Who can/should I tell? Feeling very isolated

[Bluessinger]

I've been so depressed these last few days and I'm dying to reach out to my friends, but I don't know. Anyone with experience on who I should tell/not tell? So far, my husband is the only one that knows, and I really feel alone and terrified still even though he's very much here for me in every way.

 

Thinking about telling a very close friend who lives far enough away and is a third year medical student at UCSF. I figure she'll be more understanding and less judgmental since she'll know exactly how common it is.

 

Thoughts?

[2Legit2Quit]

I think that's a safe person to tell.

[Bambina3]

I actually have only told my best friend so far

 

I just started on my H journey

 

Good luck...hugs!

[WCSDancer2010]

Who you tell depends on a couple things:

 

1) Most important: how good you are at realizing that anyone who has a negative response/reaction is NOT a reflection on YOU... it just shows you who that person REALLY is.

 

2) Given that, if you have friends who you know are not judgmental, tell them first. You'd be surprised at how many people barely blink when you tell them. Again, if they do, perhaps you have not been honest with yourself about their true nature when it comes to being a loving and supportive influence in your life :)

 

Check these links out.... they may help you to figure out who you would tell first :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

[Anna01]

I would say if you feel like you can trust them with personal business tell them but don't feel like you have to tell anyone because this is your personal business. If you want to, then do it but don't feel like you have to. I have told my family, a couple of friends and my guy. I can see myself becoming public about it at some point but not sure just yet. I am a newbie and I need to get settled into my diagnosis first. HaHa All the people I told were extremely accepting and encouraging. Luckily, I have pretty much weeded out all the bad apples in my life a long time ago. So the people closest to me are the ones I told. Like Dancer said people will surprise you. Most wouldn't have anything negative to say to you. A true friend will only console you and want to hear your story. Anyone who judges you or makes you feel bad about it are not people you need in your life anyway. I think the main thing you need to do though, is stand on your own two feet. Go into it to share verse to seek acceptance so you can in turn accept it as well. As long as you accept it for what it is and become comfortable with it, no ones reaction can shake you. Good luck ;-)

[Elise1977]

I told my best friend as soon as I had a day to digest the information. She was super supportive about it. She confided that she has other friends with it, and that she even dated a HSV2+ guy for awhile and saw no problem with it. I think it's more common to know people with it than it is to not. I'm actually shocked I've got no one in my life who has told me (well, except for cold sores, because, you know those aren't embarrassing or stigmatized, apparently).

 

Give your friends the chance to be there for you. Wouldn't you be there for them?

[Bluessinger]

Thanks all. I've told my best friends and family. Truthfully, I'm the only one who's freaking out. Everyone else seems to be fine and super supportive.

[jl13]

I think deciding if and who you should tell someone can be nerve wrecking! I was so scared to tell some of my friends bc I didn't know what they would think of me. Most of them were just like ok. It's not a big deal. And all of them were like I'm so sorry you are going through this. There was one that was like omg doesn't it suck you can't have sex again? Haha so I had to educate her a little, but to me that was a good thing! Now she knows more about something that she didn't before. She still didn't judge me and think and differently about me. None of their opinions of me changed at all. And it shouldn't bc I'm not any different. But it was still scary to tell them! I think it's helped with coping since I wasn't keeping this secret alone. My mom and sister know too. My sister actually had a friend that had just found out and put me in contact with her. It was nice to know I wasn't alone.

 

I'm glad your friends and family have been so supportive! That's great! Tell who you're comfortable with and don't tell who you aren't comfortable with! :)

[WCSDancer2010]

There was one that was like omg doesn't it suck you can't have sex again? Haha so I had to educate her a little, but to me that was a good thing! Now she knows more about something that she didn't before. She still didn't judge me and think and differently about me. None of their opinions of me changed at all. And it shouldn't bc I'm not any different.

 

So.Much.THIS!

 

Disclosing to friends and family not only helps you to realize just how much they love you, it shows you how much you can let FEAR run your life..... or you can let it drive you forward to face the demons of shame and not being "good enough"....

 

I'm spreading this all over the Forum today because I really hope people will GET this...:

 

"Herpes really is a nuisance skin condition in a really inconvenient place ... with a really shitty stigma attached to it thanks to our Puritanical forefathers whose legacy has been to make us ashamed of enjoying sex. So whenever something *bad* happens in relationship to sex, we believe it's a punishment for DARING to enjoy it. Your first, and most difficult challenge will be to not buy into the stigma ... "

 

I love that you managed to take the opportunity to educate one more person with your disclosure... because if everyone did THAT, the stigma would vanish in a few short years ....

 

 

(((HUGS)))