I never want to disclose herpes to partners

[Strawberrygirl]

I know this is not moral of me. Im 20 years old, just found out a week ago. I got GH from a one night stand.

 

I have had 2 bfs and two one night stands only. Very bad luck yes.

 

There is a guy from college that we are growing fond of each other a LOT.

 

I do not intend in disclosing this. I live in Europe. I will protect him of course, go on meds and condoms always.

 

Ive read plenty of stories of partners never infecting the negative partner for more than 15 years.

 

I will only reveal this once i consider it could be a potential partner for life. I dont want this shit to ruin my life.

 

I refuse this to change my life. Ive always been a healthy, balanced girl. Ive always been a kind, caring, loving person.

 

I DONT deserve this. I will never accept this will change my life.

[mr_hopp]

Hi Strawberrygirl,

 

Thank you for sharing this. Why are you telling us this? Do you want to be validated in your decision or are you just telling us? Are you open to feedback and ideas or is this a final decision of yours? I do hope you'll be open to hearing our feedback and understanding that it's coming from the heart.

 

You do sound quite angry. And I totally understand. I remember being absolutely FURIOUS. And under the fury, after I dug a bit deeper, what I found was a deep, tender sadness. Hurting. Pain. A sadness that came from a belief that because I have herpes, I was now not going to be enough. That I was now unlovable. The anger was guarding my tender, hurting heart. And I've seen it time and time again on these forums when anger shows up. I'm in touch with your anger, and I'm also in touch with your hurting heart. Know that.

 

And also know that not telling partners about herpes is what perpetuates the stigma that it's a deceitful, shameful disease. It's only those things because we buy into that and then treat it like it's something to be ashamed of. That has us hide and not tell partners. Anyone who you want to be physically intimate with also deserves emotional intimacy, too. If you're separating those two things with your sexual partners, now's your opportunity to join them together. Sex isn't just to get off. You can do that with a dildo. Sex is about going deeper into the experience of connection with another human being. And that includes letting them in on something that can impact their sexual health. Check in with your heart now ... Does it really want someone else to possibly get herpes by you not disclosing? There is always the possibility, even with protection and meds. I promise you that if your integrity isn't audible now, it will be screaming at you if you do give herpes to someone else by knowingly holding that vital piece of sexual information from them.

 

Having herpes will change your life. There's no getting around that. Now will it change your life in the direction of more integrity or less? That is your choice. And either choice will have impacts on your future.

 

And it is ultimately your choice. I'm not here to tell you what you SHOULD do or chastise and scold you for not doing the right thing. What I do want for you is for you to listen to your heart, your conscience and your integrity. Those will lead you in the way that will serve you over the long run.

 

P.S. Have you read the e-book yet? You may just not see that there is another way to have the disclosure talk that is actually positive and has the huge potential to bring the right person even closer to you instead of pushing them away. Here's where you can get the e-book: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

[WCSDancer2010]

Strawberrygirl: First - welcome. You are in the perfect place to work through your Herpes journey. We've all been/are there to some point or other.

 

Just putting this out there (I'm in my 50's and lived with this since I was around your age so I've seen and heard a LOT of Herpes stories). You are far more likely to end up with worse heartache if you don't disclose until you deem the person to be a potential life partner. Why? Because anyone you do not disclose to early on will much more likely feel that the relationship was started on a lie. There are plenty on here who will tell you their stories of exactly that - they chose to not disclose until the relationship was "established" only to have the person walk not because of the Herpes, but because they felt they were not given a choice and trust is lost. For *me* - a relationship started on a lie is not one I would want to be in.... I would always wonder what else the person might withhold from me :(

 

And NOBODY "deserves" this. Most people get it from one random mistake ... or they get it from someone who didn't even know they had it in a LTR ... it doesn't really matter HOW you got it..... it just sucks but life isn't fair and its how we react to things that matters. Just because someone else acted either out of ignorance or they had no integrity doesn't mean you have to do the same. Yes - you can do all the right things and take precautions but all it takes is one drunken night (I remember my 20's all too well ... well, MOST of it!) and you could lose a friend or potential life partner if you passed this on to them.

