I have a date tomorrow. I don't know what to do.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I have met a guy. Pretty much what I want and look for in guys. Anyways, tomorrow is our first official date. We have talked for about a week and a half now I guess. We are going to have dinner tomorrow night. This is my first attempt at dating since my diagnosis. I am terrified to say the least.

 

I already like this guy a good bit. He has a lot of the qualities I look for so it seems.

 

I have always preferred the bandaid effect in life with anything, and this was the same before H. It hurts less that way. I want to just go ahead and get this out of the way, telling him that is. That way he can make the decision now and before I get my heart involved and have it broken into a million pieces. I feel as though I am being fake with him by holding it in and wasting his time and money on someone and something he probably won't accept.

 

Advice on the just go ahead and lets get it out of the way would be appreciated. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to involve my feelings and heart for it to be crushed which makes me feel like I should just go ahead and "rip the bandaid" now. And I surely don't want someone to feel like they wasted their time and money and invested themselves into someone who was just a waste of it all. I don't want someone to feel that way. The other part of me says, let him get to know me and fall for me then do it. But at that point, I will have fallen for him and while it will be easy for him to walk away, I will be the one picking up more pieces of my heart.

 

What would you do? What have ya'll done? Advice.

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

And I'll add, I have blown this guy off twice already because I just don't want to do this. He is pretty persistent and made it clear he has no intentions of giving up on talking to me. He actually text me and said I don't think I would reject you. (We were discussion me blowing him off). And when I read that text I literally laughed out loud and thought "you say that now".

[Amillionthings]

Good luck you :)...just be you...youre clearly a lovely caring girl. Just do what you feel you want to do. Decide if hes worthy of seeing you so vulnerable. Supporting you on whatever decision you make :)...and just remember hes already been speaking to you and seems persistent...so we know he likes you :) x

[WCSDancer2010]

Awww my friend..... Forum Mom gonna give you the Mom talk..

 

As I just posted on the Quotes discussion

 

"Stop getting attached to people so fast, because attachment leads to expectation and expectation leads to disappointment ".

 

So here's the thing. Go out with him. Get to know HIM and let him get to know YOU. I would go on at least a few dates before I disclose. Why? (After all, *I* am totally out and I bring it up pretty early). Because in YOUR case I would say, make sure (as sure as you can in a few dates) that he is the person you are making him out to be with the little you know of him right now. You are too fragile to get hurt again right now....

 

AND

 

Don't throw your heart over the fence just yet (IE, the quote). Look at him as tho you were one of your friends, checking him out and seeing if he is deserving of hearing your truth. Watch how he acts with others, especially waiters and such. Listen to how he talks about his ex's and friends. Ask him questions that will tell you about who HE is to his core ... things that are important to YOU ... things that will tell you if he reacts with kindness and empathy to difficult situations ... or if he is a braggart, self centered, or whatever. I know he *seems* like everything you want right now, but I've been learning that pretty much every failed relationship I've had can be traced back to something I *CHOSE* to ignore in what they said and did early on.

 

Now, if you feel that you are leading him on and causing an "expense" (and I get that - dating can be VERY expensive for guys), do what I do. I allow the guy to pay for the first date. They need to "be the man" ...let them for a few dates. If you are not ready to disclose, then offer to either split the bill (most won't let you tho) or at least pay the tip, or some part of the evening (the popcorn and drinks if you go to the movies, whatever). That way, you take the pressure off yourself to not only disclose, but to "give up the goods" because we women do that...we think they are paying for our dinners and such and then get physical because we feel we "owe" it to them.

 

He sounds like he's really into you. And you know what I say... If he's into YOU (and not just wanting to get INTO you), he will let you set the pace of how quickly you let him into your heart AND your body. You can let him know that you've been dealing with some "stuff" that is making you cautious about how fast you open yourself up to another. That's TOTALLY fair and I'd suggest that you let him know that...but don't let yourself feel pressured to do ANYTHING until the time is right for YOU.

 

((HUGS)) - I'll be cheering you on from over here :)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thanks y'all. I canceled it. Just said I have things going on in my life and I'm not dateable material right now. Asked him to be my friend. He said he understood and to not be a stranger. He was fine with being my friend.

