How Far Back to Go With Disclosure?

[FLNewH]

So, my conscience has been in a flux all day today. I'm all about the disclosure, but how far back do I go with disclosing this to past sexual partners?

 

I don't know how long I've had this. I could have gotten this in my 20's, from my ex-husband, from relationships I've had in the last couple of years, or from a one-night stand from who knows when!

 

I'm really really having a hard time with this. Do I call the two boyfriends I've have this past year and tell them? Do I call my ex-husband and tell him? Do I tell an ex-boyfriend (that I'm still friends with) from my 20's??

 

I just don't know what to do. My result was high, 8.0 for HSV2. So, I know I've had it "for a while" but I don't know if that means 6 months, 3 years, 15 years ... you get the point. I so strongly believe people need to know if they are at risk, but I also don't want to be making all these calls and having this discussion if I don't really need to.

 

The part of my conscience that is winning is telling me that I need to contact everyone I can remember (hahaha that sounds horrible) regardless of how long ago it's been.

 

Any opinions?

[Trying]

I have thought about this aswell, I think going back so many years, people do need to take a little responsibility for themselves and get tested...although herpes isn't in most tests but still, people do need to educate themselves a little I suppose. People from 20 years ago have probably had numerous other relationships where they could have been at risk, decided to demand a herpes test, some could have had symptoms....I think doctors agree not to test without symptoms because the physiological effect is so bad! In a way I agree, if they are happily cruising along after 20 years I don't know if I would chase them up. Maybe recently though.

[FLNewH]

@trying So, you think maybe those relationships I've had since my divorce? I've been "on my own" since April, 2013. I've had two (short-lived) relationships and a few "fun partners". sonfobitch this sucks so much

[Trying]

Yes I would do that, also there is no shame in doing so anonymously. Some may think it cowardly but I heard to many stories of people saying shaming and spreading the news

[willow]

I personally wouldnt..

or i would gibe the doc their numbers and the doc can call them..

[FLNewH]

@willow - just curious why you wouldn't? I thought of the doc route :-) but they would know it's me still. They both are out of state now and I would be the only person in FL that they know.

[willow]

Its anonamous... so all they would get is a phone call asking to get tested. They dont say where theyre from..

 

And i told the past 2 men i was with. 1st guy i dated for a short while. 2nd guy stupid one nighter..

first guy i dated was shocked but took it well. Was supportive. Listened to me cry, made me feel pretty again.

second guy (which i now know IS infact my giver considering the series of events and all the blood tests i took.)

He freaked shit on me say theres no way in fucking hell he has ir or gave it to me. That i was a phsyco. And to get my trampy self checked for other stds.

it blew up in my face. I gave him all the stats. I explained my tests and bloods teats to him. Complete asshole. And then he fucked a girl i know for a while and didnt tell her so i told her. now hes fucking some other chick and hasnt told her either. And thanks to him and one of my now ex best friend the whol town knows i have it. Drama galor.

im not ready to be out of the herpes closet. And they chose to do it for me.

 

Thats why i say get the doc to do a anonamous call.

unless you feel comfortable telling them yourself.

 

The way i see it.. the past is the past. Look forward to ur future, and do the right thing from here on out. Unless you care about the ones in ur past enough to let them kno this about u.

[WCSDancer2010]

I would personally go back, one at a time. Start with the most recent, let them know you *may* have had it awhile because the virus can lay dormant and your results indicate that it is not very recent... EDUCATE them that odds are they have never been tested. And request that they tell you the results so you know if you need to go further back in your dating history. If they are H-, THEN go to the next one.

 

Yes, you may have the experience that @willow had. So you have to approach it that *if* they are an asshole, they just proved to you why you are so lucky they are in your PAST and you will know that you at least did your best to let them know. And I hate to say it but you can't be responsible for their behavior if they act as @willow's guy did... but you at least know that from that point on anything they do IS intentional and you can be glad you are away from that person.

 

 

[FLNewH]

@willow wow! that is horrible! I'm sorry you had that experience. That guy sounds like a class-A jackass! He sounds toxic as hell for anyone he is around!

