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A million and one things p4

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  • 2 weeks later...

Pg 3. 4 things in life that are certain, life, death, disclosure, and dont forget taxes. (Ben Franklin)


"No-one wants to be with someone who is needy, desperate, completely dependent on them, nervous, anxious" That is a relationship. Being needy and desperate for each other and being completely dependent on one another. That sounds like a deep deep love. Thats what I think everyone wants. I think with this youre opening your heart up somewhere its never been before and it could end up being the most love youve ever known. Having that neediness and desperateness and the dependency will only bring you closer to your soulmate.

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My heart aches to read your anguished thoughts. Here are a few thoughts from someone who has suffered through much of what you describe; I've had 28 years H+ now. I was 23 when I became H+. When I was 27 I started going to a counselor to deal with all of the overwhelming, devastating feelings I was experiencing and it helped me immeasurably. It ended up being an intensive six-year journey, dealing with much more than H, including childhood trauma, rape and self-esteem. This effort paid off in ways in which I am still benefiting.


At the risk of putting a certain song in your head: the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself. You must know that you ARE lovable and love yourself. H may teach you acceptance, most importantly accepting yourself. You still ARE worthy of "someone great." Don't let H define who you are or diminish your feelings of self worth. There really is no cause for shame, you must forgive yourself. You are human, humans have viruses, you have a virus. You didn't rob, kill or rape. You trusted someone. Learn to trust again. Don't let the fear of rejection stop you from progressing with the life you desire. Be fearless, fall in love, put your heart on the line.


I have never had one man reject me because of the H, and I have always told them BEFORE our first sexual encounter. Making yourself so vulnerable can have a very positive effect in bringing you closer together. On an aside, I have had men that told me they were not H+, only to find that they were all along, but in denial or cowardly. For instance, one claimed "Oh, that's jock itch." Right, sure, I KNOW what it is.


This last week, I thought I had given my fiancé H, and was quite freaked out. I insisted he take the meds, he got better and doesn't think he had it to begin with (denial, which tells me he may have had it before me). All relationships have their ups and downs, good times and bad. This is just one bump in the road.


Men, even the great ones you are dreaming of, have their flaws. Please know everyone has their flaws, this H is only physical, don't let it keep you from sharing all the wonderful things you have to offer.


By the way, I found that my greatest trigger for H is stress and depression, and have devoted my life to avoiding those two devils. This has been the positive side of the H.

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Hey @herexperience


i really appreciate you writing to me. Im going to try and get help...H has in some way made me look too deep... if that makes sense...its made me realise how ive been treated and it hurts alot.


I did think of whitney then ;) ...im going to keep re-reading your words. I know ill never be ready to deal with all that comes with meeting someonecwhen i have H....anxiety is just the worst feeling ever. I disclosed...it was successful...but the rship was so short lived for other reasons....this is why the emotions of h have impacted me soooo badly now...more than ever before....none of the stress and upset etc was worth it. Ive been used and i feel worse than i ever have. i cant be broken anymore now.



Its great u have never been rejected. Its nice to hear. You obviously pick good men. Im pleased youve been able to deal with so much and come out of it xx

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Amilliointhings, I don't think I have picked good men. I have picked myself up off the floor again and again, shrugged off the betrayals and indiscretions, coached myself not to take it personally (it is them, not me), and gotten back in the ring, confident that someday I will find the one.


I think most men are not that discerning, and on the other hand, others are more compassionate than we give them credit for. I have yet to meet one who had the courage to disclose their H status. I'm reminded of yet another relationship where he did not confess to having H, and as the relationship was ending and I was packing up and on my way out the door, I found bottles of Valtrex that had been prescribed to him long before meeting me.


I think all of these experiences I have had, have helped me take men less seriously; they don't hold that much power over my feelings any longer. I don't care what they think or if they judge me. I know who I am and I will be fine without them or their approval. I think self-confidence is a very attractive trait. You have to ask yourself, if they are good enough for YOU, my dear. Please stop thinking of yourself as damaged. Everyone has some damage. Hold your chin up and own all of the experiences you have had that have made you the strong woman you are.


