I never want to disclose herpes to partners

[Strawberrygirl]

Ok, ill try to be positive.

Are there many success stories of people about my age?

Because i feel like all these succesful disclosures are people around the age of 30, ready to commit for marriage.

[mr_hopp]

Ah, big sigh. Big smile. :) Hearing you even CONSIDERING positivity is having me relax a bit. For your sake. I can only imagine the toll that all of this negativity is having on your system.

 

And to answer your question, there are plenty of success stories on this forum if you look around. And there are plenty of success stories out there with people your age, too. What determines a lot from their end is open-mindedness/compassion and what sort of relationship they're looking for. And no, it doesn't have to be marriage. Stop being so black and white, will you? ;) Plenty of people see past a skin condition if they see who you are and want to get to know you better on multiple levels beyond just sex.

 

And you know what? I want you to make your own success story, Strawberrygirl. Don't make it necessary for you to accumulate "proof" out there in order for you to see it as possible.

[jetset_2002]

Hey Strawberrygirl! I understand how you are feeling right now, you are looking for some concrete examples of success from people in your situation. You are right, the "success stories" seem to be older people who are ready to marry and just need to find their true one love, or people (like me) already in a loving relationship (and after 30). What about college kids that wants do date, have a few sexual adventures and be free?

 

Well, I'm here to tell you that i think you can sleep around and date all you want a long as you stay safe. This skin condition isn't exactly an uncommon one nor is it dangerous. Ive got HSV-1 in my genital area, thats the same one 80% of the population carries and what gives a lot of people cold sores. Would you ask someone if they have it before you kiss them? No, you just don't kiss them if they have a big sore on their lip and you don't have sex if you have an outbreak. Simple as that.

 

I got genital warts in college and knew it was a permanent thing, so i just used condoms and when i got into a more serious relationship i told her about it before she got on the pill. Her reaction: whatever, most people have that, don't they?

 

Also, this might be something to hold you back from doing things that will make you feel bad. I could live without most of the drunken one night stands I've had in my life, what matters are the people I've connected with on a spiritual level and those people won't let herpes or any other common and non-lethal skin condition come between you, and it if does, well so what, they can find someone else to sleep with.

 

Most importantly, take some time to let this sink in and come to terms with your new reality. You will find its not as bad as you think. I felt like SHIT 3 days ago and now i already feel better, my mind is healing as quick as my sores. This is not going to define me.

 

Since i got my diagnose i amuse myself with wondering how many of the people at a work meeting has herpes, and who is having an outbreak right now. Statistically, most likely one or two!

 

Take care of yourself and hugs!

[Strawberrygirl]

Ok, so you are saying the opposite?

That it is okay for me not to disclose as long as i always am super safe?

[mr_hopp]

jetset ... There's a crack in your logic, though. You can still pass herpes when you don't have an outbreak, so just avoiding having sex when you don't have an outbreak doesn't quite cut it as far as integrity goes ... The only way for us to get rid of the stigma is to talk about it to those who deserve to know, not hide it more.

[WCSDancer2010]

SG - Here's the thing..

 

Someone wasn't in integrity around telling you that they had Herpes and now you have it. And you know how it's making you feel. What if you don't disclose and you hit the "Powerball Lotto" of STD's and you give it to a guy even with taking all those precautions. Do you want to live with that on your conscience? Or would you rather give them the choice to take that 1-2% risk of getting it from you and if they DID get unlucky, its because of THEIR choice to take the risk, nor your choice to not disclose.

 

If someone gets it from you knowing the risks they are more likely accept it as just bad luck (and stay with you) than they are if they found out later that you knew and didn't tell them (and now have a breach of trust with you).

 

Or - to put it another way - wouldn't YOU have preferred that the person who gave you H had told you ahead of time so you could have decided if they were worth the risk? IE; you might have decided the one night stand guy wasn't really worth the risk but the BF was.

