Just diagnosed with herpes today. 19 years old and scared

[Kt41]

I just moved to a new state by myself with room mates. I'm 19 years old and was diagnosed today. I told my boyfriend whom is a very new relationship. He is getting tested. He is being very supportive but I can tell things are different between us. I'm getting medication, but will I be able to have sex with him ever again? How high is the risk of him getting infected if he has sex with me with condoms and my suppressive medication? I'm so young. I haven't even lived yet. I feel depressed and disgusting and ashamed. I have a feeling he is going to dump me. I will never have a normal life again.

[MMissouri]

If you read the handouts on the forum and the watch the video Adrial has on the homepage, it will talk about the risks with medication and condoms. It's pretty low. You didn't mention what type you have and where? That matters when it comes to stats. I can't tell you that your boyfriend won't dump you, but I can tell you at 19, you will have many more opportunities to have relationships. And yes.. they can be normal. All of us have gone through the period of shame and depression, and it gets better. I promise. Read some of the success stories and educate yourself about H. The more you know, the better it gets.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Kt41

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

I'm a 35 yr veteran of genital herpes (2) ... acquired mine at 17 with my first sexual experience ...but didn't know what my "rash" was till years later when my now ex hubby caught it from me (the divorce was 18 yrs later and not H-related). I also got oral HSV1 at age 4. So I REALLY got it before I had "lived" ... and I've had a pretty decent life ... married, 2 beautiful daughters (one born naturally, one by c-section but not because of an active OB) - amicable divorce, and two 3 yr relationships with H- men who accepted my status and never got it from me. And honey, we had PLENTY of sex .... So please don't think you can't have a "normal" life :)

 

You didn't say which kind (H1 or 2) you have, nor how you were diagnosed, but I'd be willing to guess you got it from the BF if the relationship is really new. Most first symptoms appear within a few days to a couple weeks after exposure. If he's had cold sores and you had oral sex then you probably got HSV1 from him that way. So your first order is to find out if he has herpes and if so, if you both have the same type. If you do, then there will minimal, if any, precautions needed between you ... (AND BTW, if you both have it, never EVER use that as a reason to stay if the relationship has run it's course ... don't let yourself think you have to stay because you won't find anyone else to love you... ok?). If he doesn't have it, then we will help you to understand what you need to do and the risk factors ... but know that we have tons of success stories on here with discordant couples ... in fact, read all of the success stories that you can to help you to see that your love life can actually be BETTER with the virus .. and @MMissouri is right - you are 19 .. if this guy acts like a jerk and dumps you, you will have plenty of other opportunities to find love with a man who is into YOU ... and isn't just interested in GETTING INTO you ... ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

 

[Kt41]

@mmissouri @WSCDancer2010 I have HSV2 genital herpes. I know its pathetic but I am too scared to even open the video. It'll make this all real. This morning I woke up and thought it was just a bad dream. Sometimes I fantasize that they'll call me and tell me they made a mistake. My boyfriend said that he fell in love with my mind not my body and a big part of him thinks its worth the risk, he will still need some time to figure out where he stands with all of this. It is only a 4% chance for a female to give it to a male, and thats only if we didn't use a condom nor being on medication. I can't help but feel like even if my boyfriend chooses that he still wants to be with me ill always feel like I am less valuable than him and I'm lucky he still wants to be with me. Im not an ugly girl, I had a terrible year of under-valuing my worth and giving my body to people that didn't deserve it or love me. I thought I got past those insecurities but now I'll have to live with those mistakes for the rest of my life. The doctor can't even tell me how long I've had it. I can't tell my family, for all they know I'm still a virgin. I guess Im asking how you guys coped with it and rebuilt your self-love and self-value? I am terribly lonely, not having anyone to talk to except my boyfriend via FaceTime because he lives back home and my best friend that lives at home as well. Do you think a support group will help? I just don't want to walk in there and be the only girl under the age of 30. Sorry for typing an essay its just really hard to have the courage to even talk about it.

