hippyherpy

Rejection can sting, but it doesn't have to. How did you disclose to him? If it gives you some hope- I've never been on a herpes dating site, and I've had plenty of successful disclosures. How you disclose is very important because there are so many misconceptions with herpes. He might have been rejecting what he thought of as herpes based on stigma. And honestly, you can't blame people for rejecting something that seems scary to them, even if it's stigma. That said, you need to give him the real herpes concept and not let the stigma herpes take over. There's three types of disclosures I've noticed. - the person doesn't care - the person doesn't know enough about it to make a decision - the person has already decided The second two require some kind education. The third requires not only education, but also a lot of reassurance that you are taking all the measures to keep them as safe as possible. The second doesn't necessarily require too much explaining. The third needs to go through a de-stigmatization process. My advice is to gauge what the person needs as far as understanding herpes goes. On another note- have you ever been rejected for things that aren't related to herpes? Herpes is just another thing that people may or may not reject you for. My point is that you shouldn't put it in it's own special category because not only is not really that big a deal, you are also feeding the stigma by doing that for yourself and maybe even others.

Game (which includes confidence and lifestyle or anything that could make you attractive to women) usually beats herpes. That has been proven here in this thread. I think it's important for people to not use herpes as an excuse to live the life of a victim. Its just a skin condition that doesn't even really effect most people who have it. I can tell you that if you are so worried about losing the chick that you don't disclose, that's a sign that you have to get your game together more and has nothing to do with herpes. Regardless of herpes, a man has to be cool with a woman declining sex. If you live a life of abundance, then one woman's rejection (due to herpes or anything else) is a drop in the bucket. Now that we have this thread, we've proven that casual sex is not only possible with disclosure, but that the results are repeatable and almost every time I've disclosed, it's worked out. Since I've been diagnosed last fall, I've had around or over twenty disclosures that led to sex. There were maybe four or five rejections (three of them were over text with girls I never met). That ain't bad odds at all, and there are many other things besides herpes that could cause rejections more frequently. First it was me on this thread, and now the world can see that my results are not intrinsic to only me as we have more people sharing these kinds of stories. My advice to anyone who has herpes is to get your presentation to be as good as you can make it.

I've yet to not disclose. In some ways I see it as a point of pride to do it. By not disclosing, you are making a bigger deal about herpes in a way than you would be if you did disclose. That's my mindset. It's not a big deal. I disclose because I don't need extra drama from the girl or from myself. Also, there is something about knowing that I will have to disclose that I think has helped my game in some ways. It's caused me to take things a little more steadily than before I had herpes. I still have fun and do things in the moment, but having a little secret in the back of your mind can actually help the mating ritual in some ways. Basically I disclose because it's polite (at the very least). If they freak out, I tell them to I wouldn't have let things get so far if I thought there was a big risk that they'd get it from me. The logic of that needs time to sink sometimes. Why would this guy tell me this? In a way, disclosing you have herpes sort of forces the person to trust you, because it's thought to be such a personal and stigmatized thing. If they can trust me from that, then they probably trust me when I tell them that risk is very low (which it is) and that I wouldn't put them in harms way if I thought there was a good chance of them getting it from me. I also tell them that I've even had girlfriends and we did it raw and they didn't get it from me. This might not be the case for you, but I think it's ok to say that because it's true for me.

My man, good for you. Go back and read my detailed breakdown in this thread of my "script". I would avoid using the word "just" because it sounds like you are trying soften things. Disclosure is suppose to be the truth moment, so keep it simple and too the point "I want to tell you something. I have herpes. Do you know anything about that?" If she says yes you can ask her what she knows, and if she says no then you can give her the info. I make it clear that while most people don't need to take anything for it, I take a pill that makes it much less likely for me to give it to her (because I'm a little OCD).

You are going to be ok! Herpes ain't as big a deal as people tend to think it is.

Are you saying that in general more than 50% of black women have herpes?

I don't mind. I like my vitamin P. With regards to that girl, HIV has hit the African American community a lot harder than others. Especially the gay part. You have guys in that community doing the DL lifestyle who are spreading it to the ladies. In Atlanta, 1/50 people has HIV. Herpes does have different rates by state. For example, in a place like NYC it's 1/4 people who have it. That's a lot. Anyway, I want to know if it's the boxer area or what.. One reason I'm confused about the connection between HSV and HIV is the oral thing. All the blow jobs + HSV 1 doesn't seem to have much to do with passing HIV it would seem. I don't want to die because I like P. i want to have better info on all of this so I can keep myself and my partners safe. Don't want to get HIV if I accidentally get period blood on my boxer shorts region or whatever.