 

As they say - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (this coming from an Atheist but I agree with it 100% :) ... Think about that.... ;)

[Xtina420]

Strawberry,

I'm now in my late 20's but I got herpes when I was 21. I was already in a relationship and I knew I had to tell them. He kinda just shrugged it off and didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't get another outbreak until I was 27. I was with the same guy still but i felt embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't tell him that I had another outbreak. I kept it all inside. This year I'm now on my fourth outbreak and I still didn't tell him about them until last night. He was completely understanding. I think this whole idea of herpes is just the stigma that surrounds it. You feel dirty and like no one will love you because you have it. That's so not true. Your soul mate is out there and he will love you for you. If they can't deal with it then they aren't meant to be with you. Simple as that. You're an amazing person and herpes does not define who you are. Look at me! I'm with a guy that knows I've had it since I was 21 and I was still scared to tell him when I was having an outbreak. Keeping things bottled in is not healthy. I spent all day in bed yesterday crying my eyes out about my outbreak. When he came home from work I told him about it and he made me feel so much better. The truth sets you free. I'm still trying to keep positive about it because that's all you can do now. One day at a time but it will get better if you stay positive about it.

Xoxo

[Aerial2013]

OMG...to wittness and be a part of SUCH an amazing group of men and women...I am absolutely speechless! Well, not so much, LOL! It is afterall, the curse of estrogen to never be w/out words!! :-D

 

I wasn't your age, SG, when I was diagnosed. In fact, I'm definitely more than old enough to be your mother, so I hope you won't disregard me adding that while H didn't leave me on the edge of self destruction @ 20, another very particular life trauma did. I was convinced that my life was completely over, my freedom was robbed, my body would forever be a sort of prison, true love would never find me, and that in order to protect myself I must adopt a "hurt them before they have a chance to hurt me" philosophy. Of course, when I had my first o/b 4 monthss ago, all of those feelings and more came to the surface of my existence. Had I found a place like this @20 to be completely open and real about my true feelings, it would have saved me 24 yrs of living in a prison without bars. H has literally provided me with an Opportunity to look at and get real about my deepest feelings. Stuff I thought I'd dealt with is now coming to the surface for me to take a new look at. I have a "friend" I'm getting to know, and it is by far the most genuine I've ever been in that process. I know for a FACT I would not be ABLE to engage in such a genuine way with this man if it weren't for H.

 

I felt a deep ache in my heart for you as I read through all of this, and I have tears in my eyes to see just how many posts came through so quickly to reach out to a total stranger we view as a "friend" because we relate to what you have shared. We may not have all been at the same exact stage of life as you, certainly aren't from the same place in the world, and could list a whole plethera of things we may not exactly have in common. BUT, what connects us are the FEELINGS. They are ageless and timeless and know no borders. Our prisons of shame, defeat, isolation, anger, bitterness, revenge, hopelessness, etc....these are what we share.

 

So welcome, new friend! You WILL navigate this in a way that is positive and appropriate for your journey. You will find value in yourself that transcends all the things you thought were so important before H, and you will continue to find friendship, purpose and meaning should you choose to keep searching here.

 

WOW! I am SO glad you reached out with the kind of brass honesty you did. You, dear friend, actually do have a warriors heart!

 

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Strawberry girl,

I wish to tell you my story, some here alreadyI know. I Am 39yrs I come from a highly political and socialite family. I have had very sexual partners for my age.

I just recently foundI have it. Why do I have it? My ex knew for years that heads oral and genital herpes and didn't tell me before hand. I'm am beyond angry and devastated that he took my right choice away to make an informed decision. In fact I am only 1 of many women he knowingly exposed to herpes. in my state, Louisiana, USA, there are laws for this. In LA, everyone who has a communicable must inform potential partners before intimacy whether they infect the person or not. He and I are going court. There may criminal but civil for sure, he will be order to pay for counseling and any/all medical expenses for my natural life. If he dies before me, his estate will have to provide before anything else.

my life has been changed forever by his selfish and thoughtless actions. If he had not known iI would not be angry still devevasted but not angry. No one has the right to take the right of choice away from anyone.

