Do I have to disclose herpes? (More venting than a legit question.)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I am going to vent: I am now single and walking this battle alone. Yes, I am so angry at the man that I could literally punch a hole through a brick wall. I am terrified to try to date. And his comforting words are, "oh if someone loves you they will look past it. Date them for a year and they won't walk away." Then me, "But why don't you care, why won't you be with me?" Then him, "Because I don't want anything serious and your mother told me things." Then me, "But will you hang out with me one night a week until I am ready to date again. Because I am scared and don't want to be lonely." Then him, "No I don't think it's a good idea we see each other." Then me, "Why are you so unwilling to do anything for me." Then him, "All I can say is I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do this to you. It just isn't a good idea." Yeah because in today's times dating for a year before being intimate is such the norm. *sarcasm* YOU GAVE ME THIS AND ARE WALKING AWAY AND DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO COMFORT ME OR HELP ME. I know it's my fault too, but for the love of God why can't he just do something. Just be here. Just be here, that is all I need.

 

Part of me wants to just go sleep with every man out there, just because I feel like there isn't any other option. But the other part of me says, well, I have HSV1 on my genitals, I'm on medicine, I'll use condoms, I got the harder one to transmit, why should I have to disclose. HSV1 oral people don't disclose. Why do I have to? I am angry. I am frustrated. I need to go find a mountain and scream and scream and scream. I don't want to tell a man I have this. I don't want to try to date and get rejected. I don't want this anymore and I want it to go away. I want it to end. I want for everything to just be over.

[cc123]

@defeatedbuttrying your post just made me cry because I literally feel your hurt and pain. I feel the same way. Why did this happen to us? We're not bad people. It's not fair. I don't even know who I got it from, or what type mine is yet. I find myself bargaining with god... just take this all away and give it back to me when I'm already married with kids. How unhealthy is that? Trying to stay positive and be strong is so hard. You're not alone. xo

[WCSDancer2010]

Ok - I'm going to be VERY blunt here.... as the book says "He's just not that into you".

 

Sorry. But as a friend points out to me on a regular basis when I am "stuck" on a guy who isn't into me, men WILL tell you exactly where they are but you have to be willing to HEAR them....

 

He said:

 

""oh if someone loves you they will look past it......Because I don't want anything serious"

 

And THERE is your answer. Your mother just made him be honest. Maybe that was why she talked to him...because she knew he was not in the relationship for the same reasons as you are. I read that correctly, he doesn't want to be with you on a weekly basis because he knows you are really into him and he doesn't want to lead you on any more.

 

And I want you to know that I TOTALLY hear your frustration and anger and I TOTALLY get it. But your diagnosis did you a favor. It got this man out of your life so you are now open and free for the RIGHT man to come to you. One who WILL look past it and WILL want something serious.

 

Sooo... I know this may not be what you wanted to hear but I hope it's what you NEEDED to hear. I so hear your pain but realize that this too shall pass and we are here for you while you are going through this part of the Herpes journey. We've all been there one way or another and we've all come out the other side relatively intact ;)

 

Big (((HUGS))) again .... and Peace ..... yes... it WILL come ...

[WCSDancer2010]

CC: you said "Why did this happen to us? We're not bad people. It's not fair. "

 

Well, this *could* be a cancer diagnosis .... or you could be the unlucky person who is in a building that a terrorist takes over. Or the one who gets hit by a drunk driver. But your unlucky crap shoot was to get a pain-in-the-nether-regions skin condition. I think I know which one I would shoot for if I was given a choice :/

 

Life is NOT "fair". Never was, never will be. As soon as you are at peace with that, you will find that many things in life change for you ... promise....

 

and I am in the camp that believes that everything happens for a reason. You just have to figure out what the message is that Herpes is trying to bring you... :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

WCS I know. It's not what I want to hear because I feel like he is a piece of shit for leaving me with having this and him being the one who gave it to me. It's not so much him I want, just for him to be responsible. To care that he did this. I don't want a man that would walk away because clearly it shows his character. My mother made things worse. He told me so last night. So many emotions today. Thank God for medication. And cc, I still have the it's not fair days. It is hard, just keep trying okay? I'm trying and it's so nice to know that I'm not the only one out there breaking down. I will be okay when I meet another man but that brings a whole other set of issues so i don't know. Freaking blahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Positive positive positive. Trying over here.