[MMissouri]

But..it is real. The longer you avoid that, the longer it will take you to heal and rebuild that self love and value you want. A support group might help, and I doubt everyone in the room will be in their 30's. I really don't think it would matter anyway. The people there are going through exactly what you have, and you will bond over that. In the meantime, you have this forum and a boyfriend that hasn't run away. It's a start.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi @Kt41, first of all, I just want to start off by saying that herpes does not discriminate... Anyone, at any age, even with protection or not, is at risk of getting this virus if they are sexually active. This doesn't make you dirty or wrong in any way, it makes you human. Our bodies are susceptible to catching all kinds of viruses, just like the common cold, and it's just the luck of the draw really as to who gets it and who doesn't. I think MMissouri is right... the first step in this journey is acceptance... accept that you have this skin condition, and that it is not going away. Next forgive yourself for the choices you made that led you here... we all go through hard times and make irresponsible choices, but this is all part of growing and learning and becoming better. You can't take those decisions back, and you can't wish the outcome would have been different either... it's wasted energy, because what's done is done, so where's the silver lining?

 

Consider the fact that this is just herpes, an annoying skin condition. Consider the people that get diagnosed with HIV, that become paralyzed, that are fighting stage 4 cancer, or that go blind. There far worse thing in life than herpes, so appreciate the fact that you are still able to experience life in all its fullness. Besides some occasional physical symptoms and uncomfortable talks, your life will not change. Most of all, you have not changed. Remember that always. Nothing about you and what you have to offer has changed... Believe your bf when he says that he fell in love with your mind and heart, because that's the truth. Everything that makes you uniquely special is still firmly in tact. And, herpes will also help you weed out the negative people in your life as you move through your journey. Because it's such an intimate thing to share with people, it will help you slow down and get to know people before you open up to them or decide you want to pursue things physically.

 

Ultimately, everyone who gets herpes reaches a cross-roads... and you have two choices... one where you allow yourself to feed into negative, self-defeating thoughts and emotions, and one where you decide that the society's narrow-minded stigma cannot dictate your worth, and every moment you choose to love yourself, to tell yourself you are special and worthy, and that you deserve love and happiness. It will empower you tremendously to take the positive approach towards self-love. It won't be easy, especially at the beginning, but reach out to support groups, come on here, see a therapist if you need to, but act always in self-love and commit to your emotional well-being above everything else. One day at a time, you will get there, and herpes will just be a small blip on your most amazing journey. You and everyone else in this world, regardless of what they have lived through or are struggling through, deserves love; but it starts with you. Consider even changing your vocabulary from "i have to live with my mistakes" to "i have to embrace these lessons and grow stronger"... cause that's what any adversity in life will be about... growing stronger.

 

Here are a few quotes for you:

 

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."

 

"The human ability to survive and flourish is driven by the struggle of the human spirit through conflict into transformation."

 

"If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can't equate defeat with being unworthy of love, life and joy."

 

Stay strong, stay positive, we are all here for you.

[WCSDancer2010]

So how were you diagnosed? Swab or blood test? Were you having symptoms or did you just go for a test? If you had a blood test, what were the numbers? There's a lot of things we can do to help you here with understanding your diagnosis but I need that info first. Again, given the timing of your diagnosis... if you had an outbreak and that is what sent you for the test, odds are very high you got it from your BF....in which case your bloodwork would come back negative right now. If you were diagnosed via blood work with no symptoms, the numbers are important because under 3.5 has a 40% chance of being a false positive. So if you can give me more detail I can help you to understand things more.

 

@mmissouri @WSCDancer2010 I have HSV2 genital herpes. I know its pathetic but I am too scared to even open the video. It'll make this all real. This morning I woke up and thought it was just a bad dream.

 

Please - watch the video. It really helps you to understand things ... and help you to realize that this isn't the end of the world.

 

My boyfriend said that he fell in love with my mind not my body and a big part of him thinks its worth the risk, he will still need some time to figure out where he stands with all of this. It is only a 4% chance for a female to give it to a male, and thats only if we didn't use a condom nor being on medication.

 

Again, the odds are (from your timing.. I need more info) that you got this from your BF ... its VERY possible he is one of the 80% of people who carry H2 symptomatically and don't know it. In which case, why would getting Herpes make you a bad person???? It happens ALL.THE.TIME. because the majority of people don't know they carry it.

 

I can't help but feel like even if my boyfriend chooses that he still wants to be with me ill always feel like I am less valuable than him and I'm lucky he still wants to be with me. Im not an ugly girl, I had a terrible year of under-valuing my worth and giving my body to people that didn't deserve it or love me. I thought I got past those insecurities but now I'll have to live with those mistakes for the rest of my life.

