Bad timing and nervous.

[FirstTimeFrustrated]

Hey everyone, first off I wanted to thank everyone for their posts and especially the replies that I've read. This definitely seems like an informative and helpful group. Especially for someone who until recently had no knowledge of this. On to my story/get it off my chest rant.

 

I recently went through a rough divorce with inifedility/s on the other side. After a long period of trying to work it out I called it quits. While waiting for the divorce to finalize I rekindled a friendship (past love/childhood friend) and once the divorce was final she flew to visit and we started a long distance relationship. Needless to say I felt like the bully at school stole my milk money and on my way home I found a $100 bill. This woman is the real deal and is someone I've wanted a relationship with for a long time.

 

After she flew home from her visit, roughly 5 days later I noticed a bump down there. I had just had an STD test to include HIV a couple weeks earlier and everything was negative so I wasn't worried, but still called the doctor to check it out.

 

When I finally got to see the doctor 5 days later the "bump" in question had already started to heal and that's when the doctor dropped the bomb on me that it looks like H. Me being the ignorant fool I am stated that I just got tested and everything was negative. That's when I found out they don't test for H. He did the swab and the test came back negative, but after reading all the unreliable tests here I went and got the blood work drawn today to be sure.

 

I'm freaking out, not about myself (yet) and the troubles I might have in the future if I'm positive, but how am I supposed to tell this woman that I just started dating and just slept with about my condition? It's going to look like I lied about it and possibly end the relationship. I should find out my results Friday the week before her finals in school. If I'm positive do I wait until after, or tell her in person when she visits in September? I know I'm freaking out about this before I've gotten word but if I put her at risk and changed her life without her knowing I don't know how I'd forgive myself. I do love her, although it hasn't been long enough for me to express that to her and I'm now possibly starting our relationship out with a bombshell during a stressful time for her, long distance. She is someone that I see/saw a long term relationship with and now I feel like I'm going to look like another evil player that passes this type of thing off with no worries.

 

Thanks for reading. I'd appreciate any advice or if anyone had anything similar happen it would be great to hear their outcome.

[2Legit2Quit]

@FirstTimeFrustrated what makes you think she didn't give it to you, if you haven't had symptoms prior to her? Had you recently slept w someone else? Also, I wouldn't jumo the gun yet that it is herpes, as doctors aren't supposed to visually diagnose herpes. Yes, it is true that a swab can come back w a false negative, because the sore wasn't swabbed w in the 48hr window of appearing. Also, if it is a new infection, it will take 4 mo ths to show in the blood. If it's been 4 months or longer, it should show up in your blood test. Do you have other symptoms other than the bump? What other reason do you have to assume it was herpes?

[FirstTimeFrustrated]

@2legit2quit I have no proof that she didn't give it to me (if it is H) but she is the type of person like me that wouldn't lie about that sort of thing. Also she just got out of a 4 year relationship like mine, except my wife had multiple partners during my marriage. That was another reason why I decided to get the blood work done. The only relations I've had besides this girl was my now ex-wife, which ended 4 months ago. If the test comes back positive then I know I got it from her or the possibility that I've had it for awhile and been asymptomatic. I had no other symptoms until I started reading about what the symptoms are, so I could possibly be manifest in them in my head and making them true.

[2Legit2Quit]

@FirstTimeFrustrated 80% of people w herpes don't know they have it, because they are asymptomatic. Also, you can get it from oral sexsex, so I wasn't implying she was lying, she just may not know.

[FirstTimeFrustrated]

@2Legit2Quit I understand where you are coming from, but the same goes on my end. If indeed it is true and I've had it since my past marriage (or possibly sooner) I just hope I'm not looked at like a liar or manipulator. That I just didn't tell her because I was too selfish.

