I Have Type 1 Genital Herpes & I Just Found Out I Spread It To An Ex Boyfriend

[Juvia]

The text came right before I was about to go to bed. It was from a boyfriend I had from about a year ago, explaining to me that he had contracted the virus from me. I just stared at the text, my heart throbbing in my chest. It felt like I had just found out myself that I had it all over again. I felt the need to continually apologize and to help him at the same time. Tears brimming over, falling down my cheek, I went to my roommate, and explained to him about what just happened. I needed to talk to someone. And, all he could do was sit next to me and awkwardly pat me on the shoulder. That made it worse. Ever since I had gotten this virus, I’ve never had someone really understand what I was feeling. I felt alienated and disconnected.

 

I told my ex, just like I tell each of my potential partners, early on. I cannot handle the pressure of keeping the information from them along with the stress of having to tell someone I am interested in that I have an STD. I have even once accidentally told someone I was once a man as I was trying to tell him that I had herpes. It actually worked out for me, because he thought me being a man was much worse.

 

Anyway, I am getting off track. I want to help him get through this, but I have trouble myself dealing with it, even though I have had it for so long. He says he doesn't blame me, but he feels terrible about it still. He was debating telling me at all because he didn't want me to blame myself.

 

So, here I am trying to help someone else, and I realize that I cannot because I still feel horrible about what I have. I cannot have sex without thinking about it, and it has made me quite celibate as the years have gone by. I know it is not a life threatening virus, but it still affects so many things in life. Casual sex is not an option anymore, which isn't that big of a problem for me, but seems to be a problem for him. And, that wonderful moment where you are about to have sex for the first time with someone you care about, that unplanned, spur-of-the-moment dance that two people experience is now 'tainted' by having to admit to someone that there is a risk to sharing that physical moment. I can't even daydream about having sex with someone, because even they are ruined by having to admit it to myself. I guess, ultimately, I just have such a negative outlook on it.

 

I had always been awfully shy and didn’t have many relationships in high school, no friends, and certainly no boyfriends. I had a few when I was a senior. The first boyfriend took my virginity, the second showed me the pleasure of sex, but both relationships were short lived.

 

I was right out of high school and in many ways, still a naive girl. My friend had a brother. I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, he was older, and I remember even thinking he was scary. I didn’t want anything to happen, but I didn’t know how to say ‘no’ either. I just closed my eyes and pretended I was somewhere else. In the end, I was just grateful he didn’t have sex with me, but he had kissed me in a very private area. I had heard about oral sex, but had particularly never thought about receiving it.

 

About two weeks later I had an outbreak. It was painful and horrifying. I knew something was wrong, and I immediately went to the doctor and had a blood test done. I was at work when they called me. Standing in the little corner of the restaurant reserved for taking drive through orders. The sun was just setting, and it wasn’t quite cold yet. I took the call since business was slow, my voice low, my heart aching. I hung up and slumped against the ledge by the window. With my trembling fingers, I gently pushed them open and let the brisk breeze of the changing season wash over me. I just stood there staring at the soft yellow streaks, the splashes of pinks, the brilliance or oranges, the unmistakable beauty of nature, and I started to cry silently, withheld heavy sobs shaking my whole body. I still remember the thought I had that very moment, the thought that came after the realization that so much will be different. I thought looking at the sun set on the brink of autumn, “I have been rejected by nature, herself”

 

This might sound odd, but I felt I always had a strong connection with nature, when I was a child I would wander deep into the woods behind my house. And, for the first time in my life, I felt like I wasn’t special after all, that nature had turned against me and left me alone.

 

Ever since I could remember, I would daydream about the kind of love people say is only for the movies. I would daydream about adventures and all the possibilities the future held. And in one moment, I lost it all. Or so it felt like. All that hope and all those dreams that had always defined me turned dark. I wasn’t angry, but instead there was a endless sinking feeling in my chest, an emptiness with a blank stare.

 

And, that emptiness, that fear of hope hasn’t left me since, in five long years. How can I help someone else through this, when I cannot even help myself?