My story has a happy ending. I was able to retire two years ago when we became engaged. We are planning our future. We have just bought an acre on a tropical island with a panoramic ocean view and are having our dream home built. I have been through the mill so to speak, and all those experiences have led me to this point.


I hope this helps in some small way.

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Oh another thing, with all of the expensive counselors and psychiatrists and group therapy I went through, ad nauseum, the best quality counseling I received was free. It was a program provided through our local government; there it was called Sexual Abuse Intervention. You may check to see if there is something available in your area. As survivors of rape, we qualify.

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I think we put a lot of emphasis on something we see as no longer attainable. For you it seems to be that love is something you no longer think you deserve. You're extremely hard on yourself. I understand how you see yourself as "dirty", I feel like that now. Everyone on this site has felt that way at one point or another. We aren't though. It can happen to anyone. Even those who didn't live a "dirty" lifestyle. I didn't. I was selective about who I chose to sleep with. You mention that you wouldn't have been with someone who disclosed to you that they had herpes. Were you ever faced with that? If you truly loved someone, and understood that this is just really a skin disease would you still have chose to not be with them? My guess is, if faced with it by someone you loved that your perspective would change.


I don't think your issue is that you're afraid no one will love you, you're afraid you will never love yourself. I know how terrifying that is. The way you feel now isn't because of the herpes. It's because of the way you have allowed yourself to see you. If it wasn't the herpes it would be something else. You have got to find a way to accept yourself, herpes and all. The way you're feeling now is no way to live.

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Youre a strong person @herexperience. Youre confidence is great. Youre happy ending sounds like a dream. Enjoy xx


hey @sparklepony ....ive never been in love, so i perhaps dont understsnd the power of it and the acceptance that comes with it. No, ive not been faced with it....but its irrelivant ...i have herpes now. And youre right...ill never love myself with this...and if i dont love myself...how can anyone else. Youre right, its no way to live. Its consuming and tiring and miserable. I really appreciate your kind words xxx

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JohnB "That is a relationship. Being needy and desperate for each other and being completely dependent on one another. That sounds like a deep deep love. Thats what I think everyone wants. I think with this youre opening your heart up somewhere its never been before and it could end up being the most love youve ever known. Having that neediness and desperateness and the dependency will only bring you closer to your soulmate."


Uh honey - if you are needy and desperate then you are going to be hurt. Just look at the two words. Merriam Webster definition


1) Needy: : needing a lot of attention, affection, or emotional support

2) Desperate: suffering extreme need or anxiety...suffering extreme need or anxiety


Needy, desperate people put all their self worth and happiness on their partner. That is a huge burden to put on someone. People who are needy and desperate in relationships usually end up in an abusive relationships because they have no sense of self worth. Needy and desperate people don't open their hearts to the other...they latch on to the other and hold on for dear life. Being "dependent" on another is extremely unhealthy and sets you up for a a very unhealthy relationship. My daughter was in a relationship with someone who was needy and desperate. He couldn't go very long without needing to know where she was. He had to know who she was with, what she was doing...wanted to do everything with her. At first she was flattered, but before long he started to suffocate her and she ended up turning to a guy who was balanced enough to let her have her own life AND be there for and with her without having to be in contact every 5 minutes.


When 2 people who are grounded, centered, and able to come together as two independent individuals who CHOOSE to be together (rather than "need"), who are there to support (rather than hold the other up), whose desire is the OTHER person's happiness (but they know that *they* cannot "make" the other person happy), you have a powerful, healthy union that is like no other. ;)


As @herexperience said (and she said a lot of great things!!) - you have to love YOURSELF first to be in a place to be in a healthy relationship....





I'm so sorry that life wasn't fair to you - it sucks and I can't imagine your pain from being raped. That is something we can't really help you with here and I'm glad you are going to try to get help..... because it has robbed you of your self love and until you learn to love YOU (with OR without Herpes) you will not be in a great place to create a healthy relationship. H is acting to force you to look in that mirror, to face your "stuff" (and Honey, we ALL have stuff!) and work on it. THAT is the Herpes "Opportunity" that we are working with here....


