No Clue What to do or think...

[Scared123]

Hello everyone. I just found you this morning and must say, it is great to see such a supportive group of people. I have been reading threads and it's good to see that I'm not alone in my recent experiences. At this point, I'll just explain my situation and get it off my chest.

 

So I am a 35 year old man. Dating has been difficult for me the last few years. I spent a good chunk of my life as a raging alcoholic and drug abuser. The lighter "recreational" drugs, mind you, but still abused them. I sobered up about 2 years ago and have been wanting to get my life back on track. I've been dating, but it is so hard and awkward for me that I had almost just called it quits. But about 5 months ago I met a girl that I'd be lying if I said I wasn't falling in love with. She has herself together yet has hinted at the fact that she was in rough shape through her 20's. When we started dating I said multiple times that I wanted to be safe with sex and not worry. I told her about the fact that I am have/had HPV and she mentioned nothing about anything. I've been happy as can be.

 

Then last night she had 2 glasses of wine, which is weird, she doesn't usually drink too often, but hey...whatever floats your boat. I guess she decided it was time to give me full disclosure of everything. She proceeds to tell me she has had herpes for about 10 years. She told me she hasn't even had a sign of an OB in 8 years and is on antivirals always to keep everything undercheck. I was shocked. She told she has had multiple serious relationships and never spread it to any of the men she dated. I'm not quite sure this makes me feel any better. So I didn't sleep last night, reading and informing myself to herpes (which I wasn't ignorant to, but certainly didn't know the in-depth details). I have felt many things in the last 24 hours. Fear, sadness, anger, etc. I'm angry because she took it upon herself to not tell me up front. But I understand why she didn't. But she stripped me of my option to make a conscious choice on my own about this. I went to the doctor and will get tested for everything tomorrow, but I still just feel heart broken.

 

I see the stories of people here in relationships in which one partner has it and one does not. I don't know if I can do that. Especially after, what I perceive as, this huge breach of trust. If I have it, I still have this voice in the back of my head about what else isn't she telling me. If I don't have it, that voice is still there, but I'm not entirely sure I can stay in a relationship with her. So regardless of how I test out, I feel like I don't know if this trust thing is something I can get past. Plus, I don't know if I could continue to be intimate with her. And that makes me feel like this huge asshole...I just want to hug her and tell her things will work out. But I'm not entirely sure that's true. And I know I am most likely playing into this herpes stigma I keep hearing about here and how H is your wingman, but...I just don't know. I'm just so upset and sad and angry and hurt and scared and everything inbetween.

 

So I just wanted to get that out there. Thanks you all for making me feel better this morning when just about every 5 miutes I felt like I was going to throw up. Peace.

 

 

[Herexperience]

Please bear in mind that it was extremely difficult for her to tell you. She more than likely has been agonizing over it since she met you. She must really like you to reveal this and will probably be a very vigilant protector of your welfare.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I'm going to keep quiet on this. I didn't like some of the things you have said. We aren't nasty people, your post makes me feel that way. Like we are undeserving of love. If you love her you will accept it, if you don't let her go so she can find someone who truly loves her regardless of a stupid skin problem. If you have done your research then you realize it's not that serious. Chances are low. Decision is on you. She should have been up front, but you have no idea how scary that is. For someone to say, you aren't worth a 1% or 2% risk. That's absolutely terrifying. Heartbreaking. If it's a dealbreaker for you, fine, but make that decision now and let her go and don't drag it out if you can't handle a 1% or 2% risk. That isn't fair to her heart.

[abc123]

Yes, I agree with experience... It was probably the worst feeling having to tell you. Hence the wine! It is agonizing to say the least. She does care about you deeply because she was obviously very nervous about it. Yes, she should have told you before you slept together. But if you care for her, think about it and let your heart lead you. Many relationships are perfectly fine. Let us know what happens. Most of all be kind. abc123

[WCSDancer2010]

@Scared123

 

First, welcome...glad you found us. It says a lot that you came here for answers from the people who deal with H every day.

 

So really, the bottom line is the breach of trust. And that is totally understandable. We try to encourage people here to disclose before becoming intimate. But fear of rejection, the "stigma", and even ignorant doctors telling people that they can't pass it unless they are having an OB so they don't have to tell partners (not true) causes many to wait until they feel "safe" to tell their partner. And not having an OB can make people complacent. And to be honest, she may not know about asymptomatic shedding (many who have had the virus for years are well behind on their information) are really believed she won't pass it on without an OB.

 

I think you do get this... and as someone who places a lot of value on honesty and trust, I hear your upset and anger. And it's ok to feel that way.

 

Regarding the testing, you will need to be tested again in 4-6 months from last contact to be 100% sure of your status.... However, it's entirely possible you have had it anyway... so many are not tested when they get an STD test but believe they were tested... so if you test positive you may or may not have got it from her unless you were tested before you got intimate.