I also want to that there is someone in my life who very much wants to be more than friends with me. He is also aware that up till today when all my results have finally come back that I knew I had at the very least been exposed to herpes( HSV2). To this point, he says he doesn't not care and wants to be very much apart of my life as my friend and more. I will have the conversation tonight with him that based on my understanding I definitely have it. II'm sure his answer will be the same because in his mind, he was thinking the worst of me having and still wanting to be with me so if I ended up negative, thatwpuld be fine.

It has only been about 3 weeks since I started learning I may have it. Believe me, there are not enough words to describe the amount hurt, distress, anger, etc I am feeling

I know you understand the emotions of trying to deal with this. I wanted you hear my story to get a perspective from someone who got hurt because they did withhold their status. I know you live in Europe, louisiana is 1 of 36 states in the US to make it criminal as well. This could be the same in Europe.You are very young with your whole life ahead of you. You will find someone who love you, have babies, and life a fulfilled life.

[abc123]

Baffled-- I have been following your entire story. I can understand why you are very angry and upset. Our stories are similar, mine is a bit different. I have just joined and have been spending every evening here just reading and following people's stories. It has been helpful because I don't have anyone to talk to. Thank you to everyone here. I don't know how I would be surviving right now if I didn't find this site.

[Aimee (previously baffled1]

Abc123

thank you for your words of support. I would love to hear your story if you wish to share it.

[Strawberrygirl]

thank you all. I just need to accept that i wont be able to date the men that i genuinely love. Whatever ill have to lower my standards and basically beg anyone to love me. I get it. My love life is over.

Ill try to find someone that im not too disgusted of. Disclose, risk and see where it goes.

No attractive, interesting man will ever be interested in being with me no matter how much he loves me as a person. I will have to go for uneducated, stupid, unattractive men. This is my life. Now i understand.

[mr_hopp]

I support you in feeling how you're feeling, but I don't support you in pigeonholing yourself into a corner of being sad and "having to go for uneducated, stupid, unattractive men." Really? You're not being fair to yourself. And if you won't stick up for yourself, then I will! :)

 

Do you hear all of what we have been saying? If you have, then you are choosing to ignore it. And that is up to you. And there's only so much I can do or any of us can do to offer to help you shift into a more self-empowered mode. You are creating this future for yourself as we speak. You have to WANT to be happy. But if you want to use herpes as "proof" that your life is ruined forever, then it can be that for you if you want it to be.

 

Remember that movie The Matrix? It's kind of like that. :) I can practically SEE the computer code stringing around you as you say those powerful words. And those words and beliefs are swallowing you whole. I can try to say more words back to you, but if you insist on your self-limiting words being your truth, then you are making a decision every time you say them. Check this out on the power of words (and watch the TED Talk video, too!) ...

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-wordplay-the-power-of-words/

 

“It’s not just about the words, it’s about what we believe about people when we name them with these words. It’s about the value behind the words and how we construct those values. Our language affects our thinking, and how we view the world, and how we view other people. In fact, many ancient societies — including the Greeks and the Romans — believed that to utter a curse verbally was so powerful because to say the thing out loud brought it into existence. So what reality do we want to call into existence? A person who is limited, or a person who is empowered?”

[Strawberrygirl]

Okay, i perfectly understand what you mean. I have read the power of attraction, how words and thoughts can create our reality by interacting with the cosmos etc.

I believe in that too. And that is something i can work on.

My problem is, when it comes to disclosing, my partner will obviously google genital herpes and find all of those scary nasty images. My herpes is nowhere close to looking like that! How the hell, have you managed to not scare people off?!

 

[mr_hopp]

Then you tell them just that. :)

 

"And I'll tell you what, if you google 'herpes,' it comes up with so many horrible pictures that don't come anywhere NEAR what I've ever seen on my body. It's amazing how many lies are out there on the internet."