 

herpes can act as a great filter to help you find a REAL man who is deserving of knowing you on a deeply intimate level sexually ... if you don't feel safe about telling them about your status, they may not be a great candidate as a life partner either :/

 

Herpes doesn't have to change your life. And it doesn't take away from the great person that you are. If anything, it will help you to learn more about yourself ... and in slowing things down until you feel safe to tell a man about your status, you will weed out a LOT of guys who you might look back on and say "What the HELL did I see in him??" BEFORE you get intimate (which I find ends up making it harder to see those things that won't work for you)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Strawberrygirl]

Hi, thank you for your support.

But i just know that If i tell the guy i really like now he will run away.

Not because he isnt the right guy for me. Just because he is young, and there are plenty of other girls he can date. Therefore, why risk it with someone that has my problem?

Our relationship may not last forever, hence he would not be stupid enough to risk it.

 

I am not willing to remain single until im old enough to start finding potential partners for life. I just cant. I will get so depressed. I deserve to be loved.

I dont understand why god is punishing me. I dont care, i will continue with my life.

I just dont understand why disclosing is such a big deal. When i know i can perfectly protect my partners and that transmission rates are extremely low if i use all the precautions needed.

What if i find the love of my life, but he turns me down because of my disease? Dont give me the whole talk of "well he wasnt the ONE as you thought". Of course he would be, but due to my unlucky condition I will end up alone, weeding out all perfectly good partners for myself? This means I need to lower my standards, and beg each of them for their love and compassion?

 

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. I refuse to. Im so angry, why is disclosure such a big thing.

Reading all the posts makes me feel guilty about the life decision I am choosing of never disclosing. But this is how it is.

We all take risks with our partners, in believing they are healthy. I may as well not know, be asymptomatic and that would be worse. At least they have the benefit that i know, so im pretty safe to be with when you think about it that way.

[Strawberrygirl]

be honest, how many times did you disclose and how many times did they reject you? Please be honest with your answers.

Are you currently in a relationship? What age did you both find out about your herpes?

[Strawberrygirl]

If you did have relationships, them knowing about it etc.

Did you transmit it to anyone?

[Strawberrygirl]

im going to be alone forever :(

i had everything going on for me. Great friends, great family, awesome education.

Plenty of guys interested in me. Now finally finding that one person that i know i can fall in love with. Ive never been in love, not even with my exes.

I cant believe this. Whatever you tell me, i just know they will all refuse to be with me. Maybe not when im 28, and find a future husband. But now my life is ruined. I hate myself. I might commit suicide. Why bother living now

[mr_hopp]

I feel really sad reading all of this. Not to "make" you feel guilty or anything of the sort. That's not my intention. I just remember all those feelings that you're feeling when I first found out. So my compassion is totally kicking in.

 

And please don't kill yourself. Don't make me come over there and lovingly shake some sense into you. Do you see how much power you're giving a skin condition?

 

And if you are making that definitive statement that you'll be alone forever, then that will be true if you let it. (And please don't speak like this is a universal truth for all of us. Because it's not. It's simply the truth that you're choosing to take on right now. And it's highly stigmatized.) Any decision you make based on something in your life you can make true. You're getting rejected by multiple guys in your head before even seeing if that's close to true. If you want to find an opportunity in this, then you can. There are PLENTY of success stories on this site if you decide to focus on those. If you don't want to and want to stay in denial about this, then that's your choice, too.

 

The truth is, if you were to really get your hands dirty and do your best to find stories of epic failure and rejection, you'll be able to find them. And if you look for stories of epic success and deep love, you'll be able to find those, too. Which ones will you be putting your energy into finding?

