10 years Anniversary, time to turn the light on

[CharlieB]

Only two days ago, while searching for hypnosis videos on skin disease and trying helplessly to find yet another way to live with H better, I found you, Adrial, and your video on the "Shamelessness Movement". You blew me away. I suddenly felt so inspired, lifted up.. and watched almost all of your other videos that night.

 

Something clicked. For years I carried this heavy secret and worked so hard on myself to try and accept it, to deal with the shame, the fear of being contagious. I have received support from my closest friends and family and a couple of lovers who have been so generous and understanding, but my problem was that their kind words didn't feel so comforting because I felt deep down, as they didn't have H, they couldn't really understand what I was going through. The pain, the fear, the heaviness of the secret.

 

I would like to share my story with you because I believe somehow I just found the missing piece of why it has been so painful to live like that, whereas I managed to overcome so many other challenges in my life through introspection and Spiritual growth.

 

I am a 32 years old woman, I live in Western Europe.

I have had 5 partners, and caught HSV2 from my first boyfriend at the end of a 4 years relationship. I was 22.

I always had an issue with trusting men somehow, and always told him if he ever cheated on me that would be the end of us. Looking back I think he saw in this an opportunity and had a one night stand because he wanted us to break up.

We slept together one last night to say "goodbye", unprotected because he assured me he used a condom with the other girl. The mistake.. not only I was devastated from the separation, a few months later I had my first excruciating outbreak.

 

When it happened, I was already in another relationship, around 4 months on, and I was devastated.

Even though we were at the beginning of our story, my BF reacted with such love and openness, even saying things like "don't worry I won't get it, my immune system is super strong".. no rejection whatsoever from him.

But what happened in my head was a different story: I clearly remember thinking, well that's it, I will have to stay with him forever, I hope it works, because I am poisonous now. I was so ashamed, I felt like a whore.

We stayed together 5 years, I had outbreaks often but we managed to live with it well, and he caught it towards the 4th year, we were stable and didn't use condoms. Even then, for him, it was not a big deal...

Unfortunately, if it seemed idyllic on that H topic, we had other big issues, and I had to leave.

 

I took the time to recover, I went to live at my parents again, an important time out where I dived deep into my distorted beliefs about relationships, men, women.

 

I understood the reasons of why I would believe most men were liars, unfaithful, and also why I had issues with my own femininity and actually sexuality. I realized most of my life I played what I thought was expected of me in bed, I wanted to please my partners, to be the cool girl, and actually felt that the Herpes was now a great excuse not to get too close to a potential lover and consequently not get my heart broken again.

 

Then I met a guy I stayed 3 months with, who I had the most difficulty to discloser to, but again, he took it really lightly and made no big deal out of it.

 

I had long periods of being single and looking for a true, beautiful connexion.

 

I found it with a wonderful man, we shared such profound conversations, sensitivity and spirituality, he was too good to be true to me. The night we spent together was magical, my first one night stand, a great lesson, since, ironically, for the first time I felt truly respected, in symbiosis actually, and not taken advantage of. It happened suddenly and I didn't tell him about H, I felt a bit guilty and worried he got it (as always), but hopefully not, we protected ourselves.

In my mind we were starting something but sadly, despite our special relationship, after a short while he withdrawn and preferred to be friends only.

 

I found a new job and moved abroad. I work in a big international company were most of the people are young, dynamic and from far away, campus style.

I am telling this because it is part of why and how I now understand the big key in accepting my Herpes.

I love being here and I made great friends. One of the negative point though, is that there is a strong gossip tendency, especially regarding who goes out with who and all these personal things that people like to talk about..

 

 

I didn't mind being single for a few years, but now I am longing to meet someone to share my life with.

Deep in my heart I want to live and build a beautiful stable relationship.

I recently realized how H was dictating me, I have outbreaks often, and especially when I start being romantically interested

in someone. It drives me crazy. I fear that even though I could find a nice BF, I might have outbreaks so often that I could not have sex with him, and consequently be a crappy girlfriend for that. I feel like a bad surprise gift. It is strange because I literally never got rejected because of the H, and didn't have so many outbreaks when I was in a relationship.

 

One night I decided to sleep with a guy from work I was physically attracted to, I new that it would be it just for the night, and that we were not meant for more. We had a pretty wild time, never spoke or really saw each other again (I knew he would leave town soon after) but started for me the most painful outbreak I have ever had.

