First Time Being Rejected...So Hurtful

[grapeofwrath]

I'm a 44-year-old, divorced female. My husband gave me herpes and it devastated me. I know I stayed in my marriage a lot longer than I should have because I was so ashamed and felt no one would want to be intimate with me. I've been divorced for nearly 6 years now, and have had a few partners within that time with whom I have disclosed everything up front and they have been accepting, and I have been extremely careful not to transmit. They are all fine to date.

 

I know I am not the first to go through this, but recently I met a wonderful man with whom I really hit it off. I felt we had a wonderful connection and had very high hopes for a relationship. However, I disclosed I had herpes because it was looking as if it were going in that direction, and he shut me out. He initially said it was all new to him and wasn't a deal breaker, and that he needed more information. I encouraged him to do all the research he needed and and tried my best to make him feel comfortable and more at ease. Two days later he told me he didn't need any more complications in his life and that he just wanted to be friends. This is the first time I've been rejected and it hurts tremendously. There was nothing I could do or say to change his mind, even though he readily admitted he didn't know a lot about it. I'm so frustrated, confused, and downright despondent at times. I knew it had to happen at some point, but didn't realize it would hurt this much. Having the talk always leaves me raw and vulnerable, and now being rejected on top of all that is just too much. My hope is that he does care enough to eventually do the research and hopefully look past it and see me as a caring, loving person with a lot to offer, but it's not looking good. Please, any support will help.

 

Thanks.

[2Legit2Quit]

Aaawwww... Hugs! I am so sorry! I can only imagine how much it hurts and I'm so sorry. I know it's easier said than done, as I myself am still learning to not take things personally, but realize it isn't about you, it's about the virus. The virus doesn't have you, you just have the virus and it doesn't define you. He's not rejecting you, he's rejecting the stigma of the virus. You want someone who will want you, despite H, because then you know how invested they truly are. @wcsdancer2010 is better at advice on this type of stuff than I am.

 

H is a bagagw that can be managed and dealt w and is no different and less worse, than a lot of the bggae most caddy, especially by the time you hit your 40s. The fact that he can't see past skin deep (pun intended), is about him and not you. Keep your head up doll!

[grapeofwrath]

Thank you so much! :)

[2Legit2Quit]

And also bravo to you for disclosing! It is very telling of your character, despite the fear of rejection! That makes you a big and honorable person.

[grapeofwrath]

Once again, thank you. I always have because I feel it's the right thing to do.

[2Legit2Quit]

It absolutely is... Hopefully someone new on here, can gain that knowledge from your post and do the right thing. When did you last hear from him?

[TryingtoReach_Peace]

I'm a super newbie, just diagnosed Saturday night. I'm realizing that with this condition can really show the kind of person you are. Between outbreaks we can pretend to be fine, and pretend to act shocked with the news. We can do all of that. OR we can be ready to disclose and take all that comes along with it. You are courageous, honest, and and a thoughtful person. If he doesn't want to risk contracting H, well that's his choice. You, however, have proven that you are a beautiful person. I know it's cliche, but with those qualities someone else will come along to appreciate and love you.

[2Legit2Quit]

@TryingtoReach_PeacePeace very wise words! Good for you! I am so glad you're in this head space, being a newbie. There are people I've seen have this for 2-5yrs and haven't got to where you are. Very insightful. <3

[WCSDancer2010]

Two days later he told me he didn't need any more complications in his life and that he just wanted to be friends. This is the first time I've been rejected and it hurts tremendously. There was nothing I could do or say to change his mind, even though he readily admitted he didn't know a lot about it.

.

 

@grapeofwrath

 

Hello and Welcome Friend!

 

So - this little section is the key to seeing what is going on here...because honey, I can tell you one thing for sure:

 

He Wasn't That Into YOU ... He Was Really Just Interested In GETTING INTO You

 

If he only spent 2 days "researching" and then says he doesn't need more "complications", he really was not in the same headspace as you regarding what the relationship was or where it was going.

 

So: Several things -

 

I tell people ALL.THE.TIME. Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman for relationships .... because that disclosure conversation will show you if the person is interested in you enough to get PROPERLY educated.... and then the way the approach their CHOICE (because they are more than within their rights to choose to not take the risk) tells you if they are a nice person who may not be able to deal with life challenges (ie, if they can't deal with a little skin rash in an inconvenient place how will they deal with something big like Cancer?), OR they may just plain not be enough into you to move forward in which case, better to know now than later, right? The disclosure in that case just makes them be REALLY honest with themselves. And I hate to tell you this but, men will often get sexually involved with us and THEN realize they are not that into YOU .... This man said he didn't need more "complications" .... that word right there tells me that he's really had to admit to himself that he's not THAT into YOU....

 

AND...that's nothing at ALL personal about YOU! It's just plain where he is at .... Perhaps the "wrong head" was leading him forward with the relationship... and when the "Big Head" was forced to be honest, he realized he's just not "there" when it comes to a relationship with you....

 

OR... he may be a self absorbed ass who is more worried about compromising his "perfect" junk.... (ie, keeping his junk "perfect" is more important than the relationship)

 

No matter what the reason, his reaction and CHOICE to walk away has NOTHING to do with you and has likely done you a favor in the long run.... because a man who TRULY sees value in you wouldn't walk that fast and to be honest, if he REALLY believes you are his Queen, NOTHING will stop him from being with you!