 

Again, you're not going to convince us that you're going to be alone forever or that we will be alone forever, but you could convince yourself of that easily. And it sounds like you're doing an awesome job of that so far ... And that's unfortunate. Not for us. But for you. I'm not going to put my energy into convincing you of something, but I will put my energy into continuing to support you through this healing process. I hope that you do come around and take responsibility for how you are intimate with future partners. And what's more important to me now is that you feel supported wherever you are right now and in whatever you're feeling. Because it's all valid. All these feelings of anger and denial are perfectly valid. In fact, denial is the first stage of the healing process.

 

I'm totally with WCS on this one:

"You are far more likely to end up with worse heartache if you don't disclose until you deem the person to be a potential life partner. Why? Because anyone you do not disclose to early on will much more likely feel that the relationship was started on a lie."

 

Yes. Totally. If you are ultimately looking for love, then love means being vulnerable and open with a partner. Not just sexually, but vulnerably open in everything, including your fears and what you're ashamed of.

 

So continue to get it all out here and we will continue to support you. Please don't act on these negative fantasies, but see them as just that: Fantasies. You get to heal right now. Be single for now until you can truly heal. You get to create the life you want in this. I promise you.

[mr_hopp]

By the way, have you read this post? Your post and lamme's have a lot in common, so it may help to see that you're not alone in this ...

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1888/alone-forever/p1

[Strawberrygirl]

okay, yes i read it before. ive read pretty much all of them.

and for a week ive been reading over and over all success stories from different websites. that gave me hope. but now im beginning to realize that these are only a few stories that people post....i dont know how it goes for the majority of people who have this.

Adrial how did your disclosures go?

[WCSDancer2010]

Whoa Strawberry Girl.... really! Take it from someone who has lived nearly their whole life with this... you life is NOT over and it is really not anywhere near as bad as it feels right now. I hear your fears, frustration, and emotional pain - I promise, it DOES get better when you get to where you can accept this and learn how to use it to help you grow and find the right partner.

 

If what you said was true "im going to be alone forever " - then there would be a whole hell of a lot of single people out there and very few in relationships. 80% of the population has Herpes. There are many, MANY people who have disclosed who are in wonderful relationships..... http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1756/success-stories-of-ltrs-where-one-partner-has-herpes-and-one-doesnt#Item_11

 

For me:

 

When I got HSV2 (the late 70's) there wasn't a lot of info and it was just accepted as a nuisance issue...but I didn't find out I had it until after I was married. They were even worse back then about testing than they are now and the tests were not as accurate. I found out my diagnosis after I had passed it to my ex (as I thought it was a Heat rash until that point) I got HSV1 orally as a child. Who knows who I may have given either to before I was diagnosed .... :(

 

Since my divorce I have had 2 long term (3 yrs each) relationships with H- men who accepted me WITH my Herpes. One got off to a rocky start because of his fears but he soon got over them...we went our separate ways for other reasons. I took 3 years off dating to get to know me better and in this last year, I've had 1 man who would have been ok with the Herpes (but I soon learned he had another GF so I ended that right there and then) and I have had 2 that didn't get very far - one which claimed that the H was the issue - but both of these guys were also rebounding and were really not ready to commit. AND the one that used H as an excuse has since proven himself to not be the kind of guy I want in my life through other behavior...so the H did me a favor there.

 

"i had everything going on for me. Great friends, great family, awesome education."

 

NONE of that has changed for you. Believe me. I actually just went public about my Herpes (so I could be a force of change around the stigma that you are feeling) and besides the douche-bag guy I have only had love and support for what I am doing. In fact, I have had people reveal to me that they had it and had not told anyone because of the stigma...and they were glad to have someone to talk to. Coming out didn't change ANYTHING with my real friends.

 

I know you are having a hard time seeing this right now because your view is clouded by anger and frustration. And I totally hear that you want to be able to party and have "fun" .... but really, I look back at those times and I realize that those hook-ups and whatever were not at all fulfilling ... they were just my attempt to find "love" (ie, get rid of loneliness and "validate" me) in all the wrong ways.

