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What If The Tables Were Turned?

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So I’ve been reading some of the disclosure stories and I keep reading comments to the effect of “if a guy/girl decided not to date you after you’ve told them they are jerks, the wrong person etc.” While that might be true in some cases I don’t know that I feel that way about everyone. I mean let’s be honest... if the tables were turned and you hadn’t experienced this first hand, learned everything you have, would you without a doubt say that you would continue? I can’t say 100% that I would. Granted I am usually a pessimist anyway, but if the tables where turned I would constantly think that I am putting my health at risk for something that may not even work out. I felt that way for my (ex)boyfriend when I found out. I didn’t want him him to continue the relationship in fear that he would not only catch it, but that we wouldn’t workout and he would have to take that baggage into his next situation (assuming he’s not the one who gave it to me). Then that guilt turned to selfishness where I stayed in the relationship just because I didn’t want to go through the whole disclosure even though I wasn’t happy. Some of these people might stay longer because they don’t want us to feel bad even though they are not comfortable with the relationship.


Yes I know there are risk in everything we do. If you smoke you’re at risk for cancer. You get in car and drive everyday you’re at risk. Which is why you wear a seat beat. Trying to protect yourself right? So wouldn’t someone walking away from a relationship where they could potential get a virus be their form of protection.


What if this was something even more serious like HIV? Are “we” viewing those that walk away as the wrong person simply because they want to protect themselves. Maybe they are the right person and circumstances made it the wrong time.



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Being that I don't personally plan on disclosing my situation until there is a deep emotional connection with my potential sexual/romantic partners, I have to say that were the tables turned, I would at least listen to my partner and hear out all of the options. I am one of those that holds the opinion that someone who views herpes as a deal breaker isn't worth it, but I should clarify that I am referring to the people who hear the word herpes and shut down and run, the ones who buy into the stigma and ignore said deep personal connection entirely. If a partner reads the literature, discusses possibilities, and still decides to opt out then they deserve credit for trying and certainly shouldn't be vilified. Hope that makes sense lol.

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While I hate when I get turned down, I know that if I had the chance, I would not have slept with my ex. So I always tell them, "I cannot blame you for not risking it even though I am disappointed because you are a great person I would love to get to know."


If I had a potential partner with HIV would I have sex with them? At this point probably not. It sounds harsh but I know that my health is important. Unless it was someone I could see myself with together forever, I couldn't risk it.

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Herpes is, in effect, a possible deal breaker for some. Nothing wrong with that. If it's simply that Herpes is just one of their deal breakers then they just are not the person for you..no different than if you had kids or smoked or whatever and they didn't want that in their life. And nothing wrong with saying that person is the "wrong person" ... because thats what they are. Their beliefs and desires are not aligned with your situation. Many on here will take that as a personal insult OR as proof that they are dirty or unlovable ... when the truth is, "He was not into you enough to stand by you in this situation". So we tell them that s/he wasn't the right person because the person who accepts us will have different beliefs and priorities AND they value you enough on a personal/emotional level to stay with you. And those people ARE out there.


What gets me is when someone runs before they have the facts. When they look at you like you have the plague, or they say things like "Well I know I haven't been exposed because I always look and I would see it". Or they won't even look at the materials and get educated before choosing to walk. Or they refuse to get tested because "they *know* they are clear". Or they turn the tables and try to tell you YOU gave it to THEM. Those are the people we call Jerks. Those are the guys who I say "Are not into YOU, they just wanted to GET into you". If they person was really, really into you, they would at least slow down long enough to show you that if they left, it was a painful decision that was made after weighing up what they know they can deal with. In this case, I'd say they were the "wrong person".


IMO, as Greeneyes said, if they run before they are informed (after telling you you were "perfect", "everything they wanted", whatever) then IMO there is a good chance they would not be there for you if the going got REALLY tough. I've been around the Herpes block a few times and I've really realized that the guys who really DID like me at least stopped and regrouped and asked questions before they chose to end the relationship. So those guys WERE the wrong person for me. One totally freaked for a whole month and then decided I was worth the risk...we had 3 years together before I realized I was staying there because of the fear of having to start over...he wasn't the right person for me for other reasons. We are still good friends.


Yes I know there are risk in everything we do. If you smoke you’re at risk for cancer. You get in car and drive everyday you’re at risk. Which is why you wear a seat beat. Trying to protect yourself right?


So what is the difference between Valtrex and a Seat Belt? If you want to get in a car, you accept that you reduce your risk of harm by wearing a seat belt. If you want to be with a person with Herpes, they can take Valtrex to reduce your risk. Sadly many walk before they at least *consider* that option.


So wouldn’t someone walking away from a relationship where they could potential get a virus be their form of protection.


Well, consider this. We *KNOW* we have Herpes. In a way, *we* are safer than many of the people who are out there in the dating world because we know our status AND how to manage it. Given that 80% of the people with Herpes don't know they have it and many many are misinformed about "cold sores", "asymptomatic shedding", and the fact that condoms are NOT a guarantee that you won't get Herpes (for starters), dating today (IMO) is a minefield. (And that's just the misinformation around Herpes...) The reason 99% of the people on here have Herpes is exactly BECAUSE of that misinformation and blissful ignorance. So IMO (and I think I can say many will agree), it isn't really any safer out there UNLESS the person is willing to wait to get intimate (In any way) until they personally SEE their partner's STD status IN WRITING (I say that because many have got H from people who assured them that they had been tested). Very few people that I know of go to that extreme. Certainly if WE had, most of us wouldn't be here. So it could be said that it's a false sense of security ... and many who stay with their H+ partners do so because they slowed down long enough to come to that conclusion.


And BTW, there are a LOT of people with HIV now that are living with HIV- partners who have not got the disease from them. Magic Johnson found out he had it AFTER he was married and his wife was pregnant. Thankfully she didn't get it AND she still is HIV-free and they have had a second child.... this is 20 years on. His wife is 100% behind him and he credits her with being the person who pulled him through his diagnosis. This is the thing. She could have run screaming from the relationship and tarred him to the press with being a disgusting person with a vile disease. Instead she got educated and realized that they could take measures to protect her and she loved him enough to live with that.


@bookworm Unless it was someone I could see myself with together forever, I couldn't risk it.


That kind of partner... the one who HONESTLY sees themselves with us forever (and are not just saying it to get into out pants) is the "right person" for us. They are out there. We just have to find them :)


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Honestly if the tables were turned I probably wouldn't take the chance. I probably would run away, but always then I didn't really want a relationship.


If I had met the guy that I am with now though and the tables were turned I would take the chance. I think that it all depends on the person. It depends on the time.. I mean, before I was only out for myself. I didn't really care. I was not living the life that I am living now. I was living a bad life, a life that wasn't good for me or for the people around me. It was deep and it was heavy...

But also knowing about my mom and dad my thoughts were pretty much on the fence with this or other STD's, because I knew if the person is worth it, then they are worth taking any chance that I would have to take.


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Great insight everyone! I guess for me even knowing all that I know now I'm not sure I would stick it out with someone I just met. Unfortunately not everyone is genuine when you meet them and it can take months (even years) before their "true person" appears. That's what would hold me back. Thinking that I am putting myself at risk for something that may not be genuine. I guess when the "right person" comes along all my hesitation and pessimistic notions would disappear. That would be the sign that that person is the one and worth the risk.

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