Ishmael

You don't get genital HSV-2 as a child unless someone is having sex with you.

Whatever answers you get here, for the sweet love of Jesus, ask a doctor.

Also, lots of people swear that they are "clean" because they go to the doctor and get a bunch of STI tests. The truth is, however, those tests don't check for HSV or HPV. When they are told that the tests came back negative, people think they don't have herpes, but they well might.

You can have a minor outbreak that you barely notice and then 30 years later have a large one; this often happens to people as they get older. Your partner could also have it for decades without knowing. In fact, most people that have herpes don't know they have it because they have no symptoms or their symptoms are so small they don't notice them or just think it's like a rash or something. Whatever the case might be, it does not mean that your new partner cheated on you. He might have cheated, but your suddenly getting herpes outbreaks isn't proof of that.

I'm not sure you understand what I am saying. HSV-1 can be genital herpes. HSV-2 can be genital herpes. If you tested positive for HSV-1, you might have it on your genitals or on your face (oral herpes). Your test did not tell you that you had or did not have genital herpes. Blood tests can't do that. What they can tell you is what strain of HSV you have. Did your partner have HSV-1 or did your partner have HSV-2? Both can be genital.

Long story short: if you have symptoms, show them to a Dr.

Your test wasn't negative for genital herpes, it was positive for HSV-1. HSV1 can be on your genitals, in fact many people at this website have genital outbreaks of HSV-1. Something like 40% of new genital herpes cases are now HSV-1. HSV-2, on the other hand, is more often on your genitals and rarely on your face. Is your penis bump an HSV-1 outbreak? Maybe, but there are lots of other possible explanations. The lab tech told you it was no big deal because something like 80% of the population has HSV-1.

I mean, that's not the ideal moment for disclosure, but disclosure is super difficult to do and she stopped and told you what was up before things progressed too far. I think that shows some fortitude on her part that is worthy of respect. As for her doctor or whatever, he might be a GP and not an expert on STIs, and he might have some old school ideas. Like is he even a gyno? It wasn't that long ago that people thought you couldn't transmit unless you had an outbreak. So my advice would be to go, together, to a sexual health clinic and set up an appointment with a counselor or a specialist to talk to you at the same time about what you can do together and what your options are. If that person's advice contradicts her doctor, don't just assume she was lying; she could have gotten bad advice. It happens every day.

The doctor (allegedly) says that the chance of transmission to Nevadaboy won't be significantly reduced by antivirals because his partner doesn't have many outbreaks per year. That is absolutely incorrect. Although his partner will be less infectious if she has few outbreaks, his chances of transmission are still drastically reduced by antivirals. It also ignores the fact that most transmissions occur during asymptomatic shedding, not during outbreaks. I literally just posted a major study indicating that antivirals significantly reduce the amount of virus present during asymptomatic shedding and hence rates of transmission during subclinical outbreaks. As for it being an individual's choice and a choice they need to make together, of course it is. Nevadaboy should make that choice knowing that his chance of getting infected is going to be reduced by 50% or more by his partner taking antivirals. The idea that it won't has no empirical evidence supporting it whatsoever. If they choose to use antivirals or not, or condoms or not, then great. But being told that antivirals won't make a difference in this scenario is simply not true.

That doctor is so full of shit to the point that I'm having a hard time believing an actual medical professional told that to your girlfriend. Also, she told you when you started having sex? As in before the first time? If not, be careful with what this person tells you NevadaBoy, because it is not okay to start having sex with someone before disclosing that you have genital herpes outbreaks. Taking antivirals does not "mess up your immune system" and is absolutely recommended by healthcare professionals as a way to reduce transmission to your partner. There are lots and lots of studies on this. Here's one: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15319087 Here's another: https://www.medscape.org/viewarticle/472427_2 Although the use of chronic, daily antiviral therapy has been shown for nearly 2 decades to reduce the frequency of clinical reactivation of genital herpes infections, only more recently has it been shown that daily antiviral therapy also reduces the frequency of subclinical reactivations and the amount of HSV-2 that is shed, subclinically, on genital mucosal surfaces, the principal source of transmitted infections.[17,18] These effects provided the rationale for a large multicenter study that demonstrated the effectiveness of once-daily valacyclovir therapy in reducing the risk of sexual transmission of genital herpes.[19] If I were you, I would ask that you go to an expert together, as a couple, to discuss how to lessen the chances of transmission. In other words, don't take this person's word for it that doctors are telling her not to take antivirals to stop transmission and that it won't reduce transmission. THAT IS NOT TRUE. Either her doctor is incompetent or you are being lied to.