 

Honey - I got Herpes on my FIRST sexual experience. At 17. Giving my body to a guy who was 21 and who I thought was into ME ... my mother found out about the hook-up and I never heard from him again. It took me years before I found out that he was the giver of my "rash" ... a rash called herpes. I did a lot of stupid things regarding giving my body to men who didn't deserve it too ... but that doesn't make me a "bad" person, it makes me a HUMAN BEING, BEING HUMAN. A life well lived will include many mistakes. It's how we learn and grow. Your past is not who you are... BUT, how you CHOOSE to react (learn and grow, or become a victim and curl up and give up) says a LOT about who you are as a person. I for one believe that my compassion, capacity for love, and ability to reach out and help others has come out of my life experiences. Use this time to realize that you ARE worthy of love... and that Herpes has NOTHING to do with that.

 

The doctor can't even tell me how long I've had it. I can't tell my family, for all they know I'm still a virgin. I guess Im asking how you guys coped with it and rebuilt your self-love and self-value? I am terribly lonely, not having anyone to talk to except my boyfriend via FaceTime because he lives back home and my best friend that lives at home as well. Do you think a support group will help? I just don't want to walk in there and be the only girl under the age of 30. Sorry for typing an essay its just really hard to have the courage to even talk about it.

 

So - fact time for you. Herpes doesn't care if you are a "good" person or not. We have had 16 yr old VIRGINS who got it from oral sex on here and we've had 70 yr old widows who got it after a 50 yr marriage from their first post-widowhood BF. We've had people who are admittedly very sexually active and people who have had maybe one or two partners. It's a clever virus that hides well and the spread is exacerbated by the CDC's lack of education and testing.

 

Definitely find a support group ... you certainly will not be the only person under 30 ;) And get yourself a few H-friends on here because you need to hear time and again that life WILL go on and you WILL be fine... ok :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

 

[Kt41]

@WCSDancer2010 @Positivelybeautiful I just called my doctor and she said that I was just infected by it in the last month or so so not all my antibodies were developed yet so I only have a .2 but all the antibodies that are developed are positive and I can get retested in about 6 weeks to know my full count. I went in to get my first pap exam and gyno visit and just got tested with everything. Thank you for all your kind words. I will have to find some way to get through this.

[ambitious85]

Hey girl -

 

I found out I had it last year, when I was 19 too. Obviously, I'm 20, and it was just as scary for me as it is for you now. However, it will get better. If it helps, I've had a quite a few disclosures since then, and I haven't had a really negative one at all, and I have had sex since then. Not to say the negative ones don't exist, but they are not the end all be all, and they are also usually a product of societal stigma.

 

You've definitely come to the right place. And about not valuing yourself and giving yourself to all the wrong people -- I understand. I got it from a 42-year old married man who took advantage of me, to put it frankly. You are not alone.

 

It's scary now, but the most important thing to remember that really, this is a skin-condition. I've had eczema all my life, and that's what I like to compare herpes to -- a permanent skin condition. It's just germs, the only thing different is HSV1 oral has a euphemism, and HSV 1 & 2 genital don't -- but it's caused by the same virus hun. As far as relationships, a friend told me something I like -- this will scare any AVERAGE JOE that's not educated... but you're better than an average joe and you deserve more (just in the course of life).

 

And, WCSDancer2010 is awesome, she helped me, she'll help you, she helps all of us. And I agree with Mmissouri and PositivelyBeautiful as well.

 

I'm more than willing to be a text buddy if you'd like, especially since we're so close in age.

 

Life threw you a curve ball, but trust, this is life (there will be other curveballs, but there will also be home runs!). and things could be MUCH worse. You will be alright... and even fantastic, with time.

 

Sending love and strength your way! <3

[PositivelyBeautiful]

@kt41, did you have any sores or other physical symptoms? or was it just a random blood test? If so, you need to know the specifics... 0.2 without symptoms is generally not considered positive (unless as she suggests, you have had a recent exposure). Assuming it was an IGG test and the value you mention is just for HSV2, that is a very low antibody level. Anything above 1.1 is normally positive and anywhere between 1.1 and 3.5 has a 40% chance of false positive... you need more information. It is possible that you did just acquire this, but i don't know why they would suspect that if you didn't have any symptoms. You can do another test in a few weeks to see if that number climbs, and know it generally takes about 4 months for antibodies to fully develop.

