Defeated.

[Screwthis]

So here's my story of how I so wonderfully received this. I won't be candid, and I'm sorry if it sounds angry because that's exactly what I am.

 

I dated a guy for a short while back in my freshman year of college (its encroaching upon a year or so ago now) and it was nice. He was my first boyfriend ever. I had never kissed anyone before then, nor had sex. He was the first for both. But about a month after he said he had the "cold sore virus" which I knew to mean herpes but in a nice way. He said he'd never had symptoms. After about a month I started getting a fever and a sore throat. I didn't think anything of it. A week goes by and I see the doctor, she's concerned that my sore throat hasn't gone away. She screened me for STD's and I come up positive for HSV-1 (Herpes Simplex Virus type 1). Great. She informs me the that now I will have theses recurrent sores, but not like normal people, I will have them in my throat. It's because I legitimately had a sore throat before and then the virus seized the opportunity to infect that area. It wasn't fun dealing with that the first couple months. Coming to grips with what is now a lifelong virus that will reoccur whenever the hell it wants. But I could have lived with that. About 5 months after my initial diagnosis (We had broken up for some time, and not because of the cold sores because at that point I knew most people in the US had them.) I started getting sores around my genital region as well, which I originally thought couldn't be possible because online they say its hard for you to get both of the same type of virus. Just my luck, I get to have both.

 

It's been now about a year after that and I still can't deal with this. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I have just given up. I lived most of my life in the closet as a gay man, miserable in a rural part of Minnesota. When I finally moved away and came out I felt free for the first time. Now, once again, I will have to Re-come out of every one of my sexual partners for the rest of my life. I'm so sick of this. I honestly have just decided not to deal with relationships of any kind and resigned myself to being alone (Relationship wise) for the rest of my life.

 

It really sucks because in the past year i have met some really awesome guys who I saw myself getting really close and possibly date. But since it's my first year with herpes the outbreaks have been rough and even better: constant. I get close to guys emotionally, then I just end up dropping contact with them so I don't have to tell them I have herpes. I feel hollow and empty and disgusted. It's one thing to disclose one type, but to tell someone i have herpes on my mouth and my junk is just too much for me to handle anymore.

 

Even if i find someone i will have to deal with the very real possibility that i can give someone this disgusting thing. And every time ill have sex with someone, i will just have that fear constantly in the back of my mind. What kind of life is that?

Being gay wasn't nearly as bad as this because there was a light at the end of the tunnel, whereas this is with me forever. I don't want to HAVE to live with it. I don't want to LEARN to live with it. I'm so sick of feeling like I'm in the shadows of society.

 

Yes, I realize herpes in theory isn't that huge of a deal. But with the already limited selection of men that are gay, I have now an even slimmer margin of whom that will be okay with my condition. I will also never be able to have a time of my life where I can sleep around freely and get to experiment. That door is now shut before it even has been opened. It makes me so frustrated that i cannot do anything about this. I know a "healthy diet and supplements and an active lifestyle" help but I'm 21 dammit, I don't want to have to watch what I eat, exercise every day. I just want to be fucking NORMAL. I want to date people and not have this crippling fear looming over me. I really just give up.

 

I am on antiviral medication to alleviate some of the outbreaks, but i don't really care about them specifically. it's just having it in general. The outbreaks just serve as a reminder.

 

I would love to hear some advice or anything really.

I do apologize if this is not how i was supposed to write it or something, but i had to let it all out somewhere.

Thanks.

 

[whitedaisies]

Don't apologize....u can vent on here all you want. Keep going....let it all out!

 

My situation is a bit similar to yours.....got hsv1 oral and genitsl yay! High five!

 

Got it from my 2nd sexual partner ever just when I was getting my mojo back after years of well...no sex! Was starting to really embrace my sexuality and have fun hen 3 months in....bam!

 

I am female and heterosexual but that doesn't matter....the feelings are still the same.

 

My first year was horrible too but physically I am feeling better and u will find once ur body adjusts it will give ur mind and heart time to heal.

 

All ur feelings u r feeling are so similar to mine and so many other people on here. Read the disclosure success stories, there will be people who accept ur virus and you.

 

Where do u get ur ob? If u get them on ur penis where a condom covers, the risk of transmission is small.

 

If valtrex isn't helping try famivir, some people say it worked better on them.

 

You are young and have lots of time to figure this out...don't rush it....I went to therapy to help me deal. I recommend it for anyone and Adrial also does personal sessions as a life coach to help, you could do that to get you over the hump.

