Traumatic response to herpes disclosure

[parrotperson]

I met someone online several weeks ago whom I had really come to like and care about. He lives almost 6 hours away so we hadn't met in person yet. We exchanged emails and had one looong phone conversation.

 

I never know exactly when to disclose, but in this case I decided to do it because the discussion just naturally seemed to come around to it, I had let him know another very personal aspect of myself and he dealt with it well. I was relieved, so I decided to trust him to hear about my HSV status as well.

 

I could not even believe the response. He went from being this compassionate, calm man to treating me like I had somehow wronged him.

 

He didn't respond at all the night I emailed him, which was unusual. I heard from him the next afternoon, and his initial email was very terse. This is it in its entirety:

 

"I knew about herpes, and did further research today.

I am sorry, but it is a 'dealbreaker' for me.

I can't go there.

 

Truly sorry."

 

I was devastated. I left him a voicemail, sent an email, and another email the next day, asking him to at least have a conversation with me about it.

 

He finally responded to my second email like this:

 

"[my name],

I don't want any of this crap about 'friendship'.

I feel what you did to me was not ethical, not a friend.

To hide the herpes from me for so long, until I was

feeling emotionally connected to you was wrong.

 

I don't want herpes.

I don't want to be set up by a woman.

I don't want to talk to you any more.

 

Goodbye."

 

I cannot even convey in words how devastated I am. I felt we were compatible, I wanted to meet him, and I had come to trust him. I could not believe this was his reaction.

 

I couldn't believe he was telling me I waited too long to tell. I had been thinking if anything I didn't wait long enough. I was really into him but was having trouble determining if he was equally into me. On the one hand, we emailed every day and some of his reactions to things seemed to imply this. On the other hand, he had kept his profile up and was still actively looking.

 

Although his reaction stank, I don't think he is a horrible person. I had already gathered that he probably had some issues with trusting, and therefore it sort of made sense, in a sad way, that he would assume I was someone he couldn't trust rather than that I am still the person he felt emotionally connected to. I so much wanted him to listen to me, look at things from my perspective. I thought he would, because he had done so in the past. He was mellow in our loong phone conversation and in our emails, not pushy, accepting, compassionate, etc.

 

I am really not interested in what I think is the usual reaction on the part of many people, to just say he's a jerk and move on. I feel like that would be doing exactly the same thing to him as he did to me--he basically ignored me as a full person and focused in on one thing he didn't like, which he interpreted in the worst light. I don't want to do that to anyone. He is a full human being with good and bad qualities and I won't see him belittled, or do it myself.

 

What I really want is to know three things:

 

1. Has anyone dealt with such a negative reaction on the part of someone they really cared for and had begun to trust? If so, how did you cope?

 

2. Are there any tips you can relate for how to avoid this kind of reaction in the future? I am already thinking I should have waited and had this conversation on the phone, maybe it would have increased the probability of him seeing me as a full human being instead of someone who had H, or an enemy.

 

3. Do you think it is at all possible, or have you had situations personally, where after someone calms down from this initial reaction you have been able to be friends?

 

Thanks!

[butterfly2012]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through right now. I haven't disclose to anyone yet and I was recently diagnosed, however there is someone I'm talking to and haven't said anything yet. I feel it was wrong of him to tell you that were not being ethical, in my case I've been waiting because I want to know if he is worth it and if he deserves to know. Let's say you did not have herpes don't you want to take time to know who he is and if you guys could get anywhere before you trust him with anything? that was not unethical, it is not like you had sex with him and did not give him the chance to decide if he wanted to continue the relationship. That would have been wrong, but to me, you are a very courageous woman who decided to do the right thing. As of how to avoid a reaction like that I do not think there is a magic trick, everyone is different and they will react different. Sometimes we do not understand why things happen the way they do, but what if he reacts like that every time there is a bump on the road, and believe me there will be plenty in this life, Do you want a guy who starts running at the first sight of trouble? I would not want a guy like that not even as a friend, I do not feel he is worth it. He at least should have called you and talk to you about it, even if he feels he can't deal with it.

If you believe in God, pray it helps me to cope, and if not meditate and be at peace with the wonderful and honest women you are. Hugs!

