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casual sex after the herpes fact

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So I know a lot of ppl engage in casual sex and they don't know they have H, I recently had casual sex with a guy on 2 occasions and the last time I got a bad swelling and itching in my vagina, I thought nothing of it until my doc told me I was exposed to herpes, I never had symptoms and still doesn't, so is being exposed means I have it because I read if u don't get sores and do the culture swab then u might not have it. Anyways I accept the fact that I do have it, so I thought it was the guy who gave it to me but turns out he doesn't have it and after I told him, he just stop talking to me and I haven't said anything to him either. I am scared of running into him at a club or anywhere in town since the town is small, so I just gave up on my social life, I couldn't face him, what must he think of me to exile me like that. And how can one think of casual sex ever again, I don't want a relationship, it's not for me, so I guess staying by myself for life is my only option. Please let me hear your thoughts.

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Hello and Welcome!


Well, first - did you get a blood test? Swab? If the Dr diagnosed you visually then you need to go to a different Dr (preferably OBGYN/Planned Parenthood ... PCP's/GP's are often terribly behind the times in their info) and get a blood test. If it comes up negative then you may want to retest about 4 months after your encounter. If you were tested, can you tell me how (swab/blood?) and if it was a blood test, the result numbers???


As for casual sex, it is totally possible. It's late and I need to get to bed but honestly, we have had some great conversations on here about just this subject that will tell you a lot about how others have gone about having casual sex... so I'll just post the links :)




http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex general discussion






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@callmecrazy26, To get straight to the point, if your IGG was 8, that definitely means you have contracted herpes. Anything above 3.5 is a confirmed positive. Do you know if it's type 1 or 2? Herpes is tricky and everyone reacts differently, so the fact that you have no typical symptoms (ie: blisters) doesn't mean anything. I also do not have the typical lesions, but I am thankful for that... a lot of people suffer with the physical symptoms, so consider yourself lucky to not have to deal with those... yet. They can creep up later in life or during stressful periods, just keep that in mind. Many people have gone years without any symptoms, some never get them at all.


Anyways, concerning the emotional hurt and feeling rejected... you are not alone, a lot of people here have felt that. When I was diagnosed, I was seeing someone, and as soon as I told him, he was gone. It hurt so much, and dealing with that was far more difficult than accepting the diagnosis itself. However, you can't take one bad reaction as fact. Yes, people will walk away when you tell them you have herpes, and that's a choice they are allowed to make. But this has nothing to do with you as a person. People are rejected all the time for various reasons, such as having kids, smoking, distance, height, jobs, you name it. But there are tons of stories on here that prove that not everyone will think herpes is a big deal (cause it's not), and will love you regardless. Go read the success stories, they are truly uplifting.


Yes, your ego is bruised, but you are not the scum of the earth. You are human, you caught a virus and it could have happened to anyone. Nothing about you has changed, so start with trying to change your thoughts. Don't allow your self-worth to be dictated by a stigma that holds no value. Love yourself anyways, appreciate all the good, because realistically, it could have been far worse... think of those that contract HIV, those that become paralyzed, those that lose their sight... put things into perspective. And work on healing. You deserve to feel accepted, loved and valued, but it all comes from you first.


A quote for you: "I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become."


Reach out when you need us. We are all here for you.

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Honey... for one, we are NOT scum of the earth and anyone who is worth being near you will know that. You see, Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman ... you can use it to see who wants to get INTO you vs who wants to get into YOU. And even for casual sex, that is important ... because the former won't care what happens to you afterwards (ie, you don't know if they have anything else and if your will be safe with them) where the latter are more likely to be trustworthy with their honesty about what they want and not intentionally do anything to harm you.


A casual lover *may* choose to not have sex but truthfully anyone who engages in casual sex really should be honest with themselves that they are ALWAYS at risk with that behavior (simply because many people could have just obtained an STD and even those who test very regularly may not be being tested for Herpes). Just like you risk an accident when you get in a car, non-monogamous sex comes with a risk of an STD or pregnancy. Not judgement... just fact. Anyone who treats you like "scum" when you disclose would be, to me, suspect anyway because their denial and ignorance would tell me there's a really good chance that if they don't have an STD, they will get one some day because they will be taking risks with people who "look clean" and who have no idea about their status and tell them that they are STD-free.


And really, if someone is ever nasty to you, it's not at ALL about YOU ... it's about THEM and their IGNORANCE and UGLINESS... and why would you want that person anywhere near your life??? (Hence the Wingman theory ;) )








Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial


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  • 2 weeks later...