 

Now, here's some honest to goodness truth;

 

REJECTION SUCKS!

 

But there's some great info out there that shows us that our REACTION to rejection (that physical pain we feel) is a physiological process that used to be useful to help us to stay alive. To be "rejected" from the tribe was certain death from a Saber Toothed Tiger. It helped to make us conform and do what we had to in order to be accepted...including staying in abusive or unloving situations and BEGGING to not be turned away ...

 

AND ... when we can understand this, we can accept that we just have to ride out the physical and emotional stuff that comes up when we are rejected because this too shall pass!

 

These links should help you to understand all of what I'm saying a bit more ... but friend, be THANKFUL. You KNOW from past experience that men WILL accept you with your little H-buddy. This man just plain (for whatever reason, it really doesn't matter what it is) just isn't the right one for you. So allow yourself to go through the grieving process and be thankful that you know NOW that he's not the man you hoped he was/wanted him to be for you, so you will be open for the RIGHT man to come along all that much sooner...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

[grapeofwrath]

It absolutely is... Hopefully someone new on here, can gain that knowledge from your post and do the right thing. When did you last hear from him?

 

@2Legit2Quit: we've only been texting a little as "friends", but I'm thinking he just wanted to remain friends to alleviate some guilt...

 

@everyone: I can't thank you enough for your kind support! You're amazing, and have made me feel so much better. It's been a shameful, lonely road and I'm thankful to now be a part of this wonderful community.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

I really can't add anything more than what has already been said, but I wanted to show my support.

 

First of all, bravo for you for being honest and brave.

 

Second of all: I don't like to put anyone down for choosing to not take a risk, that's kind of harsh I know, but he is absolutely buying into the stigma. And, it looks like you have some experience in this arena - you've had SEVERAL men go into relationships with you after disclosing, and they were able to see past this. That says something about this *particular* man - and says nothing about you. It shows that you are an honest, earnest, good person, and that he was just not ready for a commitment. Because sometimes H "forces" a commitment decision, right? It can be a gut check for our partners - am I ready to commit? And in his case, the answer was "no." And that answer was probably going to be "no" regardless of H or not...so you might have just saved yourself some heartache!

 

I'm very sorry that you had to go through this, but it's so important to remember all those that have been able to look past this - and to use this as evidence that he wasn't "the one" - but that the one is still out there :)

 

Hugs.

[grapeofwrath]

Thank you! Once again I agree. The difficult part was at first he seemed engaged and put in a lot of time getting to know me, and he did seem more genuine than a lot of others I have dated in the past. Because of that I had higher hopes for this one so the rejection hit much harder than expected.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well said @nothinggoodgetsaway !

@grapeofwrath , I think you'll fine someone soon, that will be much better suited for you, than this guys seemed. <3

[onefinelady]

@grapeofwrath I understand where you are coming from. For the first time in a very long time I was also rejected due to my disclosure. I have had this for over 8 years and never had been rejected until this week, It hurts really bad and Im still not sure what I did wrong. I really though being honest was a good quality. Hang in there and I know there is someone out there for us, disclosures and all!

[2Legit2Quit]

@onefinelady , you have done nothing wrong and did everything right. Clearly, you yourself like the others in this thread are good people and take responsibility for informing a potential partner of your risk, unlike one "gentleman" on this thread,who wants to be absolved of all responsibility to disclose up front. Be proud of having integrity honey! It speaks volumes of the person you are! He didn't reject you, he rejected the virus. This isn't about you. Example, I don't want children ever, so I don't want to date anyone w small children. I'm rejecting not the amazing person the dad is, I'm rejecting something that I don't want to deal w, because I don't feel I'm cut out for that situation. I know I sound harsh, but I couldn't find a better analogy in the dating situation. I ha e rejected being w a man who deploys overseas 8 months out of the year not because I don't think k he's a great catch, but because it's not something I want to deal w. People have their deal breakers on people's lifestyles and it doesn't negate from the fact that you're a great catch, it's just what doesn't work for them. At the same time, it is often that the man wasn't ready for a serious commitment and this responsibility made it come clear as day. I know easier said than done, but try not to take it personal, ok?

[onefinelady]

Thanks so much for the kind works @2legit2quit! I know Im a great mom, with tons to offer but the initial rejection stings and would sting if I were dumped because I had brown hair. Certainly easier said than done, but certainly easier knowing Im not alone. So happy I found this community!

[2Legit2Quit]

Honey, none of those things, including the color of your hair are a reflection of the lovely person that you are, so screw anybody for dumping you over anything, including herpes! He clearly doesn't see your worth, so he may have only been seeing your zipper and what's behind it. @wcsdancer2010 will tell you, that often those men were just looking for one thing only.

[2Legit2Quit]

And I'm happy you found us too, because one day, you're going to be in the success story part of this website and be blisswin love! <3

[Bambina3]

Rejection sucks but....he obviously just wanted sex...he should of felt honored that you trusted him with this information and it showed your true wonderful character as a person to disclose...you deserve better, and will find better!!

Hugs!!

[grapeofwrath]

Thank you so much, Bambina3! I'm overwhelmed by the support here!