[Amillionthings]

Good for you for looking after how you feel. Friends though is a very good place to start...takes the pressure off dating etc and you can just have some companionship maybe. Hope youre ok hun x

[WCSDancer2010]

Can you go out with him as "just friends"? I think it would be great for you to just get out...tell him you will pay for your part because you are not "dating". That takes the pressure off you about having to disclose ... and it will get you at least on the bench, if not in the game ;)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I'm not okay. I cried the whole way home from work. That has stopped. He was extremely nice about it which made me cry and regret canceling. But I'm just not ready to fall for someone And them reject me. None of my friends thinks it's a big deal. Why would they? They know me and know how it happened and of course believe me because they are with me all the time. But how can some guy believe me and the stats and all that. I just don't see it happening. No matter how awesome I know I am, I don't see any guy looking past it. And my friends are all... You don't know if you don't try. Yet they don't grasp how hard it is going to be to try. They say I'm making it hard on myself. I'm not. I just know the reality of my situation where they don't.

 

I offered that @wcs we will see what he says.

[WCSDancer2010]

But that's the thing. You are going into each "relationship" with expectations ... whether they be about how wonderful he is going to be or how you will be rejected and you will be hurt.

 

You are not going to like this but your friends are right. YOU are the one making this much harder than it has to be. YOU are the one who is going in, expecting to be hurt... because you WANT him to be something that he may or may not be.

 

Read this again:

 

"Stop getting attached to people so fast, because attachment leads to expectation and expectation leads to disappointment ".

 

That doesn't mean push them away. It means, allow yourself to just BE with the person, see who they are and let them see who you are, without pushing them away.

 

Life is full of painful experiences. I have to say, the more I experience, the easier it gets, because, as the saying goes:

 

How do you know you will survive this? Because you've been down that road and you are still here."

 

I KNOW I have survived through many, many challenges.... I can either choose to learn from each and get stronger, or I can become a victim and blame my past hurts for all my current pain and suffering. I CHOOSE the former every day. Because the alternative sucks. You need to get this to your CORE my friend.

 

And really, I think this is about a LOT more than Herpes. Your determination to continue to think that noone will love you after all you have read (AND contributed) on here has me thinking that you have something much much deeper that has you believing you will never be good enough, lovable, or desirable... Herpes just put it in your face and you can't ignore it any more.... its a belief that you MUST let go of if you are going to find a relationship that will be a healthy one for you and your mate. You have to learn to love YOU exactly as you are first my friend....

 

It pains me to see you continuing to beat yourself up over this. I hope at some point you will read *something* that will set you free....You are beautiful and sexy and waaaaaay to smart to let a friggin virus run your life like this.

 

<3 you chica

[Peachyogurtisawesome]

Hope you feel better soon and that everything works out for you ok tryin

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

I know. It probably is much deeper. No guy has ever really seen me as enough. But I'm picky too and rarely dated befor H. You know all this. I don't know what I'm so scared of. My own real mothee rejected having us in her life and so this should be nothing. I don't trust people at all which is a big issue. I'm use to rejection so I don't know why now it's so scary for me. I guess cause they have a legit reason to reject me where as before I just didn't give a damn. You don't like my attitude...I really don't give a damn. Don't like my pale skin.... Good for you. At least I'll look half my age instead of like a leathery book. Don't like my curves... Suck it... The men I have been with love them and you don't know what you are missing in the bedroom with a woman with some hips. I just now have something I can't change and/or let go because I'm insecure about it too. I'm okay with having it. I'm just not okay with someone else not being okay with it. Rejection over a 1% risk is bullshit. And I just don't want to feel like I'm not worth a 1% risk.

 

I mean you can say all that because you know me (virtually). We share a common denominator in our lives. But someone who doesn't have it has the possibility to not see the good about me and let that be their reason to outweigh any good thing about me.

 

I shouldn't have to expect a man to reject it. I guess that's the issue. I know the good things about me and that should be enough. And that should outweigh herpes. And when it comes that a guy doesnt.... What will I have left to feel good about myself for.

[Amillionthings]

I feel everything you say @thisisgoingtobeokay ....youre like i was at 24 and before i got H. I was picky and would be like 'your loss' if someone didnt work out...and i really belived it was there loss...i guess with H...i feel ive got no cards to play...