And BTW, Adrial is a great Life Coach and has developed a great Home Study course that you may want to look into when we finish with the Beta version (Which is in process right now.... the first participants are working with it now!). I would contact him and see about working with him through Skype. I think he could help you a lot ;)



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Exactly dancer....how am i ever not going to needy...because i need the acceptance etc from someone to feel normal...i know because the only time i truly felt like myself.


To be a healthy r ship its ok to be co-dependant...but i think you need to habe some of your own life too and not need your partner to make you feel whole


Ok...thankyou i will think about it


i have herpes dancer...i know it...i get it...i know the facts etc....i know its normal to have it. My struggle now is my anxiety and upset of knowing that in the future i will have to face the anxiety...its just too much. I tell myself to stop as i havent even met anyone. But my recent experiemce of meeting someone rsther than helping...has made me realise just how bad the anxiety is etc...i have no problem being vulnerable...but to get rejected over this...something i can never change etc...is what cripples me in moving forward. Meeting sumone habing that compaionship, sex etc...has just highlighted what im missing and have been missing...i want that in my life. And yer, i do need it. I dont want to kerp living a lonely life. Friendships dont bring that level of intamcy. They dont fill that void. If that makes sense. Xx

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Would you feel bad if someone "rejected" you because of something else that they may learn about you? H is just a "deal breaker" for some, that's all.


I dated someone for awhile who I eventually learned had some sexual preferences that were a turn off for me...that I couldn't get beyond. He promised me he could live without them but this was something he had engaged in from the time he was a teen and I knew he would have to keep going back there one way or the other so I eventually ended it. There was nothing wrong with him Or his preferences ... but it was something I CHOSE to not live with.


Most of our deal breakers are out in the open pretty quickly...smoking, children, age, height, bat-shit craziness, whatever :p And most will pass you up because of these things before there is more than a flutter of interest. But because of the stigma, we hide it until we are becoming attached then take it personally if they choose to not continue the relationship after they learn of this one part of us.


You have to learn to let go of the idea that H makes you unlovable.... it's not H, it's the other person's personal preference of what they want to live with and its ok for them to choose to not want to live with it. I had a smoker recently try to convince me I should go out with him. I don't want to live with a smoker and that's my right and it doesn't make him "bad".


When you wrap your head around this then it will get a LOT easier to disclose my friend :)


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Ofcourse id feel bad...but i would get past it. Id move on. It would be psrt of me i might actually need to change. Or it vould be somerhing i like about myself ...in which case i wouldnt care if they didnt like it. H is something i have that i have no control of...i cant change...its in my body. Its not a characteristic or habit. If a person didnt like me enough as a person or we werent compatible then we wouldnt be suited. H isnt me.


Im trying to word it right....my attractivr personality traits...my confidence...being fun and vare free...easy going... able to joke about myself... i know from my recent exoerience i could be those things...but it was like an act because really underneath i was covering up the traits i have now...over sensitive, no self estemm..a worrier. I was never any of those things. Its like i had to act. Underneath i was an anxious mess. This isnt going to change with someone again because i know when i like someone...that sparks there...so i know i want to get to know them. But all of this makes me frightened to. You dont have to like soneone on a deep level to know youd want to have sex and that ur attracted to them.


If somone likes me, is intersted...pursues me etc.... and its mutual. Then i disclose and reject...it means they feel they couldnt see me as someone they could love....= unloveable.


Its great you have so much self esteem :)



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I feel for you hon...all that undeserving and unlovable crap having its grip on you. And you are being so honest with yourself...that's a painful process to go through and H throws you right in it.


I don't know if you really see the truths that you are speaking...


"H has in some way made me look too deep... if that makes sense...its made me realise how ive been treated and it hurts alot."