 

So here's my thought. If you really, really care for her and had real thoughts of this relationship having value and the possibility of longevity before she disclosed, then don't throw it all out just yet. Make it clear to her that while you are concerned about the virus and you are learning about it and what it might mean for you, it's actually the breach of trust that is really, really at the root of your anger and upset. Give yourself time to learn more about what Herpes really is... how we live with it, how we can protect our partners, etc. I think that for now, you may want to stop the intimacy..not because of the issue of getting the virus, but because sex will just complicate the issue right now, especially if you are concerned about catching it from her.

 

Why not try to go back to dating... pretend that she disclosed to you before your first intimate contact. Slow things down. See if the relationship is strong enough to continue. Don't make any really fast decisions about this.... take time to get educated and to search deep inside yourself about what is right for YOU. See if you can re-establish trust with her.

 

None of us are perfect... we all have said and done things that we regret...usually out of fear of being rejected..... your GF made a grave error of judgement ... BUT ... she DID tell you in the end. She DID realize she had to take the risk of losing you in order to restore her integrity. That tells me a lot about her. She loves you enough to realize you should have that choice to stay or to go. It took her an extreme amount of courage (aided by 2 glasses of wine!) to tell you. Give her that.

 

You may need to take time alone to figure out what you need. Or perhaps slowing down the relationship will help you get clarity. Either way, make sure she knows that this is as much or more about the breach of trust (by taking so long to tell you) as it is about the virus. She will need to know that whatever happens, she needs to be honest in the future about things of this magnitude, AND that a breach of trust is a MUCH bigger killer of relationships than any virus will ever be.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

[Amillionthings]

And this post is what kills me....look what H ruins....makes everything such a big deal...means someone who is falling in love with someone STILL considers walking away. How are we suppose to have the confidence to date etc?? .... all the decisions lie on one person in the relationship...so much for equality. This post just set me right back. Shows you being a good person just isnt enough :(

[Amillionthings]

Also...if you found it hard and awkward to date...imagine how people with herpes feel...we're constantly stigmatised for getting a cold sore...we spend time to get to know someone and then despite how much they like us...they can reject....now that is hard and awkward...and heartbreaking.cast out for something we cant change.

 

Remember this woman accepted you with all of your past history...a raging drug and alcohol abuser..as you say....and knowing you had/have an std of your own. Pretty decent woman in my eyes. You cant change your past...and its great youve had a turning point and changed things around....imagine if she just couldnt see past it...despite changing your life.....imagine how youd feel. You made choices and could change....with herpes it happens and you cant change it...no matter how much you want to.....imagine how frustrating that is for a person.

 

Can i ask you....if she would have disclosed before you had sex...would it have made a difference?? Or would you still question if shes worth your time. You seem to have been worth hers despite your own flaws.

 

Hope she's ok. Can imagine how she's feeling. Pretty awful and incredibly vulnerable.

Im sorry she wasnt upfront straight away...but im sure you understand why she didnt...look at the outcome.

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@Amillionthings

 

Honey - AGAIN, this is just one of many, MANY things that @scared123 could have "discovered" about his GF that might make him walk away.... AND I believe that it's more his perceived deception than it is the virus that is upsetting him (I could be wrong here but that is what I am reading). She had sex with him before she told him...didn't give him the choice about the risk... and not just once or twice but for months. So I can understand why he would be upset.

 

Trust takes time to build and moments to lose. He was honest about his past.... and his HPV status. That would have been the perfect time for her to disclose... but her fear, and possible ignorance (she may believe that she is "safe" when not shedding which could cause her to think it was ok to not disclose immediately as long as she didn't have sex during an OB) caused her to make a very poor decision to withhold her status.

 

This point will be pivotal in their relationship.... this is when they will find out if they can both have the hard conversations that need to be had for a relationship to last. In the end, they may break up because Scared123 has lost trust in her to a point that he can't move past it. Or they may work though this ... and have a much stronger foundation because they learned how to talk about things that really need to be said, even when there is a risk of hurting the other or being hurt yourself. That is a skill that is terribly lacking in relationships today.

 

So don't see this as "proof" that we are all doomed because of a virus.... for both Scared123 and his GF, this has the potential to be a huge learning experience about the importance of honesty and integrity, including cleaning up a mess once it's been made. Whatever happens between them, they will grow through this....

 

And @Scared123 ... can you please let your GF know about us??? If she had come on here before she met you this whole conversation might not be happening. She needs support from people like us who understand her fears that caused her to wait to tell you for so long. She obviously loves you.... otherwise, why tell you now? Remember that, and, as @abc123 said, whatever you do, be kind.