 

Big hugs...it will get better

[Screwthis]

I get my OB around the genital areas, above and around the shaft. So condoms will help probably 0% of the time.

I also take acyclovir. And I cannot take famivir, it's like $500 a pill which is crazy expensive. Especially when I'm trying to pay for college.

I'm starting to see a therapist as well, but I don't see a point. It's not like she can take this nightmare away.

Thanks.

[MMissouri]

Let it all out. You're angry, and I think that's perfectly normal. The therapist can't take the herpes away, but maybe she can help you accept that you have it.

 

 

[whitedaisies]

I felt the same way about therapy...she can't rid me of this virus....but it does help with acceptance and forgiving yourself and the anger....

 

I am a year in and I spent about 7 months of them in bed depressed....seriously....this month I have started acceptance and forgiveness.

 

Good luck

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm currently out of town, and doing this answer on my phone so its going to be short, but I promise to come back with more when I get home later this weekend.

 

I promise you that you can be fine, but it's a choice. You can choose to give up and to buy into the stigma, or you can choose to learn to live with this and to have it actually help you to build deeper, stronger, more enriching relationships than you ever thought possible. I tell people all the time herpes is a great wingman, and while I know that you probably are going to think I'm crazy having said that I see people come back here time and time again later on who say that they have actually learned what I mean by that. I can't give you the link right now but we do have some very good blog entries about how herpes can act as your wingman. I'll post them later when I get home.

 

I've had this for 35 years. I also hit the jackpot except that I have oral HSV 1, and genital HSV 2. I got it with my first experience at age 17 and while it has definitely caused a few speed bumps in my life, it has not stopped me from living a very full rich and wonderful life.

 

(((HUGS)))

[seeker]

chin up brother. if you do have h1 orally in your throat I assume it wont be rearing its ugly head a whole lot as that's not a typical area for it. and are you saying you have h1 orally and genitally? chances are if that's so, you got them around the same time as if you had it orally for a while you would have had antibodies to help fight it elsewhere, tho not 100% esp with a lack of knowledge/understanding of whats going on.

 

I feel for you my friend, being gay in a rural area cant be fun. its a shame but not everywhere has opened up and accepted the LBGT community, but it seems to be getting better as more people acknowledge who they are. kind of hard to be against someone when that person is your kid or sister or such.

 

keep your head up, it will get better. come on here to vent, cry, get support etc.

[HBased]

I realize you are pretty young, so I want to impart some knowledge shared with me by multiple gay male friends & family members -- regardless of how you feel right now, the gay community at large is much more accepting of people with an STD, especially as you get older & the potential number of partners/encounters increases.

 

I'm not sure what part of the country you're in now, but I am willing to bet that if you have an active gay community you will receive far more support than you anticipate. Don't lose hope - there are so many people out there that will not see this as anything more than a pesky skin condition. <3

[VirusEnhanced]

Man... we really think alike on that whole "I'll never date again" thing. I hope for both our sake's we overcome that fear of embarrassment or denial. On the (bright side) HSV1 is the most common of the two types and as you stated many in the US have HSV1. More than likely with many having more than one sexual partner the % of HSV1 transmission will go up significantly in the future. So if you take those facts in consideration you will have tons of opportunities to share your life with another HSV1+ or even yet go beyond the fear of the stigma and even date someone who is HSV1-. Listen to WCSDancer... anytime I am sad or depressed or even confused about what ails me she will always have something positive and constructive to contribute. I take her life-story and how she has endured and over-come this virus as inspiration and encouragement. And to the rest of this great community as I have never read one bit of ill-will or truly bad advice.

 

 

It's not going to easy to accept and tolerate this virus. What in life is easy? HSV1 doesn't define you... nor does it define how you live your life who you talk to what you say how you do things. It doesn't change anything about you beyond an added skin condition. Google skin conditions.... there are far worse things out there trust me.

 

Keep on, Keeping on. Well wishes.

[WCSDancer2010]

Here's the Wingman links ...