"i was covering up the traits i have now...over sensitive, no self esteem..a worrier"


Yes you literally were covering these things...they were already there before H only nothing in your life was big enough to uncover them for you to work on. Now you can see them and work on them. I think they have been buried from your traumatic past experience. I was attacked by four young men when I was 11, I got away but it haunted me for a long time. As painful as it is right now H is probably bringing stuff up for you to heal. And you can't heal it if it doesn't come out...feeling desperate like you are means you are wanting to let it go.


And yes get some help, we all need help and guidance and support at times like this. It gets too big in our head to do it alone. I am so glad you reached out on here.


You CAN heal...and I am sending you so much healing energy right now. Your thoughts are your biggest enemy and they aren't real, and can be changed. I'm not saying this just to make you feel better..I'm talking from experience. And it is actually easier to stay with the negative depreciating and dark thoughts than do the work to replace them with positive healing ones...and we are the only ones who can do this. And we have to do it every moment of every day.


If I said that I could guarantee you healing and the things you want in life if you did that, would you do it? Would you take that leap of faith and practice it all the time, even when you could see no change...believing that it will change if you keep at it?


I have been through a lot of really difficult stuff through my life and know that feeling of thinking I cannot change how I feel and being stuck. But I learned to overcome EVERYTHING with perseverance, getting help when I couldn't do it alone, imagining what I wanted, being thankful everyday for the good things in my life (doing that alone makes those things grow!).


It sounds so disgustingly simple (and you are probably thinking 'what a load of shit") and it actually is simple...but you don't 'get it' until you practice it unfailingly though a lot of time where you don't 'get it' but do it anyway.


I wish I could spend a day with you just hanging out and talking and connecting. But seeing I can't I will keep sending you good thoughts and healing energy every day. And I am sending you the biggest hug. xx



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@lelani....thankyou so much for taking your time to write here.



This is the thing...i dont think these traits were there. I was so confident, honestly. The only thing i used to feel a bit concious of was not being slim...so i lost loads of weight and felt and looked great! Since H i just dont bother. I can look good on the outside but i feel shitty inside. H has made me look deeper...but not in a good way...when shitty things had happened before H...id be like, right...its shit its happened...it shouldnt have...but it did....and i was strong enough to know id deal with them...and i did because i was worth it. And they r things that didnt effect my sexual health or things that could infect someone else. H puts others at risk...and i cant change H. I couldnt have had safer sex if i tried...i cant even learn a lesson from it.


Definitely our thoughts can make or break us. I sit and i do say...fuck it, i have it, its nearly 5 years of H....igot it, i cant chsnge it...and it wont beat me....and the reason it does is because i live on edge...i may have to be rejected because of it...i try to think positive...like it might never happen...but i cant...because i dont know. Noone can tell me it wont happen. I cant be like my friends...theyve split up with someone, learnt from it...and like anyone get upset and then they go out and get bsck in the game and meet someone else. That privelege is taken away from me. Im still thinking of a man who i had a fling with and successfully disclosed to...i shouldnt be...but i am. I cant let go of how i felt when it was all ok and i was accepted and that i put up with his ex girlfriend baggage because of H! Its so desperate. I should be able to be like my friends. Its like i can manage to do ok...but only if i tell myself i accept ill be on my own. Thats its just what my future will be.


I do think postively sometimes...but it creeps in. H reminds me that i can feel ok...but its there to ruin my next ecperience of meeting someone. Anxiety about anxiety is my core problem. As i said above i think :/ its like i have to accept how difficult things will be. I cant cope with anymore heartbreak. I want to meet thst one person...and that be it. So its over. I need some luck on my side.


Oh lelani thats terrible, and so frightening at 11! So sorry that happened to you :( im glad you were able to overcome it. Proud of you x


you see...if i didnt have such a care for others and a big heart...this wouldnt be such a big deal. I wouldnt care if i passed it on. Id put myself and my needs first. But its just not me...its not my nature...i care deeply for others. I cant change that part of me. My morals are so high...if they werent i could be selfish...but im not a selfish person...and i believe in trust and honesty. And im so loyal to those i care about.



Imagining what i want etc...like 'the secret' have you seen it? Its about being grateful for what you have and only thinking of what you want, which will in turn attract it. The law of attraction. If you havent seen it, its pretty good stuff.