[HerryTheHerp]

Scared, I haven't written anything in a while, but saw your post and just feel the need to say something. As a 36-year old guy who just got this li'l gift a few months ago I can relate a little bit.

 

I can't say that I blame you for how you feel. I was with someone who didn't disclose to me before the mattress mambo, and well, 5 months later it still pisses me off something fierce. I feel cheated, and yes, it has cost me a potential relationship with an amazing woman that, well, I'd waited to meet for a great many years.

 

That said, the past is the past and you have to let it stay there. It's done. That goes for recent events, too. You've both gone through rough patches and you got to call it even on that score. Now, I'm not going to let her off the hook for not disclosing. In my book, that's a big no-no, especially since you disclosed your HPV status. She broke the trust barrier and that's gonna need some tending to on both your parts.

 

Here's the rub; most HPV strains and herpes are the Backstreet Boys of STD's. They're annoying, but utterly harmless and rarely come out to play. They're incurable, and no one likes to admit they have them. But, they won't kill you, cause you to go sterile, or leave any long-term physical damage. They'll mess with your mind, but rarely do any damage to your body.

 

Now, you said you were falling for her. That's awesome. It's a powerful feeling and everyone on this board knows how amazing it is. Most of us wake up every day hoping we'll feel that again, and have someone feel it for us. I'm sure your gal does, too. In fact, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how much she was smiling at the thought of it, the feel of it, the dream of it when you weren't around. For her, I can guarantee you it's a feeling she never thought she'd have again.

 

Where am I going with this? Have you ever wanted to be the white knight? You ever wanted to suit up in armor and ride that white horse into battle for the love of a woman? Well, this is your chance. This is your hell or high water moment. If you are truly falling for her and thinking she's someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, if you forgive her and stand beside her right now, well, it just might lead to happily ever after both of you have been searching for all your lives.

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

I <3 you Herry.... and we've missed you here... 'bout time you popped in!

 

 

[Scared123]

Sooo...I'm going to dig this one out of the crates. It's been a bit since I wanted to visit this site to be honest. I perhaps should have cooled down a bit before I posted back then. I was pissed at the moment and some of the responses i didn't care for at the time. First things first. I, in no way, meant to disrespect or judge any of you regarding anything. H-related or otherwise. It was not in my intentions so I sincerely apologize to those of you who I might have offended. What I didn't say in my post, was although the disclosure of herpes was quite a shock after months of intimacy, what was terrible was the way in which she told me, along with a few other non-H related matters, which made the whole herpes thing kind of seem like small potatoes somewhat (nothing STD related) comparatively speaking. Topped off with a cherry of not wanting to talk about it at all after the reveal. She kind of just shut down and went to bed.

 

So, needless to say, i was a bit unimpressed, upset and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't freaking out about the whole big-picture of the previous nights "one way" discussion. I immediately got a full range STD screen and all results came back normal. The next few months might have been the worst months of my life. Because I did and still do care quite a bit for this girl. I wanted to be A-OK with everything she told me (not just the H topic). But things that she has been living with for years and was no big deal for her, wasn't something I could just be ok with over-night. The whole ordeal made me look at things, not just her and I, but life altogether and what is and isn't important, with a completely different perspective. And what Dancer said about it being a breach of trust...is 100% correct. If she had told me these things right off the bat would I have stuck around to see where this went? Probably not. Those of you who are on this board that do have H...if you had been given a choice of whether or not to get it from someone you hardly knew at the time, regardless of knowing what you know now...it being a blown out of proportion stigma, a skin rash that shows up now and then, and in reality not being that big of a deal...would you have chosen to contract it? Probably not. Regardless of how hard it is to tell someone, it is now your responsibility to do so. I am not trying to sound insensitive, although I know I come off as such. If you to get to know me in real life, you might find that I am actually far more empathetic and understanding than you would ever imagine.

 

So in the past months, I have tried to learn as much as I can about everything. I find conflicting information on H. I find people and sites that seem as if they were written by complete morons. I find sites that seem like they are on top of the ball with info, this being one of them. Her and I are still together. Things are up and down for me between us for me. That one night, months ago, changed a lot for me. I think too much. About everything. All the time. I lay out every scenario and think about everything that could be said or done from said scenario. Then lay out every possibility I can think of from each of those threads. Although the H thing isn't on the top of my mind, it is something I worry about now and then. If I knew it was her and I for the long haul, it wouldn't matter. But I'm not so sure about us all the time. Am I over-thinking things? Yes. Makes me miss putting a liter of Jack in my stomach (2 years sober last week). I have never moved so slow in a relationship. Feeling each other out and what not. She's such an asshole...but I like it. Not many people, much less women, can meet me at my level of assholery. I think back to the way she told me everything, knowing her the way I know her now, and honestly, I can't see her saying it any other way. It was still a shitty way to tell me everything but I suppose it's part of her...I dunno, "charm" shall we say.