 

You can be playful about it to really let them know how ghastly wrong those pictures are. You can educate him with trusted sources, not random google searches. A huge part of the disclosure conversation is to spread knowledge, not herpes. You get to educate him from all the research you've done, all the information you've gleaned from us. And use this post-disclosure handouts to give him all the facts: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

And even though you perfectly understand what I mean, you can't just get this in your head. You need to start getting it with your feelings, too, or you'll keep falling into this dark place with your thoughts. You can't just brush this off as "Oh yeah, I've heard about that stuff." You have to PRACTICE it. You've been practicing how to be negative and beating up on yourself. You've been building your "my-life-is-over-who-will-ever-want-me" muscle A LOT. Try practicing in the other direction: Practice positivity, self-acceptance and beautiful fantasizing about the future. Because that's available to you, too. Steer your ship toward paradise and you'll get there quicker than if you're steering your ship toward that waterfall over there. ;)

 

Watch that TED talk video I linked to above. Please. It has so much power in it and so many similarities ... Please. (Yes, I've actually resorted to begging you now.) ;)

[Iamme34]

Hi strawberry girl,

As adrial said earlier we have a lot in common and as much as u have a lot of support here on this forum mine may seem so small compared to the advice ur getting here.., but he's right, and so is everyone else... I let my condition get to be from time to time and realize I feel I'm going to be alone forever.. Almost my thoughts like who is gonna want me when I have this annoying condition... And trust me suicide and all those thoughts have run thru my mind very often... I have disclosed to two people one that excepted it tremendously but really wasn't what I wanted n one that just didn't understand how tender I was... See for me I was sexually assaulted n got this condition... But to tell you the truth I believe that maybe for me I had relationships that I wasn't really wholeheartedly feeling or putting my effort in... N maybe I wasn't really connecting with these people.. N honestly isn't that what we want, people to love us with out hesitation to love us with out any conditions.. Basically to love us unconditionally... I talk to alot of people about awareness of what they do sexually... N this is what I tell them...

In a relationship there are risks, I assume at some point everyone has something and u are always taking a risk...

So if ur going to be intimate with someone make sure he or she is worth the risk... Alil off subject but my point is, in my case I might he alone for now, but when I do disclose to someone I truly can fall In love with, if we r suppose to connect if we r suppose to share that special moment of intimacy he will except me for me as I will do the same for him... Cause everytime I sleep with someone, I give him a piece of my soul.. N to me if he walks away from me after my disclosure he didn't deserve the special qualities that I have to give while being able to keep him safe... Please realize the only way to keep him safe is if u both know n take precautions....

U said something to me, I realize sex is awesome, but you said he's young... Do u really want to risk his health without knowing.. Think how u feel about not having the choice... I think very often if I was really wanting to take a journey big or small with this amazing guy who I thought could be anything or everything, n he told me after we established a great foundation first herpes would not be a wall for me... If I truly cared for him but was what I wanted.. I'd walk right next to him in exchange of his heart<3 as I am hoping to find also.. N I will believe that this condition is definitely a filter and not a wall for me... Cuz think about it... What if ur alil older n get something totally worse than h... Cuz let's be honest it's livable thru this... But other things are far worse... Don't you want someone that says ur amazing I don't care about that... There's people out there like that... I've come across a few n I've only had it for 10 months... I truly believe if someone told me it wouldn't of mattered if I saw potential!!! I mean comon if I met adrial n he said that to me, I would of said hell yea....I'm game:0) lol u have to look for the right one you can trust with u and ur heart... That's the point start ur life without shame with this... And have more soul like purpose.. Ur extremely emotional n that's beautiful in it's own.... Not disclosing? I've thought about that too... But honestly u don't hurt them, u hurt you.. U break pieces off of urself for this lil annoying things... I believe if it's real!!! He will except you for the amazing person you are..:0) we share some of the same thoughts but love see the light in this and not the dark... I will help you thru it...:0) as I am standing in the same spot!!!! Control you, don't let h control you...a Great connection is what we all really want... N being honest to you is the only safe way to find it:0) not saying the trip won't be BUMPY... lol but will be worth it promise...<3 hugs to you

[Iamme34]

Oh btw adrial is right, when u disclose, you disclose all the info u have, n explain what urs is all about... Mine is no where even near those things on google... You say exactly what u experience...:0) the more info u give the less chance they will even need to google...:0)

[WCSDancer2010]

" I just need to accept that i wont be able to date the men that i genuinely love. Whatever ill have to lower my standards and basically beg anyone to love me. I get it. My love life is over."

