PhillyChick
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Posts posted by PhillyChick
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15 minutes ago, Lstgryl said:
I just don’t feel comfortable. I’m scared that I won’t be accepted or that a potential partner will spread my business. I’ve only been with one person in the past 6 years doesn’t accept it. Once I was diagnosed, he no longer wanted to have sex. This person knows me better than almost anyone and he rejected me. It’s hard to believe a stranger won’t.
i feel you. however i would caution you against assuming all men will react the same way. when i was first diagnosed, i was in a relationship and when i disclosed, i never heard from him again. that made me realize that he wasnt the right person anyway. he had always said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but then wasnt even mature enough to have a grown up conversation to break up with me? gtfoh
i realized right then that having H was an opportunity for me to be much more discerning about who i want to be in a relationship with. plus, i refuse to let this define me. i am just as fabulous with H as I was without it, and YOU ARE TOO!
i truly believe that your attitude dictates your circumstances. once i changed my perspective, then my circumstances followed. every single one of my disclosures has been successful.
i know it's scary, but dont let something this minor (in the scheme of things) stop you from living your life. we all have way too much to be thankful for to not live in joy! 🤗
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13 hours ago, Lstgryl said:
How do you guys deal with the inquiries about your dating life? I can’t bring myself to tell my friends why my years-long “situationship” is now over. I feel like a fraud bc I’m essentially not being honest. I understand this is my personal business, but I fear that they will somehow figure out that something is wrong with me.
i know i'm late to the game here, but why aren't you dating?
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how did i miss this thread?? i've been active on this forum for well over a year, basically SCREAMING that i'm an over 40 black woman, and where are the other black folks at LOL
anyway, sending love and positive vibes from philly!
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@Jenn88 sending you positive vibes 🤗 i know you dont see it now, but herpes is really not a big deal. the biggest part of dealing with herpes is your attitude towards it. you cant change your diagnosis but you can change your perspective on it! you are not dirty, you are not slutty. you are just as fabulous with H, as you were without it. like i tell other women on this forum, OWN your power 💪🏽. we all have way too much to be thankful for in our lives for something as minor as a skin condition to steal our joy.
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@bubbles0990 i was diagnosed with HSV2 a little over a year ago. HPV a few months ago. i could have had HPV longer, since it was almost 2 years since my previous gyno exam. i hear what you're saying about the wave of emotions coming back, but try not to stress, since stress can activate HPV and HSV. personally, i dont even put HPV in the same category since HPV often goes away on its on. most of my female friends have been diagnosed with HPV at some point, and with all of them it went away after 4 or 5 years.
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@Lilly82 if you were near me, i'd take you out for a drink and be like "seriously girl, calm down!" LOL 🤗
i think you're overthinking it. as women, we tend to read more into things than usual, once sex enters the equation. you said yourself that from the beginning he wasn't the best responder and was slow. he's just being his normal self...it's YOU who have changed. you now have different expectations now that you've had sex with him.
i agree with you 100% that if you care about someone, you communicate (even while sick), but you can't hold him to a standard that he never exhibited in the first place. you tacitly approved of his communication style, since you proceeded with him
he sounds like a great guy, but you need to let him know what your expectations are, and if it's not in his nature to communicate to your standard, then either you just accept it and don't read anything into his lack of responsiveness, or find someone else. too many men out here to settle! 😊
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@Tryingeveryday thanks for your kind words! good luck on your disclosure. you'll do fine! just speak your truth and be confident. keep us posted 👊🏽 🤗
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@Lilly82 that's fantastic!!! i am so happy for you!! he sounds like an amazing, caring man.
congrats on your successful disclosure. please keep me posted on how things go. i love hearing stories like this! 🤩
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21 hours ago, Lilly82 said:
My disclosure hasn't gone the smoothest. I have trouble getting the words out, I can't look them in the eye, I cry, probably look super shameful. Do you think it's ok to be confident while telling them and still get emotional about it?
IMO, you should practice until you can say it without being emotional. if you feel bad while speaking it, then you're showing that you're embarrassed and you don't feel worthy. especially if you're crying...you're giving him all the signals that say "RUN".
maybe try your next disclosure via phone. that way you don't have to look him in the eye. the key is to speak from a position of strength and authenticity.
you are just as fabulous with H, as you were without it. OWN your power, girl! 💪🏋️♀️🤗
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i have both. the HPV has been a non-issue. had a colposcopy at my gyno office and tests confirm it's low grade and nothing to worry about. gyno said it will prolly go away on its own
i've been fortunate that my HSV2 has been a non-issue as well. i dont have many outbreaks and all of my disclosures have been successful.