 

And I posted my picture. I'm coming out. That's me. Sarah. This was my 23rd birthday. I'm done hiding. I'm done being ashamed. (I may take it down, but I'm feeling really empowered right now.) So there I am.

 

Thank you both. I'm sorry I'm so down and negative right now. Hugs back. And blessings.

[WCSDancer2010]

Be glad he didn't leave you with a Baby ... that is one hell of a HUGE life altering experience..... with Herpes we learn to deal and can mostly ignore it on a day to day basis.... an unplanned baby is a constant reminder of a bad choice of partner ... even if you love it to death, your life will really never be the same and many plans and dreams have to be put on hold.

 

Try to see the "other side" of all this ... its easy to focus on the anger...but realize that you are now free for someone far, far better.....

 

And sooooooo happy to see what you look like. You ARE beautiful. That schmuck doesn't deserve you. Just tell him he better get moving so the door doesn't hit him on the ass on the way out ... LOL

 

(((HUGS)))

[mr_hopp]

Hello Sarah. Nice to see you. :)

 

And it feels GOOD to hear you getting all of this out with us in community to support you. It doesn't feel good that you're hurting, but it feels good that you're giving voice to something that has been festering.

 

You know, it sounds like the guy is just not wanting to face his own guilt, his own shame, his own demons. It sounds like classic avoidance and denial to me. For him to be able to help you and be there for you, he has to feel what he needs to feel in order to face all of this stuff in himself. And it sounds like he's not willing to do that. Unfortunately to the detriment of you.

 

So here's an open question ... What if you didn't need him in order to heal? What if you can be angry for only as long as you need to be angry so you can let it go? I get you know all of this already, but it doesn't hurt to reiterate ... :) If I'm angry at someone else and I punch a hole in the wall, I hurt my hand, not them. Anger and holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. We only hurt ourselves.

 

And trust me, I TOTALLY get it. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel angry. I'm just saying to notice what it's doing for you to hold onto it. I feel the frustration. I feel the "what the fuck" toward this guy who can't support you in your time of need, when you need it most. It hurts. And it sucks that he can't get past himself in order to be there for you. And for now, it helps to be healthily selfish for your own healing. Letting him go also means letting the anger go along with him. Focus on the feelings that will have you feeling soothed and calm. It's a practice to let the thoughts go, to let the feelings go.

 

Also, even though it was venting, I wanted to point to this part of what you said (because a lot of people have this thought):

"But the other part of me says, well, I have HSV1 on my genitals, I'm on medicine, I'll use condoms, I got the harder one to transmit, why should I have to disclose. HSV1 oral people don't disclose. Why do I have to?"

 

The answer is because we know there is a stigma out there for genital herpes. The stigma is there because of shame and hiding. Because people assume this means they are dirty. So what do they do? They avoid and deny. They don't tell partners. Then herpes gets spread more. And with herpes gets spread the shame, too. What we are doing is letting the shame stop by disclosing. We don't have to disclose the shame when we have the herpes talk, only the facts. We get to separate our own shame from the fact that we have herpes. We can't change the herpes, but we can change how we relate to it. So this Herpes Opportunity movement isn't about just herpes; it's about lessening shame in our culture; it's about spreading the love and transparency instead of the shame and stigma. When you tell future partners, every disclosure is spreading knowledge and okayness, because you know you're worth it. And anyone who isn't ready to see that isn't ready to hold your heart in relationship either.

 

And we're always here for you.