You may not like stereotyping, but there are populations that higher risk than others. You left out a lot of info about that single mom. My point is that, unlike HIV, Herpes afflicts almost every one and hasn't been correlated to a specific group. The most correlation I've found is that black women are almost 50% herpes. HIV has a very obvious population to anyone who has looked closely at the stats. Of course there will be outliers. We shouldn't be politically correct when talking about this stuff. Also, HIV isn't a death sentence anymore. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that HIV might even be more controllable than herpes. There are people who can get their viral load of HIV down to undetectable levels with today's medicine. With herpes, we still have to deal with some fog of mystery. A small one at that if you take anti virals and use condoms, but we can't measure herpes load, or predict when asymptomatic shedding will occur as precisely as they can measure viral load.

Interesting. Here is how I look at it- you'd probably want to avoid risky sex with someone who has HIV even if you didn't have HSV. This means avoiding high risk populations and using condoms, stuff that anyone who is worried about HIV should be doing regardless of herpes. The reason they saw an increase in the studies was because the studies were being done on gay men in San Francisco were HIV was rampant. Within that already high risk population, herpes can increase the chance of transmission three fold. With regard to HIV transmission In low or almost zero risk populations, it won't make a difference if you have herpes because HIV isn't around to begin with. Does asymptomatic shedding cause an increase in CD4 or do CD4 levels get raised only at the area where the blisters occur. If it's a asymptomatic, is that by definition mean that the body doesn't know the virus is shedding and won't send CD4 etc. ? If that's the case than the boxer short area doesn't become a big HIV sponge.

How popular herpes has become? You mean like how many people have it?

@hippyherpy - You just never know. My least successful disclosure was in person and my most successful disclosures have been via text. I think there's something about giving a guy time and space to think about it, no pressure, that seems to help. And I feel better knowing the guy has put thought into it before acting. Of course, it isn't all about the method of disclosure anyway. Some people will have a strong opinion one way or the other regardless of how you approach it. What do you say in your text disclosure? Example?

He didn't seem that into me this morning, I had to ask him for his #, he didn't ask me. If you were just looking to get laid, why did you need to ask for his number? I may be wrong here but I'm guessing you were hoping for at least a *little* something more than a quick hook-up....in which case if you had sex and then he didn't ask for your number, don't you think it would have been more upsetting? The guy from the other night texted me tonight. I opened up the text and it was a dick pic lol. I wanted to have sex with him so bad the other night. If he does end up wanting to meet up would it be better to tell him about herpes through texing or a call, or if I meet him in person over drinks? He went quiet an hour ago after I texted him last asking how his weekend was. Everything I'm liking about this guy is purely superficial at this point like, he was hot, had a nice apartment in Manhattan and even though we didn't have sex I knew from the other night we were clicking sexually. This is mostly why I didn't want to leave without his # the other morning. Fuck herpes don't ruin my chances argh!! Maybe he's got herpes as well. In NY it's 1/4 who have it. if I were a girl, I wouldn't tell him over text but in person, probably right when we were going to bone. That worked on me, and it works for me often.

@Hippyherpy I read one of your posts that said you had an actual ob at the time you were with a girl (you wore a condom) and you saId basically she grinded on you with her clit .....I know you likely disclosed you had herpies, but I can't help but wonder if you told her you were having an ob at that time and were extremely contagious! However, I guess if you disclosed.....you did your part. No, I had had my first outbreak and sores had already popped and it they had been healing up for a while. There were no scabs or anything, but still there was temporary scarring. The girl doesn't haven't it.

It's a tricky thing, because sex isn't usually planned out (at least not in my experience). Telling someone ahead of time that you have herpes when you aren't up to the point where they've overtly communicated their intent to have sex with assumes a lot. If you mixed my approach with yours, it would be like this: sex is about to happen, then you tell them, and then say something like "we can't have sex until you have thought this through thoroughly". I know people who have done that kind of thing, but it's not like the girls I'm hanging with are completely oblivious to what's going on. If anything, you'd think talking about herpes around a person who has had some drinks would send them running because they'd be going on their fears and the stigma. Hasn't been the case in my life so far. I do make sure they understand. If they say something like "so what, I don't care about herpes" then I'm pretty sure they've checked it out enough to know it isn't a big deal because it takes some effort to find non-stigmatized info on Herpes.

