, to attribute all of your neurological ailments to the HSV virus, even when medical professionals have told you that there are likely alternative causes. The fact is, there could be alternative causes, but you've already made up your mind and will simply dismiss their opinions. As for it being an opportunity, it's an opportunity in so far as anything that challenges you in a negative way is an opportunity to adapt to meet that challenge. That doesn't mean anyone has to be happy they have it, it's a way of talking about how we cope with the disease. I don't see you offering anything in terms of how to cope with the disease, except giving into despair.

No it isn't normal, and having a swab test on it coming back negative suggests it might not be herpes as well. Did you get a full STI panel? Check for other infections or just herpes?

This guy is scum.

Are there any dietary changes that you've made? Can you think of anything that could be affecting your immune system? Have you cut out nuts, chocolate and coffee? What about alcohol? Have you had a blood test to check your immune system? Have you recently gone through menopause?

What you are feeling is very normal, and something almost all of us who are diagnosed go through. The vast majority of us go on to find normal lives, fall in love, have babies if we want, and so forth. The lived reality of herpes vs. the stigma is a huge, massive difference. What you are in danger of doing, however, is telling yourself that it's this guy or nothing and over estimating what you "owe" him for continuing to date you. People that are newly diagnosed can think that it's either what they have or a life in a leper colony. Make rediscovering your self-worth a part of your journey and know that if he isn't interested because of the 1% chance he'll get this disease then he's not worth the anxiety. Plenty of other (more educated, more secure) guys will be happy to take his place. Also, allow yourself an adjustment period where you come to terms with this diagnosis. Just because you're still wrought with anxiety in a few months doesn't mean you aren't going to feel better or that you aren't progressing.

You can still have sex and fall in love and have babies. All that. Like, 20% of women have this. You think they all go live under a porch or something?

Drink lots of water while on antivirals to keep them from getting clogged up in your kidneys.