Herpes-positive friend unwilling to take precautions...

[JustCurios]

The guy I've been dating who I thought I contracted HSV-1 cold sores from is a bit on the immature side. After going to the doctor and having my blood drawn I'm awaiting now on test results to see if I had the HSV-1 strain inside me prior to the encounter with him. While doing this, I joined this forum and learned so much information on the virus, how to be safe, and how to disclose. Despite whether I have the virus or not, whether I have an outbreak or not, I still value the information that I learned and feel as though now I can help to dissipate the stigma that's attached to this common skin condition.

 

My best friend has outbreaks once a year around the same time. She thought that the annual cold sores that she got was attributed solely to the cold weather. I printed out a handout for her and explained to her that temperature change could be a trigger to her cold sores that awakens the virus. She read the pamphlet, felt a little shocked that SOO many people had herpes (and that she did too), and thanked me for opening up the door to her about this minor annoyance of a condition. Although she has been dealing with the virus since she was 9, I felt the need to tell her this information because I thought perhaps it would help to add to the knowledge that she already had: for example she was unaware that after touching your cold sore you should wash your hands before touching anyone/anything else, she had no idea that cold sores were THAT contagious.

 

But she isn't the problem; the problem is the guy I've been seeing. I know everyone reacts to things differently but it seems as though he is too immature for..well...anything. After having the SAME talk with him that I had with my best friend, he didn't seem to care much at all about the virus, even though he too has been getting them since he was young. However, because our relationship is of a different nature I asked him if he would ever consider starting suppressive medication, and using topical ointments (when he experiences prodrome) so that we can both be healthy and safe. He responded and told ME to get educated, told me that "cold sores are not Herpes, they're just a strain of herpes. it's not that big-a-deal." I felt livid because I had literally felt like I had gone through a shit-storm with wondering if I had contracted this virus from him, and the fact that he was so chill when it came to both of our health's combined gave me serious red flags in my gut.

 

Unrelated to the herpes issue there are so many red flags that I receive from this guy. He has said MANY times that he's the type of guy where he feels like things should be handed to him, even though he knows its unrealistic. We haven't even been dating that long and his immaturity has caused us to have "talks" almost every other time that we're together. He thinks that I'm being "controlling" every time I approach him with serious matters, because he likes to tune out serious things and wants everyone to be happy instead. He will constantly cut people off in conversation and start to talk about himself when the conversation gets "too serious" for him. Controlling, in his point of view, could range anywhere from me talking about something that he did that made me feel very uncomfortable, to me asking him to please, please lower his voice in public when we talk about *personal* things. The only time I've seen him being serious was when I freaked out about "cold sores being herpes" back when I didn't understand the virus so much, and he ran to the clinic because he was worried *mostly about himself*.

 

There's a lot that I feel like relationships take from both people. I'm nearly 20, I'm a great student, and a hard-working employee. When him and I first began talking, my interest in him plummeted significantly after being called by him 3-4 times a day and receiving 5+ texts a day from him; after the cold sore situation I expected him to become more serious with his attitude when it comes to important things, especially because I had made the decision that I wasn't going to let the virus define who he was in my eyes. I've also given him more time out of my life because I know it's unfair to be so busy while you're trying to cultivate a relationship with someone. We've had some major setbacks, from him asking me to *lose weight* (I'm 5'7 and I weigh 130) even though we had JUST started dating, and later apologizing like mad and blaming it on his "lack of a filter"; to me telling him that my name is "Loren" and that I truly do prefer "Lori" and him calling me "Ren" because he says "he prefers that better than Lori and to please not fight him about what he calls me" regardless of how uncomfortable, and unused to that nickname that I am.

 

And look, I understand that Herpes shouldn't control your life, but the unwillingness to take it, or anything else, seriously when it regards yours and someone's health, is unacceptable. I'm sorry for the long rant but I am absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausted. I feel like I have to be "mommy" and that step by step it feels like I'm teaching this man how to be courteous of other people, and that just because things don't go your way doesn't mean things are "ruined". It's like he doesn't get it, and everything feels like a big joke to him! Last night he called me and asked me to help him with his paper that he had a week to do, even though he KNOWS that I have 200 pages of articles to read between classes!

 

So, guys and gals, as someone who might be H-, who is trying to work it out with someone who is H+, what do you suggest? AM I doing something wrong here? Or is this just simply not meant to be...

 

Thanks for reading.

JC

[WCSDancer2010]

JC...

