im 18. have been in college for 3 months. I know i have herpes.

[smileitsherpes]

im 18. have been in college for 3 months. I know i have herpes.

 

I have stayed remarkably level headed until now. I'm getting tested tomorrow, but I know.

 

im just so young. I know this will not define my life but it will be the first thing I'll think about when I see a cute boy in class, the only thing that will be on my mind when I have a mutually interested crush, and im just terrified of the rejection I'm bound to be subjected to at least one time in my life. If I do have a functional relationship with someone that accepts the risks, what happens when we break up. Kids are so immature and ill informed (me being a prime example). what will I do when he tells his friend and his friend tells his girlfriend and she tells her friend. My parents love me so much and are so supportive they are the only ones in the whole world I want to tell. it kills me to know that when they're laying in bed at night waiting to fall asleep thoughts of their baby girl will keep them up. They won't be malicious thoughts about the guy who infected me. They wont be thoughts of disgust. They will be tortured by the fact that I will struggle with this all of my life and there is nothing they can do to protect me. They will be tortured by the thought of me crying in bed after being rejected by a boy I thought I could trust. I'm just so young. So inexperienced. I haven't even been in love. And I detest wallowing in my own self pity but I realize that this is going to make me a lot harder to love. A lot harder to be held. My dad. oh my dad. He will cry at the thought of me thinking like this. he loves me so much and is so wise and in control of his emotions but I crushes me to think about the fact that at some point he will be disappointed, if only temporarily. My mom will look at me with sad eyes, say nothing and hug me forever. How long do I wait before telling them? How long will it be before they go in my medicine cabinet browsing for toothpaste and run into a strange pill bottle with my name on it? How long before they notice then look up this new drug on the insurance company statement? I cant handle keeping this from them but I also cant handle telling them. No matter how delicately I state it all they will remember is:

"Oh, so you know how you reluctantly sent me away to college? Well while I was gone I accidentally contracted herpes."

 

The party was eventually going to die, but I never thought It would end this way. Not now. Not me. Thinking about relationships I just remembered I got asked out to go on a date this Friday. HA, poor guy. How do I sit across the table from him smiling the same smile as I did when he asked me out. I didn't have symptoms then. I didn't have a care in the world. Now I feel like I'm deceiving him with my presence alone. I'm the same person he asked out but forever marred. I'm the same person that caught his eye but why try? Why work to look pretty and build a connection? How many weeks will it be before he gets tired of just making out and suspicious that I always have my "period" when we talk about going further. how many times will that happen in my life. How long will it take for me to find someone i'm totally comfortable sharing every aspect of my life with. I haven't found someone like that and its already been 18 years 11 months and 11 days. What do I do now.

[mr_hopp]

Hey smileitsherpes,

 

My heart hurts reading what you wrote. Because I remember thinking all of those things ... and then some. My mind went into a downward spiral. QUICK. I'll be alone forever. If I even flirt with someone, I'm deceiving them. I will never be able to love again. My life is over. Yep, this all brings me back. And you know what? I spent a gargantuan amount of time worrying about how horrible the future would be that I wasn't actually in the present moment taking care of myself. Worrying about the future is like praying for bad things to happen. The more you focus on how horrible the future might be, the more likely it will be that way. That's huge. It's not fair to yourself to fantasize about the worst case scenarios to your life when your future hasn't happened yet. If I could give my past self a piece of advice, I'd say "Don't worry about your future. You will love more deeply than you ever dreamed possible. You will grow to love yourself, too. Take care of yourself now. Take it day by day. Trust the people you love with your heart."

 

That's what I would say to myself. And that's what I offer to you. You are beautiful as you are. Deep down that hasn't changed. In fact, this may just be the reason you dig deep to find yourself. This is a beautiful process. And it's not a process of getting over herpes. It's a process of loving and accepting yourself. When that happens, the world opens to you. You just need to get past these dismal thoughts you have floating around in your head first. Notice them as just that: Thoughts. Stigmatized thoughts. They aren't reality. But if you believe them enough, they will become self-fulfilling prophecies. So switch your thoughts to more soothing thoughts of self-care. That's what you deserve most right now. Start there. Then share yourself with the people closest to you who you know will love you, probably more than you are loving yourself in this moment. We are all here for one another. To support. To remind one another that we are fuckin' awesome. You're bigger than some skin virus, SIH. I promise you that. You will look back on this and see it as a turning point into you becoming brighter and brighter.