 

Big, big H Opp hugs. :)

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Everyone reacts differently. When i found out i had hsv 1 on my genitalia I felt like a big walking viral herpes bomb just ready to explode. I actually thought i would have been better off with hsv 2 cuz its harder to pass. And so u can understand where I'm comin from I'm a realist. if there is a half a glass of water on the table it is not half full. its not half empty. Its a half a glass of water until we do something to change it. So when I'm looking at statistics and they say hsv 1 is harder to pass then how come so many people have it? Realistically ones no better than the other really. They're both skin conditions. If a man freaks out over an ingrown hair or a pimple we would think."man what a whiny little bitch. he's not a man " and we move on to the next dude that's not so picky. Same thing with this stuff. Onlu difference is people have different reactions to this skin condition. Sojust out of respect we would warn them upfront in case they had continous bad reactions to this. My personal preference i don't wanna blurt it to the world. I'm gonna tell the guy I'm interested in gettin lucky by and only lime right before we have sex. I don't know i may tweek that up just a bit. that's still up in the air. who knows?i may change my mind and do it sooner if they're cool. I wouldn't disclose to a man tgough before i got to know him really well. I don't go up to a man on the first few dates disclosing my aathma and cat allergies cuz well... it just doesn't look ot sound sexy on my part. Just get to know men and let them hang with you for a while before disclosing. you'll be fi.e.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thanks yall. I guess I am just angry. Hurt more so, which fuels the anger. I just wish he was a good man. But he isn't. I wish he cared. But he don't. And that is something I need and have to accept. Acceptance for myself is hard right now, so accepting someone's shitty excuse for a human being is really hard. I will get there. Thank yall for letting me get it out. I need to let it go. It is just hard when you are trying to let go of what you got going on downstairs on top of letting go of the person who gave it to you not caring.

 

I mean I thought I could do a trial and error thing, go out one night. Walk up to the bar, say hey my name is Sarah. I got herpes, the dude left me, will you buy me a beer? I think letting guys in the future know that the one who gave it to me left me may buy me some compassion, if that person has the right heart.

 

And Adrial you are right. I can heal without him. Anger will destroy me. I just need time to swallow it all and let it settle. It's so strong because it is so recent. Time. I know I need to disclose, it is just the absolute scariest thing I can possibly imagine. I decided on the day I found out that I would not be one of these people who hide it because it isn't right.

 

WCS thank you for the compliment. And you are also right. I hope that in time I will look at this piece of shit human being as a blessing that he didn't stick around. Who knows? Maybe I will mail him a letter and thank him for being such a piece of shit because I eventually found someone to love me and look past their own selfish needs.

 

What a stupid man. What a selfish man.

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

I wouldn't tell someone i just met. What if they're a jerk? And tell other guys who could have really been interested instead of you getting to tell the guys that's really interested. And then they get misinformed and it scares them off. Some people tell everyone but i havnt quite made it there yet.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well I guess I'm the sacrificial lamb, having gone totally public on Facebook...LOL ...

 

*IF* I go back online I plan to put a "full disclosure" section in my profile - probably after the main profile - including a "if you really liked what you read up to this point, and thought you'd like to contact me, then please drop me a line. If nothing else I'll be happy to help you get educated about Herpes!" - or something to that effect.

 

I personally don't care who knows any more (Menopause is a wonderful thing... and Betty White isn't going to have anything on me....LOL!) and I hope this will keep me from having to have "the talk" (at least, in the traditional way) any more.

 

I'll keep you guys updated about my progress :)

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Good luck dancer. You are definitely courageous. It takes a a lot of guts to be able to do it. You seem like a veey strong and confident lady and if it works for anyone it should def work for you.

[WCSDancer2010]

LOL - Courageous maybe.... fed up with the BS associated with Herpes.... definitely!

 

I got to the point that I'd rather know who the assholes in my life are up front. The reaction of the last guy I dated (who wanted to be "friends" after disclosure until I "came out", now won't talk to me at all...) showed me who he was as a "friend". I don't need friends like that. Hope the door didn't hit him on the ass on the way out..... :p

 

One thing I HAVE experienced so far .... is 99% of the replies on FB have been very supportive and loving. Don't know if anyone unfriended me (should have looked at my numbers before) but if they did it was only one or two. I have one guy who is challenging some of the stats and facts but in a solid "dialog" way that is respectful and I'm enjoying educating him (and anyone else who is reading that post).

 

One friend said to me that maybe a man (H+ or not) will come along and appreciate me for the stand I am taking and that my doing this will attract the man I want to me. We'll see. Thus far the Universe has been sending me far too many "life experiences" and I'm ready to get out of school and find HIM. We'll see what they Universe thinks of this project, eh?? :)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

WCS you have got to be one of the most brave people I have ever seen. You make me feel empowered. :) thank you.

