its been 4 years we have a baby I have herpes

[jordenellisson]

How on this earth do I go about disclosing to my bf of four years that I have a one year old baby with that hey, BTW I have herpes...I never meant for it to get like this. We have had such a rocky relationship and i have never felt safe in disclosing to him. For all who are

maybe haters out there that r just foaming at the bit to attack me on this I just want to be very very clear I do not condone non disclosure. No I do not think its right to take someone's choice no I'm not ok with my lie etc etc. please know I am humiliated by this disease and I am terrified of disclosing. I think about it constantly and I just can't get this out. I'm worried he will become enraged and tell everyone we know including family members. I'm worried he will relapse on drugs as this is a struggle for him. I'm worried every time we fight he will bring it up and humiliate me. I know he ain't going no where I know he would not leave but I'm worried this will b used as amo in any fights we may have. Or maybe he will leave which scares me far less then this being spread around or thrown in my face...oh gawd dare I post this dare I ask for advice on how at this point to disclose? It truley my one huge reason for joining this forum

[whitedaisies]

First of all, a big hug....you must be suffering so much inside keeping this secret. It is obvious you are petrified about disclosing.

 

But personally, whether you disclose or not is not what is worrying me.....I worry you are in a relationship that is not healthy for you and honestly, I think you should look at the relationship first and then worry about disclosing.

 

Really dig deep.....if you are so afraid of this person, that he may emotionally blackmale you or if you have a rocky relationship already, the least of your worries is herpes.

 

I don't know much about your situation, but you. Have a child you need to protecT and that is paramount. Of course integrity and disclosing is important but perhaps therapy would be good to help you sort out your thoughts. There is lots going on here and I want to make sure you have the right help to sift through the information.

 

Lots of love

Xo

[WCSDancer2010]

I have to say that I am with @Daisy ... I am more worried that this man is a danger to you, either emotionally or physically. I think your first allegiance is to your child. If there is *any* chance that he will be violent (verbally or physically), please get help.

 

Why would you want to be with someone you feel would use something like this against you?

 

I'm sorry you are still buying into the stigma after all these years. Tell you what. I'm going to give you a few links to look at first ... you check them out, then come back with your thoughts. We'll help you to work through this, ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/if-you-live-your-life-in-fear

 

Kirsty Spraggon Ted Talk “You are only as Sick as Your Secrets

 

Vulnerability

Shame

 

 

[jordenellisson]

Inka first thank u for your opinions. I have hsv2 no he does not get cold sores and he is std free. I also am as I was tested for everything when I was pregnant.besides h. Its funny that u to can see my relationship is a joke and also question the point in disclosing. He has been emotional and physically abusive in the past. I have left many times each time he swears he will change so jetr we go again. This time round there has been no physical abuse yet...whew that was hard for me to publically admit. But after dancer pretty much nailed it on a previous post I guess its that obvious... So anyway this has been a big part in my non disclosure...I have thought many times how I would explain myself but to b honest I to keep asking myself if maybe herpes is the last thing that I should wry about. I just feel like a real asshole I feel as bad as he acts.

 

 

daisysand dancer. First thank u for ur thoughts! I will check these links later today.

Yes my son is number one and yes therapy is probably a great place to go also!

Upon reading everyone's thoughts on my awful relationship it has again made me confront the fact I should leave this man. Just hard when my baby loves him so...anyway this is a herpes forum and I can work that out in therapy... I'm very thankful for your insights as I was thinking the same things but just felt like a horrible person... I swear I'm not a narsist as accused previously (which by the way made me feel so very bad about myself lol)

I just made a very immature stupid decision and now iv gotta own up or do something...thanks again ladies hugs

 

[jordenellisson]

Dancer I will come back with my thoughts as soon as I can watch these. Thanks for saying we will work through this..that gives me hope. I truly believe this will help me disclose to the right man if he ever comes along lol...but first things first right...