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@Lilly82 hi there. yes i have experienced a "double disclosure". it was with the guy i am seeing now.
i have a standard script that i use when disclosing (i posted it in my "successful disclosure" post) and all of them have been successful. when using that script, no guy has ever turned me away. it's all in my positive attitude, honesty and confidence.
but yes, when i disclosed to my current dude (in person), his eyes lit up and he was like "me too". he got a little emotional, because i could tell that he was probably scared of having to disclose to me at some point.
so it's just pure coincidence that i'm dating someone who is HSV2+. having that bond is kinda cool. we even joke about being in the same cootie club LOL
whatever you do, please always disclose. it's not right to withhold that information from someone. we all fear rejection, but at least you can feel good that you're doing the right thing. also, how are you actually disclosing? words matter. maybe if you adjust your script, that may help.
happy to chat further. feel free to PM me!
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@Newme i completely understand how you feel. i've been there! when i was diagnosed, i was in a relationship. when i disclosed to him, he took it well, but then when he tested negative, i never heard from him again. i was heartbroken. in the end though, i realize that things happen for a reason. he wasnt the right guy for me, and we would have broken up at some point anyway.
i wasnt ready to date either when i got diagnosed. i went "dark" for a good 3 months. but after that, i was like i will NOT let herpes steal my joy. i have too much going for me and too much to be thankful for to let something so minor (in the scheme of things) get me down.
once i changed my perspective, i was totally cool with my diagnosis and things have been so much better. all of my disclosures have been positive. having herpes has forced me to get more serious about who i choose to date and be much more particular.
so allow yourself time to grieve. but after that, make a conscious choice to start enjoying life again!
feel free to PM me if you want to chat further 🤗
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9 hours ago, Anonymous88 said:
I suppose I have got to stop worrying about the future and focus on the now but its easy said when I have always been a worrier. Thank you @PhillyChick for your advice x
22 hours ago, Anonymous88 said:@PhillyChick Thank you for your message. I do try my hardest to not stress and try not over do it and take some relaxing time for me like have a hot bath each evening but I feel as soon as I do feel so much better and positive I am then hit with another one and feel defeated. That's good to hear but can I ask roughly how many years into it that you then start to rarely have an outbreak? It's just I am only 30 and worry I then have to wait 20 years for me to have less or no outbreaks and then by that time I will be 50 so the good sex life whilst I'm young is gonna be crap till I am older and probably going through the menopause to bring the outbreaks all on again lol!
@Anonymous88 everyone is different, but i believe my friend's outbreaks started calming down after a year or so.
so you won't have to wait 20 years to get in a relationship or have good sex lol! and who knows, you may meet a guy that is OK with you having herpes, or even better, meet a guy who does have it, so he will understand. and sex at ANY age is awesome. im having better sex in my 40s with herpes than i was in my 20s and 30s when i didnt have it LOL
so try not to worry and stress. that will only make things worse. take it one day at a time (easier said then done, i know)
🤗
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21 hours ago, Anonymous88 said:
So jealous as I think if I rarely had an outbreak it wouldn't be such a bother to me 😔 I can see now why you're much more positive and have no problem with dating as you rarely get one. I can't have a relationship with the amount I am getting,if I was to meet someone and be in a relationship and be honest with them by saying I am a carrier of herpes and get quite a lot of outbreaks so won't be able to be intimate that much its not really sounding great is it.
i totally understand your position. i'm hopeful that what you are experiencing is temporary. one of my friends has had herpes for over 20 years and when he was first diagnosed, he had very painful, frequent outbreaks like what you described. this sounds very "woo woo" but what helped him was his mindset. since stress can trigger outbreaks, he started becoming more in-tune with his body. he started yoga and meditation. over time, after taking better care of his physical and mental health, his outbreaks subsided. he hasnt had one in years.
please understand, i am not trying to minimize what you are going through. my heart aches to hear of your struggle. but maybe trying a more holistic approach would help? it definitely helped me and helped my friend.
sending you peace and love from philly! 🤗
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@Anonymous88 i have been fortunate in that no i have not had many outbreaks. also, i can tell when one might be about to happen because of the prodrome symptoms, so then i immediately start taking valtrex for a week, and that seems to stop it from becoming a full outbreak. when i am in a relationship with a H- partner, then yes i go on suppressive therapy.
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@Anonymous88 i am so sorry to hear that you've had such a rough go of it. i can appreciate the difficulty. i'm hopeful that over time this calms down for you and that you are able to meet someone special! sending positive vibes your way!
