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Need a pep talk


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Isn't it weird how you can move along and all is going well, you think you have dealt with stuff and then bang...back to square one or at the least a step back. I don't even know how I have stepped back from feeling really ok about H and not thinking about it much to feeling alone and wondering if I will ever have someone special now

 

I have had no symptoms for three months now...both the HSV2 and HPV have gone to sleep...so I should be feeling great and I was until the last week or so. Maybe it's because I had a short and lovely visit with an ex...or because I am wanting to date again and meet someone again ... or the fact I have been to three weddings in the last month (and got all the beautiful intimate moments as photographer!)...or maybe it was meeting a guy who I like and my first thought being "when do I tell him?". Probably was the lot!

 

Disclosing is never easy and i thought I had it sussed but right now it just seems too hard...like I don't want to have to do it and its easier to just not date. I feel ok telling about one STI but its like I have to say 'but wait, there's more'...am a bit over the two for one deal. And I know all the statistics, the information and from experience know I can disclose pretty well...but right now I just don't want to have to go through the dating and telling thing.

 

I am always the strong sensible one doing pretty well dealing with the H's but last night I finally crumbled and talked to a friend about it - he just said 'You've got Herpes not Ebola"..while I totally agree, it didn't help with the way I am feeling lol. So a pep talk please...I know I will move on from these feelings like I have before, just don't have anyone I know who has this that I can share with and know they understand. Thanks :-)

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Lelani,

 

You don't have to do anything about anything right now today except just ride it out. This to shall pass. You are just having a down day, doll baby. It can be hard to feel like you are outside looking in on life and I so know how that feels. If I were with you I would give you a big squeeze and make us a margarita. :)

 

You are beautiful and strong and smart and the right man will see the herpes just like A's logo...small h in parentheses...not a big deal. Is there a guy you are into that you are worrying about disclosing to? Or is it just the idea of having to go there again?

A couple of things I am telling myself right now and working on are the following [so werk it with me, gurl]:

 

We have today. Tomorrow isn't promised, so don't waste a minute of it worrying about what may never come. Put your dancing shoes on girl, and I know you have them, and dance today while you can. Take a couple of deep breaths and say thank you for this day. It's all we have.

 

Make a list of things to look forward to, and if you can't think of anything to put on it, get busy getting something. Even if it's a mani-pedi, or getting your girlfriends together for dinner, or a short trip somewhere, a new hobby you want to try...whatever...get busy planning and looking forward and living your life. No waiting.

 

Instead of focusing on how you will disclose when a great guy comes along and how scary that will be, make a list of what he...the right man...will look like. And I don't mean his abs, though if you are into that, ok...but I mean who he will be on the inside. Will he be kind? Will he have a good sense of humor? Will he be smart? What do YOU want and deserve in a partner? Does that include an ability to transcend a tiny pain in the ass virus? For me, it does. If not...peace out. I would understand, but I would know that was not my guy.

 

Lelani, you are so wise, and you have been through so much. You will find love if that is something you want again. But you will come to that from a place of strength. Today is just a rough day. Be good to yourself, nurture yourself and know you are supported in this journey and will have what you need when you need it!

 

much love,

breathe

 

 

 

 

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I don't know if I can provide a pep talk, but when I feel bad about having herpes and being forever single, I try to remember all the things that I am grateful for in my life and know that herpes is better than some debilitating illness like MS, Lupus, or Cancer. I try to do whatever it takes to keep my self-esteem strong. Be around positive non-judemental people, but also remind myself how great of a partner I would be for someone. You have to believe that you are a great person and have a lot of to offer someone. You must know what these qualities are. List them when you are feeling down. It's easy to forget when we see so many couples, but remember their happiness could be fleeting too just like everyone else's is. Things are not always what they seem on the outside.

 

I met an awesome guy once that was fully accepting about my herpes. Problem was I wasn't "in love" with him. Later I met another guy, that I was "in love" with, but he couldn't accept my herpes. Ironic, but it's about my karma and attracting the right partner into my life, which I'm working on...

 

Bottom line, I think it's natural that we all have our stuff. If we continually to recognize and honor our own feelings, then we have more courage to live in acceptance of ourselves, and then the more goodness you can attract.

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Hey B, lovely response... it's what internal dialogue should sound like when the noise rises up. And ultimately, that is all there is... noise, internal static, emotions that need no analysis because they are momentary (and based on false ideas). But it's easier said than done. I think mantras help, like a soothing balm on a wound, to remind us that scrapes and cuts are part of the process. I also remind myself, when I'm down and fixated, that if I didn't have HSV2, I'd be fixated on some other thing about my body... something to support the false belief that something is wrong with me, that I am... D.E.F.E.C.T.I.V.E.

 

I disclose my sexual orientation because it's a perfect example of holding onto a belief that I was born 'damaged goods'. I mean, that I need a president and two generals to validate my worth... it's ridiculous! LoL

 

Dear LELANI, I hear you when you cry out that (h) is not all, that there's more... And you are right, there IS more... your mind, your heart, your sexiness, your voice, your cooking, your humor, etc.

