Feeling awful and alone

[nadine10]

It is Friday night and I am alone on the couch....where I imagine I will be to infinity. Suspected this last weekend...actually went to the ER bc the systemic symptoms were So bad. It was a humiliating experience and the nurses were not very nice and said all the wrong things..."at least you don't have HIV...well you might the test didn't get back yet" and "you might find someone who wants to be with you" And that was the nice RN...I felt everyone was just scouring at me like the STD girl. I ended up violently ill from a boatload of antibiotics they made me take assuming I had every other disease under the sun. I had to call my aunt in between vomiting and checked out AMA. I know better...this was a slick Ex who I know is a risk. But it was around my birthday. The anniversary of a miscarriage...my exhusband leaving without a goodbye...I feel my immune system is completely crushed from grief...so I couldn't fight this off. My mother is dying and I am generally crying everyday adn am completely alone in this world. Now this diagnosis just sort of seals the deal. God I feel like my stock has plummeted...now I am almost 40, divorced, and now anyone I am with gets the threat of an incurable disease? Lovely? I am still in terrible pain. Can't help to feel this is a punishment from God for decisions I have made. It certainly feels like a plague of some sort. I can barely walk and am trying to go to work and then home and take a bath and straight to bed. Missed my favorite holiday Halloween...taking myself off all dating sights....This completely is changing my goals and plans for life. Now it is die alone or maybe adopt a child alone....the idea of ever having a boyfriend and walking hand and hand in the crunching leaves to get a coffee on a Sunday morning is dead. I was evidently not good at relationships prior to this Stigmata. I already am judged when I have to tell a prospective new man the story about my crazy ex as it still somewhat effects my life...now there is this? It is just too much. I know already how it feels to be judged and rejected and I do not need anymore of it. I sort of believe that the Universe wanted my lesson to be in this lifetime how to live completely and utterly alone...without family or intimacy and just focus on being self sufficient. Been getting this message for awhile now...and I loathe it ...because I truly wanted all those good things that come with Love...but this is sort of the Mega sign. I know this post is apocalyptic and whiney....but I can't share this with anyone else. I just tell everyone I have the flu and they think I am being dramatic. My Aunt who is really the only family I have...who really did show up at the hospital and helps me a lot with my Mom's health decline --- she actually is not warm and fuzzy and an say the meanest things ....so when I said "I am basically going to never date"....she was like "Nope...now your untouchable."....and this IS my support system. So alone on the couch is it. I can't believe this happened....well I suppose in one way...if you are out dating around for a cumulative total of 20 years total...you are bound to get an incurable STD. I have to admit between my thoughts of wishing I would die last night and googling how to be asexual....I found this website. The podcast did make me smile through my tears. And the fact that they called it an inconvenient skin condition did start to change my perspective a bit. But then my mind went back to realizing I am probably only thinking along these lines now because "I" have it. it is like cognitive dissonance. I digress...I hope to find some peace. Right now I feel disgusting. I made cupcakes and won't bring one to the doorman or my neighbor because they are Herpes cupcakes in my mind. So now I am relegated to eat the entire tray. And what would that matter....as I have already established the never ever having sex again thing and dying alone in my apt unfound for months with my face being eaten off by the numerous cats I ended up adopting who are starving. So there is one upside....not giving a crap how I look naked ever again. Sorry for being such a negative Nelly. that phrase about the skin condition is mildly comforting. Even though my GYN didn't intially taking suppressive therapy as he wasn't sure I would have another episode....however I pray I never have to go through this again and would take 5 of those horse pills daily if it would prevent this from happening. So doing the suppressive thing once done with these bolus doses. I hate to even look and see what percentage of those who take the suppressive therapy still have multiple outbreaks the first year...because this year is a year of misery and this is the herpes cherry on my Sht Sunday of life.... Happy Friday ....

[LifeBeginsNow]

Happy Friday :) I am on the couch on a Friday night too so you are not alone. My heart goes out to you. I have had many of the exact same feelings. When I first found out ( I actually got my test results back on Halloween) I was pretty much lifeless. I felt like I was walking around with a big H on my forehead and that everyone knew. I buried myself in my work and figured if I made enough money to get a private jet and a Maserati then herpes wouldn't be a problem.