 

I know it's a risk. Hell, that's why we all get nervous and scared about the disclosure. The one guy, we will call him "Donny", he's gonna be a jerk probably but I don't think he'll freak. I don't think he will tell anyone either, that's just his style - he's a typical "man's man" and doesn't discuss things like this with people.

 

But, the other one, we will call him "James" ooohhh I can see him being vindictive. I've compared his actions before to those of a jealous, scorned girlfriend - not the kind that should be jealous, the kind that are just psycho. Disclosing to James will be hard because I am not sure what kind of action he will take afterwards. Actually, the disclosure will probably be text - he doesn't answer the phone when I call! hahaha. I will try to call, obviously, but I can just see it turning into a text conversation or me leaving a vm. Ugh, which I don't want to do because then it will be IN TEXT or in a VM!!!! ugh! See, I've known James my whole life, never really "hung out" growing up, but we have known of each other since we were in preschool. We reconnected after all these years on FB (he lives about 7 hours from me in the panhandle) and had an LDR for a few months. When James finds out, he will tell his sister ... and then (within hours I'm sure) all my graduating high school class will know. And then he will play the "poor me" victim, but probably not even ever go in and get tested. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna throw up just thinking about it!!!! I really need to think about how to prepare for the aftermath.

 

There were two guys I slept with during my online dating escapades. Unfortunately I do not know how to get a hold of them. I no longer have their phone numbers, I don't know where they live. I will try to find them on the dating sites I was on, but if I can't find them then I won't know what else to do. If I can't figure out how to get a hold of these guys, James will have to be the first.

 

I just feel it's the right thing to do. I know it's hard to do. I know I'm going to be drinking myself silly about this but at least when I close my eyes at night I won't be feeling guilty that I didn't do all I could. I know that I would have liked to have known.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, as someone posted on here, who had been telling other friends (damned if I can remember who it was? Maybe you?) about their status and finding out that nearly everyone either had it or was related to someone who had it, odds are that most of the graduating class is in that place too. So maybe approach a few who you trust and talk to them first, let them know that if any nasty crap comes their way, that they just let people know the facts (give them a handout) so HE will look like the jackass he is. Sometimes a little preparation for fallout can keep things from getting out of control.

 

OR

 

Just don't give a shit like me about what anyone thinks of you... LOL ;)

[FLNewH]

hahaha It was me @dancer. I've told 6 people, 4 of which either have it themselves, are in a relationship where their partner is H+ or they have family/friends that have it.

 

You're right, after I posted that I reread that sentence and was like "wtf do I care what they think anyway?? I haven't talked to those people in 20 years sooooo who cares".

 

He is just such an asshole (hence why we are not together any longer). I could also be over-thinking, which is typical for me and nothing may end up happening. Either way, I'm gonna do it. Here's the order of the guys since my divorce: Donny, on-line guy, James, on-line guy (nickname Ginger hahaha), boyfriend who dumped me.

 

So, taking your suggestion and working back, the ex-boyfriend is not included since my blood results came back positive. So, gonna start with Ginger. If I can't find him, then I'll reach out to James.

 

That which does not kill us makes us stronger, right? urg!!!!

[FLNewH]

So, I completely did this differently than any of the advice I have been given. I didn't intend to do it this way, but I did. I feel like a coward for the way I did it, but at least I did it, I guess anyway.

 

I sent "Donny" a text. I wanted to call him but I pussed out. I told him the very summarized story, recommended he get tested and gave him this site's info. I was completely wrong about his reaction too. Thank goodness. He wasn't the jerk I thought for sure he was going to be. He basically said it is what it is and shit happens, he hears it pretty common. he didn't seem concerned at all. so, i just told him it was still a good idea to get tested and to please let me know if he does.

 

Phew! I need to take a breath now. Even though I did it the coward way, it still shook my nerves.

[willow]

Coward?.... how are u a coward my friend?

You told them. Thats bravery and honesty.

good for you!!

[FLNewH]

Thanks @willow. You're right. The whole purpose was to inform them and I did. Thank you :-) I've got the real tough one. I've got to work my nerve up for that one. ugh, my stomach just turned thinking about it! hahaha

[FLNewH]

I sent the second disclosure via FB message since I had no other way to contact him. He said he is actually already getting tested next week. I asked him if there was a specific reason and he said no, just never had one before. So, gave him the link to this site and some general info about herpes and about the testing. He is supposed to let me know the results, so I should hear back from him in a couple/few weeks I'm guessing.