[whitedaisies]

Do not feel bad about yourself please....any negative words said were said out of ignorance of your situation which totally is a reminder for us all to post with empathy and to speak to others with no judgment and with humanity. Xo

 

I know your son loves him but this man is modelling bad behaviour for your son. You don't want him to end up being a man who is emotionally or physically abusive or when he is old enough to realize have him feel guilty bc he can't protect you. It's really an awful situation for you and your son and your first priority should be to get out of this situation. Don't disclose about herpes IMO. Who cares at this point....figure out how you can get out and stay out of this relationship.

 

Please go to therapy and seek help in your community. Dancer will have some helpful words soon.

 

Come on here anytime. No one thinks you are a bad person. Life is complicated and right now you are experiencing it. Love yourself and your son enough to Get help.

 

In ther meantime I will hold hope for you that you will be in a better place soon.

 

Love and hugs

Xo

[willow]

Dont be one of those girls. Dont stay with a wicked man.

wicked men make false promises...

dont define who you are by staying with him. You are stronger than this.

and its only gonna get tougher when you do decide to leave... so stay strong, and keep your kid out of harms way.

As for telling him about h... i really hate to say it.. but why bother at this point?

Telling him will only allow more anger and ressentment, and then the "people pleaser" in you, wont have the guts to leave.

 

And then maybe after the storm has calmed, you can work with your therapist or councelor or w/e about letting him know about h. But for now, dont let it trouble you. Just work on you and ur son, and life without this man..

 

- and just for the record to the other readers, i am all about disclosing. But there is a far more important situation at hand here. please dont start another drama page..

[jordenellisson]

Ladies I thank u so much for these kind words. I to am all about disclosing but at first I made the mistake of not telling him and not long after the abuse began and my thoughts ran to where yours all r aswell. I guess I came here cause he's the people pleaser in me was saying do the right thing cause he hasn't hit u in a month...wahooo we all know his behavior will repeat...trust me I am building myself up to leave him. I'm just not there yet...and yes I do not want my son to learn his behaviors or feel guilty b/c of them. I know in no other situation non disclosure is acceptable but I've been struggling with this one and it does feel a bit better that others to think me leaving the relationship is a better way to deal with this at this point. Yeah it was tough not feeling attatacked but I didn't say the whole story either. Well feeling loved thanks for your thoughts!

[jordenellisson]

Wow willow u r so right about wicked men and false promises

[FLNewH]

Honestly, at this point I don't think you should worry about disclosing to him. It sounds like he is an abusive partner and that is more the issue than herpes. I know, I know, you figured I would be the last person to say do not disclose, but I think you have bigger fish to fry right now. Not to give relationship advice, but I think you should be focusing more on how to leave him. I don't know what programs they have in Canada (that is where you are from, right?) but I'm sure they are similar to what is here in the US. May want to google and see what is out there for support groups for women in abusive situations. I see you mentioned that you have left many times before - so what made you go back? I left my ex once before the final departure. The first time I left I was not ready emotionally or financially and I didn't really have a support group. This time, I just didn't care. I figured it would all work out in the end. I stayed with my parents until I could get my own place and "down graded" my life style so I could afford to be on my own.

 

If I were you, I would put the herpes to the side for now and focus on you and your baby. If he has abused you in the past, it is only a matter of time he abuses your child. Become the mamma bear I know you are (:-P) and start reaching out to people that can help you prepare to leave him. And after you leave him, I still wouldn't disclose. I decided over the weekend I wasn't going to disclose to my ex-husband. He was shooting up drugs behind my back and never told me he had HepB. So, I know two wrongs don't make a right, but sometimes people just aren't' worth the stress and heartache.

 

Hugs girl! It sucks to be strong and do things that challenge us, but something tells me you are a tough cookie and can get through this :-)

[FLNewH]

and as far as this being a "herpes forum" yes, it is, but everything else in our lives affects our OB's and our OB's affect everything else in our lives (or so it feels sometime). So, this is the perfect forum for you to put things out there.