 

i think it would be cool if you could hang out with this guy as a friend...if and when You feel ready.

 

I know youre feeling shitty..you have my support :)....and yer friends who dont have it...just dont get it.

 

x

[WCSDancer2010]

My own real mothee rejected having us in her life and so this should be nothing.

 

THIS, my friend, is the root... this is how I see it: your mother rejected you, and you have not got it in your soul that is was not YOU, it was HER..... you've developed a defense mechanism ("F*ck you, I don't need you, your loss, etc") to keep yourself from feeling the pain, sister. And now, with H, you feel your trump card has been taken from you. Now, a man will have to see the REAL you... and that's scary as hell. You will HAVE to be vulnerable. You will HAVE to open yourself up in a way that is very unfamiliar and frightening right now. You will HAVE to risk your heart.

 

And I'll be completely honest with you... I am not sure you are ready for a HEALTHY relationship right now. I think you need to work with someone (Adrial is a Life coach and I think he'd be great!) to get to the bottom of this and perhaps come up with coping skills to help you learn to open up in healthy and appropriate ways to men AND be ok with risking being hurt.

 

(((HUGS))) my friend

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thanks y'all.

 

Maybe so @wcs. I just don't have a lot of money to get a ton of help with this. He ended up talking to me and we decided to go bowling just as friends. I pay for mine and he pays for his, he said he understands and that he has had times in his life where he needed his time too. He had a parent pass at a young age. When he was almost a teenager. So I know he will understand hardships. But I'm just not ready to tell him. He told me that he was fine with being friends until I wanted more. And he apologized about three times for making me feel pressured. It was him that made me feel pressured it's this damn disease that makes me feel pressured. Going as friends makes my mindset change. I don't feel pressured to tell him anything nor do I feel like I'm being fake. It feels fair to me and him both this way.

[WCSDancer2010]

YAY!!!! Good for you! He sounds like a really good guy.... and really, this is a MUCH healthier way to get to know him. Good for you :)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

We will see. We changed it to tomorrow night so I'll keep y'all posted. As of yet we are both interested so I don't know how the friends thing will go. I do want to kiss him, so maybe I'll do that if the opportunity happens. I haven't kissed anyone in so long. He is such a cutie. My hope is that something like this will seem stupid to him as a big deal since he knows true pain.

[Amillionthings]

Youve dealt with this all so well and with a real mature apprach. Good for you. Keep us posted :)

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

Thank you @amillionthings, I'm trying to be an adult and be responsible for my heart and feelings, while balancing what he has said too. I know it's one "date" "friend hangout" but it's a big deal for me I guess because this is my first attempt at doing anything with a guy I actually want to try to date at all since the diagnosis. I have slept with someone since, he knew, and all that but he wasn't someone that I actually would or could ever date. So this is the first time I've met someone who kind of swept me off my feet. And he did, the first night I met him. He literally took me back. And while we danced all I could think when I looked at him was where were you 5 months ago. And then he would spin me and id let the thought go. I immediately wanted him that night. Not sexually, I mean yes, but no. He didn't tell me how great my ass was or how hot I was. He didn't say that. What he said was, "you are so beautiful and confident but you don't act like a girl who knows really how beautiful she is. Your personality amazes me. You don't act like other women who know they are beautiful. You know it I think, but you just don't act it." That's what he said. And I have never in my life had that, literally had a guy complement me in that way. It's always been, you got nice tits or a big ass. And he just swept me away.

[Sparklepony]

I think you and I have the same "all in or all out" approach to dating. We think someone is perfect if they pass the immediate "tests" and then invest, only to find out "we aren't what they want" (I put that in quotes because 9/10, they actually aren't what we want after we think about it). I think we put guys on an unfair pedestaled if we like them. How can someone be everything we want in a person? There is no way. As well as we will never be everything someone wants in a woman. It just doesn't happen. We set people up to disappoint us. I get why you're worried about how to go about dating, it's scary enough when there are normal things someone could reject about us, but herpes, oh shit that's a whole different ball game. Really though, I think you need to get to know people before disclosing it. That's just my person opinion. Keep in mind I'm only a few days into finding out I have it, but I would think I would only want people who are going to be mature enough to handle it to know. I don't think its a shame thing, just more of a person choice to keep people who aren't able to not understand it for what it is knowing. Keep talking to this guy, a week and a half is no time at all. Talk to him for a few months and then slowly start to hang out. Start out with dates that don't end up in situations where there is any pressure to become sexual if you're not comfortable with it. If he genuinely likes you then he will be okay with it, if not then he can move along. When the time comes you'll know when to tell him.