 

Well fast forward one year. I don't have a private jet or a Maserati. But I do feel much better about myself. I did wind up getting a nice German car though Lol. I totally understand everything you are feeling. I have been there and still go there every once in a while. I don't really have any advise - all I can say is that it will get better. I beat myself up a ton and it did nothing for me. You have to make a conscience decision to see that you are the same great person you were before H. Your stock has not plummeted - I work in finance so I kinda know about this topic ; ) Maybe that's the perception of your stock but that's probably not the reality.

 

P.S. I love cupcakes so I'd be happy to take them :)

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Yeah what life begins said. i want one if tgose cupcakes too! yall better not hold out on me!

 

[PeasNCarrots]

Just wanted to say, it's going to be alright. When you are ready to let some light in, the sun will come out. You just have to decide you can accept its light. Stay strong.

PS: you seem like you must have a hilarious sense of humor, from your writing style. No offense but I giggled at some of what you wrote. :)

[nadine10]

Thank you guys. Seriously. I do find comfort in your responses. :-) watching Gatsby on the couch with my dog helps too. Funny- My first thought was to throw myself into work and try to make crazy money. Because maybe money could anesthetize against a future of no love or sex. Ok- that was not my first thought ... But it occurred while still in the ER pummeled by shame. Thanks again for the support. This really is quite isolating.

[nadine10]

Btw- does plodding oneself with things like lysine and echinacea and green tea and ginseng and fluids and vitamin c and aloe help? Because that's my diet along w copious amounts of valtrex and all those cupcakes of shame. :-/

[LifeBeginsNow]

I think it's different for everybody. For the first few months I took lysine religiously and it didn't help at all. I haven't taken lysine in 6 months and have been pretty good. I'm also not on any daily meds.

 

I'm no Dr. obviously but I think a fair amount of this is mental. For the first few months I was constantly thinking about it and boom. I got back to living my life and stopped obsessing about it and guess what? I've been pretty free and clear. Obviously try to be a little bit healthier but you should do that regardless.

[laur6588]

I am very worried. I am almost positive I have herpes, but am still waiting on the test results to come back. I have more than one sore now and it started to get painful and tingling and burning when pee itchiness... I am really scared and my mind is like stuck on the fact that if now I may have been exposed to HIV. I cant get the thoughts out of my mind. I am all alone up where I live, I don't know how to talk to anyone about this because I don't know anyone who has this, and I am scared. I got tested for HIV three days ago it came back negative but they insisted I come back in 3 months for retesting. I really need some insight on what I am dealing with. I feel light headed and dizzy and I am freezing but my palms are sweating. My heart is beating so fast, and I have never been so scared. Can anyone help ease these thoughts?

 

[Juvia]

To help with the physical pain. I have very painful outbreaks, too. When I get out of the shower in the morning and before I go to bed, I put an ointment on the outbreak that was prescribed to me by my doctor (OB), I pat it dry after the shower as well. Keeping it dry will help it heal faster. I also take Acyclovir to help the outbreak fade faster.

 

On top of that my OB suggested to me that I take a supplement called Lysine to help my body's natural immunity strengthen, so it too can help me fight off the outbreak.

 

Your first outbreak is going to last the longest and be the most painful, because it is all new to your body. Eventually, you body will build up it's own resistances to it, and your outbreaks will be less severe.

 

Before the ointments, medication, and supplements, my outbreaks lasted 1 to 2 weeks, now they only last about 3 to 4 days, with much less pain.

 

About the emotional pain you are going through. Stay strong. Look at it as a challenge thrown your way. Over time you will learn how to deal with it. Also, this is something that you have, it doesn't define who you are. You are not alone and you are not a freak. You still have a whole world of opportunities ahead of you. Now, you just have to be more careful with who and how you have sex. That is all.

 

The more you know about what you have, the less chance you will have of spreading it to someone else. Although, there is always a possibility that it will happen. If you prepare yourself and your partners (share the knowledge) you have with them and take the appropriate precautions), everything will be fine. Even if things don't go as planned, that doesn't mean that it won't work out in the end.

 

Life has a funny way of giving you what you need, even if it doesn't seem like what you want at the time.