For most people that have HSV, it's less than a skin condition as they don't even have symptoms that they particularly notice or care about in the same way that they do with eczema or acne. I've had acne, eczema and hsv over the course of my life, and by far the one that has affected me physically the least is hsv. It has been, however, the most stigmatizing and psychologically traumatic, mostly because of people insisting that it be perceived as a big deal. If your lived reality is different, then it's fine to acknowledge your experience and your truth, but I'm not convinced that something that affects 80% of the population and most people don't even realize they have is actually a big deal, at least not in a general sense. I also think that the common take on herpes is overly dramatic, not one that undersells its effects. In fact, most people are absolutely terrified of it. I agree that you should be upfront about potential complications of the virus with partners though, and that includes the possibility that they will experience severe outbreaks and other, also potentially severe, complications. Men should be sure to that their partners are also aware of problems that could happen in relation to childbirth.

Thanks! One thing I'd suggest is when you're back to living your life and falling in love etc. take a moment to come back here and post about it. It could mean the world to someone who is in the throes of a new diagnosis to see how far you've come. It is great to see the difference between what we expect when we are first diagnosed and the lived reality of HSV. 🙂

Totally fair. However you handle this and move forward with it is 100% valid if it's what works for you. I'm glad that you're getting out there again and finding success, and thanks again for sharing!

Thank you for sharing. These kind of things are important to share and it's so easy to forget about those who are still suffering when you are starting to move on. So coming here and posting this is so vital and could make a huge difference in someone's life. One thing I wonder about is telling them that they're dismissed. It seems like a way of avoiding rejection, which I sympathize with for sure, but every act of disclosure can be an invitation to someone to get educated about this condition, which can help decrease stigma. Even if they are still not interested, they will likely move forward with a better comprehension of this condition than they had before. Also, as you can see from the responses, you don't actually need to limit yourself to HSV+ people. On the other hand, it's not on you to educate people and first and foremost you need to look out for your own mental health and have control over how you handle this. Again, thank you for sharing this; I think you've given hope to anyone who reads this. I know you have to me.

That's awesome! One thing to keep in mind is that there are ups and downs, so even when you feel like you are regressing a bit, which will happen, remember that that is part of the process and that your overall trend will be upwards! Just because you feel sad or anxious one day, doesn't mean you are back to square 1. It's a process. Feeling gratitude and hope for the first time after a long time is pretty amazing though, isn't it? Like rain when you're dying of thirst. Enjoy your journey Jasmine.

That can lead to a false negative.

Thank you for sharing. First of all, you came to the right place. This is a community of people who have gone through similar things and felt what you're feeling now. It's okay to feel upset about lying to your husband, because that was the wrong thing to do, but it's also important that you learn to move on and forgive yourself. What is done is done. It is good that you are seeing a therapist because it seems that you've internalized some of the stigma of herpes. "I'm disgusting" "I hate what I am", etc. As you talk to people here. focus on those who have gone through a similar journey and come out the other side. Some people might wallow in despair, but it's important to remember that, while recognizing that it's okay to be upset, if you buy into the idea of perpetual self-damnation, then that's what you will live. Ask yourself this: how can you be the best partner that you can be to your husband, who has forgiven you and loves you? Is it by hating yourself for what happened? Or is it by learning to love yourself and to comfortable in your own skin again? I hope this doesn't come across as too preachy and I want you to know that we're here for you.

It's been a month, which means you might need some more time to readjust, which is fine and normal. Your boyfriend should be understanding about this.

Here's a link to it: Whether or not to do this kind of thing over text is debatable, but definitely the idea that you should be confident and calm are, I think, essential.

I don't mean to minimize that or your experience; I'm trying to say I agree with your response to Disgusted about keeping hope. Also, have you seen the "Disclosure Spree" thread here? It's pretty good.

Millions of people that have herpes find love. Like, that is the literal reality of the situation. There is absolutely no reason to believe that you won't or can't be one of them.

At 4 weeks it's like 50/50 for antibodies, so it's not a good indicator. Sorry. At 8 weeks, you're looking more at 90% chance you have developed antibodies, but that 10% still means you'd need to get tested again at 12 weeks.

Your what came back negative after 8 weeks? IGG? IGM? Swab test?

First of all, you don't "suck" because you slept with four people over two months! You can get this from having sex with one person once. Don't beat yourself up here; believe when I say it won't help. It is true that you will need to tell these guys, and hopefully they won't be assholes about it. But if they are, that doesn't say anything about you. It means they are scared and probably immature. Regarding people saying they are "clean", the truth is, a lot of people get STI tests and don't realize that the most common STIs like herpes and HPV are not included. So it isn't something you can really go by. Look, if the diagnosis comes back positive, it's going to be a bit of a whirlwind for you. Like, it's hard and scary and confusing. But believe when I say that it gets better and that you will still be able to find love, get married, and have kids (if that's what you want). Millions of people with herpes do it, and so can you. You will also have a community of people here that you can talk to and that can help you through this.

Oh, I like to hear @New2GH 's opinion on this one.