[Anna01]

@FirstTimeFrustrated

First, don't worry yourself so much until you find out your results. IF it comes back + I would tell her the truth. I would tell her exactly what happened. Any normal human being would not point a finger at you. You didn't know about it and the honesty will shine through when you speak to her. You both made a decision to take things to the physical level. It is a risk we all take. So do not beat yourself up about it. It is what it is. You didn't behave maliciously in any way. If I were you, I would kick back, relax, enjoy talking to her and handle it when the results come in ok. At this point you only had a bump down there. That is not enough evidence to prove it is H. I am in a long distance relationship and I disclosed over the phone and he took it extremely well. Nothing has changed between us. Except it has brought us closer. He knows he can trust me and respects me more for it. Honesty is the best policiy. Always. That is with anything in life, not just H. You might get a bad reaction but atleast it is a real one right?! I would rather have the real deal but hey maybe that is just me :) Good luck with your results and please keep us posted.

[WCSDancer2010]

@FirstTimeFrustrated

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

I be perfectly straight with you. I'd put money on it that you got it from your new lady friend .... simply because of the timing. Sometimes sex causes an outbreak, but that generally happens within about 24 yrs of having sex. New infections usually show up after several days to a week or so from having come in contact with the virus.

 

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes-detailed.htm

How is genital herpes diagnosed?

 

CDC does not recommend screening for HSV-1 or HSV-2 in the general population.

 

You can show her the protocol from the CDC website that shows that they actually suggest that HSV not be tested for without symptoms so she can know that you honestly didn't know that you were not tested for H.... and you could always go back and get a hard copy of the test to show her.

 

But I'm willing to guess that she either gave you HSV1 from oral sex (50% of all new Herpes cases are from HSV1 from oral herpes, most of the givers have no idea they have it or if they know, they don't know that they can pass it on via oral sex) ... or possibly HSV2 ... again, likely unwittingly...because 80% of carriers of both kinds don't know they have it....

 

And you can always send her here ... we can help her to understand (whether you have it from the past or she gave it to you) what is going on and that neither of you are to blame... and if she's the kind of woman you say she is, she will at least get herself informed before she makes any kind of judgement on the situation..... Herpes is a Wingman like that.. you really get to see who someone is when you disclose... so try to see this as a way for you to actually become CLOSER ... adversity is when we really can solidify a bond, or break it ... ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[FirstTimeFrustrated]

@WCSDancer2010 Thanks for the good advice WCS. I just got the phone call that my test results are ready, so I guess we will find out later tonight.

[FirstTimeFrustrated]

Test results in. IgG test with HSV 9.25.

[FirstTimeFrustrated]

Looks like I have to explain this and hope she believes my honesty. With such a huh number does that mean I've had it for awhile, thus giving my body time for development of antibodies?

[WCSDancer2010]

So was it HSV1 or HSV2??? That will be helpful to know because if you have HSV1, and she's ever had cold sores, that will mean she has *some* resistance to it ... and also, she should get tested anyway in case *she* (like you) has been carrying it asymptomatically for some time..

 

And yes, an IgG of 9.25 means you've had it for some time ... it takes at least 4 months for most people to get to detectable levels (ie, over 1.1) after exposure

[FirstTimeFrustrated]

@WCSDancer2010. Positive for HSV2 only. Now I just have to figure out how to tell her and hope she takes it well. She's in the medical field so she will either be accepting/sympathetic or completely grossed out. Nothing like coming out of a bad situation, finding a good one only to turn it into another bad one.

[Anna01]

@FirstTimeFrustrated I'm sorry it came back +. I know how that feels but Don't feel discouraged. You never know how someone will react. Just be honest with her and if she is really into you...the least she will do is talk to you about it. If it makes you feel any better, I recently told a guy I am seeing and he took it extremely well. We are still seeing eachother and my honesty brought us closer. So don't psyche yourself out. No matter the outcome, you can handle it :)

[WCSDancer2010]

Just because she's in the "Medical Field" doesn't mean she will know jack shit about this, or that what she "knows" will be correct... so have the handouts ready, and tell her about this site if she needs more info. Tell her to be careful about where she looks for info because there is a LOT of bad info on Google... the CDC, Mayo Clinic, Westover Heights, and a few others are the only ones I trust for most medical info any more ...

