No where near time to disclose but feel like I'm being dishonest

[Helzbelz88]

I joined a chat site mostly to take my mind of H and have a bit of a distraction.

 

I've been talking to one guy who seems nice, very early days haven't met him or anything like that.

 

I already feel like I'm lying to him. Told him I'm not rushing into anything and taking any new relationship really slow and not just after sex. So he says that's good he likes people with morals and self respect.

 

I feel like I don't have those because I have H which I know is stupid but I feel like I'm being dishonest.

 

I'm not even sure I'll meet this guy in person so I know it's not something I need to disclose now but I can't stop feeling like I'm painting a picture of some one I'm not, even though I'm being honest in every other way.

 

Part of me says just tell him then it'll be over either way but then another part says what's wrong with getting to know someone and see what develops because it might still not be anything regardless of telling him.

 

I'm really trying not to be someone that backs away from relationships even just friendships but I'm struggling.

[willow]

Hi @helzbelz88!!

You are not lying to him, keeping you own secret from a stranger is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty for. He doesnt need to know every single detail about you just yet, i mean he still someone you dony know, and havent met yet, even though u guys are 'crushing' right now, maybe wait till after a few times of meeting him? You have to tell him when you are ready.

Dont take the advise of your fears.

xox

[WCSDancer2010]

@Helzbelz88

 

Nope - not lying at all .... @willow is right - you BARELY know him. You haven't met him. He could be an over the top OCD kleptomaniac with a bat-shit crazy ex and a cocaine habit for all you know. Yes you are connecting on the site and maybe on the phone, but you have not established any kind of a RELATIONSHIP with him. And honey, unless you are "out" like me (I put my status in my profiles and all my friends know...it's a choice I made when I decided to be an advocate so that I didn't have to remember who knew what...LOL) he needs to prove that he has EARNED the right to know that part of you that is still fragile and delicate and scary for you.

 

If you are progressing towards getting intimate THEN that is the time to consider telling him ... when you are sure that you ARE going to get intimate then that is definitely the time to make sure he has the info and can make an informed CHOICE about whether to pursue things further. And if he then chooses to walk, it's because it's a deal breaker for him, much like smoking, kids, addictions, and future plans for retirement locations (I REFUSE to move to Fla to retire...was born there and definitely don't want to go back!).

 

Stop overthinking this and just enjoy your time with him .... if nothing else it's practice for you to get back on the horse ... dating brings up plenty of insecurities and H is just one of them..... try to let them all go and just HAVE FUN!

 

(((HUGS)))

[NSgreenville]

Hey Helzbelz88,

 

I totally understand where you're coming from. I just went through the same thing. I just kept connecting, and honestly just act like you dont have H. Let you shine through. If you continue to connect and get to meet in person then you'll know if it will escalate to a sexual situation then you can tell him prior to it getting to the no pants dance. Thats what I did and it was amazing. Our connection was beyond any skin disorder.

 

Dont be so hard on yourself. (easier said than done) remember you arent rushing into sex, so build the other aspects of the relationship and then it probably wont even a big deal when you tell him. Good luck and have fun!

[Aimi]

Totally agree with everything that's been said, of course!

Just wanted to give that extra support! :)

 

In no way are you being dishonest. In no way are you painting a picture of someone you're not.

 

Hsv is a very very tiny fraction of who you are and in no way does it define you or your character. I'm sure there are a million awesome things about you that completely eclipse this "flaw". Let him get to know those things.

 

Like Dancer said, he needs to first EARN the right to that information by proving to you that his character is worthy. & He plans on doing that by showing you his awesomeness- so don't hold back yours!

 

He's not perfect, no one is. Have fun, flirt, get to know each other and in time he WILL have his own "flaws" to reveal cause' we ALL do. H is just one of ours (hell, it could be one of his too).

 

Best,

 

Xo!

 

[Helzbelz88]

Thanks guys!

 

I don't even know why but the minute anything becomes in reference to sex I panic, as if I'm not entitled to even talk about it.

 

Thanks for the support - going to work on not over thinking and just having fun, and shaking the above feeling.

 

:)

[Aimi]

I know that feeling girl!

 

I even felt guilty for talking about sex in a non-sexual context (if that make sense?). I felt like flirting was dishonest. Being sexy- dishonest. Being my damn self- dishonest. & It was ridiculous because I was robbing myself of happiness and fun and all those little joys of life that we are all very entitled to!

 

Live the life you deserve!

 

If intimacy is not in progression- you don't owe him that.

 

Xo.

[Helzbelz88]

Thank you for your words.

 

Guess I'm just afraid, H is new to me and I can't even tell if I've stopped having an OB or if it's still going, can't imagine having sex when I don't even know what my body is doing.

 

Guess that's why slow is good, but does make me think I shouldn't be trying to get involved with any one in case it progresses because I don't know how long before things will stop itching or feeling like an OB

[Aimi]

Yea, I hear that too, for sure! I'm almost a year in and I still question what the hell my body is doing sometimes. & From what I've read and the stories shared here- we still have a ways to go. But, we'll get there eventually :)

 

For me, it's usually about a week before everything starts feeling back to normal. & I also take antivirals whenever I (think I) feel an ob starting. (I just started taking antivirals daily, but that's really for my partner's sake- I wouldn't otherwise).

 

I think the best we can do is have a "better safe than sorry" mentality- for now, while we learn how our bodies are working with all of this. No below the belt activity during any of that itching, tingling, whatever. In the mean time- social, feel-good, HUMAN interaction is probably just what the doctor ordered and perfectly okay :). It makes me sad to read that ppl completely shut out the world after Hsv... I've been there and it hurts so much and doesn't help the emotional/mental aspect of the healing process at all.