 

-Juvia

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

By remembering this virus isn't killing us. And what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. There is a sunny side and nature hasn't rejected you. I used to think about sex every day. Something about being single and needing sex more cuz u can't get it when u want it lol. I'm in the same boat as you. My sex drive has went to zero. And when a fine guy does walk by at first I'm like oh man he is fine then I'm like oh man he's just another possible incubator fir somethin worse than herpes like hiv. I don't really understand why we are as a society so sympathetic torwards hiv positives and you will never hear a friend making a wise crack about that because they are viewed as a victim and someone who meeds support while we with herpes are viewed as dirty unclean and a subject of ridicule. Maybe its cuz its not a life threatening thing and causes an inconvenience in our lives. And maybe i have it all wrong and people with that virus are made to feel yhe same way too. I just feel like everyone is ok with ridiculing people with this skin condition. It has really helped me reading this forum and looking at it as a skin condition which is how most people here refer to it. Altbough the man i slept with did not disclose this information to me i chose to sleep with him without protection. It was my decision as fucked up as it was. At least you were honest and upfront before you had sex. He knew the risks. Niw he alsi has a skin condition. so stop beating yourself up. As for helping him go through it just keep it real. tell him you still have good days and bad days and it can be something yall go through together. Yall can bith be there for each other.

[Juvia]

Yeah, this forum has helped me realize the strength I had in me all along. I have a strong desire to help others, and when I get a place to help and get help, I see improvements in my demeanor quite quickly.

 

I really like being here. I guess why it hurts so much, is that I do so much preventative care, and still it slipped out of me. But, such is life, nature will always find a way.

 

Thank you for your response, it is nice to talk to people who understands without explanation.

 

I do dislike very much how jokes about herpes is sprinkled throughout society and media. Pineapple Express, for example. It makes me feel alone and ashamed. But, I just have to remind myself not to let those emotions define me, and recognize them as just a passing thing. That I am not alone, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I know better than those people who make jokes, I understand more and have more knowledge, and therefore I am more better off.

[abbyroad78]

Has anyone asked themselves why we worry so much about disclosing to people who don't even ask?

[PeasNCarrots]

Have you considered that your ex may have contracted it from someone else? Please give yourself a break. Think in terms of, if this same scenario happened to someone else instead of you, would you be this harsh with them? Take care. :)

[sicarox]

Juvia, first of all, I loved your post. The way you described everything was real and beautiful and you're obviously a really intelligent chick. I found out about my HSV status only about a month ago, so I'm still trying to decide how I feel about it myself. I think it's kind of like a roller coaster. Second of all, PeasNCarrots is right. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself about the situation with your ex. The good thing is that he was a consensual partner who chose to have sex with you while knowing there was a possibility of getting it too. (Of course) this is just speculation, but, he says casual sex is something he doesn't look forward to giving up, so, it's safe to say he might engage in casual sex (maybe even with a person who is HSV positive). There is a possibility that you gave it to him. There is a possibility you didn't give it to him. You'll never know but, should you live with intense guilt over a possibility?

 

And I think you and I share very similar HSV contraction experiences. I'm wondering if the difficulty you're still having in coming to terms with HSV is because it came from a not-so-wanted sexual experience. I'm not sure how long it takes someone to come to terms with the H status, but it seems you might want to look into that aspect of the situation if you haven't already. It may be part of your acceptance process. Just a thought, I'm totally not an expert at all but, girl I feel your pain. AAAnnnnd, I'm totally gonna use your "I'm a man" technique before the H news if I decide to date in the future!

[duppystrangler]

Juvia, first of all you are a great writer. Your description of autumn (my favorite season) was really alluring and when you stated that nature rejected you, it brought a tear to my eyes. I'm still pretty new at this whole herpes acceptance thing so I understand how youre feeling but I can't help but to disagree that our mother nature rejected us both. I love her and all of her beauty. Herpes is a natural thing. Its the ignorance of society that rejected us, its the stigma that rejected us. In our lifetime I hope we see more of an acceptance of this silly disease so less people in the future feel less alienation. Hang in there!<3

[WCSDancer2010]

First - (((HUGS))) and love.

 

First, you are right - you can't help anyone until you yourself are healed...or at least accepting of the situation.

 

The first thing I also thought was (as mentioned above), are you sure YOU gave it to him? If he likes casual sex and you have been apart a year, it's VERY likely he got it elsewhere. Not everyone reveals (or in fact actually knows) their status. Many *think* they have been tested but have not. I'd ask him to go back and make sure he was actually tested (check Dr/lab reports) for H+ in the past, as well as after you broke up/before he had sex elsewhere. If he has had other partners and not been tested, there is no knowing if it was you that gave it to him.

 

And send him here. He's a big boy. We'll take care of him for you. You take care of YOU for now :)

 

Peace