 

This is a good place to start and you can print out the handouts:

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

 

Herpes facts video

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

I do want to give another possible reaction (instead of 'grossed out') which is a bit startled and afraid. If she reacts negatively, just remember that it *can* also come from a knee jerk reaction and her being worried for her health. So try to remember that what you're going to tell her may have her worried and approach it from that angle.

 

And in terms of her not believing you, it's COMPLETELY understandable that you didn't know to test for this. It peeves me to no end that when you say "test me for everything, doc" they won't say "of course. Now, we don't test for herpes in the full panel, but here's why..."

 

Give her the facts, about how you truly believed you were being responsible and respectful of your health and hers by having a "full panel." But then you noticed symptoms, and instead of writing it off, again did the responsible thing and went to your doctor. It was only then that you found out that you weren't given a "full" panel despite your specification, and the doctor did an additional test since you showed symptoms. You can also let her know that you're aware of your body, and have never shown 'traditional' symptoms, and if you had, would have never put her at risk knowingly.

 

Just so you know, this is exactly how I contracted this - it was a friend that didn't know he had it, we had a discussion how we were both "clean and tested" and he'd never shown anything relating to the symptoms you read about on the web.

 

This stuff happens. Just because you have this doesn't mean that she does, and by you calling her and telling her that she needs to watch for symptoms is a big, scary and honest step. It shows that you're strong enough to do the right thing. That you're putting her health above your pride, and you'd rather her be safe than for you to stay quiet and hope that you can keep it a secret.

 

You haven't done anything wrong, so please remember that. Stay calm, be informative, and you can be sorry but remember that you're kind of a victim here, too. The CDC places the mental health of the many (the 80% that don't show symptoms) at the physical health of the few (the 20% that do). You did what you could to be safe, in terms of what you were aware of.

 

I've told ~25 people my story, and only 2 of them knew that you had to be tested separately for this. It's insane. You were not alone in your ignorance - I think we all were ignorant before, and now we're RIDICULOUSLY EDUCATED now.

 

Best of luck!!

[FirstTimeFrustrated]

Thanks everyone. I just keep reading everyone's disclosure techniques trying to wrap my head around it all. I am going to disclose this weekend by phone. If she does freak, which I wouldn't blame her I want her to be able to cancel her visit in September. Just sucks. This may sound stupid but after all the research I've done and testimonials I've read I'm not as freaked out as I think I should be.

 

My father had bad psoriatic arthritis and I would take H over that any day. Hopefully the feelings I have for her are mutual and this works. I just hate having to drop a stressful talk on a woman who's already stressed by finals and work.

[WCSDancer2010]

This may sound stupid but after all the research I've done and testimonials I've read I'm not as freaked out as I think I should be.

 

Well, education IS the key to life ... most people's fears come from ignorance and misunderstanding, so it follows that with all your more recent reading, you would find some peace and calm around all this...seeing other people's experiences and such helps to put some reality into the situation :)

 

And yes about the psoriatic arthritis ... I know people with it and I agree .. I'll take H any day!

[FirstTimeFrustrated]

I disclosed. Never felt so low in my life.

[OutOfWit]

Hope it went well for you!

[WCSDancer2010]

@FirstTimeFrustrated

 

Why did you feel so low?

 

First disclosures can be tough. Especially if they don't react well... but remember, how they react is a direct reflection on THEM... either they are just assholes, or they are just ignorant and don't know better. There's a saying "When you know better, you do better" ... most folks are terribly misinformed about Herpes (and STI's in general) so they react in direct relationship to their ignorance ... and that is no reflection on you or your H+ status.

 

Send her this link ... it's the best infographic I've seen yet as far as reality checks go:

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

[whitedaisies]

I had a really horrific first time disclosure. It really couldn't have gone any worse. Seriously, I will spare you the details.

 

But I did lots of personal work through therapy and focusing on my physical health wtc and had lots of support from a few close friends.

 

I have had 2 positive disclosures in the last 6 months.

 

If your disclosure went poorly, the next ones can go very well. Work on yourself and eventually imo I got better at picking who to disclose to.

 

Good luck!!

 

Xo