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i have used Positive Singles and yes the site and app do SUCK. But I have met several really nice guys on there, actually ending up being in a relationship with one. I had my pictures posted. If you dont post pics, I would think that dramatically affects your success rate. I also think where you live is also a factor. I live in Philly so being that it's a major metro (and close to NYC), there are prolly more options than if I lived in Omaha (no offense to my Omaha peeps!)
I have also used non-H sites like POF, match and e-Harmony. The guy I am currently dating I met on POF.
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On 10/31/2018 at 8:34 PM, Sumshine said:
I've had hvs2 for almost 40 years. I rarely ever think about it. I have never had a negative disclosure. I've only had to disclose a few times and ended up with a lifetime partner who could care less about herpes and has never acquired it from me. I NEVER made it a big deal because, for me, it's not!!! I have hvs 2. Yes, I had lots of ob's in the first couple of years. In time, they have all but stopped. It has not kept me from doing one thing in my life! I have a great career, spouse, family and life long friends. Have traveled the world. I've had a great sex life and have never passed this on. So, for me.....it's a very tiny, tiny part of my life.
@Sumshine I co-sign this 110%!!! #TRUTH
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everyone has their opinion on this, which is to be respected, but i truly believe that your attitude and perception shapes your reality. for me, HSV2 IS just a skin condition and it has had absolutely NO bearing on my life. it does not define me, and i dont even think or worry about it. i'm a 40+ year old woman and it hasnt stopped me from dating or enjoying life. all of my disclosures have been successful. to me, it is not a curse or something to be ashamed of. as a matter of fact, ever since i was diagnosed my dating life has been so much better, because starting out a relationship in the spirit of honesty and authenticity is attractive...at least that's what the men i've disclosed to said!
again, i cant speak for others' reality, but trust and believe. for me, HSV2 is simply that: a skin condition and everyone who i have ever disclosed to views it the exact same way.
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@Sunshine75 i'm so glad that you found the script helpful and congrats on your disclosure! i just read your post and i am excited for you! please keep us posted 😀
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On 10/26/2018 at 8:07 PM, Concerned1977 said:
@PhillyChick I love your disclosure it brings hope as im also in the same age range as well as AA. Its been about a year since this disclosure are you guys still dating if you don't mind me asking? And if not have you had any additional successful disclosures?
@Concerned1977 just to provide an update, no he and i are no longer dating. unfortunately our relationship didnt last but it had nothing to do with my diagnosis. he was great in that regard and very understanding, but i broke up with him.
i have actually had 2 successful disclosures since then. i met someone shortly after the original dude, and we hit it off. we dated for a few weeks and he expressed interest in a relationship. i disclosed to him using my similar script above, and he said he appreciated my honesty, confidence and maturity. he called me back the next day and said he did some research, and he didnt think it was a big deal. long story short, we dated for a few months, but i had to let him go too.
i'm dating someone now, and as luck would have it, when i disclosed to him, his eyes lit up and he was like "OMG me too!". so coincidentally, it just so happens i'm dating someone who is HSV2+ as well.
i truly believe that your attitude dictates your circumstances. i REFUSE to view my diagnosis as a limiting factor to my dating. and because i dont believe it will impact my dating, it hasnt.
i also get asked what is the age range of the men i'm dating: they are all black men in their late 40s, early 50s. I'm 43 and i prefer "mature" men LOL
happy to chat further. feel free to PM me!
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On 10/22/2018 at 1:14 PM, Newme said:
I'm new this as well. Just turned 30. Single black female, mother of 1. Is there hope for me? Guys my age are kids and misinformed. I feel like I'm never gnna find someone who can love me in spite of my diagnosis.
@Newme girl, YES there is hope for you! your attitude and beliefs will determine what comes into your world. if someone does not wish to proceed with you because of your diagnosis, then it wasnt meant to be anyway, so keep it moving. you are just as fabulous as you were before your diagnosis, and you will find a man that recognizes that! feel free to PM me if you want to talk further.
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On 9/19/2018 at 10:03 AM, Next step said:
Over 40 club here too. Still very new to all this and not sure how I will approach disclosure . All this gives me hope and faith :)
you'll do fine!
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@lovethemountains appreciate your post! yes dating over 40 can be difficult, but like you say, we just have to focus on positivity and still put ourselves out there. congrats on your disclosure and best wishes for your future relationship!
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Herpes in the Black Community
in General herpes discussion
Posted
i haven't no. sorry to hear you're experiencing that