[HerryTheHerp]

Hi Parrot,

 

You have beautiful wings and shouldn't let this experience clip them for you. You did the right thing, and you did it at the right time. You sound like you're second guessing a little bit and you shouldn't do that. That said, there are plenty of resources that Adrial and others have put together to help you get through your next disclosure.

 

1. Have I had the negative disclosure reaction? Not quite like you, but I've been there and it hurts. I had a discussion about herpes and indirectly disclosed to a woman that I've known for a while now and have come to truly care for. Her reaction wasn't exactly negative, but she made it clear she'd never date anyone with the virus. Honestly, I can't say my reaction pre-diagnosis would have been any different. Are we still friends? Yep, good friends, but I haven't brought it up again and have decided to let the possibility of a romantic relationship slide. But, it's still there in my heart, and yeah, it stings a bit considering how well we truly get along and the commonalities we share.

 

2. Any tips? Each situation and each person are different. You'll just have to feel them out each and every time. Trust your heart. Your heart will never lead you astray. In general, in person is always the best way to do anything like this. Text, email, phone are way too impersonal. You're talking about having a sexual relationship with someone and that's about as personal as it gets. Discussing sex in person, well, that's always the best route. Also, the more you know, the more comfortable and confident you are with the condition, the more confident and comfortable they'll be. Turn yourself into a herpes expert, because people may "think" they know herpes, but in truth, the vast majority of people don't. In fact, when you tell them the stats, you're likely to blow their minds. Don't let them do their research on their own; Google is a perfectly horrible place full of bad info on herpes, and quite frankly, much of it is wrong.

 

3. Is it possible to be friends with this guy at this point or in the future? Well, I have to take Butterfly's position on this one. Why would you want to? In fact, I wouldn't want to based on what he wrote. Yeah, I can see where he's coming from, I can also see that he's got some issues that might not make him a good long-term friend or boyfriend. You trusted him with something deeply personal. You opened your heart to him and that's far more valuable than other places you considered letting him go. Like WCS would say, he wasn't really that into you, he just wanted to get into you.

 

Does his choice make him a bad person? Nah, it doesn't. Does it make him a jerk? Nah, you're right, it doesn't. I think he could have handled it a bit more tactfully, but that's a sign of maturity more than anything, and not necessarily a sign of character.

 

For now, let sleeping dogs rest. Don't email him, or text him, or call him. If he calms down, thinks it over some more, maybe he will come around. Maybe, but don't pin your hopes or your heart on it. If he does, talk with him, let him talk, then see if there's something more to what was developing between you two.

 

As far as the trust issues go, well, the older you get, the more you have. Those of us with herpes, well, almost all of us have trust issues because many of us were lied to or not disclosed to, and well, here we are. Make sure you work through your own trust issues, too. Remember to trust yourself and your instincts above everything else.

[fitgirl]

my feedback will be simple .... it sucks to disclose. its scary and you can never predict how someone will react. herry is right, no one wants herpes but no one wants to be alone either. the reality is, everyone has a right to their reaction and we cannot control that. ignorance and google are our worst enemies in this fight! there is one thing I can guarantee you in all of this..... with any rejection comes another chance to find the right one. there are many smart and compassionate people in this world and you will actually have a greater chance if finding those souls with herpes than you ever had without it. keep trying and keep the faith, the world has more to offer if you keep looking, your time will come and you will be just fine.

[parrotperson]

Thanks for the responses.

 

As far as trusting my heart or my instincts, I did and they were clearly wrong. I thought I could trust him with this information. I thought it was possible he would not want to continue, but I never imagined he would have the angry and accusatory reaction he did.

 

I agree in general that in person is best, but that wasn't possible in this situation, as he lives nearly 6 hours away. If he reacted this angrily to my telling him now, via email, I can only imagine what he would have thought if I had waited even longer, until we met.

 

I wish I had found this site prior to disclosing to him. I will keep the info sheet for future discussions, if any. While he's a smart guy, and I would *like* to trust him to do valid research, the fact is I don't really know what he knows, and I only wrote about a paragraph in my initial email to him. It kills me to think he might have used Google images and stopped at that. But I have to remind myself, that if he was unwilling to even talk about it after that, and if he lept to such hurtful accusations, that's on him and that indicates a problem in his thinking and/or character.