 

I can't tell you how many posts we've had after I first wrote the Wingman blog where people have come back and said that they now "get it" ... that they have eliminated lovers and friends who were unhealthy or toxic to them, and that the relationships they have now are deeper and more meaningful than they have ever experienced :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

[Screwthis]

I'm going to be completely blunt and honest (as you were with me in another thread) I find calling herpes as a 'wingman' completely off base. I do understand the concept and also understand that It "weeds out" those people who don't like herpes. But I still think that avoiding someone with herpes isn't an indicator of a bad person. I myself would 100% avoid someone with herpes if I had known more about it, unless I really really liked them. I'm also at an age where I don't really want a long term boyfriend. I'm not considering people to get married with yet. But now that I have it I still understand the lucky ones on the other side of the herpes fence. Now I could be completely off base, and feel free to correct me. This is just my thoughts.

[ihaveittoo]

Having herpes is something we all have to deal with. For better or worse its here to stay. If someone doesn't want to be with you because of it, as much as it might hurt, we have to accept it. Granted, it doesn't make them a bad person. It just means they are not the right person for you. Many of us have gotten ourselves into bad relationships at some point in life. We think, oh they'll come around eventually. Whrn they dont life gets miserable. When you look back you realize the way things turned out was inevitable.

 

Take herpes out of the equation for a moment. Are there certain things about people that turn you off? Things like do they smoke? Are their politics 180 degrees opposite yours? Is he/she a total complete control freak nutjob? Do they have young children? Things I just listed could make you reject someone as a potential partner. They are sort of a wingman too.

 

Herpes is now a fact of life that you and any future partner must deal with. If such a person is already H+ then herpes is pretty much a moot point. If such a person is H- and educates themselves to the potential risks and are willing to accept them things can procede. If they can't accept them you go your seperate ways. Relationships are complicated, with or without herpes.

[WCSDancer2010]

I NEVER said that just because someone chooses to not be with you means they are a "bad person". owever, the way they REACT may show you that there is a side to them that isn't something you would want to be with (they are judgemental, close minded, or just ugly natured) ... or it may show you that they aren't into YOU... they just want to GET INTO you .... or it may be that they are really a great person who takes the CHOICE to not proceed because for them Herpes is a deal breaker ... and while that sucks, there are plenty of things that are out of our control that are deal breakers for people. Infertility. Mental Illness. Sexual preferences/kinks. I could give you a long list of deal breakers ... some of which people are born with, some of which (like Herpes) are acquired.

 

I know it's a concept that you don't understand right now. And that's ok. But take it from someone who's been around the block with H for the majority of her life... and who has seen time and again on here the confirmation of my theory in the Success Stories .... it CAN work for you. And even in casual interchanges (which ARE very possible) generally there *should* be at least *some* level of openness and honesty about where you are before you jump in bed (it will alleviate a lot of angst later if you do!) ... Herpes won't be a problem as long as you respect that *some* will choose to not be with you once you disclose, and that has NOTHING to do with you ;) As @Ihaveittoo said... relationships are complicated, with or without herpes ...

 

Here's some links on casual sex ... just so you can see how that can play out as well :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it thiisgoingtobeok

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now-

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder

[Beachdude1984]

I would think, and I may be ignorant in thinking so, that the lesbian/gay community would be the most accepting and least judge mental of all demographics. That small dating pool that you believe is working against you, may actually be working in your favor. I mean, if you meet some guy you like and he reciprocates your feelings, don't you think his thought process may be along the lines of, "Wow, "screwthis" is such a good dude, and it's hard enough to meet gay men anyways, I think I'll give him a chance in spite of his HSV." Just my 2 cents.

[MMissouri]

I have to agree with Beachdude. Another thing to keep in mind is the numbers. Surely the statistics for people with herpes extends to that community as well?

[Days_mommy]

i am new to the itchyness and pain of these pesky blisters..as in literally just.got tested...

however i have had hpv(genital wart kind) since i was 19 ill be 23 soon..

yeah it freaking sucks trying to tell ppl presexing it up..but for me it helps alleviate the guilt I'd feel if i didnt tell..

honestly..the oral herpes thing is more irritating to me even with the pain....CUZ I cant bite a sandwich...or eat that spicy dorito i so love..if anytbing that ppisses me off more!! lol

i myself have a gay father. who is older..and I've tried to convince him that other gay ppl exist and that hes not alone ..so u arent either!! I've got a great gay friend at work I'd love to i.troduce u to!! u aren't alone!! not because u are gay! not because u r infected!! lol.

im infected with multiple things. mono...hsv1 hpv causing genital warts...and awaiting ny hsv2 screening..

we can all be infectes together! hope this makes u feel better..just remember...just because ppl dont exclose their stds does not mean we r the minortiy,.