My bf just told me he has herpes

[SweetAsSugar]

I'm negative so I have lots of questions. I've read a lot of the posts on here and I'm no longer ignorant about how it all works. My question is more about how it works exactly if we want to have children, which he's already said he wants soon. To be with him and start our lives together, do I pretty much have to accept the fact that I might end up with H? Is there anything else I need to know about seriously marrying my bf and starting a family? I love him so I want to be with him. Any input would be appreciated.

[WCSDancer2010]

@SweetAsSugar

 

Hello and Welcome! And good for you for looking to get properly educated ... so glad that you found us :)

 

So - no .. it's not a guarantee that you will get H. Many couples are together for many years before one has an OB and the other never got it even tho they did nothing to protect the other. Who knows why? Lucky timing? Good immune systems? Who knows?

 

The thing is, he knows he has it and so he can do things to protect you. As a woman your chances of getting H are about 10% (assuming he has HSV2 ... do you know which one he has? It's less if he has HSV1). With antivirals, it goes down to 5% or better ... so I would suggest that he get on them, esp if you are not using a condom for protection (which only is useful if it covers where he gets his OB's)

 

Download the handouts for all the stats broken down:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

One of the biggest secrets is to just avoid sex if he thinks there is any chance he's having an OB - it's a great excuse to try other things out in the bedroom and learn other ways to be intimate ;)

 

If you are still concerned, use condoms except when you are most likely to conceive and that will decrease your odds of getting it even more.

 

I have 2 girls and neither of them got it from me either during the birth or any time after. You can live a very normal life with children with a H+ parent ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[SweetAsSugar]

Thank you for writing back. I really appreciate it. I'm not sure which one he has or where his OB are. He hates talking about it and won't even say it out loud. I'm trying to find a way to help him feel more comfortable. Any suggestions?

 

As for the antivirals, he's not on any. He said it affects him once every 18 months or so and he hates using condoms. We haven't had sex yet cuz I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm going to look into ways to bump up my immune system and stuff like that. Especially because I hate the idea of actually planning a pregnancy. I just want it to happen when it happens and not have to track my cycle and stuff.

[myfiercecalm]

So glad you are taking the time to learn about this! Your fellow is a lucky man. It sounds like he might benefit from reading and posting on here as well. I couldn't talk about it at all when I was diagnosed and told only immediate family about it and my last partners. I felt dirty and guilty all the time, but reaching out and learning more about it from the great people in our no judgement community helped me work past that. Maybe it can help him as well. I also attend a local support group as needed in my city. There may be one near you as well. I go to Planned Parenthood. Offer to do research with him maybe? If he sees how accepting and loving you clearly are, maybe it will help him face the stigma himself and become more at peace.

[normalprofessional]

@SweetAsSugar

It's great to hear you be so accepting of your bf and that you're taking the time to research and not judge him. he is the same person after all!

[WCSDancer2010]

As for the antivirals, he's not on any. He said it affects him once every 18 months or so and he hates using condoms.

 

Ok- so here is how *I* see it. You are taking on all the responsibility around this, which is very commendable. But he needs to stop putting his head in the sand and man up and get informed. I really urge you to get him on here so he can learn about how he can protect YOU ... because although it's commendable that he told you (and you need to let him know that he did the right thing) putting ALL the responsibility on your head without having a real discussion about it is not fair to you.

 

In the end though, you may have to decide if this man is worth a 10% risk of getting Herpes from (if he won't use any other form of protection that is your risk factor with H2... if it's H1 it's roughly half of that). Now, H isn't a big deal for those of us who have had it for awhile ... and if you go into the relationship knowing you may get it, it's just a risk you are willing to live with. However, if you have any doubts about where the relationship is going, then you may want to keep things where they are (ie, no sex) until you know in your heart this is a man who could support you and be by your side for the rest of your life.

 

See if you can get him on here. Maybe if you ask him to do it for you, he will ... if not, well, people show you who they are, and then you have to choose to live with those things that may show up later in other ways. Get my drift?

 

He sounds like he's a good guy ... my concern is he is showing he will avoid dealing with things that are difficult or painful and that is something that you need to be aware of for the future ... it's another choice you will have to make to be willing to live with ... along with the risk of getting a nuisance virus in an inconvenient place ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[SweetAsSugar]

@WCSDancer2010

 

I see exactly what you're saying. I know he needs help dealing with this. It's been 3 1/2 years for him and he still thought it was only bad during OB. I told him about the viral shedding and he said he had no idea. You're right though, it does say a lot about he handles difficult situations. I can imagine how hard it is to deal with, but I know if I was in his shoes, I would want to know everything about it. I told him I signed up here and he was shocked. He did support me and told me to do what I need to do to get informed., but I think it freaked him out a bit.

 

He did say he'd do whatever it takes to protect me, so I just need to tell him to suck it up since in the same sentence he told me how much he hates condoms. I'll find an appropriate time to discuss what I need to with him. I really can see myself spending the rest of my life with him which is why I'm trying really hard to make this work for us.

 

Thank you for your support and honesty. I appreciate it so very much.