 

But anyways, when you are involved with someone there is still plenty you can do during an ob- just gotta' be creative ;)

[Aimi]

& Just to add- Get involved when you're ready. However long that may be. Maybe you do need some time to yourself. But don't let Hsv be your hindering force whenever you do feel ready.

 

Xo.

[Helzbelz88]

Thank you !

 

Yeah, so far things haven't felt normal since getting H - I've only had the one blister right at the start but still have itching every day.

 

Here they don't do the suppressive therapy unless you have lots of OB's. At the moment I'm not taking anything medication wise - trying to figure out if it's itching to start an OB or just because it is. Obviously don't want to get to the blister stage but still don't know what's happening. Either way there's still itching and numbness so who knows.

 

Just wary about getting close to someone when I can't tell if it's stopped or started, I do need more time to get used to it , but your right I don't want to hide away either

[WCSDancer2010]

I don't even know why but the minute anything becomes in reference to sex I panic, as if I'm not entitled to even talk about it.

 

Can you see this is NOTHING to do with H and everything to do with our crazy assed societies where we treat Sex as something "dirty" and shameful? It's about frickin time we recognize it for what it is ... a natural, beautiful, act that is shared between 2 people and that can be fun and fulfilling .... and that we need to start having conversations about it like the ADULTS that we are!

 

So you are in the UK I expect. Hate to say it but if you want to go on Suppressive therapy you may have to fib a bit ...tell the Dr that you have had an OB nearly every month and hopefully that will get them to give you the meds. DON'T tell them you just started a relationship or whatever .... if they will only give it out in that manner, you may need to just tweak the facts in order to get the anti-virals :( Sadly they are living in the 1990's with their concept that you can't spread it w/o an OB and that you can control the spread of it by just not having sex with an OB over there ... *sigh*

[Helzbelz88]

Thanks Dancer - close I'm in NZ

 

Regardless of wanting to use suppressive therapy if I was in a relationship, the constant itching and numbness I've had would suppressive therapy help with that also- even though no more blisters have happened yet?

 

Just thinking that if suppressive therapy helps with all symptoms wouldn't even be a lie since they have been constant sine I got H

[WCSDancer2010]

Yes... there's a good chance that the meds would help you get the other symptoms under control....but Doctors can be notoriously stupid when it comes to LIVING with H .... so by using the word Outbreak you help to trigger the "well that fits in the box" response .... as opposed to "well you didn't have an OB so you should be ok" response. Sorta like Pavlov's dog ... you sometimes have to figure out the right trigger to get the right response....

 

OR

 

You have to be ready to do battle. I had my first child in the UK by Cesarean ...because the Dr I was assigned to scared me into it because of the H (this is 28 yrs ago). When I got pregnant again, he was adamant I had to have another both because of the H and because they had already done one Cesarean. I had done my homework after my first and knew I not only could have a V-Bac (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) but that without an OB I actually *could* have a natural birth. I was FURIOUS. So I asked my primary to help me switch to another Doctor, but she said something like "Well, we don't normally do that ... blah blah blah...". I basically pitched a fit and told her I wasn't letting someone cut me open again if it wasn't necessary and I wasn't leaving the office until she agreed to help me to find a more "natural birth friendly" Dr. She did, in the end..... and his comment after my first check-up????? "Shame a strapping great lass like you having a Cesarean the first time around!". And yes, I had my second daughter vaginally ;) But it wouldn't have happened if I had not taken on the system.....

[Helzbelz88]

Yeah think I'm gonna push it with the doctor if this carries on.

 

Prob doesn't help I'm having a down few days. The guy I got H from is asymptomatic and we'd been just friends for 10 years. He's been there through all break ups I've ever had and he's stopped talking to me since I got H from him.

 

I know I have to let it go and he isn't worth my time and thinking space, just kinda harsh of him after 10 years of friendship

 

[WCSDancer2010]

He's been there through all break ups I've ever had and he's stopped talking to me since I got H from him.

 

That's sad .... is it because he's in denial? Or could it be that when you found out you unloaded everything on him? (Guys just don't do well with that stuff :p )Just asking for clarity, but we just had 2 members clear things up with their "gifter" who had both lost contact and both times they (the guy) felt pushed away and/or attacked ... both guys had wanted to contact the ladies but were afraid to. Both conversations are right here... including the happy endings where both have received messages and while the outcomes were not what they may have totally wanted, they have achieved peace around their situation... http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3552/not-devastated-but-still-questioning

[Helzbelz88]

We'll we had both recently got out of relationships and from what I can see from Facebook I'd say he got back with his ex.

 

She has put up a status about their anniversary saying how they been through a lot this last year but their love is strong.

 

I'm guessing he can't support me because he'd have to acknowledge how I got H and I'm guessing he won't have told her so he's just going on as if it didn't happen.

 

His reaction to me having it was " if I have it to I'll just deal with it" and when I told him I'd finally got the positive results he said that's not surprising. I mean yeah it wasn't given the symptoms but still just a little bit of kind words would have been nice.

 

Regardless of the reason I've realised he's not the friend I thought he was and looking back on it even before this I've always put more into the friendship.

 

Think I just need to let it go.

[WCSDancer2010]

Regardless of the reason I've realised he's not the friend I thought he was and looking back on it even before this I've always put more into the friendship.

 

Think I just need to let it go.

 

 

And there you have it... your Wingman at your service ...LOL

 

Yup - sounds like you just got a huge reality check about who he is :(

 

(((HUGS)))