Disclosed to a guy I was dating, went really well, our now-6-month relationship is amazing

[caterpillarmonarch]

This happened about 5 months ago, but I'm just getting around to writing this.

 

I had been dating a guy for about a month. He had asked me to get a full STD test and he would too. I thought, "No problem! I have every year with my annual" so I thought. Things got out of hand and we had sex (with a condom) once before the test results come back.

 

When my results came back positive, it was a horrible experience at the doctor's office (see http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4990/the-doctor-s-reaction-was-the-worst-part-my-story-in-case-it-happens-to-someone-else#latest) but I still knew I had to tell him right away. He was gone for a week so I had to call and tell him. I just told him straight-up and then kept repeating "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

 

He tried to calm me down and saying it wasn't that bad. Then he said something to the effect of, "I tell you what, let's both take an hour to research this and then I'll call you back." I agreed and that's what we did.

 

When he called me back, he said "Ok, this is not a big deal." Obviously, I felt differently. We discussed it a bit more and then he said the statement that took a huge weight off of my shoulders. He simply said, "(my real name), this is not a deal breaker for me."

 

Did that make everything ok? Nope, 5 months later and I'm still not completely ok with it, but I can't even begin to describe how him saying it wasn't a deal breaker changed things.

 

After about another week or two, I had found a better doctor/specialist and was going to meet with him ASAP. Unfortunately, this was when he, my now-boyfriend, was out of town again. I asked him if he had any questions he'd like me to ask for him. He sent me a list of questions to ask. The last one on the list said something like "How did I get such an amazing girlfriend?"

 

He's been amazing ever since about it.

 

I feel like I'm the lucky one vs. him.

 

What an amazing man!

[whitedaisies]

Wow how sweet.

 

Good for you. I hope you are enjoying this wonderful man that entered your life.

 

Hugs

[fitgirl]

Men and women like this exist. We just need to believe in ourselves and give them a chance to show their wonderfulness :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Awesome story! Thank you for coming to share this ... I think this deserves to be a Success Story...:)

[caterpillarmonarch]

Thanks @fitgirl and @WCSDancer2010! I hope this story inspired more people to disclose, and not lose heart if someone doesn't take it well. There are those out there that will!

[HBH]

I needed to read this right now. I've been dating a guy for 4 weeks and it weighs on me almost every minute that I will have to tell him someday. I want to get it over with and tell him sooner rather than later. I have a lot of great support in my life telling me to wait that it's not time yet. I just don't want to get more invested and attached to have him walk away. On the other hand, we're just getting to know each other and maybe we won't want to be together in 2 weeks anyway. I will have told him for nothing. The conflict is slowly killing me. I almost want to break it off just to avoid the whole thing. Ouch.

[dreamingofsomeone167]

Wonderful post, thanks. We all need to keep hearing the success stories so we know there are real people out there who see the real person in each of us, not the stigma.

[caterpillarmonarch]

@HBH Please don't say no to yourself, if he says no, that's ok, but don't make that decision for him. You never know. I was really shocked when mine went so well, but I'm grateful it did.

 

And, as so many have said on this forum before, if the answer is "no" you're probably better off anyway because he's not a quality guy.

 

My friends and I were discussing the "joys" (major sarcasm) of online dating. I wasn't getting a lot of callbacks after first dates when I was online dating, so I decided to swallow my pride and ask a couple of the guys for feedback. I asked them to be brutally honest. One responded "I was just looking for a housewife" which I'm definitely not. Another one (props to him for really being honest), basically told me he just wanted to sleep with me and when he realized I was more of a long-term woman, he wasn't interested. I wanted to share this because what I learned was that, in both cases, the "no" had nothing to do with me and their "no" was a blessing to me.

[fitgirl]

@HBH

This period of dating can be excruciating!!!! I have felt those same feelings myself. It's soooo hard to know when to disclose, its an individual choice and there is a fine line between tell too early and waiting too long. Might I suggest..... when you are talking about taking things to the next level (sex) ask him to get a full STD screen (as you should/would in any new relationship). When he gets his results you can compare notes! There is a good chance he may have HSV1 which would lead the conversation...hey, we both have herpes woohoo! :)

If he doesn't, it gives you a starting point for the conversation. If you live in Canada, a full STD screen does NOT include HSV1 or HSV2 or HPV (even if you ask they are unlikely to test for it). The US has a more accessible and available testing profile.

 

Regardless, don't rush "the talk". Go with your gut.

[whitedaisies]

I agree disclosure is gut or intuition.

 

I have disclosed to 2 friends in te last 24 hours. None of tem were planned but both were super supportive and said it was no big deal. Everyone has it and it doesn't change how they feel about me. It was wonderful to hear.

 

My issue is my body reacted so badly that I have a hard time believing if I give it to someone else that won't be their experience. That is my struggle not theirs lol

 

I think sometimes when we worry about disclosure, we kind of relive when we were diagnosed and how we felt instead of focusing on the actual disclosure. At least that's what I do. It's almost like reliving that horrible experience again.

 

I think the key is to separate the disclosure from ones diagnosis. Once I do that I should be good to go.

 

But gut instinct is key and we need to be "still" so we have quiet to listen to it.

 

[HBH]

I woke up this morning thinking that I'm taking on what I fear will be my guy's reaction! I don't have to do that. I already know I have it and I have some peace around it for me. It's his reaction that I am having feelings about and I don't have to do that to myself. Detach from his reaction! I'm ok. Be still. Love your comments!! Thank you!

[WCSDancer2010]

I woke up this morning thinking that I'm taking on what I fear will be my guy's reaction! I don't have to do that. I already know I have it and I have some peace around it for me. It's his reaction that I am having feelings about and I don't have to do that to myself. Detach from his reaction! I'm ok. Be still. Love your comments!! Thank you!

 

LOVE that last comment! You go @HBH !!!!

 

Read all the Success Stories that you can on here... they will help you to become inspired about how and when to tell him. As mentioned ... there's no right time.. do it when it's right for YOU!

 

[nygirl92]

i'm really happy for you :)