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messed up and lost a great person

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Hi all, my first post on here. Was diagnosed with h2 2 months ago, after having unprotected sex with someone I'd known 13 years. I trusted him. 4 days later I'm in a bad way and diagnosed with it after swabs. He denies knowing at first but then says he had suspicion s. I forgave him, I took a risk and I paid. So hard to accept and I'm run down all the time, had 2 or 3 OBs, I can't really tell when its active.

Fast forward 2 months, I met a great guy. We stupidly momentarily had unprotected sex although I didn't remember and he assured me we used protection. A few days later I see a bump, so avoid intimacy, and have the chat with him. He was kind and asked as. He saw me again after that but has flu symptoms. I warn him that's I how started. He says he needs space. Ignores my msgs the but today he does have it. I should have told him before we had sex. And I knew I was having an OB..which I didn't know! He's angry, says he can't trust me now. Im going with worry and guilt. I never would want to hurt him. We really each other. I'm so sad and don't want to let him go. Any advice? Does he just need time or am I bad person. I'm still getting my heard around it myself, now this!

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Hi Cleopatra, you are not the first to make this mistake... and although you probably should have been more forthcoming about this from the beginning, or least before you were intimate... you made a mistake, this does not mean that you are a bad person, it means you are human, and shit happens. So take some time to forgive yourself, and give him the space he needs to process his own feelings. You have no control over how this will end with him; he might not be able to look past this. At this stage, you also don't know if he has contracted it or not. Give this situation time, give him space and take the time YOU need to deal with this alone. You need to come to terms with your diagnosis, and understand how it affects your body, and also get your head in a place that will help you not make this mistake again. Your love life is not over, but it has changed. We cannot put ourselves in the same careless situations as before, because it's not just about us anymore. Be patient with yourself and this man, and let the cards fall where they may. I know waiting is difficult, but it's all you can do, and it also affords you the time you need to get in a good place again. Sending you lots of love. Stay strong.

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Hi Positively beautiful, thank you so much for replying. You are right, we both need time. He has said he has caught it..I'm certain he does sadly. Just worried he's not going to cope or talk anyone. I might just let him know I'm here for him and leave it alone. So yeah, new approach to my love life. Cannot be careless, I never want to do this to anyone again, or feel this anguish. The sad truth is its very contagious, I hadn't realised just how so and I couldn't ever tell a person they'd be safe from it even if we followed best practice. This poor guy has caught it after a moments contact when I had no symptoms at that point. I felt a very sore throat the next few day though and had cold symptoms. Is that a prodrome to an OB?

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It's hard to say, a sore throat could indicate that your immune system has been weakened and that you might be more susceptible to an outbreak, or experience prodrome symptoms. Everyone has different reactions, so there is no clear cut answer unfortunately. Time again is what you need. You will become much more acutely aware of your body, and how it reacts over time and you will be in a better position to protect others at that point. I would recommend daily supplements of l-lysine and vitamin C to help boost your immune system on the regular. Over time, your body will get this under control, and you will be more educated on your triggers or symptoms. It's all a huge learning process, take it one day at a time. And yes, perhaps just tell him one last 'I'm sorry and I'm here for you.', point him to the site for additional info, and let him have his space. He might come back, he might not, but again, that's completely out of your control, so let things happen as they are meant to happen. And try always to stay positive, that will help with the healing process too.

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Sil88 is right: this infection is very new to your body, and your immune system hasn't gotten it under control yet. Also, shedding is more frequent during the first 6 months (to a year, I think), and if you aren't on suppressive therapy, the risk of spreading it is a bit higher than if you are on it (you didn't mention whether you are or not).


I'm mentioning this because you said, "The sad truth is its very contagious, I hadn't realised just how so and I couldn't ever tell a person they'd be safe from it even if we followed best practice."


That's not true. While there is always a risk, and your partner needs to be aware of it, it is possible to have sex without passing this on. I've had sex with two guys (like, a lot of sex) and the first one didn't get it (he tested several months after the last time we were together) and the second one hasn't gotten it so far.


There are so many stories on this site about H+ people who never pass it on to their H- partners. Please don't think that you won't be able to get this under control. You will learn your body and your prodrome symptoms, and you'll be able to avoid sex when an outbreak is coming on and protect your partner.


Everyone makes mistakes, and, honestly, I have no idea how I would have handled it if I had met someone with whom I wanted to become intimate 2 months into my journey with this. I'm really sorry for what you're going through and I'm sorry for what this guy is going through now, but whitedaisies is right: you have to forgive yourself and learn from it. It does get better.


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@sickoflifelessons got it right - odds are the reason that he got it is that you so recently acquired the virus that you are shedding a lot right now because you dont have the antibodies yourself... I've also had 2 three year relationships with H- men and never got it...and it sounds like you were incapacitated when you had sex (you don't seem to remember it?) in which case you can only take his word about his using a condom :(


I would sent him the handouts/info from here and ask him to get educated. And then you will have to wait to see if he's the kind of guy that takes responsibility for his part of the equation .... so that hopefully you can at least keep the friendship.


Got to keep this short... time for bed ... but we are here to help you through this :)


Handouts + disclosure e-book:




Herpes facts video
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Amazed to get all these really helpful, kind responses...thank you all. I will reach out to him once more. Its interesting and reassuring to learn I'm shedding a lot more because its so new and it won't always be the case. I'm fortunate I'm not in loads of pain like at the start...its so subtle some days I can't even be sure what's happening and at what stage so I have to be safer than sorry

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