 

WOW - you really have not heard everything we have been saying, have you??

 

I for one WILL NOT lower my standards. And I certainly won't beg ANY man to stay with me ( I don't care if he's Adam Levine...well.. maybe ... *drool* :P ). And your life certainly is NOT over.

 

So I'm going to cut to the chase (I'm the "Tough Love" person on here... so sit tight and don't take this personally ... but someone has to give you a good shaking to get your attention. But first... a (((HUG)))) ... so you know I am saying this because I care :)

 

Strawberry Girl:

 

Drop the drama. I'm not saying that your fears and frustrations are not valid. But what you DO with them will affect how your life will go. So if you keep telling yourself (and everyone else) that your life is over, IT WILL BE ... because who in the hell will want to be around someone who is wallowing in a pity party of disgust and self loathing over a disease that is manageable and that in all reality is just one hell of a a pain in the - uh - nether regions?????

 

I know it's going to be an adjustment and I am not saying you will not have down days and confused thoughts and such. It's all part of the journey. But to continually be sooooo negative and so dramatic about your life "being over" NEEDS TO STOP. (REALLY??? Your life is over when you have Stage 4 Cancer. And even then, many people live their last days more fully with Stage 4 than half the population who is 100% healthy does)

 

If a guy is more concerned about a 2% risk (assuming I take antivirals) of getting a fucking skin condition from me than he is about spending the rest of his life with a person who could be the best thing that ever happened to him, who would support and sheer him on and catch him when he stumbles, who has a capacity to love and appreciate a good man because she KNOWS how many jerks there are out there and she appreciates it when she finds him ... well, I just hope the door doesn't his is sorry arse on the way out. Because I don't need someone who is that shallow. And neither do you!

 

I know that I am personally one HELL of a good catch ... and (GET THIS) I am sure you are too...but I'm not sure you BELIEVED that even before you got Herpes ...think on that one!

 

You are getting some great support and advice on here. Adrial is right about the disclosure talk - you need to learn the FACTS (including telling them that the photos on Google Images will show some of the worst OB's EVER and that for most of us it's nothing at all like that, especially with antivirals and other things to control it). You need to practice talking to someone before you meet "him" so that when the time comes, it won't be so scary. If you have a great friend who you confide in, talk to him/her first - practice "disclosing" to them. Have the fact sheet ready.

 

And try this on. When you go out today - look around you and try to guess which people have Herpes. Remember that 16% will have HSV2 - and up to 80% have HSV1 (orally OR genitally). Really get it in your head that there is no "one type" of person who gets Herpes. That the best looking, kindest, most wonderful people get it along with the jerks and assholes out there. That the hottest guy in the room may be carrying it (in fact, he may be more likely because he may have more - er- opportunities to catch it). That the elderly person in the corner may also have it (one of the populations where STD's are growing fastest is in Retirement Communities!). Unless you see a Cold Sore on someone's mouth, you will not know that they carry Herpes AND it doesn't change who those people are!

 

Herpes is an Equal Opportunity disease. It doesn't care if you are beautiful or ugly, black or white, nice or mean. Neither does it turn you into any of those "negative" people. You are still YOU after diagnosis. And any person worthy of being intimate with you will see that. Promise.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Strawberrygirl]

Hi, thank you all of you for your support.

WCSDancer2010, thanks your post sort of opened my eyes.

Believe me I am trying to get out of my depression. I think you are right, if a guy genuinely loves me he will stay with me no matter what.

I don't need to lower my standards, maybe just focus on the kind hearted men out there that I think are more open-minded and possibly love me truly for who I am.

I am young, and I will meet plenty of people within the next 10 years.

I know with my new healthy diet, vitamin c and lysine i can supress the virus for a long time. I can go on normally with my life. Nobody will know i have H, and to other people's eyes I will be a healthy normal human being.

As for the guy that I like so much, i guess it is more sexual attraction than anything else. Same goes for him. Therefore, i can date him for a while and see how our feelings for each other develop. But i doubt he is the one, and i think he does not deserve to know my condition. I will wait for true love. But i will date whoever i want without having sex of course for the next few years...Until i meet someone who i believe i can fully trust.