 

2 down and the hardest one is left for last ... this is so nerve racking!

[FLNewH]

And, on a side note - am I wrong to wonder why they both are taking this news so easily? You all know where my mind is wandering off to ...

[WCSDancer2010]

Maybe because your mind is making them out to be something they are not? Maybe because they read something somewhere and they realized they should be tested? Maybe because, like all your other friends, they have noticed that they are surrounded by people with H and figured they should get tested to find out their status?? ;)

 

And well done on your disclosures ... I hope that once it all settles in you really get that much of the *bad* stuff about disclosures is in your head :)

[FLNewH]

I know, you're right. Geez - how did I get so cynical!? ah, to only be young and innocent again and to be able to look at the world in a positive way :-) I think I just prepared myself so much for a negative reaction I just couldn't believe how smooth they were about it.

 

Thank you :-) I did kind of feel bad for putting it out there in a text or FB message, but I figured the important thing wasn't the way it was disclosed, just that it was disclosed. Plus it gave them some time to read and process it before reacting. It still took a while to hit that button! haha I had the message typed up, re-read, tweaked, re-worded and couldn't hit the button. I finally just said outloud "Hit Send Dammit!" hahaha

 

The third disclosure is going to be the hardest. I will tell myself that it will go ok, but will prepare myself for if it doesn't. I'm still debating on how to try to get a hold of him (over the phone or text) - he lives too far to disclose face to face.

[seeker]

stripper gram

[redroses]

@dancer just curious why you said results indicate that it is not very recent when she said her score was 8? All the Drs. told me that the number doesn't indicate how long you've had it and there's no way of telling.

[seeker]

@ redroses, it takes about 4 months to get a true positive on a blood test. so FLNewH has had it at least 4 months. I don't remember all the details of her love life ( that just sounds odd for some reason, truly no secrets around here) so with the results and maybe some math on partners it adds up to a minimum of........ not recent.

[FLNewH]

@seeker hhahaha I'm 38, there will be no math on partners here! I had some fun before I met my ex-husband at 22, we split for about a year around 8 years ago and I had some fun then. This time around I've not been having as much fun, but well, ya, no math will be done! hahhhaha

 

@redroses seeker is right, all I really will know is that I've had this for more than 4 months. So, I could have had this since before I met my ex-husband, he could have given it to me, or I could have gotten this since I've been divorced.

 

I've been thinking too, really their results still tell me nothing. Since my first OB was a few weeks ago, there is also the possibility that I've had this but just not passed it onto any of my partners. There is also the possibility that they too had it and since they were not having an OB, they didn't pass it to me. So, really finding out the results won't do me any good either. The only thing would be if their results came back negative, I would at least know I did not give it to them. But, if it came back positive, in my eyes I'm still at square one because just because they are positive doesn't mean I'm necessarily the one that gave it to them.

 

ugh - I hate the not knowing. I will say though that my gut is telling me I got this since my divorce, so within the last almost two years. My own observations now that I know the information that I know about herpes. That's why I'm only choosing to disclose back to then.

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@FLNewH

 

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Gilda Radner

 

[redroses]

@FLNewH, I'm sort of in the same boat, but in my case I've never had any symptoms, so I didn't know I had it until a routine STD testing that my OBGYN suggests everyone gets. This was the first time I agreed to it and was in total shock when she told me the results. I too was married a long time, but was no angel before I was married. I've been in a relationship for over a year now and it's possible he passed it on to me as he had one risky behavior after his divorce and some short term and long term relationships. As my Dr said, he most likely has it too since we've been together over a year, but it doesn't matter who gave it to who and we will never know. She also said men usually don't want to get tested even when they know they might be at risk. But when I told him, he did go to be tested. We are waiting for his results. I did lots of my own research on the subject and since my number is low, there's a chance I have a false positive result, so I'm going for the blot test to confirm. I was a little annoyed by Dr didn't tell me that was a possibility, but I hear Drs. are not all up on specifics like that. Needless to say, I'm very upset.