 

And, behavior does not change. I re-read where you posted that he hasn't been physical "yet" since the last time you returned. Yet is the important word here. People do not change. Yes, they can become aware of certain behaviors and make attempts to change the way they react to some things, or they can change their mind about things, but deep down, people do not change.

 

You have left before, just make it permanent this time. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you will be better off for it.

[WCSDancer2010]

He has been emotional and physically abusive in the past. I have left many times each time he swears he will change so jetr we go again. This time round there has been no physical abuse yet...whew that was hard for me to publically admit.

 

First, I admire your willingness to open up about that here... I know that must have been hard to admit to yourself, never mind to everyone here... but you needed to get that out so you know what you need to do.

 

Somehow I'm guessing that the reason you didn't disclose at first was you must have known that it would create a bad scene with him ... when we have Herpes we tend to tune in to potential partners more because we know we will have to tell them.... but the other part of us just wants to be loved, which makes us do stupid things. The fact that you have kept going back to him tells me you went into the relationship from a poor place of self esteem, and he is feeding into that.

 

I don't usually *tell* people what to do, but please, GET OUT. NOW. As the others have said, your son may love him, but he's too young to understand that this man is DANGEROUS and is not someone to model himself after. If you want your son to grow into a man who RESPECTS women and treats them properly, you have to show him that you DEMAND respect and you won't let a man treat you that way. He may not understand it now, but as he gets older you can give him information that is age appropriate (ie, "Daddy needs help because he was not nice to Mommy" for now, and later get into more details). But please, GET OUT.

 

Yes, we are 100% about disclosure here, but you have to think about your son, his safety and emotional well being. Once you have distance, you can tell him that he should get tested .... I would just make sure you are in a safe place where he cannot find you *if* he tests positive. Rational, "nice" people often have very "bad" thoughts and reactions post-diagnosis and even when they have been disclosed to after being intimate... I fear this guy will do something to harm you and your son needs his mother to be safe and healthy... ok?

 

Be strong. If not for yourself, for your son. Please.

[willow]

Just wanted to add a lil something....

ur son... isnt he only a year old? I know its hard but seriously ur son wont even remember this guy.. maybe at 7 yrs old sure.. but your son is soo young.

he can learn to love a different father figure and ao can you!

[seeker]

ok, Jorden, i know i was one to kind of go off in your other post. please understand i was speaking in the meta. sounds to me like you have yourself in a pickle and one i don't like personally. i absolutely hate men who hurt women (and children) i see red with these douchebags. if he is hurting you you need to get out, a shelter, family whatever. it will escalate eventually. or he will teach your child this is acceptable. im not in your shoes and i understand it can be tough but you are strong, i know it.

 

No more.

[jordenellisson]

U r all so amazing wow thank u for the words of encouragement. Seeker its alright u just didn't know where I was at. Dancer u made me laugh "I don't usually tell people what to do but GET OUT lol so candid and such very good advice. Trust me everything u all have said goes through my mind daily. I will b starting to work with a therapist to build myself esteem up enough to leave. Oh and dancer like I said before u must have a crystal ball u r right I did get into this relationship at an all time low for me. U r such an educated smart intuitive lady and I am so happy to have been lucjey enough to b getting advice fr u. Willow yes my son is one I always thought it would make it easier to go when he is young but I think its just as hard at any age...ewww I'm not saying I'm right for staying u r all right its just so damn hard. FLnew yes I agree it sure is hard to b strong but I must as well as for your ex maybe he is the one who gave it to u? It sounds pretty suspect at any rate sounds like we both have /had a couple of real winners for husbands lol. So u asked w I went back...its b/c of my son its so hard to explain but I want my son to have his dad in his life so bad I want my family...but I most certainly don't want abuse...I said he gasent been violent yet cause I know he can't be trusted...hard to explain but when u r getting abused and living in a war zone its hard to think rationally...ewww hard to explain w I stay...but I do. I whole heartly agree with u all about leaving. Oh and seeker I know u r a good guy no hard feelings ok!