 

And seeing as I have rambled for so long, perhaps I can get to this whole thing now with a clearer head. The girl has had this for going on 10 years. Takes the antivirals twice a day. Hasn't had an OB in 8 from what she tells me. Has told me that she doesn't think me getting it is something I ever have to worry about. I feel she could be mistaken. She was "with her ex for 5 years never using a condom and he never got it." I feel as if (from what I've read) even though she has gone so long without an OB, that medically speaking, it is entirely possible, however small of a percentage, that it could be contracted to me, with or without an OB. I feel like Dancer might have had another point in that she might not be as informed now as she was when she got it a decade ago. I have not told her about this place. She doesn't like to talk about it and I feel like if I tried to direct her to a place like this, she'd get upset. When she told me she seemed to want me to have all my questions outlined and then just ask her, one after another, and then when the discussion is over, not talk about it again. Ever. I told her I' sorry, but that's not really going to work for me. I don't think she is ok, or fully accepted the fact, that she has it...even after so long. I'm not quite sure how to try and help her without unintentionally upsetting her. I'm not quite sure how to deal with this at a deeper level with her.

 

I have always been one of those people who never get sick. Like...ever. An immune system like Bruce Willis from Unbreakable. A flu will go through my work putting big, brawny men who use duct tape to close gushing lacerations out of commission for a week and I don't even get a sniffle. Is it possible that I would be more prone to fighting off something like this or am I being completely ignorant? Does a strong immune system do a better job (not COMPLETE job...but better) of fighting a virus like this? Cause that's all this is right? A virus. I saw a post about vaccine trials here somewhere. Although there is not a cure (YET) is there an effective vaccine that is being worked on or in trials?

 

Anyways, I just realized how long this is. Sorry if I bored any of you. My main goal was to apologize and to give a bit of an update. Hope you're all well and thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. I appreciate it.

 

Peace out.

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@scared123...

 

Hello again!

 

Thanks for coming back with the update... it certainly sounds like you are in a complicated situation that only YOU and your GF can sort through. My only advice for you is that you can only work on YOU ... and it sounds like she is shut down and not willing to go through the work (and pain) of dealing with her past. From everything you said, it must have been incredibly hard for her to tell you ... perhaps more than most, I'm guessing, because of her "other" stuff ... sounds like she's has some pretty traumatic issues and she's learned to wall off her feelings ... and that can be VERY difficult to live with. So good on you to stay and work on things. BUT, only stay if the relationship feeds your soul ....

 

.if you had been given a choice of whether or not to get it from someone you hardly knew at the time, regardless of knowing what you know now...it being a blown out of proportion stigma, a skin rash that shows up now and then, and in reality not being that big of a deal...would you have chosen to contract it? Probably not.

 

Well, to be honest, we have more "Success Stories" than not here ... I'd say about 4:1 Success to failure post disclosure with discordant couples. And there are many couples who are married/monogamous for 20+ years where the H- person never gets it, even without Supressive meds. So many variables come into play. I have a H+ client who had it for 30 yrs before her first OB, married all that time and her hubby is H-....thankfully her Dr counseled her hubby about how the virus can hide all that time, because it certainly put a kink in the marriage at the time.

 

So I hear you that you don't want to upset her about you coming here, but think of this. If something like your coming here would upset her that much, and you have to sneak around to get info because she seems to think you should only rely on her for info for something that has the potential of changing YOUR life, THAT concerns me. For a truly successful, meaningful relationship to blossom, you HAVE to have trust and authentic communication ... and that sounds like it's lacking. Perhaps you could get couples therapy and work on communication, because THAT is what I see as the biggest hurdle for the two of you.

 

As far as your questions about your immune system ... of course a strong system will protect you more. People with skin issues, auto-immune disorders (esp if they are on Steroids), on chemo, etc are all at a MUCH higher risk of getting the virus. If you want to be extra cautious, then if you have an open wound in the genital area I would avoid sex if you really want to be cautious. Wash after sex (this is easier for guys as far as getting all the affected areas clean) especially if you get rubbed. As for trials, well, there's a lot of talk but nothing is imminent so I would suggest that you don't get attached to "waiting" for the vaccines ... it could be 5-10 yrs for the first one to come through... and I've been hearing about potential "cures" for most of the 35 yrs I've had H.

 

And sorry if you felt attacked but I think you can understand that many here are very newly diagnosed and are very raw. They just want to feel "normal" again and have hope of love and acceptance. So you just hit a nerve for some ... and they hit a nerve on you ... and for both sides the point is to try to understand the other side ... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))