 

There is a new show on HBO called GIRLS; the protagonist discovers on episode 3 that she has HPV, and the manner in which the series treat this is fantastic... not only does the protagonist have it, but her sexy friend Jessa has it as well. The show takes STIs into the open where they belong... unlike that awful Sex and The City who didn't even acknowledge 9/11... but don't get me started on that.

 

Point is... do as B says... get pretty and go dancing. You have the right to love yourself unconditionally. Party up :)

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Lelani I feel like I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to having bad days like that. Lately I find myself having lots of them. The other day I could not stop crying, thinking about having h, and getting annoyed that I can't live my life exactly the way I used to. It was the first time since my initial outbreak eight months ago that I really, really let myself cry and just be upset, and it actually made me feel better in some ways. To let myself feel mad, angry, and depressed allowed me to let go and release some of those feelings that are not serving me anymore.

 

I've realized that I'm just going to have days where I feel completely fine and content with myself, and others where I do feel like I'm back at square one. But I've seen many of your responses to other people's posts and like B said, you are very wise, and you know that this is a process, along with everything else in life. How we choose to view the virus is entirely up to us; if we believe it defines us, makes us less attractive, or as Carlos said, makes us "damaged goods," then that is what we will be. We have the power to choose how much we are going to let this affect our lives. It's in those moments of sadness where it's up to us and our higher selves to choose what thoughts will benefit us the most.

 

I know where you're at and I feel for you. What helped me was just letting myself feel the emotions that I might have pushed down in the past for fear of dealing with them. Sometimes having a good cry is really healthy, but afterwards make sure you know how beautiful, lovable, and deserving of love you are. I watched this video on youtube about how to disclose to someone, and at the end of the video the girl said that she views herpes as a gift because it's led her to find more of the "right" kind of partners, whether she was in a relationship, or just having a purely physical relationship. She met open minded people who saw her as she was, and not just a small, over stigmatized virus.

 

I hope you're feeling better, sending you lots of love!

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Hey guys thanks sooooo much for your beautiful words and love...sagely advice and just listening (well....reading!) B I rode it out, N I did what it took to get my self esteem strong again, I i let myself feel it and had a good cry and then C I got pretty and went dancing. I want to hug you all!! I went out and danced the next two nights, very sexy and with a lot of guys (who all know I am not interested but dance with me sexy anyway bless them!). I even got asked by the dance school if I would become a dance instructor...seems pouring myself into dance because of Herpes has positive spinoffs lol. I am smiling again..still a bit sad but I know that if this is all I have to be sad about I am pretty lucky. I knew that, just need to get a bit of grief out I think. I meditate every day and have my mantras too...my gratitude list - times like this you need to really be disciplined and i wasn't - got lost in my sadness, glad to be on my way out of it again.

 

I just needed some understanding from people who know...I have gorgeous friends who I can talk to and know about my Herpes ...its just that they don't "know". So thank you, I send you love back a thousand fold! xxxxx

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry, this has been a long time coming ... I'm sorry I haven't responded to this sooner! Who knows if this is even still relevant, but I'll respond as if it is ... ;)

 

I LOVE you lelani ... even though we've never met and never even talked on the phone (yet! That's coming up soon, I hope!), I feel your huge heart whenever you show up here. How much you contribute on these forums, so heartfelt, with humor and support, is inspiring to say the least. You always know what to say to help people feel better. And to reach out like you have here shows me that it's okay for all of us to have low points. What you're modeling here in reaching out for help is that reaching out is not a weakness; it's a strength in being vulnerable enough to ask for help. It shows us that this whole support thing is a beautiful circle of support. We all have our high points and our low points. The low points help us appreciate the high points. And we can complement one another in helping when we can. You are such a beautiful person, Lelani. You have inspired me consistently through your sharing and supporting people in our community. And you continue to inspire me. You are using what was a painful experience and turning it around in such a beautiful way to help all of us. That is selfless. That is the epitome of a wounded healer.

 

Let's set up a skype session soon, shall we? I'd love to connect and see how you're doing now. :) Big hug!

Notes:

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Hey Hopp no problem about responding...the fact you have set this site up and that it allows me to share and feel less isolated is awesome...I know you are floating around in the background somewhere ;-). I love this site because it is smaller (though growing all the time - very cool!) and I love you too...your connection, understanding and wisdom with everyone...so wish we could meet. I get inspired too every time I read your response to someone. It's one of the things about having H that is so amazing, it forces you to be vulnerable, scared and open...not easy but the connections that can come from that are priceless.

 

Thank you for posting...I am over that sad phase and know it will come again, just have to ride it through and remember it can now be a short time before I lift myself out of it. I cried when I read your words, I never thought of myself as a wounded healer and my posts help me as much as I find it helps others. It was so special to receive support when I needed it. And it was just through words, I haven't met anyone on here but our words carry all the truth and emotion that we all feel in dealing with this.

 

There is no support system around me in terms of anyone with H so thank you for sharing yourself with me, thank you to everyone for your stories and sharing...it helps me deal with having H in my life.

 

And yes skype would be awesome...and so want to skype you all at the H seminar weekend too (I'd stay up for that...or set the alarm! ).xx

 

***and Blessed...thank you. You really are blessed :-) x

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