[WCSDancer2010]

We set people up to disappoint us.

 

Well, to put it more accurately, "Expectations are Planned Disappointments" ;)

 

Start out with dates that don't end up in situations where there is any pressure to become sexual if you're not comfortable with it.

 

AMEN! Excellent advice.... something even *I* have to remind myself of at times, because I'm a very sexual person when I am attracted to a man and I find my head doesn't think too well once I get physically involved :p

[Guest]

Ms. OK:

 

This post has been in the back of my mind today. The trouble, as I see it, is that you are using female logic, from females, about something they can only speculate.

 

Let me give you the honest male perspective (adult discussion). This issue comes down to weighing a minimal risk versus how bad he wants to get in your pants. This isn't about love, relationships, long-term partners, etc...(although he may say that, if he is in his mid-30s or later, I can confidently tell you it's just noise) At this early stage, it is about lust and the basic human desire to have a strong sexual connection with another. Relationships grow and develop from the initial contact.

 

I don't know how sexy you are, but I can tell you this: I, as a germaphobe, hypochondriac and picky neat freak, would strongly consider taking the risks for a woman who truly lit my fire and was smoking hot. So your first lesson is play to your strengths, not weaknesses. You obviously have this guy lit, and you've been doing a good job in building attraction and anticipation with your cat and mouse game. For the near term, there is plenty you can do orally (assuming you have genital HSV) to keep him fully hooked. Try giving him a BJ in a quasi-public place or while he's driving. When he tries to take your pants off just say "I'm not ready yet." Guys understand that, besides he just had a BJ, he's done at that point. This should get you through a couple more weeks, no problem.

 

Of course you have to disclose before you drop your pants, but it doesn't mean you have to disclose from a point of weakness. There are a lot of things you can do to minimize the liability of HSV in your disclosure. First, when you disclose, do it as HSV 1 or 2, not as "herpes." Yes, that is what you have, but that is a loaded word with lots of stigma. Yes, I understand we are trying to take the word back and make it neutral but it will be decades before that happens and you are just one person. I have gay friends that have been trying to take back the word "queer" for 20 years. An army of people have been doing that for 20 years and they have made progress, but you are only one person. Plus, HSV sounds like HPV and everyone knows about HPV. It's just another acronym, so he can stay focused on the science not the stigma.

 

I have more to say on this topic, but you get the gist for now. Bullet point, get off your ass and start shaking it. Your sex appeal and his strong desire for you will help him accept the very low risk of transmission you pose. Look, there were 135 Space Shuttle flights, two of them blew up. That means there was a 1.5% risk of death for going up in the shuttle. No man in the U.S. would ever say no if NASA gave him a seat on the shuttle, I assure you of that! Now if he's willing to take a 1.5% chance of death for a good ride, don't you think he would take a .015% chance of a skin infection for your ride? [Risk of transmission when no outbreak, on Valtrex, and with condoms is about 1.5% per year (which includes sex 2x week for 52 weeks about 100 occurrences).]

 

I hope this is helpful, I'm getting the sense that only me and Dancer read this far down in a post.

[WCSDancer2010]

So your first lesson is play to your strengths, not weaknesses.

 

AMEN to that - totally agree... WHATEVER your H status ;)

 

For the near term, there is plenty you can do orally (assuming you have genital HSV) to keep him fully hooked. Try giving him a BJ in a quasi-public place or while he's driving. When he tries to take your pants off just say "I'm not ready yet." Guys understand that, besides he just had a BJ, he's done at that point. This should get you through a couple more weeks, no problem.

