Frustrated with talking about my frustration

[misskellyrenee]

I'm not a fan of talking about how much it sucks to disclose and have it fail. To be honest, I have much better luck disclosing for casual sex than I do for relationships.

Now, before someone posts the "Herpes as a relationship filter," video, I should say outright that I am not a fan of hopeful talk. It bothers me and actually ends up doing the opposite. I have heard the "someday," talk for as long as I can remember and each time I can remember getting pissed off and irritated. I end up feeling like they say it because they don't know what else to say. That is why I hate talking to people who don't have herpes about disclosures that did not succeed.

I live with two girls who are great and are my friends but I feel high resistance when talking to them. One of the girls is supportive but she tends to be the overly optimistic "someday!" type and it keeps me from wanting to open up. i don't want to hear "someday," and I don't want to hear "never," either. I want someone to just sit and face my reality for a moment. Sit and face the idea that on top of already having a horrible relationship pattern that I am trying to break, I also have this additional filter. I have tremendous issues with abandonment and have dated neglectful people so I have significant trust issues. Facing these disclosures that don't end in a relationship hit me really hard because it is a double whammy for me. My reality is that it is going to be that much harder to find someone who will love me for me.

All i want when I tell others about this is for them to not tell me what they think I want to hear, but to sit and feel with me. Feel the uneasiness and insecurity about your love life not just as someone with herpes, but as an emotionally scarred person. Feel my previous abandonment and how each new relationship refusal feels like a new one. Feel it.

Its not that I don't want to feel hopeful, its just that inspirational stuff makes me feel worse because i tend not to believe in it. It's not that I don't believe I am worthy, it just doesn't feel genuine. It feels like trying to believe in Santa long after you have found out he isn't real- you get the point but deep down you know it's a bit fake.

Its a tough spot because I know I should talk to other people, but they can't give me what I need because I don't even know what I need from them in the first place. I don't think others are even equipped to handle this kind of situation. I have friends who sometimes say (about other things,) "I'm not quite sure what to do." I just know that I can't talk about this with a lot of the people around me because that is the mentality.

[WCSDancer2010]

So have you tried to tell them that you just need them to listen and let you talk and not try to "fix" things for you? Sometimes people need to be told that because none of us want to see our friend hurting and sad so we come up with all the stuff we *think* may help.

 

(((HUGS))) friend ...

 

 

[misskellyrenee]

I haven't yet. I still get nervous about it. It can be difficult to share things even with those I care about. I usually just don't say anything. I share stuff that I've been through, but again, getting sympathy can be really strange and I don't know what to do. Getting sympathy is preferable to having someone try and fix my situation, but its part of what makes talking uncomfortable.

[WCSDancer2010]

Try it sometime.... just say something like "I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't need them to fix it for me. Could you just listen and hold a space for me for a few minutes? I really just need to be HEARD right now".

 

And as for sympathy, well, remember it's because they care about you and love you and hate to see you suffer and they KNOW it's not "fair" that you got H ... so try to accept it as an act of love and compassion.... ALLOW yourself to be loved like that... ans see what happens ;)

 

I actually started to consciously "accept" compliments from people awhile back. Instead of blowing it off and saying something like "Nah - you don't really know me" or whatever, I just say "Thank you for that. I appreciate it". We both win... because the person giving the compliment is trying to give you a gift, and when you "turn it down" it's like a rejection. When you accept it (even if you don't believe that you deserve it), a small bit of that will stick with you AND they get to feel good about helping you to see something about yourself that THEY see. So you sorta give them a gift back... ;)

 

[misskellyrenee]

I tried to do that with my roomie/ friend. I messaged here essentially what I wrote up there. How I just want someone to feel that with me for a bit and know where I am coming from, to just acknowledge that it sucks. Her answer was "We've all been through unfortunate stuff and the world would be a miserable place if we all carried around each other's pain."

I tried to explain it further about how I didn't want advice or anything and she finally agreed. But yeah, its the fear of "I don't know what to say," and other similar things.

I do try and accept it but it makes it so uncomfortable. When people say "I'm really worried" or "I'm concerned," I don't know what to tell them. I don't know because now I have to comfort them or I don't know what they are looking for or what they expect.

I COULD go to therapy again but I've been through therapy off and on for 10 years for depression and anxiety and honestly, I don't know how much more therapy I can take.

As far as compliments go, I've gotten really good at saying thank you and all that, I just never believe it. Its not that I don't believe there are good things about me, its just that deep down, I don't see them as special. I've thought things were special about me, but it never keeps people from abandoning me. I've just never given myself any credit and when I do, I quickly forget it.