I struggle to know i have something in my body...i dont want. I cant get it out. I dont want this virus and i never want to pass it to another person. I wish there just wasnt a risk when you didnt have OB's that would make it a little more bareable. and noooo i dont think what a load of shit..not at all.


I feel like it doesnt matter that i accept it. I got it...fine. but it doesnt make a difference someone else miggt not accept it...then im back to square one. Theres only so much faith and hope you can have til ur warn out. Its a constant battle with myself. I have no control over how someone may react to it...and this kills me because i cant change it. I cant say ill stop doing this or that or ill work on it....i habe to aay.. ok well i have it for life and it wont go away and if u risk it with me snd get it...you have it for life.


That would be so nice :) and helpful im sure! I appreciate your support alot. thankyou xxx




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Hey we are all here to support each other and it is a privilege to be able to do that for you...I had the support when I needed it too and so appreciated it.


Ok...the traits were there...there just wasn't something huge enough to expose them. If they weren't there in the first place they couldn't surface. And yes H is making you look deeper than you have ever gone before...it happens to great people.


The whole thinking positive thing is like lifting weights or training for a big game, race...whatever. You have to train every day, think about it all the time and think about winning or reaching the goal..really feeling like you are there and have succeeded. healing your mind and heart with H is no different. Its and ongoing process and commitment to yourself to heal.


I learned how to do apply myself like that when I was 23 with a new premmie baby and I got sick and was given 6 months to life. It's a bloody good incentive to try it. I decided I wanted to heal and feel good again and I was prepared to change everything, including my fearful and negative thoughts (and its bloody scary being told you are going to die).


I worked on changing every negative thought into a positive one. I started a gratitude journal (couldn't find much to start with but I learned to look for more). I spent about 10 minutes when I woke up and again when i went to sleep imagining how it would feel to be well again, to be seeing my baby get married one day and feeling happy, to be doing things I loved. It's that kind of commitment, and a lot of the time I felt like it wasn't doing anything..but I persisted...it taught me about faith.


Again you have spoken your own truth...


"I do think postively sometimes...but it creeps in. H reminds me that i can feel ok...but its there to ruin my next ecperience of meeting someone. Anxiety about anxiety is my core problem."


He isn't there to ruin anything, its just there, like it is for millions of us. The only thing we can change, and that can heal us and bring us happiness, is our own thoughts. Thoughts are energy and they create....what you think about expands.


So when those negative thoughts creep in (and that you are aware of them is a good thing!), find a positive thought to exchange it with. Create a positive thought, its hard to start with but you get better at it. It's your thoughts that create anxiety, and your thoughts can create happiness too...H or no H. Your aim is to get more positive thoughts for more of the time..that's all.


When I got HPV and then Herpes I started going down the negative unworthy road..but the skills I Learned when I was dying came back to me. I started all over again doing the same stuff to heal, it took a year or two but it has worked.


Now I feel healthy again (I have learned to think of H as sleeping, and I do things to keep it asleep). I eat well, have worked hard to have a job I love, I do things I love and be around people who are good for me, I find ways to contribute to the world so I have a sense of purpose bigger than me. And most of all have build amazing friendships...and the level of intimacy with them is awesome - they all know I have Herpes and have been supportive and it has made our connection deeper. men come and go through your life but friends are around for a lot longer.


Once I did all this I met my special man. I have been living with him for a almost a year now, and he doesn't even think of me having Herpes. If he gets it from me...I don't know how I will feel, gutted most likely. But I also know he has knowingly taken this risk so I don't feel and overwhelming responsibility about it anymore.


I took the same risk with the man I contracted it from. It didn't work out with him but we are still friends...and he has a lovely woman in his life now too. Because I am now ok with having Herpes and HPV (doesn't mean I like having them, they are just a part of my life now and not a big part) I know my man will be ok too. It would make it easier if we both had it but he doesn't so we work around it.


Sweetie we don't know what is going to happen and situations reveal us. It's what we do then that makes us.