 

And you may well find that a lot of the guys already have H when you reveal and then it becomes a non-issue and you have started with an honest, clean slate.

 

Keep reading on here - especially the success stories - so you can really get the message from others that you CAN find love with Herpes..... promise

 

 

(((HUGS)))

[mr_hopp]

All of my disclosure conversations have ended up bringing us closer together. There was one disclosure where she didn't want to risk it. And ultimately looking back on it, I didn't really want a relationship with her. The way I went into the disclosure conversation was already defeated and ashamed. It was early on in my herpes journey. :) Since then, having the herpes talk for me signals that I'm ready to take the relationship to the next level, that I trust our connection so far to share something with her that's vulnerable for me to share.

 

Half of the disclosure conversation is us and our own feelings about ourselves and beliefs about herpes. The other half is how the other person responds. Our half is totally up to us and how we feel about this whole thing.

[Strawberrygirl]

are you currently in a relationship?

 

how old where you when you found out?

How did they react to your disclosures? Did the one who rejected you tell everybody else about your condition?

[Equanimous]

Hey there,

 

Came across this talk recently. It deals with vulnerability and how opening ourselves to the possibility of rejection (by being vulnerable) could also be the best step that one can take towards finding true connection. Hope you like it.

 

 

Hang in there! It will get better with time. Like everything else in life you will get a better perspective over this with time. And you can always turn to this place for support.

[Strawberrygirl]

did you transmit it to them?

[mr_hopp]

Yep, currently in the most loving and connected relationship of my life. It's wonderful. And when I first found out I had herpes back in 2005, I never thought that would be possible. But of course, I was dead wrong. So careful what assumptions you make.

 

I get curious about why that's important to you? What if the answer was that I'm single? Would that give you ammo to prove to yourself that you'll be single, too? Ultimately success stories or stories of failure won't ultimately dictate how our lives will be. Ultimately, the only thing that will dictate how our lives will be is our own choices.

 

The one who rejected didn't tell anyone else. It was a non-issue, really. We both just went our separate ways.

 

The rest of the disclosures culminated in increased trust and closeness. They were actually quite beautiful and brought us closer together.

 

And ultimately I don't want this to turn into an Adrial interview here. :)

 

The point is, herpes for me has truly been an opportunity for deeper connection with partners and friends. That's why I created this website to support other people in realizing that, too.

[mr_hopp]

Equanimous, I LOVE Brene Brown! Here's an article I wrote on that video exactly a while back! :)

http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes/

[Strawberrygirl]

well im happy for you.

i just dont think ill be as lucky as you.

would you honestly risk telling the guy i like from college about my problem?

My uni is very small, and rumours spread incredibly fast. We have plenty of friends in common. I dont want this to ruin my friendships.

We are so young and immature, im afraid how he'll react. i just cant risk it now.

if it was a different situation, someone with no connection to my friends from a different environment...then sure i would try.

 

But Adrial, the problem is that we both like each other soo much, and he is so caring and sweet. Everytime i feel ill or whatever he is there for me, he does the grocery shopping for me if i feel ill. But i just know how he'll react, i just know. we're young, he wont understand.

[WCSDancer2010]

"would you honestly risk telling the guy i like from college about my problem?"

 

ONLY when he has earned the rightto that trust. One thing I have found is that H makes me slow down how fast I get physical in a relationship ...which has been good because once I go there my mind shuts off and I ignore the red flags that are flashing right in front of me and I end up staying in a relationship that us ultimately doomed or not healthy for me for much longer than I should.

 

Its very easy for us women (even us "older" ones ;) ) to let ourselves think we have to give up the goodies to keep the guy's attention. When in reality, most men appreciate if if you are not too eager to jump into bed with them ...