 

You know the answer to your last question - just go back and read what you wrote as if you were reading someone else's post and I think you will have all the clarity you need :)

 

And if you can't see it, re-post and I'll give you my ... er... opinion ...LOL ;)

[JustCurios]

WCS, I guess...I'm in denial. As well as because I'm prone to blaming myself for issues I'm not sure if there's anything that I can do to remedy the situation. He has some really great qualities that I've never experienced in a guy before, but also his level of maturity and my level of maturation are of obvious calibers.

 

I also feel like he gives off the vibe that he's ready for a relationship when in reality he is extremely emotionally unavailable and is just looking for a great time.

[fitgirl]

You are a smart young woman and doing everything RIGHT. You are well beyond your years and showing great responsibility and an authentic, realistic approach to life. go with your gut feelings, take the red flags as a sign.... herpes is one of many filters we have use your common sense and you will know what the clear choice is. I spent many years try to save people, help them, giving more than I ever received in return. you sound like a similar soul, protect that about yourself...don't let anyone take advantage of you. you are WAY out of this guy's league. if it was me, I'd cut him loose . when takers use up so much of our emotional real estate, we don't have the time or energy or ability to meet people who are giving back. you have to clear out the negative to be able to see the positive. its all around you and you deserve better

[beachluvr]

Just Curious

 

Hello. I agree with Dancer. Reread what you wrote a few times and I think you'll know. I think deep down you know what you need to do. I know it's hard to let go of someone you may care about but if he makes you feel exhausted and you feel like his mom and he's immature and says belittling things to you (doesn't like your name, wants you to lose weight), then do you really want to have this person in your life? Since this is a new relationship, then it may be easier to walk away now then waiting and having things progress to the point it becomes harder because there is emotional attachment on your end. You sound like a wonderful, intelligent person who has her act together. Don't allow him to bring you down and make you feel any less. You deserve someone who is equal to you, on your level, who makes you laugh, who makes you happy, who enjoys YOU! Relationships take two people who work together and are compatible; not one who takes advantage of the other and makes the other have to question it. It sounds like he's not emotionally ready for a relationship. Not trying to be harsh at all. I was in a relationship that sounds pretty much like yours; he was immature, it was one sided, I did all the work, I took care of him and was the mature one and it just didn't work. I stayed in it far too long and should've cut the ties years before I did. Listen to your gut here. Hang in there.

 

Hugs!!

[WCSDancer2010]

So did you go back and re-read your post as though you were reading it from someone else? Somehow I doubt it, but seeing as you asked, here is my opinion ;)

 

but it seems as though he is too immature for..well...anything. This statement alone should be enough for you to walk away...but seeing as you can't seem to get it....

 

Unrelated to the herpes issue there are so many red flags that I receive from this guy.How many red flags to you need????

 

We've had some major setbacks, from him asking me to *lose weight* (I'm 5'7 and I weigh 130) even though we had JUST started dating, And he says YOU are controlling????????

 

to me telling him that my name is "Loren" and that I truly do prefer "Lori" and him calling me "Ren" because he says "he prefers that better than Lori and to please not fight him about what he calls me" regardless of how uncomfortable, and unused to that nickname that I am. See above :(

 

he unwillingness to take it, or anything else, seriously when it regards yours and someone's health, is unacceptable. Don't think you can change this either

 

I am absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausted. Why am I not surprised????

 

I feel like I have to be "mommy" and that step by step it feels like I'm teaching this man how to be courteous of other people, and that just because things don't go your way doesn't mean things are "ruined". And why would you want to date this????

 

What *I* am curious about is why you continue with a guy who is such an immature jerk? You must be getting some kind of "payback" for it - feeling "mature", thinking you don't deserve better, liking the role of "mommy" ... I'm not sure what it is, but honey, just go back and re-read your post and pretend it was written by your best friend.... :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[lelani]

Hi JC :-) there's not much else I can say other than I agree with these wise women! Be your own best friend and really listen to your innerself - it's screaming at you in your post. My reaction to reading was RUUUUUNNNNN!!! Yes, why do you want to date this guy? I

 

I'm not surprise you are mentally and emotionally exhausted either..the guy is a crazy maker. A relationship is supposed to nurture you, energize you and be a union where you feel safe and supported - I don't see any of that happening for you with this guy.

 

You deserve more than this honey. Answer one question for yourself....How would I feel if he wasn't in my life? This may give you some insight as to why you are keeping him there..or give you the words that can help you move on...you need to move on. x

[victoriaxxx]

Excatly. My reaction was the same thing. Run ! I mean you deserve honesty. Make the desicion for youself, because truthfully you are not doing anything wrong !