^because I think herpes tends to affect a wider variety of people than HIV.

Truth is that there might actually be less pressure once you get herpes. It is very wide spread, and for most people who have it, it's not even a thing. Regardless of whether or not you get it, you can't let something like a little skin infection get in the way of your life.

^the girls I know who disclosed successfully with me before I got my herp did it right before sex. The idea is that you aren't assuming that sex is on until it's immanent. This is something you mention as last minute thing because it isn't really a big deal. If they want to expand it and discuss more, you can do that, but I don't see any reason to make it a bigger ceremony/deal than it has to be.

Another update. A lot of love going around this last werkinn the space of about one week I did four disclosures. All were accepted. Three led to sex immediately after and with the fourth.. me and the girl haven't had sex yet, but she seemed totally cool with it. I call that a successful disclosure even though we haven't had sex yet. My advice to those of you who anxiety about having to do the disclosure talk is to do it often. I know that a lot of people reading this are probably not interested in leading the kind of sex life that I've described in this thread, but regardless of that, the "performance anxiety" related to the dread of having to disclose melts away of you are disclosing to potential partners often.

He had cancer but he doesn't fuck you raw because you have herpes? I might have missed something, but you only live once..

What is transmission rate of oral from men to woman if the man is on suppressive meds. It's even lower I assume.

I gather that everyone's rate of transmission might be different. It would be cool if there was a way to figure out your own shedding schedule.

I want anybody to post here about their experience with disclosure "success" (a term that, just for this thread at least, pretty much means disclosing to someone you don't know that well and it resulting in sex). That said, my sense of what it means to have a "successful" disclosure has evolved since I've started this thread, but any time I post about something like "I had a success last night" or whatever, take that to mean that sex happened. Speaking of which, in the space of less than a week, I have recently had three "successes" with people I had just met. I think people are getting their kicks on now that the weather is getting warmer or something.

Well over 11? That seems very high. I think mine was about 5 after a while. Last July it came back as around 1.2 (I didn't find out until September though- the nurse had told me was all clear :( ). Then about a week after my first breakout I got a test (September), and it came back as .9. My first breakout happened a day or two after I had sex with a girl who had herpes. She had told me before and I did it, but I was freaking out a little bit anyway. I thought ingot it from her but the doctor reviewed my chart and saw that I had 1.2 way back before July. I don't know how it went down to . 9, but I got retested a few times and it was higher after that like 4 or 5. I think I panicked after hooking up with that herpes girl and that might have triggered my first outbreak. Looking back at the summer before though, I think I was getting some kind of outbreaks by new blisters. Either that or I actually did get herpes from and my initial test results from before the summer were off. Anyway, I have herpes now so, and was probably going to get it sooner or later because of all the raw dogging I was doing with strangers.

@aep001 I enjoy your math! So interesting....those numbers would likely be less the longer the person has H as well. Just to encourage you a bit. I've had H since age 23 and am now 58. I'm in a 20 year marriage and my husband is currently H-. We always use condoms (his choice) and I've only been on anti viral for aprox 7 weeks. So, according to the math, another 24 years together my husband will likely get this lol...he will be 80 and prob not give a crap lol. Thanks again!!! Did you guys start using condoms originally because of H or to avoid pregnancy?

^Those are good points. I think it's interesting that now we live in a time when there is a lot of emphasis placed on the importance of the experience of hanging out with someone (the "getting into") instead of the "you" part (like what you describe). For many people, relationships are just a thrill ride of sorts, or a form of an entertainment, like watching a movie but being part of it. We live in a time when the things that used to hold relationships together are starting to slide or lose their meaning. That said, it's more of a reason not to take rejections personally. It's not that they are rejecting "you" per se, but the experience that you might be offering them or that they are having. You are just the person who takes the admission ticket at the gate to the rollercoaster- the messenger. If you want to get more riders, then you can change the roller coaster. Herpes is another part of that ride now. That's why I say it's good to maximize any other aspects of who you are, or to at least clean up any loose ends to your presentation that might have been neglected before. Give the other person the clearest picture possible of who you are. Make it as easy as possible for them to get your vibe.