6 OBs since April *rant*

[cloacina]

I'm on OB number 6, and this one is the worst since my first, which was 20 times worse than this one. But it seems to be spreading over a wider region. I have sores everywhere right now, and it sucks. I don't think about herpes unless I'm having an OB, and I always have one when I'm stressed. I'm massively stressed right now with my psycho ex, custody and legal battles, the faulty "justice" system here, student loans, and work. I try not to think about it, but I feel like no one will want me. Single mom of two kids (two dads-one of which is a psycho meth addict) and a couple of STDs (I should try putting that on a dating profile...lol)... I feel like all of the good I've done won't matter. I have my own house (though it's not much to look at), my own car (that my ex wrecked and I don't have the money to fix), a great job that I'm reasonably successful with, a bachelor's degree, and I do it on my own. No child support or government aid (mainly because I've been denied because my gross income exceeds poverty level...no one takes into account the measly disposable income I get after paying my bills)-and I'm not judging those that do get help. I wish I could get a break. I have no family near, and pretty much don't have time for life outside of work and home. I don't want too date, but a male companion would be nice at times. I've posted previously about not being the prettiest of ladies. And I guess herpes is the final nail in the coffin of any hope I had of dating ever again. I do however think having a psycho ex is worse than having herpes.

 

Rant over, just needed to vent.

[2Legit2Quit]

If I could have made a choice on getting herpes and never being involved w my ex or being immune to herpes and being w him for the time ibwas, I'd choose herpes as well. I feel ya on the obs... I have been having them like EVERY day practically, since July. I had 8 in just two months.

 

I think right now you're projecting all your fears into a future that hasn't even happened yet. Wnna know why dogs and kids are seen as carefree and happy? Because they literally live in the moment . why do you think so many don't want a good day to end? All's you can control right now, is this present moment in your life. You have a lot bigger issues going on than just H right now, so stop even worrying about that or aan. The last thing you need, is to be tangled up w a man again at this point.

 

This is just your ingrained inner voice, always finding a way to belittle you and show why you're not worthy.. When you start on this cycle, you just have to say nope, nope, nope... Not goj g to go there and it's usually enough to stop the ruminating.

 

I don't know what you're talking about not being pretty, you sure look gorgeous to me in that pic.

 

Us attractiveness is all relative, just like the scale of pain for different people.. There's guys I wouldn't even kiss and girls think the guys hot... Everybodya tatse is different and really, the personality goes a long way.

 

So now stop putting the cart be for the horse and focus on loving yourself. How in gods name are you gonna worry about someone else living you and you lovoethem, if you can't even fall in love w yourself first? If you don't, that already makes the relationship start off on an unequal scale and overtime, it will not go in your benefit.

[Sil88]

Hey cloacina, I don't remember who said you weren't pretty but they're full of shit. You've got a Fergie look going on (that's a damn good thing), and the intelligence that comes across in your writing adds to it. Are you an author, movie writer or similar? Because what sounded like a depressing dating profile to you seemed like an interesting character and setting from a story to me.

 

I can't see any harm in having a friend, if that's all it is.. but I can see where 2Legit is coming from too, if he's the type to take advantage of someone when they're down. You don't seem to have the best track record with picking guys so far. But I think there's a saying, that you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. In your case I'd say it's definitely worth boosting up your self-esteem before looking for anything beyond a companion. Easier said than done, right.. but from an outsider's point of view (reading this isolated rant, at least) it seems like you're an easy target, a diamond thinking it's only coal. (Or something like that, I'll leave the creative similes to you!) If it was nothing more than venting, then cool - hope you're back in the zone now.

 

I had an OB every months for 6 months too, it started becoming every 3 or 4 months after that... so just bare with it.

[whitedaisies]

You are absolutely gorgeous in your picture and if you smiled you would be a knock out.

 

It's all about your self esteem. Trust me, I struggle too. You have a lot going on and you are using it to verify all the things you believe about yourself to be true but they aren't. Stop doing that!!!

 

I wish you good luck and hope the outbreaks are fewer and further between as time goes on.

 

Hugs

[StillMeButWiser]

@cleocina when I read your rant, I saw all the good things you got going on; house, car, education, good job and two loving kids. All blessings, all signify strength, determination and resilent. The only negetive here is not letting go. Believe me girl, I get the physco ex. My ex hub is a narcissistic abuser (physical and emotionally/verbally). Sitting in therapy only a few months ago talking of his vindictive actions. Therapist said to me, he knows exactly what he is doing. He is not stupid. The statements really hit home. So the next time he was giving me hard time over custody, all I texted was, the smart man you are, you know exactly what you are doing. He shut up. Now, I pretend he is dead. Letting go all that bs, released so much stress. Because of him, im on 3 yr PTI probation for taking my kids to niagra falls NY. Him knowing, im on this he does anything to get me to violate. Threatening to report, etc. By not communicating he has no amo. He must now follow all custdy orders now to since I cant bend, he screwed himself. Lol lol

 

Keep doing what you are doing, because you are doing great. Look at all those wonderful achievements. Be kind to yourself, stay true and the best you can be and you will be rewarded. Comes in little ways. Appreciate. Always smile. A smile is approachable, inviting, light hearted and brings out your inner spirit. Also keeps you youthful. Lol Message me if you want to chat.

 

Are you on daily supplements?