[WCSDancer2010]

Glad to help you!.... I attribute it to Menopause... I officially hit the no Bullsh!t zone a few years back...LOL

[WCSDancer2010]

I also truly believe that if we can get these talks out in the open, people will realize that it is MUCH more common than they think and then we can educate and empower both H+ and H- folks around both H and STD's in general. hell, we talk openly about HIV but not Herpes... WTF is up with that?? Time for a change!!

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Agreed, agreed, agreed.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Defeated but trying,

 

this title of your discussion caught my attention. I can for sure relate to your anger. I just joined today and was diagnosis with this in the last 3 weeks. joined this site for support because iI was reading posts about people into telling their partners.

 

I have herpes now because my ex knew for years he has oral and genital herpes but with held that from me . I know I'm only one of many women he has done this to. At least my state; Louisiana is one of about 36 other states that makes his actions criminal. In Louisiana, a person who has any kind of communicable disease passed by sexual means are required to tell tell partners of their status. They are liable whether or not they infect that person . So he and I are going to court. So far he is in agreement on terms of the civil suit. He will be paying for all my care and counseling for the rest of my natural life relating to this. If he dies before me, his estate will continue to provide.If it goes criminal, he could face jail time, fines, and he would go on the sex offender list permanently. He is loses job as a police officer and military.

 

So to your discussion question one whether to tell future partners; YES! He had no right to take my right to choice. He had right to knowingly expose to an incurable disease.

Morally telling potential partners is the right thing to do and some states its a legal must. I know your pain and anger. If was tough for me to tell the person iI recently dated what was going on. He got tested and was negative. When I'm ready to date it will be tough enough and my family is political so that adds to my pressure from this. Its tough swallow getting it from them not knowing they had it. Dont be like my ex. Its not fair.

[WCSDancer2010]

Sarah posted this as a vent - she knows she has to disclose. She was just having a really crappy day ...hence the " (More venting than a legit question.)" after the question .... Go back and read the thread..... Sarah is good people :)

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

wcsdancer2010

Now where in my post did iI say Sarah was bad person nor did i implythat either.. I know Sarah knows she has to disclose. Sharing my story on what its like when someone who knows and doesn't disclose. I admire her strength when she her name etc. Bevause I couldn't and can't.

 

I'm beginging to think through posts between you and I that you just don't agree with something with me and your not reading all my posts carefully. We don't have to agree and there some things that we don't agree on. I respect how u feel and have thanked for for sharing how you feel even when I didn't agree. You on the other hand, are not extending the same to me. On every feed your are someway accusing me of something. I joined this for support etc. Instead you have someway to undermine that because you don't read my posts and because you dolnt agree with me, how i feel about herpes, and where i am iI coping/dealing with what is happening.

[WCSDancer2010]

Going to PM you so we can clear this up :)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

@baffled1 I would never not disclose to someone. I have had a really hard time with this because the guy who gave it to me doesn't give a damn. I was venting. Above I even said,when I was diagnosed I decided I would not be one of those people who didn't tell someone. I am not angry at you and I am sorry you are having a hard time also, but please don't loop me in with your ex. I've only been dealing with this a month now and am working through all of the emotions. I vent here, and that is because no one on the outside of this site knows what I am feeling. I am not that kind of person to not tell someone. I actually had the opportunity to do stuff last night and would not even let the guy put his hand below my waist, long time friend who doesn't know. I left it at kissing and cuddling. I am too scared to give this to someone because it was given to me and I couldn't handle the guilt of putting someone through what I am going through. So please, don't misunderstand me. I understand your anger, I hope you come to peace with this soon, it just takes time.

 

@WCSdancer2010, thank you. :)

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Defeatedbuttrying

no way was i putting you in with my ex. I am so sorry if I said something that made you feel that way!!! I also wasnt implying you would withhold and again, if i said something that made you feel that way i appologize for that as well.

I was just trying to give a perspective on what it felt like to get given herpes from someone with knew he had it and withheld that. Giving an explanation of what type of person he is sheds light on why I will never be able to understand and know why heaway it.