 

Bring it on, herpes. You ain't got nothing on this woman. And we got your back. ;)

[smileitsherpes]

I'm sitting at the clinic by myself waiting to be seen right now. Thank you for your inspiring words, its just what I needed. <3

[WCSDancer2010]

smileitsherpes:

 

I've had it since I was 17. Back then, no one really understood it/cared about it. It was an inconvenient skin condition. It saddens me that things have come to a point where people are so devastated by herpes (including me now ... I have been through more struggles around this in my past 5 years than all the other years put together). DO KNOW there will be someone who will love you no matter what.

 

First, get properly educated about your condition. Ask all the questions you need here and read all the gread downloads/literature that Adrial has provided. When you talk to your parents, print out the disclosure download and give it to them. Send them here if they have questions.

 

"How long will it take for me to find someone i'm totally comfortable sharing every aspect of my life with. I haven't found someone like that and its already been 18 years 11 months and 11 days. What do I do now."

 

This made me smile... you are sooooo young. It may be awhile before you find that person ... stop worrying about finding "him" ... find YOU first. That may take awhile ... you are just starting to spread your wings. Enjoy your college years... enjoy the friends you make and the experiences you have along the way. Don't rush to find "him". There's plenty of time. He'll find you. Probably soon after you find YOU :)

 

(((HUGS))) and Peace :)

[smileitsherpes]

WCSDancer2010

 

Thank you so much. your words have definitely calmed the out of control spiral I was headed towards. reading back i suppose I did sound like a crazy that was already looking for a husband, but I guess I was just freaking out about handling crushes that seem to bombard my teenage mind. All is well, I took my first pill and i suppose I will just roll with the punches from here.

 

have a beautiful day!! i know I will (just ate some chipoltle too :D )

[Guest]

smileitsherpes,

 

My boy who is 23 was told he had the H last week, we are still waiting for the test to come back. The kid is very handsome, very attractive (may be that's a reason he caught it). He should be looking for a nice girl like you, soon. It seems to me that people with GH should stick with each other and not worry about dating/marrying outside their "community". Form what I hear/read GH is not a big deal if both partners have it. No, I am not a jerk at all. I just think that there is no need to take a chance on a rejection if you don't have to.

[mr_hopp]

Hi Majidoran,

 

Ouch. Makes it sounds like the herpes community is some sort of leper colony! ;) We're not. What you're saying sounds like the stigma speaking. Do you hear how what you're saying could be reinforcing the shame that tends to come up with herpes? Please be mindful of the impact that your words have. I want your son to know that he doesn't need to segregate himself. Can you ask him to join? We would love to support him in his healing process.

 

There are, in fact, plenty of people who don't have herpes who'd be pretty disappointed to hear that perfectly awesome people are segregating/pre-rejecting themselves from the dating community. What the Herpes Opportunity is all about is letting potential partners know about herpes without the shame so that people can make an informed decision for themselves, like adults. Self-segregation is still hiding something that doesn't deserve to be hidden. It's just herpes. A skin condition. With an unfortunate stigma. So we get to be more and more open about it and more and more accepting of it so that all of us are free to love anyone. That's how the stigma begins to dissolve. Everyone gets to date whoever they decide to date with open communication around sex and sexuality and all the beauty and risks inherently involved in love. :) No segregation necessary. Ding!

[WCSDancer2010]

Majidordan -

 

For some, only dating H+ people is the way they want to go. For ME, I refuse to limit my options to just that group. Why? Because even tho 80% of people have Herpes, only 16% are the Genital version. And many of them don't know they have it. So that would limit my choices greatly.

 

I for one am learning that H is just helping me to sort the riff-raff from a genuine MAN who will love me and my "nuisance skin condition". I just had another "heartbreak" from a man who walked away when he learned of my condition, but wanted to be "friends". However, as soon as I "came out" publicly, he completely cut me off. That told me everything I will ever need to know about him. His loss, not mine. :p

 

Smile: Follow the path that works for you. Each heartache will make you stronger and wiser. In the end, you will find a man who loves YOU.... promise.

 

PS: Except for the one jerk, all my REAL friends are supporting my "coming out". Not one negative post out of 1000+ friends. The shadow that looks like a Lion is often just a housecat with a bright light behind it. :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Smile:

 

"I guess I was just freaking out about handling crushes that seem to bombard my teenage mind. "

 

Keep reminding yourself of that - most are just "crushes". See H+ as a blessing. You will be forced to slow your out-of-control hormones down and get your head back in the game before you do things that you might regret later. You will get to know each crush better before you allow them into your vulnerable place. The good ones will give you time to get there ... the jerks will walk away. Consider yourself lucky. Too many girls fall for the players and the jerks thanks to those hormones and end up as single mothers. ;)

[Guest]

Adrial:

 

I think the stigma is irrelevant. My point is, since there are millions and millions of people infected why should my son bother with those who are not infected? The dating pool is big enough..! I have been crying the past few days, but I will feel much better when finds a good girl. My kid was always chased by girls, he probably could find one who is not infected, but is it worth all that..