This situation is revealing you, peeling back layers and taking you to the deepest part of yourself..now its up to you what you choose to do with it. You can stay thinking these thoughts, and stay where you are. Or...you can choose another way. Yes read the Secret...read Louise Hay, Depak Chopra, Dr Wayne Dyer...so many amazing people to guide you. You just have to do some work and I know you are able to do it...if I can anyone can!


Another Hug :-) x

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Thanks Lelani


ok, so i keep saying it...but i feel like no-one believes me...its BECAUSE of herpes i suffer with anxiety and depression and feel nervous and worry when i meet someone...I was NOT those things before! Its BECAUSE of herpes. Telling myself it isnt, means im lying to myself and trying to tell myself i was all these things...I WASNT! Theres no deep thing here....i wish there was...but there isnt...take away herpes and all of those things would melt away. The world would be my oyster.


Wow..well done for getting through all of that. Thats amazing.


I do try to think positively...but like i said. I will HAVE to deal with it. Im simply not strong enough...and i can take advice and say ' if i get rejected for this, its fine, ill be fine'...but its not fine and i wont be. It would break me to my core. It would confirm everything i feel about it.


Im pleased ur so happy with someone, thats great Lelani xx


Trust me, i know me, no internal positive thoughts are going to bring me happiness and contentment and fulfilment.....no way. I just accept im alone...seriously 5 whole years with only one breif fling for a couole of months. I Need human touch, sex etc. Its not normal.


Going deep into yourself is ok...i also think it can be dangerous...it makes everything so intense and deep...its life...it doesnt need to be...i should be busy living not analysing myself because of herpes...its never ending because i got it for life. Its gross. 2 weeks now of blisters popping up. Its distguisting...i hate my own genitals!! How can i expect someone to be ok with it??


thanks for the hug xx....you sound quite british in how you right...like 'bloody"...we use in the uk alot :) xx

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I'm sending you tons of hugs... I totally get your struggle. I done the whole on my own thing (was 8 years for me). I went for 5 and half years without even looking at another man..and that was before I got Herpes..it took me that long to heal from leaving my marriage.


Now I know I am going to sound like a bloody (such good work that ;-) - I'm a kiwi) broken record and you may roll your eyes at me BUT herpes is only a trigger. It's not the cause of your feelings, your thoughts about it are. When things are going smoothly with only a few hitches in life we have no idea what fears and negative thought patterns lie underneath. Then something cuts us to the core and the shadow side of us comes out into the light. We think what we are going through has suddenly made us anxious and depressed...but it just exposes parts of us we didn't know.


If it wasn't herpes it would be something else...life throws us stuff to learn and grow. In the times of my life where I have thought I have it sussed WHAM...it reminds me that I don't. I don't get kicked in the arse by it so much anymore...I think because I have worked through so much and know and trust the process I need to work through to find balance and peace again.


You know how I said what you think about expands?


"It's never ending and I've got it for life. It's gross...its disgusting....I hate my own genitals..."


Those thoughts expanding will give you two weeks of blisters and more. And believe me I know what that's like - my first episode dragged on for seven months almost non stop. I had to change all those exact same thoughts (which I hid under a fake smile and I'm ok mask) ...when I did change them, miraculously my body settled down and H finally decided to sleep. I use the same techniques when I have episodes now and they are short and annoying at the most.


Isn't it worth trying something that has worked for others (and I'm not talking just about Herpes - positive thoughts are the cornerstone of ALL successful people, whatever their success may be). Thoughts may be invisible but they are like wind and radio signals...you can't see them but they are powerful energies.


"Trust me, i know me, no internal positive thoughts are going to bring me happiness and contentment and fulfillment.....no way."


Why no way? And you only know who you are now...not who you can be in the future. And trust me...the only way to have happiness, contentment and fulfillment is to learn to harness good thoughts. Life will throw us all sorts of hard stuff, only we can control how we deal with it.


I'm not a Pollyanna..although you are probably thinking that. And I am probably pissing you off too...if I am that's good because I am challenging the way you see yourself...and you are way bigger than where you are stuck now.