Hugs!

[WCSDancer2010]

Honey... it's real easy to leave. You just resolve that your son needs to be safe, you pack your bags, and you leave. Every time that you waver, think of your son.

 

No, it's not *quite* that easy I know. To be honest, from what I have learned about domestic violence, you really need an "Exit Plan". Have someone (or several someones... preferably at least one male) ready to come in to help you leave, and have a place set up to stay at. Make sure the only ones who know where that place is are those who need to know. Try to figure out a day that you know he will be out of the house long enough for you to get all your stuff out. If you can sneak some stuff out each day that he won't notice, get a few loads out and in a safe place.

 

I totally understand you wanting your son to have his father ... but he needs his mother as much or more (especially given the instability of his father) and if you stay your life could be in danger. My daughter's Baby-Daddy was doing drugs (I thought it was just Percocet but evidently he had graduated to Heroin :( ) and stealing all the money SHE was making to pay the bills... she was in denial about how bad it was for about a year ... but she finally resolved to leave. Thankfully he didn't fight it but we had 4 men there to make sure that she was safe. He tried to get her back (actually DID get clean and sober) but it was too late for him... and my granddaughter gets to stay with him now because he lives with his parents (yeah ... at 30-something ... a real winner there :p ) and she stays with him a few days a week and he is still clean as far as I can tell (and I have my eyes on him when I'm around him, believe me)..... BUT ... the bottom line is that my daughter DESPERATELY wanted her little girl to have her daddy there all the time... to the point of them having the power cut off and having to heat the house with a kerosene heater (I found out later) and putting them both in danger with his behavior ... and one day, she realized she HAD to get out. Her baby was more important than anything else. She has managed to still have "Family days" with the father (where the 3 of them go to dinner, the Fair, and even camp together) but there is nothing between them... it's all for their daughter's sake. So - once you are out, *perhaps* you can find ways to let your son have "family time" in a SAFE public place with his father if you feel that you can handle it. But for now, please, get that exit plan in place.

 

(((HUGS)))

[jordenellisson]

Hugs dancer.thanks for sharing. I never considered family time after the breakup. That is a really good idea. In my experience drug users rarely if never stop. Mine only does for a while then he relapes takes his anger out in me the cycle continues. I do need an exit plan and I have a few options I can turn to. So I'm just working up the courage to do so. I love my son more then anything and I feel like I let him down every time I let him back. So I will use my son as my motivator. I'm gonna check out your links now. Thanks again for all your encouragement good advice and kind words. Hugs!

[jordenellisson]

Dancer I watched your ted talks links. Wow my eyes r opening g up to just how much I've let shame control my own happiness it is a little gremlin that keeps me quiet and afraid. It has limited me and put me in a horrible relationship cause it made me believe that no one decent would want me. It made me believe that if I disclosed the man would say to himself aww and that's w she's single that's the hitch...great girl but she has herpes...no thanks. But in reality the right man is gonna say great girl poor thing is living with a shMeful secret that really she shoyld not have shame about. What a great girl for coming forward and being so willing and confident to b to vunrable. What a great woman to have in my life. I realize now if he can't c past this stupid std he can't c me and I don't want him. Thanks for the links I have a lot of soul searching yo do. Thanks for educating me and help opening my eyes to a whole other perspective

[WCSDancer2010]

My pleasure! I go back to those vids on a regular basis when I am struggling with my own stuff ;)

 

Glad they helped you :)

[seeker]

look for a shelter. here in tampa we have a womens shelter ( too bad its needed) and it wont tell anyone where your at, they pick you up and take you to one of their locations.

[seeker]

I meant a womens shelter. there are ones specifically for domestic violence victims.

[jordenellisson]

Thanks seeker. I actually have a number for one.