That's a difficult thing to experience but it's his loss, not yours. Ignorance is a much bigger turn off than herpes!!!! From time to time you may come across these types of reactions but I can guarantee he was just in it for the sex by his reaction (assuming he didn't even try to understand or make an effort). The beauty of herpes is that it allows us to screen out potential partners. You would have had sex with guy (which may have been great) BUT then what? If he wasn't prepared to learn more then he isn't much of a friend either.


Pick yourself up, brush off the negative energy and get back out there. Sooooo many smarter, more compassionate men on this planet than you realize. Go get yourself one of them ;)

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Thanks guys, I'm getting to the point of forgetting I have it. I'm thinking how I don't want to keep feeling this way up and down, powerless and rejected, what if I don't tell guys but make sure I'm extra careful. I mean no one tells or ask anyone before kissing if they have had cold sores before? Still a risk since u can't see inside someone's mouth as oppose to being able to see on the pubic area.

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@ callmecrazy26

I have had that same talk with myself many, many years ago....it makes sense when you are in the justification/bargaining stage of herpes. I know how you feel. BUT.... at the end of day, you wouldn't feel good about that and you would regret it (you know it). it's not fair at all.... but trust me when I tell you...... disclosing is what you want and need to do.) it's the only way to find true love and it's the only way you could live with yourself. Give your partner the option, love and respect them enough and it will come back to you in spades. I guarantee it.

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The hsv + guy I'm talking to right now got it at the base of his penis after having only condom protected sex with women. Transmission is possible with condoms. Too many people are afraid of disclosure and have sex thinking they can be totally safe. Getting comfortable with your body and what symptoms and outbreaks you may have would be good before risking it without disclosure. Taking the time to know your body and how it reacts with hsv will help being safe in the future.- I've had it for 8 years, am recently seperated, and getting refamiliar with the dating scene. I made a positive singles account to help in that journey. If nothing else it reminds me I'm not alone and that I have healthy, happy options that don't require 'disclosure'. Though I'd recommend talking general std health openly before sleeping with someone. It will be okay, you will make it through this, you will have healthy, open relationships with people. :hugs:

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I'm thinking how I don't want to keep feeling this way up and down, powerless and rejected, what if I don't tell guys but make sure I'm extra careful. I mean no one tells or ask anyone before kissing if they have had cold sores before?


So here's the deal: (Tough Love Alert!) You got H because someone didn't disclose. Do you want to carry the full responsibility for someone else getting it from you because you didn't give them the CHOICE? Sure, they may back out and say no. That is their prerogative. It doesn't make you any lesser of a person. But anyone who is being honest with themselves will know that there is ALWAYS a risk with casual sex.... and they should THANK you for being honest and it will make them more aware of always using a condom. (Sure, it's not 100% ... but many never use condoms and believe they can "tell" when someone has an STD or that they just won't get it... ) You can't always "see" when someone is shedding ... so anyone who is having casual sex who believes they will avoid an STD by "looking" is terribly under-educated and you shouldn't let their ignorance mean that you did the wrong thing if they insist on believing that and walk away from you....


Cold sores are a difficult topic .... but given that 60% of kids have the virus orally by the time they are young adults and 80% of people under 50 have it, well, it's just kinda accepted that the risk is always there for kissing. Sex, on the other hand, brings the risk of MANY STD's .... (ie, you should be having this transparency talk for YOUR STD health... you might get the person who casually "forgets" that they have something else!) including one that can kill you ... AND ... fewer people already have HSV genitally and we don't need to increase that number because it's uncomfortable for us to have that talk.


Still a risk since u can't see inside someone's mouth as oppose to being able to see on the pubic area.


You have a BETTER chance of seeing if someone has a Cold Sore as they appear on the OUTSIDE of the mouth .... genital herpes can present as minute paper cuts that you won't see unless you have a spotlight on the other person's genitals ... and BOTH can shed asymptomatically so you wouldn't see them anyway ;)


What you need to do is work on your self confidence and self worth. Noone can *make* you feel "Powerless and rejected" ... the reality is you already feel that about yourself and you allow the other person's reaction to trigger that belief. Rejection is a powerful trigger of negative self-beliefs in people ... which used to be a great way to keep you alive in cave man days (to be rejected by the society meant certain death so people would learn to behave in ways to keep them in the group) ... but nowadays it creates pain in those who have not learned that rejection is not about YOU .... :)


http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..





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Once u r honest, things go downhill.


Nope Nope Nope!!!!


Once you are honest, you see the true person. And you can "Call me crazy", but even for casual sex, I would want a person who is kind, empathetic, educated, and who is smart enough to know that if I have told them the truth about my virus, that I'm not likely to do other things that would endanger them.


Did you read the links I posted about casual sex BTW?



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