Just got the call...

[NeverDanced]

They said if it was a call... it was bad news.

 

I got tested for 8 diseases in total. HIV, 3 versions Hepatitis and 4 others... including HSV-2. The gal on the phone rambled on for what seemed like an eternity about ID verification before giving me the results to which test was positive. I understand that verification needs to happen, but it really felt like being strapped to an electric chair and having someone jerk the voltage on, off, on, off.

 

To be honest, when she said HSV-2... I was a bit relieved. If you can believe that. I've NEVER had anything remotely resembling a symptom. I was getting tested so the girl that I've dating and I could lose the condoms. Her results all came back clean.

 

So ya, she really is perfect. Figures.

 

Well, I'm going to tell her, and break up with her. After doing some research, I've decided it's not fair to her. Even with the use of condoms she can still catch this thing. This "thing" I've been calling it HSV. The word "herpes" has always made me cringe.

 

I've known for 3 hrs and 25 mins. I'm 36 yrs old. Male. Ya, I'm not doing so good tonight. I've struggled with depression and overall pessimism my whole life. I've been with 5 women without condoms. 15 total with condoms. I swear I know men who would FLY past that number over a slow weekend. Fair? Life isn't. Ever. Still, I can't help but feel it solidifies everything I've been telling myself. There are the blessed... and there are the cursed. The fact that I have HSV-2 and not HIV is kind of poetic. Am I meant to live... and suffer?

 

I'm going to my personal doctor and getting another HSV-2 test done. Just in the off chance there was some kind beaker swap at the clinic I went too. (I know, ridiculous wishful thinking).

 

Hoping to call you friends,

ND

 

 

[whitedaisies]

Don't break up w her. Why!?!? What could be the reason?! Because you are scared?! So, everyone is....we all are or have been. No need to isolate yourself. Especially when u need love and support.

 

U have only known for a little bit. Don't make any rash decisions ok!!!!!

 

You are a man you need love like everyone else. So what u have hsv2. U are the same. Lots of people are in long term relationships for years and never pass it. It's totally possible not to do it. And let her make the decision to leave. Not you. Why punish yourself?

 

I had 2 partners. Got herpes. Life sometimes throws u lemons. No sense comparing urself to anyone. It just makes u feel bad. Be kind to u.

 

Let this sink in. If u have had trouble w depression u may need to talk to ur dr to go on Meds. I did and it helped me. Still have my setbacks but overall better.

 

Hugs to you

[NeverDanced]

Whitedaisies-

 

Thank you for the reply. I can only imagine what you went through. I'm sorry. Were you young when you found out?

 

I do think the adult decision is to breakup with her. We talked extensively about how much we hate condoms and that's why we went and got tested. So we can stop using them. She spoke of her hatred for condoms like they were a latex version of Satan himself. If she were to stay with me, she would at the very least have to use them forever... and there is still roughly a 50% chance she'd catch it according to the reasearch I've done. She's young. She's beautiful. She's blessed. There's literally no reason for her to be with someone positive.

 

I really appreciate the reply,

ND

[whitedaisies]

U r incorrect. It's lot 59 percent chance. Wayyyyyyyy lower. Look on the info pamphlets here. Try are correct. With condoms and antivirals and avoiding outbreaks u can get it downto 1 to 4 percent. That's pretty low my friend

 

I am 42. 2 partner. Sucks!!!!

[NeverDanced]

She hates condoms though. She'll say she wants to make it work but she's told me how much she hates them. I'll find someone in the pos community and tell her to find someone neg. Don't think you think that's the adult thing to do? I'm trying to think if I were neg how I'd want to be treated.

[WCSDancer2010]

@NeverDanced (We gotta get you DANCING!)

 

OK - FIRST off ... nooo the risk is NOT 50% that she could get it. Not even close. It's 10% before anti-virals and condoms ... each one of THEM reduces the risk by 50% ... so if you used the anti-virals the risk would be down to 5% ... add condoms (you may want to try the FC2 female version because I hear some reports that neither of you lose sensation ... reviews are mixed but they are worth a try) and you take it down' to 2.5% ... just a little higher than her risk of getting pregnant on the pill. ;)

 

Fair? Life isn't. Ever. Still, I can't help but feel it solidifies everything I've been telling myself. There are the blessed... and there are the cursed.

 

I got H on my FIRST sexual experience... but I don't feel cursed. I got H before people had all this stigma wrapped around it. It was just a nuisance STD back then (35 yrs ago). You feel cursed because you have bought into the stigma. You just lost the sexual roulette game, that's all. With sex comes risk ... according to the CDC we will ALL get at least one form of HPV (thankfully most of the 40 or so types are harmless) in our lives. And thankfully you don't have Hep-C. ;)

 

The fact that I have HSV-2 and not HIV is kind of poetic. Am I meant to live... and suffer?