So far, I got the impression with most men that they were interested in dating me for my physical appearance. I need to work on my self-esteem.

[mr_hopp]

(Another sigh of relief over here.)

 

Ah, the power of tough love. (Especially WCS's tough love!) ;) Nice job, WCS. You, my friend, rock.

 

Strawberrygirl, I love to see you turning the corner on this, realizing the power that you do have in your own happiness. Remember this feeling. Because the clouds of negativity will be back eventually. All of us have those voices of negativity in our minds. The important part is how much energy and attention we give them. Don't let them suck you back in. Remember. You have all the power you need. You have all the love you need. (I almost feel like Yoda ... "Use the Force, Strawberry ...") :)

 

I want you to be a part of the program that's coming up in January. I'll be sending an email out about it soon. Can't wait for you to join us to keep this sustained positivity and growth going for you.

 

Big hugs.

[WCSDancer2010]

Yes!!!!!! Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!Yes!

 

*Happy Dance!!!!*

 

"I got the impression with most men that they were interested in dating me for my physical appearance. I need to work on my self-esteem."

 

Uh - yeah. Ya think? Physical attraction is great .... but if you want to find love, then you have to find someone who wants to see into your heart and soul. And I hate to admit it (because I tend to get too physical too quickly myself), but once you get physical, the brain seems to take a back seat and you ignore all the warning signs that once again, "He's just not that into you.... he just likes being *in* you".

 

Yeah - you may even have fun and the sex can be great... but "that guy" will jump ship the minute something gets weird or uncomfortable or when he gets bored. Herpes has a way of helping us sort those guys out of our lives a little faster... and often before we give them the privilege of seeing our vulnerable side. THAT is the Opportunity that Adrial talks about...

 

(((HUGS))) my dear - glad you are feeling a little more optimistic.... :)

[Strawberrygirl]

Thank you again all of YOU for your support, particularly Adrial and WSCDancer2010.

I feel blessed I found this group. I will let you know how things evolve with the guy.

And I will try to be more positive about life, and more grateful from now on.

I am also going to try to reconnect with my inner self through meditation.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know why this happened to me.

I have always been very negative, and it is time to change that. Even though I always had EVERYTHING one could wish for in life I did not feel happy about my life.

I will take this as a warning from life, that I was not being grateful enough nor LIVING life.

[WCSDancer2010]

"I have always been very negative, and it is time to change that. Even though I always had EVERYTHING one could wish for in life I did not feel happy about my life.

I will take this as a warning from life, that I was not being grateful enough nor LIVING life."

 

Wow - that is a great realization! Good for you Strawberrygirl! Herpes has a way of making us face the fears and insecurities that have been there all along....

 

Good luck in your journey! Can't wait to hear your updates!

[mr_hopp]

Wow. I literally have goosebumps, Strawberry.

 

Thank YOU for deciding to see yourself for who you are instead of who you're afraid you're not.

 

Thank YOU for taking the step toward happiness.

 

I am thanking you on behalf of you. That deep inner you who you'll be getting to know on that meditation cushion. That inner you who has been crying out and needing nurturing.

 

You know what I have found time and time again? Whatever herpes brings up in us has always been there. It makes any of those negative thoughts and beliefs MAGNIFIED. So herpes acts as a magnifying glass for our self-defeating stuff. So once they become magnified, they either destroy us or we realize that we are in control of this ride. In that way, herpes can act as the final straw for what we've put up with in our lives. We only can only suffer so much until we start turning more deeply inward for the answers. That's the opportunity. And now begins your beautiful journey, Strawberrygirl. It's not always going to be easy, I promise you that. It is a courageous journey you are now on. But what I do promise you is that it is so, so worth it. You will love and be loved deeper than you ever thought possible. By yourself and by others. I could go on and on because I'm so proud of you right now for making a powerful decision for your own future ... but I will stop here. (For now.) :)

 

Big hugs to you. Huge hugs.