[Guest]

Adrial:

 

I want to hug and kiss all the people who are infected. I love them because they share the H with my kid. I would have felt much better if I did not see my kid crying. As a father it's hard to see your boy cry at this age. I love you all.

[WCSDancer2010]

Majidordan;

 

Again, the dating pool of Genital H+ does limit your options and there are many MANY success stories of people who met and married H- partners (Adrial and I are talking about creating a booklet with these success stories).

 

Look at it this way - if your son finds a H- girl who loves him in spite of the herpes, doesn't that say a whole lot about her? If someone runs at the idea of very-low-risk-chance of transmission SKIN condition imagine what they will do if you develop a serious illness later on?

 

See my note to Smile right above yours. Herpes can be seen as a blessing in that we sort the Wheat from the Chaff (and the riff raff) early on. I've been learning that lately and although it hurts a little to be rejected early on, it hurts a LOT more to learn the person you fell in love with was tainted with your rose-hormone colored glasses.

 

If you look for the blessings when life throws you these lessons, you can learn and grow. This is just another life lesson for you AND your son.

 

And thank you for being there for him. I know it is scary for you too but believe me, it's a nuisance skin condition that gets a bad rap ... its not Cancer. THAT is what you need to understand and believe so you can help him accept being H+ too.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[Guest]

WCSD:

 

Don't limit yourself. I guess my point is " it is not much of a limitation to begin with". The issue is to have access to people with H.

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

It is worth it. if he finds two women one that will cook for him and they love doing the same hobbies together and can build a life tigether and one who is hsv positive who is a shrew self sentered lazy and shallow, would u still want him to go with ghe hsv positive girl? No. Dry up ur tears. you are a marvelous strong parent who can support ur son through this. he needs u. your responses are exactly why i have mot told my family. because i do not want my mother crying or blaming herself i don't want my dads condensation and self rightous attitude already hammering a broken spirit into the ground nor a brother who acts like he can get it from the toilet or from kissing my cheek still. Good luck friend and may the great xpirit be with u

[Guest]

WCSD:

 

My wife thinks like you and Adrial. I guess I was taking the easy way out...!!

[mr_hopp]

Hey Maji,

 

I'm going to go ahead and take you off these forums. I respect your perspective, and I don't think that it's supportive or healthy for this community to have a member who doesn't have herpes and is holding a stigmatized perspective. A negative, limiting perspective is more infectious than herpes ever has been. And I want to keep this forum for the people with herpes who need the support directly. I don't doubt that you love your son deeply. And please don't box him into any assumptions about what his life will now be like because of herpes. His life will be whatever he wants it to be, without restrictions and with full integrity. I'll email you some reading material that you can pass on to him.

 

Please do share this forum with him if he's interested in joining and getting support directly from this community. I'd love to support him in his healing journey. He'll be in good hands. :) Take care of yourself and your son. Much love and respect to you.

[mr_hopp]

So, SIH, where were we? :) (Sorry for that side-track!)

 

I'm glad you're feeling better now. It does help to get back into the present moment instead of getting lost in imaginary futures that are being created from our fears and insecurities. And I didn't see you as a crazy for going there; most people tend to go to worst case scenario when something happens that shifts things. It's just being as aware as we can be that it's our imagination at play there, not reality. That's huge. Instead of allowing it to go on autopilot, the mind is meant to be a tool that we use to create the kind of life we want.

 

I'm glad you got that Chipotle. Sounds like you're a fan. You should be their spokesperson. ;)

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Hey smiles. i realized after i got off here a while back i completely forgot to say what i was gonna say to you lol. I just went off into la la loopsy land. Anyhow, I was gonna say i completely relate to you about how you feel with letting ur family know. And that i would like to say as u get older u know how to handle ur parents and what to say to them however I'm 30 yrs old and still don't know what to say. No one can promise you how your family will react but we all can say it gets a lot better from here. I'm at a point now where even though i havnt told my parents i see my asthma as a worse condition than herpes now physically. Now I'm not tryin to sugar coat it either thay first outbreak was messed up. But we promise it gets a lot better from here.

[hope75]

Smiles, I want to send you a big fat cyber hug. Your in a good place here, there are some really great people on this forum that will help support you. Try reading the who made a mess thread. The quotes help me change my outlook on things, when I'm having a wobble XX

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/303/who-made-the-mess-and-other-inspirational-quotes-/p1

[NexisLexis]

hi SIH!

welcome! we are here to Love and support you. being in here has really healed my veiws on having Hsv2 this place is my safe place to talk and to learn and to grow.

big hugs to you.