 

Few are dying of HIV today. Modern medicine has done wonders there. Magic Johnson found out AFTER he was married and his wife was pregnant that he had HIV - they have since had another and his wife never caught the virus.

 

Don't do anything rash just yet. Get PROPERLY educated. Talk to the girl and let HER make the decision about how she wants to proceed. Print out the handouts and e-book (links below) so you can learn the facts. Odds are you could have had this quite awhile from what you are saying ... and it doesn't sound like you've passed it on even tho you are not on anti-virals so your immune system must be doing it's job.

 

Check these links out. Read the success stories (most are discordant couples ... ie one H- one H+). And again, don't break up with her just yet. You should never do anything big/rash right after bad news ... so allow things to sink in before you do anything, ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

[NeverDanced]

WCSDancer -

 

Thank you very much for the reply. I got the 50% # from the CDC website. I just can't help but think that I should just find someone Pos. And let her find someone Neg. It's how I would want to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot. But you're right. I should let HER decide that. I'm just going to tell her. And let the cards fall where they may.

 

Again, thank you very much for your reply.

ND

[WCSDancer2010]

I promise you the odds are not 50% ... if you can link to the page and tell me where you got that I can help explain the numbers.

 

Again - go read some of the Success Stories ... the vast majority (I'd guess 95% or more) are discordant couples.

 

Herpes is actually a great Wingman ... I have a blog on it I'll add the link later ... not on my laptop where I have all the links, but it really does help to see people for who they are... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[willow]

Just throwing this out here for ya, i have g- hsv2, and my bf doesnt. Im on antivirals daily. He and i dont use condoms. And if i feel somthing going on i take a few doses of lysine and we dont have sex for a bit. Let the other person decide.

 

One of my best girlfriends was dumped by this amazing guy just a few months ago, she found out monttthhhss later it was because he found out he had herpes. And u know what she told me? That she wished he had told her, cuz she fell for him so hard and couldnt figure out y he dumped her. And she gets coldsores so she knows quote a bit about the herpes family. She still likes him, and hes too damn scared to give her a chance. So please, dont be that guy! tell her, but make sure ur facts and stats are correct!

[Yadira]

@NeverDanced ....you don't have to break up with her, especially since it sounds like you really like her! I have HSV2 & my boyfriend does not. We are careful and he is fine. I too am like you, I've never had an outbreak.

Don't break up with her!

[NeverDanced]

Willow, thank you very much for the reply.

 

I told her late last/early this morning(I knew sleep wasn't going to happen). She wants to continue dating, but I'm having trouble finding how that is feasible. There are a billion neg people in the world and we've only been dating for 3 months. I really think this would come to control the relationship. Does she get tested every 2 months? Would I feel guilty about breaking up w/ her in the future if the relationship didn't work... because I possibly gave it to her?

 

I'm still trying to process the fact that I have HSV-2... I feel like I need to be alone, and if I ever THINK about sex again (right now it's literally repulsive to me... though I'm certain that will pass) I'll date within the pos community so it will be a non-issue in the relationship.

 

Obviously, this where I'm at right now. This is all so new. I'm trying desperately NOT to do anything drastic as the news is not even 24hrs old.

 

I really appreciate the comments,

ND

[msmee]

Yes, nothing drastic. You do all you can to limit her risks and you enjoy your time together. Don't let this control you, it's not worth it. I think once you get a handle on it you'll feel a lot better about relationships in general. The fact that you know your status is a huge plus, that alone helps keep her safe. I got it from someone who didn't know.

[seeker]

never, you have found a gem, don't lose her. if you dump her I will personally come to your house and fart in your general direction!!!. you told her and she still wants to try!!! that in itself speaks volumes about her as a person and the relationship you have built. don't lose it over a rash. fyi until the 70s and the first "anti viral" no one gave a rats patootie about herpes, hell they still don't care about the oral version.

 

its understandable given the stigma that you are down and thinking in extremes, trust me I was there a month ago when I got my diagnosis now the only time I even think about herpes is when im trying to figure out what my prodomes are. and in an aging male body who works in construction in the florida heat that in itself would make a lengthy dissertation. it will get better and you have a sweet young lady to help!! lucky bastard :)

 

and yes the sexual repulsion passes, I think mine lasted 24 hours but im a bit of a horn dog to begin with so for me that's a long time.

 

talk with her, don't give up on her. dammit man she sounds like a keeper!!

 

she is making a choice, if it so happens that she does get it, she went into this with open eyes ( which was more than I had as did a lot of others). you are not responsible If you do everything you are supposed to do, suppressive, protection ( or not as willow mentioned). good luck, keep your chin up and breathe .