You CAN expect someone to be ok with you having Herpes...I was ok with it, my partner now is ok with it...my lovers before him were too. Millions of others are too...they just can't find you until you get unstuck.


Ok - more hugs coming your way. I'm just gonna keep sending them :-) xxx

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ok, so i keep saying it...but i feel like no-one believes me...its BECAUSE of herpes i suffer with anxiety and depression and feel nervous and worry when i meet someone...I was NOT those things before!


Remember when you wrote your 10 page "story" and I said I don't think you WANT to change??? THIS is exactly what I was talking about. You are very determined to stick to your story that you can't change, life sucks, and everything is all "Herpes' fault"....and no matter what many of us have said, you are bound and determined that no matter how many of us try to coach you through this, you are determined that nothing will change, so why try?


If you WANT to change, I will comment and give my input again, but I need an agreement from you that you are willing to be COACHABLE. that you are willing to try something on that you think is stupid and crazy and it won't work. Because Lelani has just given you the keys to the kingdom and you are holding on to your belief so hard that you would think your life depends on it... and in a way, it does.... you are depending on having this "reason" for everything to be crap from now on so you don't have to look deep... because looking deep is scary as all hell and it will bring us stuff you don't want to face.


25 MILLION Americans have Herpes. Somehow the majority of us manage to have really "normal" lives .... so you can either CHOOSE to be COACHABLE and learn from those of us who have lived with this a lot longer than you and who have learned how to put it in it's place (because right now, you are ALLOWING it to run your life) or you can remain a victim to a crappy little virus that pops up in a really inconvenient place.


Sorry to pull out the "Tough Love" card on you my friend. I am here for you to succeed and LEARN from the message H has been sent to give to you (because as Lelani said "If it wasn't herpes it would be something else...life throws us stuff to learn and grow. ".). But I only have so much time to give here and if you don't want to be coachable, well, I will step out of this conversation until you get fed up with living as you are right now.


I really, REALLY hope you will choose to be ready to let go of your stance that nothing will ever change for you. But it has to come from you....


(((HUGS))) my friend.





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Thanks @lelani ....my feelings are because of herpes...my thoughts are because i dont like herpes and how its limited so much for me and the fact i think its gross...always have...before i got it. If it wasn't for herpes...it would be nothing else...im not a person who looks for problems. I have always though std's are gross...did i make jokesz etc..no way. But its my preference they are gross and unattractive...because having a sore on my vagina is...2 weeks ...one is gone...another appears. Im sure if i was healthier they would lesspn. But you see when you suffer depression because theres somethibg in your body you cant change...going to the gym doesnt make a difference. It mte make me feel a bit better...it might aggrivate the herpes...but most importantly it wont change herpes.


i think circumstances make a huge difference...and the age we are in our lives when dealing with it. For example...i read a post on here by someone who has it...but is ok...why? Because she is engaged..she doesnt have to date or disclose or be single, she has support from her partner. If that was me...would i like it...no..but would i be ok...yes. also people who were/ are married when they got it...same thing...and beibg older dating with it...its a different ball game thabeing on your twentys and the expectatuon and pressure you shpuld be in a r'ship...and if youre not....why not? ....this is never ending in conversations. Being older and wiser...sure that helps...and having things like childrenwho are mpre important than herpes....think that makes a difference for those people.


My desire...isnt to be on my own...so learning to be happy on my own sucks. Ive spent my adult life on my own.


Youre words are great lelani...you havent pissed me off. you give warmth and kindness...its very kind of you


I want to change...i want to be the person i was. These blisters remind me why i cant...and why meetong someone ia fucking awful. Anxiety, lies, being a traitor...getting to know someone...keeping a secret tol youve pulled them in enough to like you...then letting them know. Ive never had to lie...hold secrets.