[WCSDancer2010]

Good for you... keep a clear head around this and make sure you do what is right for you.... glad he is finally listening a bit to the information you have found ;)

 

 

[sf65xx]

I think we need to be clear that the 10% risk of being infected is not a lifetime risk, that is per year, right? That means your chance is 90% of not being infected male to female, per year. (I think the number is around 4% female to male without condoms or suppressant drugs). Over a ten year period without precautions, that means 0.9^10, or only about a 35% chance that you remain uninfected. For female to male transmission, with both suppressants and condoms, it would be 0.99^10=90% chance of not being infected after ten years. Whether it's male to female or female to male, and whether precautions are taken makes a big difference in the risk over time. (I should mention that I have some training in statistics, and a lot of knowledge about how these probabilities work over time. Each year's risk is an independent random variable and the only way you stay uninfected is if you win the gamble each and every year.)

[WCSDancer2010]

@sf65xx

 

Yes... you basically have the statistical info down. The really, really big factor here is the carrier's ability to listen to their body... especially those who have lesions (it's a lot harder for the asymptomatic carrier to guess when they are shedding). We who are diagnosed are, in a way, "safer" because we KNOW to take precautions and to not have sex if there is *any* fear of an approaching/current OB. According to the CDC, the vast majority of new infections comes from asymptomatic shedding ... And while it's not stated there, I am willing to place a bet that most of those new infections are carriers who either don't know they have it or were told they are ok as long as they don't have an "active" OB (so they are less likely to be careful when they are having prodromes).

 

One of the really "great" things about having Herpes is that it forces you to communicate more as a couple and to explore other ways to be intimate when you are concerned about an possible OB or shedding. And THAT can make the relationship spicier and more intimate in the long run :)

[sw85]

Ive been wondering about these precentages, as ive been looking at them in a different way.

 

Sorry to cut in on the discussion, but the whole topich has been something ive wanted to ask, and someo else has done the work, so thanks for sharing everyone.

 

so stats....

 

10 percent chance of passing it on, so am I correct in reading that as 1 in 10 times of having sex, youll pass h onto your partner? Thats correct right in other terms of putting it?

[WCSDancer2010]

No - 10% over the course of a year, assuming you have sex 2x/wk :)

[Beachdude1984]

10% chance of transmission male to female during one year, no meds no condoms

[sw85]

So 2 x 52 weeks, 104 sexual encounters. 10% likely hood that youll pass on herpes out of these 104, so 10.4

 

wait thats the same as 1 in 10 roughly.... what am I missing here?

[WCSDancer2010]

Look - each time you have sex, you have a 10% (or less if you use meds and condoms, which combined takes the percentage down to 2.5%) chance of passing it on ... it doesn't mean that for every 10x you have sex you will pass it on. EACH ACT has that risk... AND to be quite honest, I think that for many who are really in touch with their bodies, the number goes down a lot further. Just as the risk of getting pregnant while on BC is about 2% (ie, assumes you will get pregnant for every 50 sex acts.... but reality is that most women on BC never get pregnant.... the risk is highest in those who are uneducated about what to not do that might affect the meds.

[sf65xx]

10% per year and 10% per act of intercourse are very, very different. If the probability were 10% per act of intercourse you would be 93% likely to be infected after 25 go rounds. 0.9*0.9*0.9.. twenty-five times = 0.07 chance of being uninfected. I think the correct figure is 10% per year for male to female transmission, without precautions, from what I have read from other sources. I don't know where the number of 2 instances of intercourse per week came from, but it seems reasonable. If it's 10% per year risk, with 104 instances of intercourse per year that would imply 1/10 of one percent per sex act. 0.999^104 = 0.9, where ^ mean "to the power of". That 0.999 X 0.999 X 0.999 ... 104 times. That seems like a low probability per instance, but it compounds over time such that the cumulative impact of suppressive therapy and condoms make a big difference. Based upon my knowledge of statistics this is my view of how it works.

[sw85]

Ok thanks guys, still a bit confussed, I think I need to revist stats to properly understand it, however the point I get is the risk is pretty small, which is great news. I also googled the risk of getting pregnant whike using condoms and found a figure of 3%. So with meds and condoms its a comparable risk of passing h and an unexpected pregnanacy with condoms. I take a lot of comfort in that.

 

Back to the original poster, the fact you came on here and did the leg work to find out more info speaks volumes to me, massively! That there are people out there, that not only accept herpes, but go and get informed when their partner isnt sure of the full details. Your guy is very lucky to have you.

 

Thanks for sharing with us, it has given me hope that I can find someone as open minded and understanding like you.

[fitgirl]

after reading this stream I wanted to momentarily revive it only to say this...... getting all the facts and statistics about the virus is extremely important. It helps you to understand and mitigate the spread of Herpes and it empowers you with the information you need to make an educated decision. That said, you can crunch all the numbers in the world and rely on the percentages and statistics but you will NEVER be 100% protected from the virus. Every time you have sex there is risk. You may have herpes and not know it, your partner may have herpes and not know it...... at the end of the day you have to decide which risks in life you are willing to take and which ones you aren't. Be careful, be mindful and be compassionate but don't let the fear of the "what ifs" stifle you. If you did the stats on dying in a car crash you would never get behind the wheel. Herpes is just a virus, it is a mere inconvenience. When you put it in perspective you will realize that life is full of risks and no amount of averages and data will change that. Do your best, protect yourself and others, be careful, be honest and be good to yourself and the ones you love. The rest is beyond your control.