 

 

[cloacina]

@2legit You're right. I am dooming myself before even getting started. I sincerely know in my heart I'm not ready to date, so I'm really not even trying. I just feel lonely sometimes, especially when I see happy married couples raising their nuclear family units. I truly don't think I've ever felt a happy, healthy love with a man, and I know my lack of self-worth has a lot to do with that. I am trying to cultivate self-love, and most of the time, I'm ok. Other times, I just wallow in a little puddle of self-pity. I get to point where I'm tired of whining, put my big girl pants on and fiercely work on the things that need to be healed. I'm human and I falter, though. And I almost think I'd rather throw myself in a shark tank with an open wound than ever having anything to do with my psycho ex lol! Seems intense, But I'd have a better time trying to survive the sharks than my ex. Herpes isn't a life-stopper it just sucks that when my cards are down, herpes is waiting in the wings to punctuate for me. But alas, life goes on. You're always so real, and I always appreciate your advice. Thanks, lady!

 

@Sil88 You're right too. I'll be back in the zone soon, just needed to let out some air. And, yeah, it would just be a friend. I'm not looking to offer myself to someone in that way yet because of my track record with picking guys that treat me like coal rather than a diamond (stealing your simile). I had lost my faith in men for a long time, or people in General, but I know good men are out there, and I want to raise my son to be a good man. Side note: no one has ever compared me to Fergie and that is an absolute compliment, so thank you, but as 2legit said, Everyone has their preferences and I seem to be more of an acquired taste lol! Side note 2: I'm not a writer, but I write constantly. I want to write a novel one day, but I am not sure yet what it Will be about.

 

@whitedaisies Thank you, and I should probably smile more. That's something I'm working on. It is a struggle, isn't it! It does get better with each passing day.

 

@Stillmebutwiser omg! Our stories are so similar that It's scary! Please PM me and tell me more. How long have you been going through this? How are you healing from your situation? I'd love to swap war stories and try to find better ways of coping. And no, No supplements or medicine. I try to eat right and avoid the bad stuff, but I'd definitely take some suggestions for folks on a budget.

[2Legit2Quit]

Girl I feel the same things as you do from time to time. Trust me, I'm no pillar of strength over here all the time. I let myself get caught up in thinking I'll never find anyone, but then I tell myself that it is wrong that we put so much emphasis in needing to have another person by our side, to feel our life is complete. Is that not the fundamental error of our ways? One minute we're telling women to be independent and strong and in the next, everything is about finding that special someone. Society sends very conflicting messages to us as women. I think you and I both just have this fundamental need for love and acceptance, due to our abandonment issue's and it just creates that vicious cycle of dysfunction and makes us attract what we don't want. When our want for love comes from a place of needing validation, we are going to attract exactly who we don't want. Those guys smell us like a shark smells blood. When we come from a place of wanting love as a compliment to yourself, rather than to validate yourself, is when we attract the right people. Otherwise we are doomed to repeat history. We gotta find a way to recognize that we are enough all by ourselves and that only your opinion matters about yourself. ;-)

[cloacina]

Amen, sister! I feel the same. Even after months of being awesome, that something (or in my case, that someone) comes out of the shadows to haunt you. The kink in your armor is penetrated and you crumble. As I looked at the last instance, and the fragments of myself at my feet, I wondered how the hell I'd put me back together. So, I wallowed, ate an entire carton of ice cream and said, Fuck it. Yeah, I cried. Yeah, it hurts. But there's a choice: this can defeat me or this can make me fight harder. I'm good with being single. I can do bad on my own...or maybe I can do alright. We do need to tell more women to find love within themselves. I tell my daughter everyday how loved she is just because she exists. She's a wonderful and beautiful child. So is my son. If I can raise two kids from a "broken" home to feel whole and loved within themselves, then I count that as a win. If there's a man or not, we'll be ok either way.

[2Legit2Quit]

Exactly and you're doing an amazing job as a mother to instill that in them! Give yourself props for being the strength for your children!

[cloacina]

I can only try. :-) loving my kids is easy; loving myself is not.

[2Legit2Quit]

I know, I struggle w it myself. I can love others easily, but not myself. But being a good mother should be validation to you, that you are a good person and worthy of love.

[WCSDancer2010]

I am running soooo far behind - I'm dealing with a lot myself right now with an aging father who I fly down to every 6 weeks who recently had a fall ... so I'm here even more often (thank heavens he pays for the flights or I could never do it).... and when I'm here I don't have as much time to check in ....I try to eventually at least peek in to every discussion but it's hard when I'm down here) and I gotta say...

 

YOU GUYS ROCK!

 

I spent almost 2 yrs with minimal numbers of people I could count on to say the right things and support people with compassion and help them with facts and whatnot ... so it's really nice to read this and see everyone's responses and love and support, as well as how much it seems to have helped @cloacina pull out of her funk. So - thank you guys for being such a wonderful support system :)

 

and @cloacina ... honey, you are gorgeous and don't ever think otherwise. And you keep fighting the fight, because the example you set will show your children how to act when they grow up. I see it every day in my kids, especially my oldest daughter who has her share of trials and tribulations (shes a single mom with no child support too :( ) and she continues to amaze me with her resilience and there's many days I wonder how she keeps it together.... so, give yourself credit for being an amazing mother and a strong, powerful woman!

 

Gotta go friend, but I hope when you have a down day that you can come back to this thread, read through it again, and say "I got this" .... then go and kick some dirt over that shit and move on :)

 

(((HUGS)))