The power of stigma

[LonelyGuy]

Hi, I really struggle with some of the advice offered on dealing with herpes and disclosing, which ultimately results in me having a lonely and celibate life.

I have HSV-2. I'm heterosexual. Although I hear bad stories about people having regular outbreaks etc, that is not me. My HSV-2 means that about once every two to three years, I get a small red mark on my lower abdomen. As soon as I feel the tingle, I take Valtrex and it goes in a few days.

Frankly, the common cold is more common and more of a hindrance to me.

However, the stigma is soul-destroying.

I've watched some of the advice videos and read some of the articles but, for me, they seem to be more idealistic rather than realistic.

In reality, these days, generally people have sex quite early on, and then decide if they want a relationship. All the advice offered seems to work the other way around, which doesn't really seem to fit with reality

And as for any one-night or casual sex, I think the answer would be 'I'll pass' as soon as I disclose.

Such is the stigma around this condition. Even though I have it, and know about it, I honestly think that if I were in the other person's shoes, I would probably move on.

As an example, an ex-girlfriend and I were talking about it. She didn't have an issue with oral coldsores (HSV-1) as long as she didn't kiss the person during an outbreak, but it seems HSV-2 is a whole different beast (even though it's essentially the same thing - although it's still unclear to me if HSV-2 is the only one that sheds??).

I understand that I can change my outlook, but then I feel that it doesn't really matter, because the other person's outlook is the one that matters (which brings us back to the power of the stigma).

I really feel that celebacy has been pushed on me. I remember when sex was something that was fun, and something to be enjoyed.

(On a side note, I'm walking proof that 'safe sex' with a condom isn't entirely safe)

Sorry, I understand this post sounds negative, but that is my reality.

 

[chapstick1520]

Did you disclose to your ex? Was she interested in you beforehand?

Have you actually disclosed before?

[Farishta]

Dear LonelyGuy,

I am going through my own version of being rejected for having HSV2 by a man who has HSV1.  Well, actually, I wasn't fully rejected.  I was slow-tracked and after 6 months, I rejected the slow track..  And now I'm regretting it.  I've been in this community for two years now and I still hold out hope, but I am beginning to think it's foolish hope.  The stigma is so overpowering.  You're not alone.  I feel for you.  You can borrow some of my foolish hope for a while if it helps you get by.  Hang in there.

[mr_hopp]

All good, negativity is perfectly understandable and totally allowed. 😉 And I totally get it — the stigma around HSV can be incredibly tough, shaping not just how others see us, but how we see ourselves. I went through a suicidal period myself early on. I really did think all was lost. But what I (thankfully) realized is that so much of this can play out as a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you brace for rejection because of HSV, you're setting the stage for it. How you carry yourself, how you disclose, it'll all set you up for a rejection that you already were anticipating and expecting. So it's crucial to shift the narrative within yourself first. Are you "damaged goods" or someone who's responsible, aware, and deserving of respect? This perspective can change the whole disclosure dynamic. Sure, some might still say "no thanks," but often, it's not just about HSV. It's about compatibility. What you're missing in the "it's more important what others think" narrative is that you have a lot of impact on how others see you and how they see herpes. The right person will look past HSV and see you for who you truly are. They will see you as the kind of person who takes responsibility and is honest, vulnerable and courageous. So your mindset and approach in disclosure can make an entire world of difference. Keep faith in yourself and the right connections will follow.

[Natty]

I just wanted to offer some hope. I've had HSV2 for about 10 years and HSV1 most of my life. I've disclosed to 8 relationships of all varying levels, and only 1 did not accept all of me (and that was the most recent). I also honestly feel it was because I disclosed too late in the relationship. There is a balance and way to disclose, and I've used all of H opportunity resources to learn how. The hardest part is just doing it and at the right time, not too soon and not too late. I know it's easy to say, and I don't know if this is any consolation, but if you are great person and match for someone, they will accept you. Dig through the "no" to learn it was just not a good fit, and it's better to find out before you are intimate and sharing a life with someone rather than later. I really did buy into this an opportunity to screen out the people we should be saying no to.

[LonelyGuy]

10 hours ago, Natty said:

I just wanted to offer some hope. I've had HSV2 for about 10 years and HSV1 most of my life. I've disclosed to 8 relationships of all varying levels, and only 1 did not accept all of me (and that was the most recent). I also honestly feel it was because I disclosed too late in the relationship. There is a balance and way to disclose, and I've used all of H opportunity resources to learn how. The hardest part is just doing it and at the right time, not too soon and not too late. I know it's easy to say, and I don't know if this is any consolation, but if you are great person and match for someone, they will accept you. Dig through the "no" to learn it was just not a good fit, and it's better to find out before you are intimate and sharing a life with someone rather than later. I really did buy into this an opportunity to screen out the people we should be saying no to.

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

[LonelyGuy]

On 3/13/2024 at 9:08 AM, mr_hopp said:

All good, negativity is perfectly understandable and totally allowed. 😉 And I totally get it — the stigma around HSV can be incredibly tough, shaping not just how others see us, but how we see ourselves. I went through a suicidal period myself early on. I really did think all was lost. But what I (thankfully) realized is that so much of this can play out as a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you brace for rejection because of HSV, you're setting the stage for it. How you carry yourself, how you disclose, it'll all set you up for a rejection that you already were anticipating and expecting. So it's crucial to shift the narrative within yourself first. Are you "damaged goods" or someone who's responsible, aware, and deserving of respect? This perspective can change the whole disclosure dynamic. Sure, some might still say "no thanks," but often, it's not just about HSV. It's about compatibility. What you're missing in the "it's more important what others think" narrative is that you have a lot of impact on how others see you and how they see herpes. The right person will look past HSV and see you for who you truly are. They will see you as the kind of person who takes responsibility and is honest, vulnerable and courageous. So your mindset and approach in disclosure can make an entire world of difference. Keep faith in yourself and the right connections will follow.

Thanks. I appreciate the help and advice. Just so frustrating when, at least in my case, it's nearly all about the stigma rather than the condition itself.

[LonelyGuy]

On 3/13/2024 at 4:26 AM, chapstick1520 said:

Did you disclose to your ex? Was she interested in you beforehand?

Have you actually disclosed before?

I made the mistake of not being upfront as early as I should have been. I disclosed when I thought there may be some threat of an outbreak. I'm not experienced with disclosing - only once before in my previous relationship when it appeared and was diagnsed two years into the relationship. I know I didn't cheat and I don't believe she did either.

[chapstick1520]

What did she say?

[LonelyGuy]

She was initially okay with it. She got tested and was negative. We continued to have sex, but I think her friends/doctor helped influence her decision. She eventually said that it was a factor in our breakup. Of course, I should have been more clear and upfront.
I think, if there are any other little questions or things in the relationship that need work, HSV serves to magnify those, and ultimately pushes the relationship into a 'not worth it / too hard basket'.

[chapstick1520]

When did you break up/are you in regular contact with her?