 

See - *I* won't play that game.... giving the guy the BJ "to keep him hooked" is buying into the BULLSHIT (IMO)that I have to keep a man sexually stimulated to him to stay around while *I* am not getting the goods..... sorry @Unhappy1 ... maybe that is what worked for you but isn't that sorta the kind of thinking that got you here in the first place with your "female with HSV1G (or possibly oral)?". I actually only give BJ's once I feel a REAL connection with the guy anyway... I stopped "using" it to keep a guy "happy" years ago because I want him to see my HEART first... not the back of my head bobbing up and down over his crotch :p ;)

 

First, when you disclose, do it as HSV 1 or 2, not as "herpes." Yes, that is what you have, but that is a loaded word with lots of stigma. Yes, I understand we are trying to take the word back and make it neutral but it will be decades before that happens and you are just one person. I have gay friends that have been trying to take back the word "queer" for 20 years.

 

Soooo Soooo true!!!! AND, they are paving the way for us by opening more and more closet doors and showing us how to stand straight and tall in our status. We have a LOT to learn from them :)

 

Look, there were 135 Space Shuttle flights, two of them blew up. That means there was a 1.5% risk of death for going up in the shuttle. No man in the U.S. would ever say no if NASA gave him a seat on the shuttle, I assure you of that! Now if he's willing to take a 1.5% chance of death for a good ride, don't you think he would take a .015% chance of a skin infection for your ride? [Risk of transmission when no outbreak, on Valtrex, and with condoms is about 1.5% per year (which includes sex 2x week for 52 weeks about 100 occurrences).]

 

LOVE this!!! going to make sure that Adrail gets this... we are slowly compliling stats of "rick factors" in life that we can use in advertising campaigns and fact-sheets.... thank you for that!

 

And BTW...I got the scoop on the date.... and it will blow your mind .... but I'll let OK tell you herself when she's ready :D

 

[thisisgoingtobeokay (previ]

It went fantastic. He had a secret too. He shared with me. I won't put it on display but it was a big one and opened my heart up. It blew me away and makes me feel very very hopeful for when I disclose. I didn't tell him mine. Just not ready. But he was, is fantastic. I saw him again last night. I stayed with him actually. But before we went I told him I've never been that kind of girl so don't expect nothing. He said we won't do anything at all. And he didn't. Not a hand on my boob or nothing. We were tired and pretty much passed out anyways, but I want him. Bad. I found out today he don't like his food to touch on his plate and eats one thing at a time. I do the same thing. Silly I guess, but I've always loved little things that you connect on. Anyways, I looked straight at him and said where have you been all my life? He smiled and laughed. I think he has a good heart. We will continue to see how this goes. He scares me. Not him, but how much I like him. He just tells me how beautiful I am and what pretty eyes I have. He is respectful.

[Amillionthings]

So pleased for you. And proud of you for just getting the courage to go for it. I have a good feeling about this. :) x

[WCSDancer2010]

You see @Amillionthing????!!!

 

We all may have *something* that we think will make us unlovable...and his "thing" was something that I can be pretty scary to "disclose" to @okay ... but he opened himself to her and that complete honesty completely won her over......

 

The same thing can happen with disclosing about Herpes ... yes, it may catch them off guard, they may ask questions, and they may even walk.... but most will at the very least honor you and appreciate your honesty. For many, THAT will be the moment they fall for YOU, because they will recognize your willingness to be vulnerable to them, and that is something that someone with a real heart will appreciate. If someone "rejects" you in an ugly way, that is sooooo much about THEM - their narrow-mindedness, ignorance, and lack of empathy.

 

@Okay's young man's experience has taught him to be able to be frank and vulnerable about himself in a way few men ever learn. However, he *could* have viewed it as something that would make no one want him. He could have chosen to become depressed, withdrawn, and be convinced that no woman would want him. Instead, he has taken that knock and grown from it into a beautiful person who can see through @Okay's defenses.... he knows she's battling with *something* and he's allowing her to open up at her pace. And that is a beautiful thing ;)

 

I have a good feeling about this too.... whatever happens I know that @Okay is starting to see that the men in her past were nothing like this guy..... which is one of the reasons why it can be hard to believe that we can be accepted with H. But there ARE many people out there, fighting their own internal battles..... when we find someone who understands that we have a true gem... and like a real gemstone, it can take a lot of looking to find "a good one" :)

 

Peace