 

I really thought he liked me. If you're saying trust my instincts, but also that he just wanted to get "into me", those two perspectives aren't compatible. My instincts still say he WAS into me and that's one reason he freaked out. he referred to feeling "emotionally connected" to me in the kiss-off email. I read it as he was starting to trust me (and I him) and my telling him this felt like a violation of that trust, to him.

 

I still kept hoping maybe he would calm down, reconsider, remember all the good things from our interactions, and talk to me civilly, but he hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him again. So I guess that's it. I've gone from being hurt but still liking him and feeling compassion for whatever issues caused him to react this way, to being angry. It would have hurt to be "deal broken", but this crap where he accuses me of "doing something to him" rather than appreciating my honesty and courage, and having any compassion for me and what I have to go through, really bugs me.

 

Thanks everyone for allowing me to vent!

[fitgirl]

I have to suggest that based on his aggressive reaction and negative response, this guy may not have been the person you thought he was. You didn't set him up, you didn't betray him, you waited until you felt close enough to share something very personal and scary. His lack of compassion and understanding point to bigger issues with this man. His response has more to do with his own baggage than it has to do with herpes. I think that herpes was your filter to weed out a man who wasn't going to stand by you and love you completely. There is no perfect way to disclose and you can't predict how someone will react. Don't beat yourself up about this. Lick your wounds and realize there are so many men out there with more depth than this!

[WCSDancer2010]

It would have hurt to be "deal broken", but this crap where he accuses me of "doing something to him" rather than appreciating my honesty and courage, and having any compassion for me and what I have to go through, really bugs me.

 

This is where you can thank Herpes for showing you who this guy REALLY was. Sounds like he has anger and trust issues. People like that are very difficult to be with because everything will eventually be "your fault" ... they may well love you/be emotionally connected but they have unresolved issues and you end up being the punching bag (sometimes literally :( )

 

Chalk it up to a life lesson and move on .... and be thankful you dodged that bullet :0

 

(((HUGS)))

[lelani]

Hi honey...sending you a hug as I know this is a tough process to go through. I have done the online thing of meeting someone, and after a couple of years I did meet my someone. I learned a few things along the way...

 

1. Understand that online dating is a way of meeting someone, making a connection...and if you connect that is great. The thing is it is just a connection, not a relationship.

 

Messaging, email and skyping are ways to learn more about the person but these forms of communication are limited. You can have feelings grow for someone when you don't actually know them. You can only 'know' a person by spending time with them, having good times and bad times together. Your feelings are part of a fantasy and its easy to let them grow when you want to be with someone.

 

2. When someone tells you, or shows you who they are...believe them. He has shown you he has issues and is not mature enough to see things from your point of view. You were totally right in how you went about things. We do not have to disclose until we are ready. You hadn't had sex with him. His reaction is about fear, ignorance and self centred...nothing wrong with that and doesn't make him horrible...it's just do you want a man who reacts like that? Will he change? I doubt it..and you will always wonder.

 

It's when you tell someone special... and they hold you and tell you that you will both work through it. That you are more important than some virus and they love you...that's the kind of person who is your someone special.

 

You may have to go through some frogs along they way - but he or she is out there. i was someone who was H- and thought my H+ boyfriend was more important that H itself. I contracted it from him. Now I am with someone who accepted it in me. His reaction told me he was a keeper and that I would be with a very special man.

 

Don't settle for anything less hon...

 

And when you are dating just focus on being friends first...keep hold of your heart and know that Herpes isn't a deal breaker when its the right person. Let go of this one with love and understanding and wish him well.

 

In the meantime, do things you love, be with people you feel good around and make your life bigger than H :-) xx

 

 

 

[fitgirl]

lelani, nice work! props to you girlfriend..... you offer a unique perspective. someone who accepted the man and the virus but loved anyway and accepted the potential risk. even though I was the one with the virus to start a new relationship I firmly believe I would be the same woman you are...I would take the chance and accept the risk. I have loved addicts and accepted them, I have accepted the broken and tried to help fix them. if a man I loved disclosed to me he had herpes I know I would have taken the chance and accepted the outcome. that's who I am and good on you for being that same kind of woman! the lesson here is that at the end of the day...herpes or not, we have choices in life and I never regret...I only grow. I would take the passion of living over the scared life any day . even if it meant I got herpes. its a small price to pay for the depth of love and connectedness that follows

[lelani]

Thanks fitgirl :-) . We are out there aren't we :-)! There are millions of people just like us who accept brokenness in ourselves and others (I think we are all broken in one way or another...and its ok!).