[WCSDancer2010]

So have you had an outbreak or was this discovered by a blood test with no symptoms? While 80% of people don't have symptoms, if you were diagnosed through an IgM test (as opposed to an IgG) then the result/diagnosis is suspect... IgM tests are considered notoriously unreliable. So why did you go for testing? Did you have an OB or were you doing the "pre-relationship STD screening"?

 

As @PositivelyBeutiful said, the results are way under a "positive" result. If you had gone to a GP, I srongly suggest that you go to an OBGYN or Planned Parenthood because they are FAR more up to date on this stuff than the average GP. :/

[Kt41]

I just went in to get my first gyno visit cause I've never been to one before. She said it was IGM and i was exposed to it in the last month or so. I did sleep with a random guy I met at a frat party about a month ago before mike and I became official. I went in for a gyno visit the week after. Of course that would be the guy to expose it to me. I called to ask questions and the assistant lied and said she wasn't there until i asked so many questions and she had to put me on hold so many times that the doctor finally talked to me directly. She told me to stay away from forums and I only have a .2 but its a new virus and the antibodies that are developed are positive and in the next 6 weeks or so they will all develop. and I never had any symptoms except last night my boyfriend said he was willing to take the risk and we had sex with a condom, I've been taking meds for the past few days. but there was one small part that was irritated on the rim of my vagina, it felt like it was just rubbed raw, there was no cut or sore or lesion, just swollen and agitated. Will that happen every time I have sex? Or was that an outbreak and I made the huge mistake of having sex with him during it?

[Kt41]

@wcsdancer2010 @positivelybeautiful @ambitious85 Idk if i had to tag you for my above comment. also, it'll be a battle to move past the fear with having sex with my boyfriend because of the risk, is there any advice on having intercourse and just being in the moment without any hesitation? he really wants it to work he just doesn't know how to get out of his head.

[Kt41]

@ambitious85 thank you so much that makes me feel so much better. Im glad I have someone to relate to. Your words helped me a lot and gave me reassurance. @wcsdancer2010 i may go somewhere else but i just don't know if i want to put myself through that again. Maybe in a few weeks after I build up my courage and self-esteem more.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, while I understand why your Dr said to stay away from Forums (there are a LOT of bad ones out there) any of the TOP specialists in HSV will tell you that the IgM is notorously unreliable :(

 

Perhaps this article from the American Sexual Health Association will help her to understand why anyone who KNOWS their shit about Herpes would never diagnose via an IgM test with no symptoms :/

 

http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/stdsstis/herpes/herpes-testing/

 

As for the sore - it could just be a general rub ... especially if you are distracted/nervous. Just keep an eye on your body ... and make sure to not have sex if you have any open sores of any kind until you can re-test in 3-4 months.

 

And if your Dr needs to talk to a Specialist on Herpes give her this info from Westover Heights ... :)

 

Or call them yourself ... then pass the info on to your Dr ... :)

 

Dr. Lisa Taulbee at the Westover Heights Clinic,http://westoverheights.com/ (503) 226-6678 ... she can order the test for you through Quest Labs. It costs $5/minute for a consult … cheap IMO for clarity and/or peace of mind.

[fitgirl]

@Kt41

If you use a condom and are on supressive meds and have no prodome symptoms, your risk is really low. I can understand his reservation but his support is awesome. I have had long term relationships and not spread the virus, it is VERY possible. I do say this though..... every sexual encounter presents risk whether you have herpes or not. Don't let the virus consume your life. It is natural to want to avoid herpes but every time you have sex (or anyone has sex) you risk catching something!!! In your case, you are aware of the virus and will take precautions.... he could go sleep with 100 other women who don't know they have herpes (80% of the pop) and he could contract it from them. The odds are far better having sex with and aware partner than one who is unaware. There will come a day that herpes doesn't come into your mind every time you have sex.... Trust me. I have had it for 15+ years and I have had some awesome sexual relationships. Be safe, be honest, do your best. The rest is just the small risks we take in life. We can't control the things we can't control ;)

[PositivelyBeautiful]

I seriously think you should go see another doctor and get IGG test that is type specific. If you want to be absolutely sure, wait 4 months post exposure. That value is so low, and without any symptoms, this could be a misdiagnosis. Your doctor doesn't sound very helpful or compassionate either which is cause in itself to see someone else. But honestly, you deserve some answers and as dancer mentioned IGM is very unreliable. Your bf should also get tested, so you start the relationship knowing both your statuses upfront. If he is scared or has concerns, perhaps speak with a specialist and ask him to air out all the questions/concerns he might have. Westover heights offers phone consultations. It's $5/min but it might help him put his mind at ease to get all the answers up front from a specialist. Taking meds, using condoms and avoiding sexual contact during an outbreak will minimize the risk to 1%. But first, you need to get confirmation.