 

So how's about trying this on? Allow your friendship to develop slowly and naturally. It sounds like it is off to a good start. At some point you will KNOW when he has proven to be deserving of knowing your status ... you will know that whatever his reaction he you can trust him with this information. Don't go there until he EARNS the right to see your vulnerability.....

 

THIS is the filter we talk about. It really does help you to find much better quality partners because we sloooow down and keep the hormones out of the equation a little longer... and in the long run, that's a really good thing :)

[mr_hopp]

Don't you see that has little to do with luck? It's about you being your beautiful self and being in full integrity with your heart. And trusting your intuition on whether you can trust guys with your vulnerability. If you don't feel that you can trust them to keep a secret that you ask them to keep, then why would you trust them to have sex with? And yes, your secret could get out. Relationships are always risky, regardless of whether you have herpes or not. And that's why trust is so important. You may not be ready to go deeper into relationship with this guy. And that's not a bad thing. If you're not ready to disclose, then you're not ready to have sex. Explain to him how important he is to you and how important it is for you to get to know each other as friends. Trust yourself on when you are ready to take the relationship to the next level. The signal will be if you can trust him with your heart and vulnerability.

[mr_hopp]

(Whoa, WCS! We posted at the same moment. And look how close our responses are. :) Uncanny.)

[Strawberrygirl]

u know whats fascinating...ive always had premonitions, i dreamt about the tsunami in thailand, they day before.i dreamt about the train accident in Spain tht happened this year, 4 days before it happened. i dreamt about my sister getting pregnant. ive always had psychic experiences since small. i can see people's aura from time to time. i also dreamt once about my crush's sister who had died long time ago, id dint even know he had had a sister.

Anyway my point is...

Whats incredible is that since i was 16, i used to cry sometimes coz i knew something horrible was going to happen to me around the age of 19-20. I didnt know what, i thought maybe death. I just knew. Then forgot about it, thought it was just me being pessimistic. and here i am.

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Herpes aside as a 30 yr old giving a 20 old advice that took me up until a few yrs ago to figure this out. What i read in between the actual words you type is the same mindset i had up until a few years ago. You think for a man to love you and want a partnership with u, u have to have sex. Now with herpes you are thinking (if i can just put it on him one good time he will see how amazing i am in bed and he will love me) But the truth is herpes aside a man will love who he will and when he's ready. If he's not ready to settle down he won't. It won't matter if your kate winslet with with the magical vagina made of gold. He has to be ready and it has to be ur mind soul and heary he connects to. things that the body has absolutely nothing to do with. you deserve someone you can be yourself with and not have to pretend 24/7 everythings ok. When i decided if i ever meet soneone special that i disclose it was as much for me as it was for them. No one could be a true mate to me if i had to hide the fact that sometimes i get bad days because of herpes. And as u get older you're gonna want something real and not shallow or a superficial relationship.

[mr_hopp]

Peach, gosh you're awesome. :)

 

And a vagina of gold doesn't sound too comfortable, but it does sound super valuable! ;)

 

And I love what you're saying there, too, aside from it being hilarious. Spot on.

 

And Strawberry, yes, your sex life is now officially changed forever. The question is, how will you change it for the best? This really could be your Opportunity (yes, with a capital O!). And with each post, you continue to choose negativity and a dark cloud of pessimism. There's a difference between being negative and being angry. Being negative about life perpetuates anger. You have a choice when you want to shift out of the gutter way of thinking. Here comes the tough love ... ;) Yes, you have herpes, but your thoughts are what you are doing to yourself. If you want to be happier, you need to first decide that you want to be happy. It sounds like you're actually convincing yourself to be miserable. A lot of heartfelt support is surrounding you right now and your responses are insisting on a negative future. Just see that and notice that without judging it. Isn't that fascinating? A big part of you wants to be happy, but then insists on being negative. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. (And no, I don't mean to call you a horse.) ;)

[WCSDancer2010]

"(Whoa, WCS! We posted at the same moment. And look how close our responses are. Uncanny.)"

 

Great minds think alike :D