 

Taking the risk with Herpes means giving up romantic ideas of what sexuality is and what is 'normal' with expressing it. My man and I hate condoms so what do you do...? You get really good at oral and find other ways of enjoying each other! Massage, dance, even swimming together is really sensual and fun - we live by the sea so have 'swim dates' several times a week.

 

And its ALL about honesty and courage...disclosing is brave and a sign of integrity. If someone reacts in a way that does not acknowledge that or appreciate it - no matter what their decision is in terms of being with you - then let them go with understanding and love. They know not what they do.

 

And being with someone H- is the same. You have to be very aware of your body and be honest if you feel any signs you may be having an episode, no matter how small. I let him know if I feel ANYTHING suspicious going on with my body. He can then trust that I am being responsible and minimizing his risk.

 

So parrotperson...get this guy out of your head. Fitgirl is right, there are so many people who are prepared to take the chance with the right person. Open yourself up to the opportunity to meet him :-) x

[Atlantic]

Hugs to you, Parrot.

 

I also made the same choice as Lelani, and contracted HSV II via a relationship with a good man who ultimately was not a good match for me.

 

I have only disclosed to one person who was awesome about the disclosure. I have dated quite a few in the year or so since I have been dating again. Each time I have dated someone new, herpes gives me a chance to closely evaluate that person , well before I intend that disclosure will take place. I ask myself questions like does he have compatible life goals? Has he demonstrated reliability and trustworthiness? Do his actions match his words? What common interests do we share that would sustain a LTR? What is his relationship history - has he had successful LTRs that ended reasonably amicably, or has his love life been nonstop drama? Is he in a situation with exes that would create unwanted drama? Is he a financial trainwreck?

 

As life would have it, most men do not make it pass the initial pre-disclosure phase.

 

I feel that most of these questions really can be answered only by observing behavior during the initial dating process in person.

 

 

I know you felt like you knew this guy after corresponding online, but you may have missed indicators that would have been clearer if you had dated in person.

His reaction was unbelievably ignorant and callous. Looking back, were their any indicators about his possible reaction?

 

 

I know it hurts, but you have to accept the fact that this wasn't meant to be, and go forward with an open heart and trusting that there is someone out there who is not only a great match but will accept H without an issue.

[WCSDancer2010]

Great points @Atlantic :)

 

Yeah - the online dating game is akin to playing paintball games in the dark.... you have to take lots of shots at moving bodies, but until you see the whites of their eyes you won't know what team they are on. ;)

 

 

[parrotperson]

Sigh. We also talked on the phone for many hours.

 

I'm not a fan of Just World Theory. NO, there were NO indicators, and many indicators that he was trustworthy and compassionate.

[Atlantic]

I certainly agree that the world isn't fair and I know this situation just feels like it sucks at disclosure time.

 

Without a doubt, there will probably be a few unpleasant surprises in my future where a man who I expect to be cool about it could reject me. Regardless of whether he is polite or is a complete dickhead as in your case, my point is that,* in general*, dating in person will tend to give you more chances to observe his character and build a level of mutual trust. You'll see how he behaves with others and with you. Actions in addition to words spoken over the phone or words on a screen. You will have more of a chance to weed out the guys who you decide you don't want to disclose to because something isn't right.

Will guys reject you at some point in the future? Possibly, but I think by getting to know the person better you will reduce the chance of running into such a dramatic response.

[WCSDancer2010]

dating in person will tend to give you more chances to observe his character and build a level of mutual trust.

 

Yes... I just went on a few dates with a guy who seemed nice but once we went out, although he is a perfectly nice guy, some of his behaviors/things he said are just turning me off. *I* have to pull the plug on this one. And BTW, he knew my status because it's on my profile ;)

[Atlantic]

Good on you for your bravery in putting your status out there, WCS.

 

It's hard to find someone I want to date more than once or twice. Dating is complicated and I am selective. One guy just passed the two date gauntlet yesterday...a disclosure may be in my near future.

[WCSDancer2010]

LOL @Atlantic - yeah - I'm fussy too...the older we get, the more we are honest with ourselves about what our dealbreakers are ;)