 

Social stigma about what we have doesn't make it better. Because the truth is, most people I have come across don't know anything about it. They don't know that there are two types that you can have, and all they have been exposed to about it is movies like Pineapple Express where it is joked about and shown as a dirty thing. And so, when someone finds out they have it, they often don't know much about it except for what they have seen, and all those bad connotations affect how you feel about yourself. But, you have to remind yourself, that that stigma is stemmed off of ignorance of what herpes actually is. They can joke about it because it isn't a life threatening thing. I mean getting chicken pox as an adult is more deadly than herpes.

 

I have had herpes for about six years now, and I have had the talk quite a bit. Although it is still a little uncomfortable, it got easier.

 

I have been rejected, but that only made me realize that that isn't the kind of person I was looking for anyway. It was rough, but nothing I couldn't handle. You find that having herpes really does help you grow in character, if not anything else. But, at the same time, you have to respect the decisions of others and try not to harbor judgement or resentment if they decide that they are not comfortable with it. If you wish to not be judged you must hold as one of your values to not judge.

 

I am just letting you know, that rejection isn't the scariest thing, even if it may feel like it sometimes. It just means there is someone out there even better for you.

 

I usually tell someone very early on. It is also good to be informed on what you have and ready to share your understanding and knowledge. The chances are he doesn't know much more about it than when you first found out that you had it. It will make him feel more comfortable knowing that you are prepared and well informed.

 

I usually keep it short and simple and to the point.

 

Prepare him for a talk "Could you sit down with me for a moment?"

 

And then continue, "I feel like we have a good understanding of each other, and I want what we have to continue, so I feel it necessary to tell you something important for you to know. You see, I have herpes, and I was wondering what you thought about that."

 

Listen to what he says and then offer, "If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I believe talking about this is important. I want us to be as open about this as we are with other things."

 

Try and put yourself in their shoes, it always helps me to be stronger.

 

As I have stated, most people don't know much about what herpes is or what it feels like to have it. So teach them, help them understand.

 

Be strong and stay strong. You have the ability and the right.

 

I hope things get better soon.

[Juvia]

By the way, I take 1000mg of Lysine daily even when I am not sexually active, when I am sexually active, I take the medication daily, but I have found that the Lysine does help. The first few outbreaks I had lasted from a week to two weeks, now they only last 3 to 4 days, and with much less pain.

 

But, I would find an OB that you have a good relationship with. Ask her shamelessly about everything you feel like you need and want to know. My OB has been my saving grace.

[nadine10]

Thanks for all that wonderful info. Really appreciate it. Good to hear again the 2nd outbreak won't be as bad. I'm hoping to never have another one but I'm under such chronic stress - that's unlikely. Question : why do you only take the medication when you are sexually active ? Are there side effects? If not I just want to stay on it every single day to increase the chance I don't ever have to see this recur. Not sure if that's smart on my part.

[mr_hopp]

Hey Nadine! To answer your question, here's an article I wrote about herpes medication:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication/

[Juvia]

I only take it when I am sexually active to take precautions so that my partner does not contract it, when I am off, I am not bothered very often by outbreaks, so I don't find it necessary to take it everyday, but only when I have an outbreak (to help the heal time).

[nadine10]

Thanks for all the great info. It's been like 2 weeks and I'm still SO wiped out. I need to sleep all day. Not sure if it's the heavy dose of meds or the virus. I am almost done with the mega dose of meds and believe I will continue with suppressive therapy even though I'm not in a relationship and never plan on being in one again. I just would prefer to never deal with all this again so whatever can decrease the probability of outbreaks. Seems the side effect profile is quite low.

[hope75]

Hope your feeling a bit better. I have being on suppressive for about 7 weeks now and haven't had a break out since ( was having almost continuous before that ) and no side effects for me. Hope it works for you nadine10.

[mr_hopp]

Nadine, if what you deeply want is to be alone then I will support you in that, but something in me says that's just the fear speaking. That deep down you just want to be loved. That you want to share your heart. Don't let the fear tell you things that simply aren't true. Don't create a lonely life for yourself if that's not what you want. Yes, let yourself heal; let yourself be alone for now if that feels right. When you heal, re-evaluate what you want and the kind of person you want in your life. That's when you can move forward. I want to support you in your healing toward what you truly want, not moving away from what you're afraid of. :)