[NeverDanced]

Seeker, thanks much for the reply and I DEFINITELY needed the laughs your post provided. I've been talking to her on and off since I found out, but I haven't seen her. I can understand you position on the matter, but I can't help but feel that my HSV-2 would monopolize the relationship from this point forward if I were stay with her. Where as if I dated a POS person, it's literally a non-issue.

 

Obviously I have no experience with being in this situation. Perhaps my stance on things will evolve down the road. We have been talking and even joking a bit (I've always used comedy as a coping mechanism). But I can hear it in her voice that she is heart broken. She's always been very vocal about preferring monogamous relationships because she REALLY dislikes condoms.

 

Hard to find the avenue in which staying with her doesn't make me completely selfish.

 

Thanks again for the post,

ND

[willow]

If u have told her all your truths, if she has seen your ups an downs, and she still wants to be apart of your life, how is that selfish??

 

My now bf sounded sad or upset or w.e. too in the beggining, and he doesnt like talking about it unless we need to, like " did u remember to take ur meds this weekend?"

Or right now hes asking "how long do u think we should wait before having sex?"

 

But other than that hes somewhat ok with it. Im allergic to latex, and he hates condoms. We are very monogamos people. The chances of me passing it to him are 4%, but aince im on suppresive meds its now down to 2% if not more.

 

If shes willing to accept this annoying little blip in your life than u have to accept her choice as well. Think about it, read all the facts and hand outs this forum has to offer. Acceptance is a natural want. And right now she wants u. So accept u have it. And accept her. If u do end up not working out as a couple, its not the end of the world. Life is short. Love who u are, and live!!

[NotPerfect714]

As you can see from my screen name, I'm somewhat a perfectionist. And it really makes me mad that I have this disease. I've had it for over 25 years with only 3 known break-outs (until this past year, probably due to menopause). One thing I wanted to mention is about condoms. She will be putting her 'perfect' self at great risk if she will never use condoms. And I'm not talking about with just you. If you stay with her, you will be able to take care of her even more than if she went back into the wonderful world of dating. Do you think most guys will be as caring as you are about keeping her negative from this disease? My husband knew I had H (can't get myself to say that word much) when he married me 25 years ago. He was negative for it. To this day, he has NEVER had an OB (and we hardly ever used condoms until recently). That is not to say that he is negative still. It is to say that most people don't even get OB's. From my figuring, it's only 3.4% of the ones who are positive. Her chance of getting cancer are probably higher. So, hold onto her if she loves you and you love her. My husband has not given up on me yet. :-)

[NeverDanced]

I have to say, I REALLY appreciate all of you continuing to share your thoughts with me. Today is a little bit better than yesterday. I don't plan on having everything figured any time soon, so I'm going to just continue to breathe, work, and sing.

 

Yes, I'm definitely going to sing.

 

Regards,

ND

[seeker]

hey never, somewhere on here someone posted about the chances of catching herpes from someone who knows they have it and behaves accordingly. now it was geared toward us guys but it went something like, you have a better chance of dying in a space shuttle flight than catching herpes from a careful person who knows they have it, would you pass up the chance to fly on the shuttle?

 

hell no, I wouldn't.

 

also remember, she is processing this too, the fact she didn't run screaming is good.and as notperfect says, she could get it from her next boyfriend who doesn't know or doesn't care.

[WCSDancer2010]

Do you think most guys will be as caring as you are about keeping her negative from this disease?

 

This is what I try to get people to understand. WE know we have H, WE can do what we need to in order to protect our partners. EIGHTY PERCENT of people with H don't know they have it. Most believe they have been tested when they have not. Add to that most with oral H don't know they can pass it to the genitals and we (unfortunately) have many who incorrectly believe that you can't pass H to someone without an active OB and you have a whole lotta people out there with the potential to unwittingly pass Herpes to another.

 

@seeker

 

Here is the "Space Shuttle" analogy ... I think it's a good reality check about risks. ;)

 

Space Shuttle Stats and Herpes (post by Unhappy1)

 

Look, there were 135 Space Shuttle flights, two of them blew up. That means there was a 1.5% risk of death for going up in the shuttle. No man in the U.S. would ever say no if NASA gave him a seat on the shuttle, I assure you of that! Now if he's willing to take a 1.5% chance of death for a good ride, don't you think he would take a .015% chance of a skin infection for your ride? [Risk of transmission when no outbreak, on Valtrex, and with condoms is about 1.5% per year (which includes sex 2x week for 52 weeks about 100 occurrences).]