 

[Danaaaaaasaur]

@misskellyrenee I used to think in exactly the same way as you described above when I was struggling with depression....until I got Herpes! Which is so crazy to think!! :)

 

I actually had one of those ahhh! Moments last night when I was at the movies with the guy I've been seeing and he had a cheeky grab of my boob and exclaimed how perky they were! In the past I would have brushed that off and said something about having small boobs and how I hate them and then I would have just ended up feeling embarassed about having a small chest because 'everyone has bigger boobs then me' haha But this time I just giggled and took his compliment on board :)

 

I hope you got to have a good chat with your roomie and how you were feeling etc If not there's plenty of us on here who would be happy to listen :) x

 

[StillMeButWiser]

Don't be embarrassed by having a smaller chest than others. Instead cup the girls as defending them and say well they are a handful and laugh. The other person will laugh as well. Or the other option is again cup the girls as defending them saying yea not much there in a joking but serious way. You will be surprised how quickly the other person will disagree with you.

 

Believe it or not there are lots of benefits to a smaller chest. No sag, can go braless, can be body painted, easier to find tops, they don't hide under arm pits when lying down, etc. lol. Embrace them. Most Guys like butts. An old lady told me once, guys like lot of cushion for the pushin. Lol. I was shocked. Stranger telling me this. Funny thou.

[WCSDancer2010]

" lot of cushion for the pushin"

 

Love that ... and Yay for feisty old ladies!!!

[ihaveittoo]

LOL cushion for the pushin... there is a song about that...Ladies and Gentlemen...Spinal Tap....

 

[2Legit2Quit]

@misskellyrenee , I feel the exact same way you do, about the uplifting talk stuff. I'm the type that likes reality, cold hard facts... I don't need carebears and daisies.

 

I too have had the same fear you do. I have severe abandonment issues ans I've told a friend: it is going to take someone w the patience of Jesus to deal w my emotional baggage, because my abandonment and trust issues are so severe and this has now mad it even harder. It makes it harder to see all the good in me, by adding this doozy. I feel men tend to look at emotional baggage as a life long sentence w someone and then I gotta add a physical one to the picture as well?

 

I had a "best friend" or so I thought since my childhood. Every time I tried to speak of my herpes to her, she'd look down, look away and not say anything. Like she made me feel ashamed about it. In fact, I feel she avoided trying to talk to me after I was diagnosed. It made me reakie that I associated the years when we were growing up to describe our current friendship a d what our current friendship was, was not what real friends are like, so I canned a 20yr friendship over the herpes talk and she didn't even blink an eye... Didn't even seem to care. I was appalled by her behavior, especially after paying thousands for her to go on a trip w me a year ago.

 

So I can complete relate to you. At the same time, I have noticed that when I was trying to date w herpes, those emotional baggage issues were coning out earlier and more intensely, than w out. This made me realize I needed to step away from dating and get comfortable w me... The good, the bad and the ugly. I had to learn to stop giving a fuck about what anyone else thinks of me.

 

It definitely does make it harder, but I do believe that the ones who bolt, were just looking for sez, because of reasons you've said and things my friends w heroes tells me. The men say it's a deal breaker for a relationship, but they were OK w sleeping together... Usually just once of course... I think they figure their chances of a one time encounter are so low, compared to multiple encounters.

 

May I ask how long you are waiting to disclose to these men?

[WCSDancer2010]

OMG @Ihaveittoo ... that's a riot!!!!

[misskellyrenee]

@2legit2quit I usually will disclose either when things start to get hot and heavy, or when I think things are heading in the relationship direction.

I usually disclose on my dating sites but there were sites where it wasn't conducive to that. Both instances were within a week or two. I've only had 2 instances where I had a sit down disclosure, other times were on sites where the guys knew ahead of time, and the others were casual sex things.

I know where people are coming from when they say to hold off and let them get to know you first, but I also tend to do it for my protection because I don't want to get attached to them or emotionally invested only for them to bolt. I try to keep my emotions taken care of with it because at the end of the day, I am all I've got.

[2Legit2Quit]

I hear ya, but I view it like this. Do you put your baggage all out there upfront, such as your emotional baggage? Do you tell them that you're neurotic or weirs ticks you have straight away? Nope.... So why share something private w someone who hasn't earned your trust and has shown you, that they're going to stick around w or w out herpes? That's how I view it ... Maybe change things up and sew if another way works better for you..

[misskellyrenee]

@2letit2quit

It's not that I don't see the validity in waiting. I get why people wait awhile before disclosing.

I guess I've never been in a situation that supported waiting a long time. One of the situations the guy was trying to sleep with me and I knew I HAD to say something about it. He said he would think about it and then never contacted me again. That sucked but he was never going to be worth being vulnerable for it seems

Same with this other guy. We were having the "when was your last relationship," type of talks, had been talking for a couple weeks. i could have waited a bit longer with him but his reaction was more about the "lack of control." Something he was never going to be okay with.

I just tend to wait until sex is imminent and is going to happen in the near future. Sex isn't something I see as being very intimate or as a marker of trust or love. I know it CAN be but I've never seen the point of waiting when you both are into each other.

I usually openly disclose on my dating sites to avoid the conversation. I met the two guys mentioned above on dating sites where I didn't disclose yet.

I could see waiting with someone I meet offline for a bit longer but again, I haven't had that experience. I just don't get a chance to go out or meet people since I've been a student for forever in a female dominated major.