[WCSDancer2010]

You can also print out the Handbook from Westover Heights for your Dr and highlight this part from Pg 15

 

IgM test can pick up other herpes viruses like chicken pox or mono virus. IgM tests for herpes should be avoided completely until better ones become available. Many clinicians do not realise that IgM is not good for diagnosing people, and tell people, based on an IgM test, that they are positive for herpes.

 

Highlight that WHOLE paragraph and write the info to contact Westover Heights Clinic and give it to your Dr... time she got up to speed with the most recent HSV testing info :)

[Kt41]

@wcsdancer2010 @positivelybeautiful @fitgirl My boyfriend got tested and was positive for genital herpes as well. I could have very possibly given it to him since I've never been tested. He said that he didn't get tested after his last hook up and she was known for being less than safe with her relationship so he could've given it to me as well. He and I are better than ever because we can support each other but I am scared for if we don't work out and I am alone with having to deal with it myself. I realize how much I've grown dependent on him for how much he accepted and loved me through this life-altering stage in my life. Thank you for all your support and words. I will get tested in a 6 months to determine my diagnosis.

[Kt41]

also, what are the rules for oral sex? since we were both diagnosed we have been having sexual relations like before, when it comes to oral sex, I'm scared I'll get herpes on my mouth or lips? I wasn't able to find anything online about it.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey @Kt41, glad your bf finally got tested. Since you were both diagnosed via blood test, I am assuming you are both HSV2 positive only right? If that is the case, then oral sex is fine... it's extremely rare to pass HSV2 to the oral region. However, if either of you has HSV1 oral (aka cold sores) or genital, that's when you have to be careful... HSV1 can be contracted from oral to genital. Since you already have the antibodies for HSV2, it's harder to get but it's not impossible.

 

Concerning your bf, I am really glad you guys have worked through this together. However, try not to be so dependent on him... life gets hard, and although things are ok now, there might be a time when you will have deal with this alone. Try to take some time to really come to terms with this on your own, because ultimately you are the only person in this world who you can really rely on. And, this is likely not the case because you guys seems genuinely invested with one another, but don't ever stay with someone for the simple reason that they accept this... you are still the same beautiful person you were before, and you should be with someone who admires all of you, regardless of this diagnosis. Essentially, no matter what happens, don't lower your standards because you feel you might not be able to find anyone else... you will. Herpes will never stop you from experiencing great love, or anything else in life for that matter. Again, I am not saying this to suggest that you are settling right now, cause you guys seem to be on the same page/team... but just for future reference, in case. Be your own strong individual, no matter who is by your side.

[WCSDancer2010]

He and I are better than ever because we can support each other but I am scared for if we don't work out and I am alone with having to deal with it myself. I realize how much I've grown dependent on him for how much he accepted and loved me through this life-altering stage in my life.

 

1) Don't EVER stay in a relationship just because someone accepts your status ... whether they have Herpes themselves or not. If the relationship is over, if it's toxic, whatever.... don't EVER stay because of your fear of dealing on your own. ok?

 

2) This guy loved you BEFORE he knew his status. He's already proved to you that someone who *believes* they are H- can and WILL love you WITH the virus.... ALWAYS remember that - whether you stay together or not... ok?

 

As for oral sex - have at it friend!!!

 

You both have HSV2 - so now you both have antibodies to it... and given it doesn't like the oral region, AND you have antibodies, you should be fine... though I wouldn't risk it if you have an OB ... no use in pushing your luck ;)

 

Now, as for HSV1 (New news for you @positivelyBeautiful !) I just found some info from Nurse Terri Warren (a big player in the H world) that it seems that if you have HSV2, it actually will help to protect you from HSV1 ... (unfortunately, if you only have HSV1, it doesn't seem to reciprocate the favor and protect you from HSV2 :( ) ... so even if one of you have cold sores, according to this info (and we can only go on what the researchers are finding/reporting at the moment) then you *should* be fine because you have HSV2 ... but again... I'd avoid oral with any kind of cut/sore that might be an oral OB for the HSV1 carrier ;)

 

(((HUGS)))