 

@NeverDanced

 

Check this blog out for another perspective

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/driving-yourself-crazy/

[Scared4this]

It sounds u were diagnosed with blood test only and never had symptoms? If so, if you take a look at the result...there should be a # . If it's lower than 3 then it will fall under low positive... That means, it can be FALSE positive or potential new infection. If you have low positive.. I encourage to get a western blot test as confirmatory test. I tested positive for hsv2 at 2.43 but I just it my WB result on Wednesday and I am NEG! So take a look at your result b4 u break up with ur girl or accept your condition.... This is a life condition and u should do the right thing and get it confirm( if you have no outbreak). It's so worth it!!!

Praying for u and God bless, S

[NeverDanced]

Scared4this,

 

That is exactly the situation, yes.

 

I got the 8 test panel done so the girl and I can make things "official" and lose the condoms. If it weren't for that... I'd have no idea I'm POS. I've been trying to think back to when I possibly contracted it... and it has to be at LEAST 2 years ago. There has never been a symptom.

 

I received test results by phone. There was no mention of "low positive" and I haven't gotten a hard copy of my results yet (the place is dragging their feet). Thank you for the information. I will definitely look into that further.

[willow]

Has this girl ur seeing been tested? Maybe she passed it to u unknowingly

[NeverDanced]

Willow,

 

Yes. We both did the 8 test panel. Her's all came back NEG.

[Scared4this]

Never danced, well... This make the odds in your favor as she is neg and condoms only protect 50% from what I understand. So get your test result and see the # .... If it falls under 3.5 ... You then should get a confirmation test (western blot). If you need help with how to get the testing done ( a bit of pain) just let me know. Come back and let me know. Inaddition, go to medhelp site... U can read other posters with similar situations. That's how I learned about WB (thank God) .

 

I will be praying for you and God bless, S

 

Here is some good reading that I just shared with seeker on another post:

 

Hi seeker, WB is the gold standard of herpes test.

Here is a poster who tested positive via herpesselect with low positive # and got WB as confirmatory test and was neg! I just had the same thing with the mercy of a God!

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Herpes/HSV2-TESTING-WESTERN-BLOT/show/970605

 

I will take another WB in two months to close this out and praying it will remain neg.

 

I can't find the post that Terri Warren write in the medhelp site, but the way she explain the diff between herpesselect vs WB was:

 

Herpesselect is like looking for a person with their name and birthday but

 

WB is like looking for a person with their name, birthday, social security #, address! passport # , driver license#

 

So in short, much more accurate and less false positive results.

 

I got my discharge cultured by my obgyn. Think she sent to lab with the swab of the discharge and they test for HSV virus. This is more for if you may have outbreak in cervix and don't know.

 

Herpesselect test have false positive results due to many reasons... No one can say why but below is a link to possible explanation. Hope this helps!

 

God bless, S

 

http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/27/getting-tested-for-herpes/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0

 

 

One of the most common brands of type-specific serology is the HerpesSelect brand. It is a very good test, but there are issues with false positive results with one form called the HerpesSelect ELISA. (Other forms are the HerpesSelect Immunoblot and the HerpesSelect Express.) That is, some people who have a positive test result for the virus are not actually infected.

 

The Herpes Select ELISA is reported back as an index value. A value greater than 1.1 is considered positive. If you have no history of genital herpes outbreaks, did not have a positive culture or PCR test for HSV, or have no risk factors for genital herpes, you should know the index value. False positives have been reported with values less than 3.5. If your value is less than 3.5, ask to be tested again with a different test, preferably with another antibody test called the Western blot.

 

It all sounds a bit too complicated — but it’s not, really. The world is not perfect, and like all things, tests require some degree of interpretation too.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Scared4this

 

This make the odds in your favor as she is neg and condoms only protect 50%

 

I think I corrected you on this earlier, but the 50% protection rate is 50% of the rate of possibility of infection ... Male to female risk is 10% for HSV2 - so condoms would take that risk down to 5% ... add antivirals and the risk will be 2.5% or less. So it's not that condoms mean you have a 50% risk of getting H ... it means you are reducing the risk by half of whatever it is (all depends on the type (h1 or 2) and the location and the sex of the partner). Please read the handouts that Adrial has provided so you can understand this and pass on the info (or even better, the links to the handouts so people can read for themselves). All the risk factors are covered there:

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Also, you said:

 

I tested positive for hsv2 at 2.43

 

That is not considered a positive result. "Positive" is 3.5 or higher. Anything below is is "questionable" ... not a false positive ... as you stated, sometimes other things affect the result, but if the numbers are right near 3.5 then I'd question whether you have a false positive ... but 4 and higher is pretty reliable. But for anyone who wants a more definite result, I agree, Western Blot is the way to go although I know people who have had definite OB's and tested positive for H with a swab but didn't get a "Type" back who went for Western Blot and got an unclear result there too :(

 

(((HUGS)))