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Any dating coach would tell you that you don't talk about things that are very intimate about yourself UNTIL the person is WORTHY of that information. That isn't lying... that is VETTING them. When we first start dating we don't know the person well enough to tell them our deepest, darkest stuff.... for someone else, it might be that they were raped (which for many, is deeply shaming even tho it's not their fault), that they have a psycho ex, or that they are a recovering alcoholic. I'm as transparent as they come sister, and until I chose to come out (because if I was going to advocate for the H community I felt I had to be OK with my H status...and I was... I only withheld my status for the last 5 years or so because of the societal expectations that I should) I only had a few friends who knew. I told prospective partners when things started to get steamy and I knew they needed to know before we proceeded)


So you can either do as I have done, and come completely out (it's very liberating and not half as bad as I figured it would be but you have to be ok with walking away from anyone who is ugly about it...) or you play by societal rules and wait until the person has EARNED the right to know. That isn't lying. It's taking care of YOU first.

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I want to move on...because i deserve to be treated bettee...but i cant...this H has me frozen with fear of the hurt of rejection and/or this all happening again. He even said i deserve better. Im one of the nicest people hes ever met. Do you understand more now?....where my hurtis...where my fears are...how trusting is difficult enough...but with H to deal with in dating situations too it feels impossible like i dont ever...cant ever be hurt again. Xx ps. Sorry for another essay!! :/

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I get it that I gave you a big pill to swallow..... but sometimes we have to take medicine that is tough to swallow, eh?


Again... you are getting all into your "story"... but go back and read it to yourself as though you are reading someone else's post. In fact, go back and read your 10 page post too. Pretend that you are reading someone else's story. What would you say to them??


Right now you are getting a benefit by blaming Herpes for your romantic issues. It's easy to say all this happened because of Herpes. You wouldn't have stayed with him if you didn't have it (I don't buy that ... he seems to be very skilled at stringing women along....) You implicate he chose to go back to the GF because of your Herpes. I don't buy that either. The man is a CON and you fell for it. Period.


And you are afraid of getting hurt again...and I TOTALLY get that (believe me, I had a love who left me for other reasons and it took me 2 years to get over it....that was when I started doing the work I pass on now because the emotional pain was so bad).


I have done a LOT of work to get here ... been coached by many people who told me what Lelani and I have been telling you. And I thought they were crazy too. I thought I had no other option but to suffer and live a loveless life. I had to learn to change my thinking... to see things differently....and it started to work.


The human brain is a pretty fascinating, and sometimes scary, thing. But one of the wonderful things is that you CAN train it to react differently to your circumstances.


Now, regarding trust? That wouldn't be any different with or without Herpes. I think that you don't trust YOURSELF to find and "vet" someone... you fell into the charms of a guy who keeps a GF for his day to day needs and plays someone (very possibly more than one) on the side....so he always has an option. Yes, H made you more likely to hope that it would work and possibly helped you to justify his behavior but he sounds like he was a smooth operator and I think he could have just as easily charmed is way into your heart even w/o herpes. He played you like a fish ... and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker :(


How can i ever trust again...how can i ever let anyone near me


We ALL say that.. no one likes to "start again". Dating sucks...esp if you are hoping for a life partner and not just a quick hook-up. And rejection IS one of the biggest emotional triggers known to man.... it affects us at a deep PHYSICAL as well as emotional level. When you realize that it's a normal reaction/emotion then you realize that you can live through it....and I've been finding that each rejection (for various reasons) gets easier now.... I know it's a process and I allow myself to go through it rather than fighting it BUT it doesn't consume me like it did that first time. I'm telling you this because you need to understand that you don't HAVE to be like this forever. Yes, you are hurting, but at some point you have to commit to doing the work to move on and creating your own self love, self worth, and happiness.


I suggest first you go back and read your story like I said at the beginning. As tho you were reading someone elses' story. Start there, come back, and tell me what you see.


I know you don't believe us, but you CAN get beyond this. But it will take work.....think of what Lelani and I are saying as trying on a new outfit that you are convinced you won't like or that won't be a fit. Try it on for awhile, eh? Even if the whole "outfit" doesn't work for you, perhaps you will find things that start to help you to move in a better direction. Sometimes that's all we need.... movement ... something to help us to see that there IS another way, for us to move on and get to a better place ;)



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