It took me 2 months of being patient and then my doctor gvae me a

 

Two days ago, while listening to you, Adrial, I got this "ahah" moment. Suddenly, everything made sense. All the dots connected. All of them. Here is why:

 

I realized that my first fear was not rejection from a partner, but the gossip, the mass judgment, the outcast concept.

That is why I keep it so secret, like a paranoia.

 

There is something I literally forgotten about a childhood event, that came back to life.

When I was 10, I had an older neighbor/ friend, who was pretty controlling and strong. I was influenceable and reserved.

We spent most of our time together, and at some point experimented with each other, sexually.

For some reason, it was repeated to others, and then started this massive gossip that I was a Lesbian ( not her, just me, by the way) and older kids would threaten to come and tell my parents who had a store in town.

 

I had no ressource to deal with this. I was so scared that my parents would hear that, something that wasn't really true, but in the same time where I was guilty of. I couldn't defend myself and felt so ashamed.

I don't think I ever told anyone actually. Time passed by and I forced myself to erase it.

 

But now I see clearly. This trauma was a starting point of shame linked to intimacy, sexuality.

The feeling of being inappropriate or taken advantage of, the "pain" of being a woman and attract men for the wrong reasons, all these things that my Herpes both enhanced and also protected me against.

 

Indeed, I am traumatized by the out of proportion aspect of a gossip, and this is the main reason I keep safe in being single.

This same reason that makes me feel so depressed sometimes when I don't see how I could get away from this.

 

But now I have found you guys, and I could not wait to tell my story.

I am still a pretty reserved person, and I cannot believe actually I am giving you all these details about my life.

 

But deep down, I know it is for good reasons.

I hope that you will also have your "ahah" moment for understanding and dealing with the emotions of having Herpes.

 

I hope that this live psychotherapy of mine is also the final puzzle piece I needed to live fully free.

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

[hope75]

Thank you for sharing this, and I am so please that after so long you are healing yourself. Its good to have you here xx

[WCSDancer2010]

Charlieb - First - Welcome! Sooooooo glad you found us! So many people go through their whole lives dealing with the shame and stigma of Herpes (however/whatever that brings up for them) thinking they are alone in this journey. You are not alone and now you have people to support you and help you in your healing...

 

And I have to say.... thank you sooo much for sharing so honestly and with so much transparency. I know your words will land for someone else (as Adrial's videos did for you) and they will see another piece of *their* puzzle fall into place. That is the beauty of these forums.... I see a little piece of myself in many of the stories I read, and in doing so, I heal a little more.

 

You sound like you are doing a great job of peeling back the layers of your onion and getting to the real issues that have been hidden from your view. And I am sure Adrial will come on here soon and say something profound that will blow us both away (he has such a way of getting to the heart of the matter!). But until then, Welcome again....

 

Feel free to come on as much as you need to to vent, share, and support. We are here for you!

 

(((HUGS)))

[Rogue1313]

So nice to meet you and I'm glad you found us too! We all need each other and you're needed here as well! Thank you for sharing that story. It was so profound and taught me a few things as well! So glad you are part of our giant little family!

[abc123]

Thank you for posting your story. Mine is a bit different. Your words and honesty are helpful.

[CharlieB]

Thank you all for your warm welcome !!! I am so glad I found this amazing site..

Stronger Together :) *heart* !!!

 

[mr_hopp]

Hey! I don't know how I missed this one. This is AWESOME. :)

 

I feel so touched hearing your words. And I'm impressed by your introspection and self-awareness. I'm so honored that you trust our community to share yourself deeply like this. Whenever we can share ourselves deeply in a place we can trust, deep healing can take place. And it's about choosing to trust where we feel is deserving of our trust. So that's why it feels extra special that you share with us here. Reclaiming trust for yourself. So that you can come out from hiding. Into the light. That's the only way. When there is trust and safety and acceptance ... and love.

 

I'm so glad you have you here, CharlieB.

 

What a wonderful addition to our positive (in more ways than one) family. ;)

[nic4897]

We are most definitely stronger together :) Welcome, CharlieB! *hearts* back atcha

[CharlieB]

Thank you so much, Adrial.

I hope you know how unbelievably inspiring you are..

Like you said, H is a magnifying glass, revealing all the details that makes us who we are, and how much we can grow and expand to become even more beautiful, Loving persons.

A special guide to discover ourselves..

You inspired me to open up here, a big chunk of shame is gone, I honestly never thought it would be possible.

 

To Family !!!